Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45
In reply to Re: favor » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:25:04
Hey all,
I don't think it's such a good idea for me to post on this board anymore. I seriously meant that everything was okay when I said so, but still the cops showed up at my house....again.
I had 2 cop cars here this time, and even my two cop "angels" pulled out of another call just so they could come to me. That's just WRONG. I told you I was fine.
A lady cop took me to the hospital this time. The guys told her to treat me good, and I'm relieved to say that she did. She was wonderful. Hey, I was the first person she allowed to ride up in front with her! I thought she was pretty decent.
But...you guys....don't judge every statement I make based on my past history. I truly was NOT going to do anything. I was humiliated when they showed up, and demoralized when my two cop "friends" left their other call to get over to me. Just when I was trying to show a bit of stability, and all of a sudden the calvary shows up. I tried to explain that it was an over-reaction, but nobody would listen to me. *sigh*
Anyways, the hospital let me go after a few hours. There was no reason to keep me. They read the emails, they listened to what I had to say....and they saw no reason for my being there. I felt so bad that this poor lady had to stay OVER her 12-hour shift just to babysit me. She needed to go home, be with her hubby, get some rest....she did NOT need to be sitting around with me, waiting to see one doctor after another. I felt as big as an ant, making her have to stay so long.
Anyways.....
I think it's best that I not post anymore. I understand the concern....and believe me....it's so nice to have someone be concerned for me rather than not. BUT....I can't have this keep happening. I can't have my messages misread just because of past history. My gosh, the guys didn't even smile at me this time.....they had such CONCERNED looks on their faces. And there was no need of that! It was so bad to put them through that. They don't need that type of worry. Their job is hard enough without thinking someone they "like" is about to kill herself. Jeesh. I still feel demoralized over it, and I will for some time.
I know, Dr. Bob, that you were doing what you thought was in my best interest. I understand that. I appreciate that. And you may have thought that I was following some type of "pattern"....that it appeared that I was going to harm myself again. And I guess that is where the internet is a problem in terms of getting to know your "patient". You see only bits and pieces....you don't see the full "me". You don't know what progresses I've made....how strong I've been at times. I tend to post when I'm feeling down....and that's why this is called a "support" board. But you don't see the struggling that I'm going through, and the successes that I'm having. I just come here when I'm having a bad 15-minutes. And that's basically what you see.
But....really.....I'm soooooo much better than I was at the first of the month. It was a 99% reality that I would have killed myself near my birthday......but that was 3 weeks ago! As you have to know, suicide attempts are based on timing. That "time period" has passed by.....and even though I'm CERTAINLY not all happy and healthy now.....I'm NOT in crisis anymore. I may still hurt myself.....I may still cry a lot.....I may still shut myself off from others....I may still have a worthless, hopeless feeling about myself.....but I'm NOT suicidal right now. I'm just trying to come to terms with my position right now.
I'm not mad at anyone over this. I'm actually quite overwhelmed that people would care so much for a complete stranger. That says a lot for our human existence, doesn't it? I honestly don't think I've EVER had so many people extending a helping hand to me. It's almost surreal....why would people do that for ME, you know?
But I have to ask that you PLEASE stop and think before calling the police. This is not a face-to-face relationship. You do NOT know what I'm having success with. You do NOT know any battles that I'm actually overcoming. All you see are the "down" times.....because this is a SUPPORT board....for that purpose.
I'm very divided as to what to do here. On one side, I can NOT have the police come here again for unfounded reasons. My heart dropped to my very toes when I heard that familiar knock on my door today. I had already told you that the hotel visit was nothing more than a "time alone" period.....nothing more. I do NOT want to jeporadize my relationship with the police......because what if I truly DO need and want them at some point? What if I actually find myself in need of assistance right away? They will have been here so often that they won't believe me that time.....and that'll be the time that I die because of that.
On the other hand.....this board is the only outlet that I have. I do NOT have anyone to talk with....I do NOT have anywhere else to turn. There is a certain sense of security from the anomynity of posting on the board (no one other than Dr. Bob knows who I am). I can say things here that other people will understand simply because they GET it. And that beats out "book-learned" people any day. Soooo....without the board to turn to....I'm not really sure where to go with my busy little fingers.
Is there maybe some sort of "contract" that we can make? That no one will call the police unless I specifically say I'm thinking of harming myself.....or that I feel unsafe....or something along those lines? I just can't have wrong judgements made against me again. And yet, I'm scared to leave the board.
I don't know. It's just that no one would take "no" from me today.....and truly.....nothing was wrong today. And I don't like making these people worry for no reason.
What should we do?
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/340377.html