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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
Please keep in mind that this is graphic and involves self-injury. If you are sensitive to such issues, please do not read this post.
Well, before I could even put the milk in my coffee and cereal, my mother comes in and starts in on me on a small issue. She tends to do this sometimes. Well, she started with the issue then digressed into how I'm such a terrible person and I'm a burden and she works her a%$ off and I sit around and do nothing, how she and my dad support me and I don't appreciate it, etc.. It really felt like a planned attack. I broke, went into the garage and hit anything that could do damage. I did a real number on my knuckles (scraped a lot of skin off, maybe broke one). She then burst into the garage and continued her attack, saying "get out", etc. She started the apprciation thig again, at this point all I could do was yell. I told her that if she think I didn't appreciate her then she could f$#% off. Not the most constructive thing, I know. Hit the wall next to her, went into my room and locked the door. I took a knife and started cutting. I cried uncontrollably. After some time, my dad tried to come in. I told him to go away several times. Finally, he used the coffee as a ploy to get in. I desperately wanted to be alone but I knew he wasn't going away. Still holding the knife, I unlocked the door. I got so overwhelmed that I began to bang the knife (the butt, not the blade) into my knee multiple times. It still hurts. My dad got me to put the knife down. He made me drink some of the coffee. I was still crying uncontrollably and just spilled my guts to him. The depression, hallucenations, the urges to self hurt, etc. After a couple of hours of talking, I was lucid enough to go back out into the house. I never would have killed myself no matter how strong the urge, but I'm pretty sure I would have injured myself pretty badly. I still feel pretty awful. I want to self injure again. Resisting the urge as well as I can. I think I'll get over it.
My mom is not this way 99% of the time, but this time she hit all of the biggest buttons. I do feel like a burden to them. I do appreciate their support although it's hard to show it sometimes. I have a hard time doing things around the house because of my energy level. If I watch TV or listen to music a lot it helps to tune out the hallucenations. I have made so many attepts to help my parents understand. They really are wonderfully supportive most of the time but today I've reached the end of my rope.
Sorry for the graphic nature of the post, I do not intend to cause anyone else hurt. I really have to get this off my chest. I have nobody else to tell right now.
Posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:23:16
In reply to Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
hi socialdeviant,
you did nothing wrong in posting, except to clarify that you must get help. I don't know what your cicumstances are financially, but when your dad witnesses you cutting yourself until you bleed, does he just let that pass?
Who could you find to talk to, maybe there is a facility in your area where you wouldn't have to pay too much to get some badly needed counseling if you are in emergency circumstances?I wish you did have somewhere else you could go when you are triggered so intensely; hopefully you will be able to work that out with someone--and soon--so you don't have to go through this kind of agony again anytime soon. 99% is a good record, but it sounds like they get you completely with that 1%. Enough to warrent a search into any social services that might be offered near your 'hood.
Sorry you had such a hard night, fellow deviant.
Kara
Posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:31:11
In reply to Re: Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:23:16
Sorry I didn't read the first time that you said you're still fighting against self injuring right now. I was told that if you hold icecubes to your skin it helps some people to alleviate the compulsion--at least temporarily. I wish I could give you some more suggestions to help get you through the night--maybe you could look something up on the net. Either that or distract, distract, distract. TV, whatever it is. Try to rest, and in the morning please see if there is someone you could go talk to.
Thinking of you,
Kara
Posted by cubic_me on December 18, 2003, at 6:54:47
In reply to Re: Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:31:11
Hi,
I'm a self injerer too - I dont know how much you know about techniques to stop you harming so badly. The icecube technique is a good one, especially if you put red food colouring in the water so it looks like blood. You could also try snapping an elastic band against your wrist or using hot wax. I know these are still forms of self injury, but they are much less harmful to you if you have to do it - and they dont scar.
Whatever you do do, take care of your injuries so they dont get infected or leave you with permenant damage. There is a website with some really good infor at www.psyke.com
Take care of yourself and let us know you are ok,
_me x
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 18, 2003, at 7:26:55
In reply to Re: Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic) » kara lynne, posted by cubic_me on December 18, 2003, at 6:54:47
jeff,,
i took a black pen and drew all over my legs...
wonderful swirls and ivy,,
seeing the contrast between my skin and the ink is important...
in some places i did break the surface but it was not intentional..
over the next few days my kids drew all over their arms and legs with pens and markers..,,i was furious..(everything we do directely effects others ,,even if we are not willing to see it)
take care jeff
be careful
maybe next time you will do better..
it does get better jeff..
jyl
Posted by fallsfall on December 18, 2003, at 7:57:23
In reply to Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
Jeff,
Kara is right, you need to talk to someone. Do you have a therapist? If you do, please call and ask for an emergency session. If you don't have a therapist, but have a psychiatrist, then see him. Or even see your GP. You can tell them that it is an emergency. It IS an emergency - you are hurting yourself and you are scared.
If this is the first time you have self-injured you could go to the emergency room if you can't see one of your regular doctors today. There are skills that you can learn to make it easier to deal with the SI urges, and things you can do to (eventually) make them go away.
Don't try to do this all by yourself. People really do know how to help.
Let us know how you are doing.
Posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 13:48:20
In reply to Re: Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:23:16
Sorry about the way I wrote that first sentence, it didn't come out how I meant it. I was having sugar dementia from too much dessert and food and last night.
But I am hoping you're feeling better today.
Posted by 8 Miles on December 18, 2003, at 19:43:27
In reply to Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
Well Jeff..........
Obviously, there are a lot of separate issues that you are having to deal with at the same time. It would be helpful, if you feel comfortable, to let us know what meds you are taking, your DX, and if you ARE currently seeing a counselor? (oh, and how old are you?).I have "dealt" with a daughter (20) who sometimes makes me ill by her behaviour. Now, I KNOW what's wrong with me, and I get medical and counselling treatment. I DO know from my own personal experience from living at my parent's house for about 2 years after getting out of college, that there are CLEARLY sometimes when, no matter what, they cannot understand you, and you cannot understand WHY. As to your desire for self-inflicting pain, that is an issue that you must come to deal with ( I know that is not as easy as it sounds). However, I do know that with the right meds (and yes, a Pdoc may have to play with many combinations of meds until he finds the right "cocktail" for you. This alone, can be very frustrating. This too is where the counselor comes in handy. They will listen to you objectively, and help you realize who you are and why. Not knowing something that basic makes one lose hope, and makes the consideration of death as the only way out of the pain, a viable consideration. Trust me, it is not, especially if you are young. Believe me, I have been very close to that end, sometimes I would think while driving "well, what if I slammed into that concrete piling at 100 mph?" You know why I can't do it? I think it would be a selfish thing to do to my family. Some people see it as a way to "get even" with them. NO one wins in any scenario. 6 months down the road, your ENTIRE life may be a polar opposite to where you are now. You can never lose hope, you can never let yourself listen to the demons in your head. It just doesn't play out. I have had close friends die from their own actions. And always it's "WHY? I could have helped! It didn't have to end this way, WHY?" It's something that cannot be undone. God, who knows what you may become? I know this sounds "canned" but YOU might be that one person that saves a lot of people. I have. Tell me what I can do to help you.
8
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 19, 2003, at 2:22:45
In reply to Re: Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic) » socialdeviantjeff, posted by 8 Miles on December 18, 2003, at 19:43:27
Well, my cocktail is:
150 mg Effexor
300 mg Tegrtol
2 mg Perpenezine
I'm 25.I'm hypersensetive to meds and the doses are too low, trying to build up a tolerance to SE's over a few months.
Fortunately, my knuckle isn't broken, just really ugly. I spent a lot of time in martial arts years ago and they are still well developed contact points, for whatever that's worth. My dad didn't see me cutting (thank God). He saw me beat myself with the butt end of the handle. He never took it away. It would take a while to explain why that was appropriate. I haven't self injured since this one episode.
I rarely trigger so violently.. Usually I can quell the urge or at least inflict maximum pain with least damage. When I trigger bad, the alternatives (ice, candle wax etc.) are quite far from my mind.
My parents really are great people. It is frustrating that they don't understand. My dad did talk about them seeing a counsellor to learn how to better interface with me. He is scared of it ad my mom simply doesn't get it.
As far as counselors, It's a joke in Utah. They are too expensive or won't even talk to you wuthout an insurance card. I'm working on getting Medicaid. At least in the short term, therapy is not in the cards. I haven't told my Pdoc because I'm afraid of going to the hospital. He has done a lot already to keep me out. He is actually the Director of Inpatient Services. Considering my sensetivity and refraction to meds and the severity of my problems, hospitalization probably would be a while.
It sucks, I hate it, but that's life. I'm upset that after a small amount of progress, I backslide like this. I still feel like crap. But I'm working on it. I want a normal life and not live like this. I don't have a lot of optimism, but I'm trying to keep some faith that things will get better.
We're cool, Kara. No worries. I'm so glad I found this group. I hope someday I can pay the support Ive gotten back or forward on this board. All of you guys are really great.
Posted by 8 Miles on December 19, 2003, at 8:48:04
In reply to Hey, thanks guys, posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 19, 2003, at 2:22:45
Well, Jeff. That post seems quite a bit, well, "calmer". Maybe you were REALLY caught up in it all when you posted. I'm afraid that I agree Utah is not the hotbed of Psychopharmacology, not that where I live is much better, only 3 Pdocs within 50 minutes drive (there was only ONE until about 3 years ago)!
Honestly, I am not too familiar with you particular meds, so I'll have to do some reading in my PDR. My meds are fairly vanilla, mostly Wellbutrin, Tranzene and Trazodone (for sleep), with some spices thrown in for flavour. But, I have a totally different problems (MDI and OCD with a touch of AHAD for fun). Just dig into your DSM IV and learn about my world! Anyway, you WILL find people here on these boards that can provide a very eclectic information base, and WILL be happy to answer your inquiries, or just hear your angst. Keep me posted how things are going. Hey man, at 25, you have a whole world in front of you, find your place where you can be you, and accepted as that (within certain medical understandings) enviroment can CLEARLY adversely affect one's mood.Good luck Jeff!
8
Posted by st@cy on December 19, 2003, at 21:18:21
In reply to Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
i know about the controlling urge to cut yourself, i experience that too. in fact, i used to everyday, but i just wanted to let you know that it can be helped...even during those moments when the itching to cut is blinding and it seems like the only thing you can do, if you just go for a walk or a run and get away from those razors or knives, the urge becomes less controlling and you can get a grip. i've been there and sometimes i still have problems with it, but it's gotton better. i just wanted to let you know it can get better. hope i helped a little..
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:19:02
In reply to Had a *BAD* crisis (WARNING-this is graphic), posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 18, 2003, at 2:02:21
I followed this thread but didn't post because I didn't think I could say anything helpful. But I was thinking of you and I really hope you are feeling better. :-)
Take care of yourself....
Susan
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on December 22, 2003, at 19:06:59
In reply to Hope you are doing OK » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:19:02
Thanks, I am. Going out with a friend tonight, haven't done that for a couple of weeks...
This is the end of the thread.
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