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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 28, 2003, at 21:20:54
I sort of need some space to let out some things that have been very troubling this week. Thank you in advance.
Being a multiple, and in therapy, I'm working on a large number of issues; some of them that I don't even know about yet.
Yesterday, I was at a friend's house, and we watched a movie that I thought was going to be funny. The movie was "Monsoon Wedding"billed as heartwarming and entertaining. One part of the movie isn't. An older friend of the family is found to have been molesting a young girl. I sort of lost it.
I have been having flashbacks and severe anxiety since. I want to cry, but can't. I feel like throwing up.
I have been having memories of one specific incident, and I know that the problem is that I blame myself. I didn't say no. The man was my boss, and I was still in high-school. I still feel responsible.
I trained as a rape crisis counselor, and I know how I would talk to someone else in my situation. I don't know how to talk to myself like that.
I want to cry. I want to puke. I want to scream. I want to grab someone 'round the throat. I want to run away. I want to cry on someone's shoulder. I want a hug. I want to go to sleep.
I know that the days will see this calm down. I know too, that I have many more of these things lurking in my mind. This is just the hardest to deal with so far.
Thanks so much for listening.
Dee.
Posted by michmich on November 28, 2003, at 21:50:44
In reply to Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 28, 2003, at 21:20:54
hey there,
i got ur reply to my post...u are so sweet. thank u. i have such a mixture of emotions about her. her boss is very strict abound boundaries ...and im very scared. but whats hurts most is that she is intentionally not calling me. im both dreading and cant wait till monday when i see her.
I also read your post..I was tearing. It must have ben a more than horrible experience, especially since a movie brought back memories of it. i can so understand how u are feeling so many different things right now. If you feeling talking via email rather than posting..u can email me at mythunderstandin@aol.com
hugs..ur in my thoughts
Posted by Dinah on November 29, 2003, at 14:32:49
In reply to Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 28, 2003, at 21:20:54
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Are you feeling any better today?
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 16:03:36
In reply to Re: Rough holiday, posted by Dinah on November 29, 2003, at 14:32:49
Hey Dinah,
Thank you so much for your concern.
I've tried to relax a bit today, and I've been tired. I have done some drawing and painting. Sometimes something comes out that way, and it helps. Today though, it's been just Christmas present stuff.
I hate feeling like this, and it seems that it's been happening more and more. It would be really nice if getting better didn't involve so much pain, terrible memories, and absolutely exhausting work. I keep marveling at the fact that there is so much pain and effort to recover from what someone else did to me. It is most certain that those people aren't going through the hell that I'm going through now.
I really hope to get better sometime soon. I'm really not the miserable woman that I must sound like here. I really enjoy lots of things, and would much rather talk about them.
Anyway, Thank you again, and I hope that you are well, and ready to enjoy the holidays.
Dee.
Posted by sienna on November 29, 2003, at 19:16:39
In reply to Re: Rough holiday » Dinah, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 16:03:36
Hi there,
Im sorry those people did terrible things to you. That makes me madder than hell. I bet you are one of the nicest people in the world too. It adds to all of the things that made me kick my wall today. Makes me want to buy a box of cheap dishes from Goodwill and go smash them on the ground into pieces.
In any case, I dont think you sound like a miserable woman at all. ANd i hope my being upset doesnt upset you.
Take care and i hope you are able to rest more and feel more energy soon.
Sienna
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 20:42:20
In reply to Re: Rough holiday » deirdrehbrt, posted by sienna on November 29, 2003, at 19:16:39
Hi Sienna,
I LOVE the idea with the dishes. A friend of mine was in an argument with her fiance and he called her a b****. She very calmly told him that She wasn't being one, and to illustrate the diference went to the cupboard and threw every single dish across the room. That relationship didn't work out.
I try to figure out why it is so hard for me to deal with all of this, and it seems so difficult. Part of it is because I don't remember all of it. I have X-rays that say something happened, but I don't have the memories.... or at least I don't have the memories available right now. The incidents that I do remember are either minimized, or I blame myself for them. I think that is the part that is so dangerous to me. How can I heal when I blame me?
I look at the things that I write like this, and I say "It should be SOOO easy". I know what I have to do, but for some reason can't do it.
I grew up knowing some really screwed up things. Being angry is bad. If I do something wrong, it is because I don't like, or worse hate my parents. Expressing anger is very bad, and there is no healthy way to do it. Defending yourself against an adult is bad. Education isn't all that important. I shouldn't expect my parents to show up for something that I think is important.
Well, that's a small sampling. I know now that most of what I learned as a kid was just plain wrong. I know that I need to re-learn a great deal of it. I just don't want to have to do that going into my fifth decade. I guess though, that I don't have a choice. If I'm going to remember and understand all of the abuse that I suffered while I was young, it probably makes sense to know first what lessons I shouldn't have learned, and replace them with the healthy ones. Then, at least, I'll have a good foundation, albeit a new one, upon which to start working.
I guess that being over 40 isn't too bad. There are people older than I who are working on the same issues. I didn't choose this, but at least I have the chance to deal with it. I'm going to give myself some permission.
I have permission to scream.
I have permission to cry.
I have permission to take naps with my bear.
I have permission to eat all the chocolate I want.
I have permission to be angry.
I have permission to sleep all day ocassionally.
I think this is a good start.
Thank you all again. You guys are great.
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2003, at 12:29:42
In reply to Re: Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 20:42:20
You inspired me to walk to the kitchen and get some chocolate.
I hope you are enjoying your nap with your bear.
Posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 15:35:49
In reply to Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 28, 2003, at 21:20:54
Hi dee,
Sorry you were triggered so deeply. Interesting, someone was recently talking to me about that movie. I haven't seen it, but I was talking about a particularly disturbing incident that happened with my father and brothers when I was younger. I won't get into it now, but the lack of their instinct to protect and honor me as a female was devastating. This woman brought up that movie and said there was some figure (the stepfather?) who came through in the end as someone who demonstrated that respect beautifully. Maybe there is something redeeming in that.Hope you're doing better. Thank you so much for your kindhearted post to me.
K.L.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 30, 2003, at 17:28:18
In reply to Re: Rough holiday, posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 15:35:49
Kara,
The movie was a very good movie, and I'm in no way sorry for having seen it. Even the part that triggered me was very well done; there was no graphic display or anything like that. Everything was done through images, movement, eyes, etc. I suppose that was why it was so powerfull. The glances, the subtle pulling away from someone, all of these things were what touched me that deeply. There was one comment by the young girl about kissing that was the final proof. That was the final bit of the trigger.
I don't really know exactly how I feel today. I'm glad to be seeing my case manager (presuming she shows up) tomorrow, and my therapist on Tuesday. I guess that tuesday isn't too much of a wait.
What really gets to me is the reality of it all while still not being able to remember so much. I'm assured by my therapist that what I do remember should never have happened. I recognize the looks of horror on my daughter's therapist's face when describing my childhood to her. I know that what I remember is more than enough, but I look at these things and dismiss them as being not so important.
Maybe I'm really scared about remembering (what I think is) the really bad stuff. I don't want to, really.
I'm wondering how long it will take to deal with this. I know, realistically, that it will be years. I know that most of the perps are, or will be dead. I suppose that I don't need to face them to deal with it; I know that I need mostly to deal with it in my own head. I need to forgive myself more than anyone else.
I'm still scared though. I'm scared that I won't have time when this is all through to have a relationship with someone I really love. I'm afraid that I'm going to spend the rest of my life dealing with this, and that it will rob me of what I thought life was for. I want to open a door in my life that doesn't conceal another hurt. I want to have a real experience that isn't tainted by the sick desires of someone from my past.
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
So, I'm dealing with these things. I'm staying fairly safe. I'm spending much more time on dealing with things, and considering this my job. I'm on SSDI, and finally acknowlege that my emotional health is my job. I'm trying to stop wondering when I will be able to drive or work again; that will come when it is supposed to.
Thanks everyone for being so supportive. It really means alot.
Dee.
Posted by Jai Narayan on November 30, 2003, at 19:13:39
In reply to Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 28, 2003, at 21:20:54
"Monsoon Wedding"
An older friend of the family is found to have been molesting a young girl. I sort of lost it.
> I have been having flashbacks and severe anxiety since. I want to cry, but can't. I feel like throwing up.
>
I know what you mean about wanting to throw up...I was so close to that in therapy when I was working on early sexual abuse issues.
> I have been having memories of one specific incident, and I know that the problem is that I blame myself. I didn't say no. The man was my boss, and I was still in high-school. I still feel responsible.it can get pretty confusing: blame, shame and all that.
> I trained as a rape crisis counselor, and I know how I would talk to someone else in my situation. I don't know how to talk to myself like that.
>
It's hard to counsel yourself.
>
I want to cry. I want to puke. I want to scream. I want to grab someone 'round the throat. I want to run away. I want to cry on someone's shoulder.
>
the screaming, anger was just pouring out when I worked on this issue but the hardest part was....allowing someone to hug me. I was devastated.Once I started crying it seemed like a bottomless pit. It's so amazing to be held by someone I really trusted...to know that this person would not take advantage of me.
> Thanks so much for listening.Thanks Dee for being so out front and open. You are an inspiration.
Jai Narayan
Posted by sienna on December 2, 2003, at 1:45:32
In reply to Re: Rough holiday, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 29, 2003, at 20:42:20
hi dee,
how are you doing? that is funny your friend and the dishes. yes ive been told men and women have different ways of communicating. that is funny to me. i have always tried to use talking hehe. Im not sure what method my boyfriend uses. anyway...
i know what you mean about all the feelings stuff you are talking about. its like that sticks and stones saying. right? like its easy to say words dont hurt, but they do anyways.
and its easy for me to see that i should feel a certan way but hard to feel like its reallly right.
im glad you gave yourself permissions. I always feel much better when i do stuff like that. makes me feel much better.
now i have a question for you cuz i have some of the same icky in my background and i sometimes have a hard time knowing what i like and dont like. Like im very surprised often when i have an opionion. cuz most the time it didnt matter what my opinion was so i seemed to quit having one. did that happen to you? cuz im just curious if others have the same thing.
anyhoo, take care and i hope you are having a good beginning to a nice week.
Sienna
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