Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 30, 2003, at 17:28:18
In reply to Re: Rough holiday, posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 15:35:49
Kara,
The movie was a very good movie, and I'm in no way sorry for having seen it. Even the part that triggered me was very well done; there was no graphic display or anything like that. Everything was done through images, movement, eyes, etc. I suppose that was why it was so powerfull. The glances, the subtle pulling away from someone, all of these things were what touched me that deeply. There was one comment by the young girl about kissing that was the final proof. That was the final bit of the trigger.
I don't really know exactly how I feel today. I'm glad to be seeing my case manager (presuming she shows up) tomorrow, and my therapist on Tuesday. I guess that tuesday isn't too much of a wait.
What really gets to me is the reality of it all while still not being able to remember so much. I'm assured by my therapist that what I do remember should never have happened. I recognize the looks of horror on my daughter's therapist's face when describing my childhood to her. I know that what I remember is more than enough, but I look at these things and dismiss them as being not so important.
Maybe I'm really scared about remembering (what I think is) the really bad stuff. I don't want to, really.
I'm wondering how long it will take to deal with this. I know, realistically, that it will be years. I know that most of the perps are, or will be dead. I suppose that I don't need to face them to deal with it; I know that I need mostly to deal with it in my own head. I need to forgive myself more than anyone else.
I'm still scared though. I'm scared that I won't have time when this is all through to have a relationship with someone I really love. I'm afraid that I'm going to spend the rest of my life dealing with this, and that it will rob me of what I thought life was for. I want to open a door in my life that doesn't conceal another hurt. I want to have a real experience that isn't tainted by the sick desires of someone from my past.
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
So, I'm dealing with these things. I'm staying fairly safe. I'm spending much more time on dealing with things, and considering this my job. I'm on SSDI, and finally acknowlege that my emotional health is my job. I'm trying to stop wondering when I will be able to drive or work again; that will come when it is supposed to.
Thanks everyone for being so supportive. It really means alot.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:284871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/285301.html