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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bpdzone2000 on January 27, 2003, at 12:09:40
Hi,
I've dabbled on Psychobabble a couple times and I love this board and I feel like I could benefit by posting some personal things about myself. I have feared disclosing this information in fear of being judged. I hope that I will get some honest responses without judgement.
I've been struggling lately with an overwelming depression, shame and guilt. I've been diagnosed with bipolar. I'm going to a another pdoc soon for another evaluation per my therapist. My therapist is very professional and very good at what she does. I do have alot of abandonment issue's I believe in part of being adopted and I yearn for my parents approval and the approval of other's.
I have a history of self injury that for me takes the pain away immediately. I also have a history of substance abuse, alcohol and marijuana. I have since quit alcohol and still dab into the marijuana as a quick form of release from the anxiety and racing thoughts to calm down.
My self injury started in high school 20 years ago. It was a form of attention. I will say today that I do self injure at times when the pain gets so bad so that my therapist see's it and worries.
I feel like I am very manipulative with my therapist. I do tell her I am in a lot of pain it's just sometimes I can't explain so therefore I cut. I guess I can't recognize the feeling so I cut because that's the only way I know to explain the harshness of the pain.
Without getting into my full story, the reason for my need for help is something that has been bothering me for a long time that has been taking a toll on me for a long time. The shame is overwheliming and it kills me. It makes me want to curl up and hope that I won't ever wake up again. I want this pain inside of me to go away and unless I talk about it I know it will eventually kill me.
I mentioned earlier that I have self injured to get attention....
The fantasies become so real at times that I feel they overpower me. That fantasy comes very often and in varying degree's.
Sometimes I fantasize about being beat up, raped or something traggic and I am completely devastated and the only one that can help me is my therapist.
What scares me is that I have at times gone into very bad neighborhoods hoping something will happen. I drive and park and walk around neighborhoods I have no business being in. I will talk with strangers and sometimes go into abandon buildings hoping the worst will happen. I have no fear as the fantasy is very stimulating and makes no fear.
Since then though, this tremendous amount of guilt and shame has just become overwhelming. I feel like such a piece of shit and sometimes I think, "what crazy person would do this?" Then I think that I am just crazy and that I am never going to ever amount to anything and that there is no help for me. I feel so bad that I act in such manipulating ways it just disgusts me!!!
I am hard on myself to begin with and now I just feel like such a bad person. I want to get well so bad. I want to be able love myself. I want to be normal soooooo bad. This I'm so freightened to mention to my therapist because I fear that she'll leave me and/or never trust me and won't like me. That fear of her finding out will just I think put me over the edge.
I know I eventually will probrably have to talk about it with her sometime. Right now I guess I want to know if you know why I did that? Should I talk to my therapist about it? Am I just one sick individual that should be locked up?
Very desperate for some answers on what I have never disclosed to anyone. I needed to talk about this.
Thank you, I hope that I will get some feedback.
Posted by agencypanic on January 27, 2003, at 15:35:03
In reply to fear of abandonment, posted by bpdzone2000 on January 27, 2003, at 12:09:40
Well, you certainly have a lot to deal with, and I can only make
a short remark. But I'm wondering if you're taking any medications for your condition?
As for your therapist and whether you should tell her what you've been doing: MY opinion
is that you should. That's why you're seeing her, right? Because you can tell her things that you can't tell
others. Again, my opinion is that you shouldn't worry that she'll abandon you-- she's presumably a professional
who is interested in helping you.
As for shame: well, that's a difficult one. Realize that you're not alone in this.
I imagine that every person has more than enough shame to go around. I realize that's probably of
little comfort to you, but it's true. That's somewhat key I think, because it seems that you judge
yourself as you think others would or are judging you. I'm not trying to play psychologist or therapist or
anything, just want you to remember to keep things in a certain perspective. Other people are not better than you are and
also have many things of which they're ashamed. I'll post more later and if you need someone to post to, or email, then let me know.
Sorry, as I reread my response it sounds trite, wish I could do better.
Posted by Kam on January 27, 2003, at 21:19:31
In reply to Re: fear of abandonment, posted by agencypanic on January 27, 2003, at 15:35:03
>I don't believe your response sounded trite, you are so right, the therapist will not leave you or give up on you. I remember asking mine once, do you want the truth and she looked at me like I had 3 heads, in a funny sort of way, they can not help you fully until they hear from you what is going on. And as for the medication, I do hope if you aren't on anything now, you check into something. I'm not going to touch the issues of being where you shouldn't belong looking for danger only because I am not a licensed therapist or pysch doctor, I do however wish you wouldn't go there. But until you reveal this to your doctor, she will not know the right treatment for you. Put your trust in her, that is what she is there for!!!
Best of luck to you,
Kam
Well, you certainly have a lot to deal with, and I can only make
> a short remark. But I'm wondering if you're taking any medications for your condition?
> As for your therapist and whether you should tell her what you've been doing: MY opinion
> is that you should. That's why you're seeing her, right? Because you can tell her things that you can't tell
> others. Again, my opinion is that you shouldn't worry that she'll abandon you-- she's presumably a professional
> who is interested in helping you.
> As for shame: well, that's a difficult one. Realize that you're not alone in this.
> I imagine that every person has more than enough shame to go around. I realize that's probably of
> little comfort to you, but it's true. That's somewhat key I think, because it seems that you judge
> yourself as you think others would or are judging you. I'm not trying to play psychologist or therapist or
> anything, just want you to remember to keep things in a certain perspective. Other people are not better than you are and
> also have many things of which they're ashamed. I'll post more later and if you need someone to post to, or email, then let me know.
> Sorry, as I reread my response it sounds trite, wish I could do better.
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2003, at 22:39:05
In reply to fear of abandonment, posted by bpdzone2000 on January 27, 2003, at 12:09:40
No judgement here, but concern nonetheless. I really do think you should talk to your therapist about this. And perhaps talking about your feelings can help you keep from acting on them.
Have you ever read Deborah Lott's book, "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists" ? It talks a lot about all sorts of feelings that clients have for their therapists.
Your therapist can help you discover the why's of what you do, and she can do things to help you with your fears of abandonment. I've got problems with abandonment issues as well, and my therapist always makes sure that his last words to me at each session are to call him if I need him. Somehow knowing that I can means that I don't have to, and it allays my not infrequent fears that I've done something during the session to make him angry with me.
My therapist was telling me today how glad he was that I felt able to tell him when something upset me or scared me rather than to keep it to myself and possibly act on it. I'm sure yours will feel the same.
So in my not terribly coherent way, I'm trying to say what others have said. The important thing is to discuss your feelings and behaviors with your therapist openly and honestly so that she can help you better.
Posted by bpdzone2000 on January 28, 2003, at 8:12:30
In reply to Re: fear of abandonment » bpdzone2000, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2003, at 22:39:05
"WOW" Lots of good stuff... thank you for your honesty and no judgement.
You know yesterday I spoke with my therapist and it was probrably the closest session we had in regards to my insecurities. Of course I would not disclose my insecurities about her.
"In Session" great book!!! Maybe I did not read enough.
She told me that my thinking was not abnormal, and that alot of people think that way. Of course I did not tell her the full extent of my thoughts. Hopefully in time more and more will come out.
Yes I am on medications...(depakote, effexor)
Sorry I neglected to tell you.
Dinah my therpist, come to think about it, does say that I can call her at any time at the end of the session. You know I did not realize the security that brings to me and yes those infrequent fears of saying something wrong in session does worry me.
Thank you all of you and hopefully the racing thoughts will subside..
You all are right and yes I do need to express this to my therapist. I am so concerned with the "why's"... I wish I knew more.
I guess if I completely trusted her and was at ease with myself than I probrably wouldn't be writing this to begin with.
Just another huge hurdle to overcome.
Posted by judy1 on January 28, 2003, at 11:10:58
In reply to Re: fear of abandonment-wow thanks.., posted by bpdzone2000 on January 28, 2003, at 8:12:30
I guess if I completely trusted her and was at ease with myself than I probrably wouldn't be writing this to begin
with. Just another huge hurdle to overcome.Don't worry, I'm in my third year with my shrink and therapist and still don't have that complete 'trust'. Those sorts of fantasies are pretty common and I hope you really examine them with your therapist. I always think I'm the queen of abandonment issues (but lots of room here :-), so I find I do a lot of testing with my docs and they always come through with flying colors. I also SI and went through a period of putting myself in dangerous situations when I was younger (early 20s), I don't do that anymore now that I'm in my 30s and married and a Mom- I think it's called maturing out. Anyway all the best, and it sounds like you're making progress already. take care, judy
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