Posted by bpdzone2000 on January 27, 2003, at 12:09:40
Hi,
I've dabbled on Psychobabble a couple times and I love this board and I feel like I could benefit by posting some personal things about myself. I have feared disclosing this information in fear of being judged. I hope that I will get some honest responses without judgement.
I've been struggling lately with an overwelming depression, shame and guilt. I've been diagnosed with bipolar. I'm going to a another pdoc soon for another evaluation per my therapist. My therapist is very professional and very good at what she does. I do have alot of abandonment issue's I believe in part of being adopted and I yearn for my parents approval and the approval of other's.
I have a history of self injury that for me takes the pain away immediately. I also have a history of substance abuse, alcohol and marijuana. I have since quit alcohol and still dab into the marijuana as a quick form of release from the anxiety and racing thoughts to calm down.
My self injury started in high school 20 years ago. It was a form of attention. I will say today that I do self injure at times when the pain gets so bad so that my therapist see's it and worries.
I feel like I am very manipulative with my therapist. I do tell her I am in a lot of pain it's just sometimes I can't explain so therefore I cut. I guess I can't recognize the feeling so I cut because that's the only way I know to explain the harshness of the pain.
Without getting into my full story, the reason for my need for help is something that has been bothering me for a long time that has been taking a toll on me for a long time. The shame is overwheliming and it kills me. It makes me want to curl up and hope that I won't ever wake up again. I want this pain inside of me to go away and unless I talk about it I know it will eventually kill me.
I mentioned earlier that I have self injured to get attention....
The fantasies become so real at times that I feel they overpower me. That fantasy comes very often and in varying degree's.
Sometimes I fantasize about being beat up, raped or something traggic and I am completely devastated and the only one that can help me is my therapist.
What scares me is that I have at times gone into very bad neighborhoods hoping something will happen. I drive and park and walk around neighborhoods I have no business being in. I will talk with strangers and sometimes go into abandon buildings hoping the worst will happen. I have no fear as the fantasy is very stimulating and makes no fear.
Since then though, this tremendous amount of guilt and shame has just become overwhelming. I feel like such a piece of shit and sometimes I think, "what crazy person would do this?" Then I think that I am just crazy and that I am never going to ever amount to anything and that there is no help for me. I feel so bad that I act in such manipulating ways it just disgusts me!!!
I am hard on myself to begin with and now I just feel like such a bad person. I want to get well so bad. I want to be able love myself. I want to be normal soooooo bad. This I'm so freightened to mention to my therapist because I fear that she'll leave me and/or never trust me and won't like me. That fear of her finding out will just I think put me over the edge.
I know I eventually will probrably have to talk about it with her sometime. Right now I guess I want to know if you know why I did that? Should I talk to my therapist about it? Am I just one sick individual that should be locked up?
Very desperate for some answers on what I have never disclosed to anyone. I needed to talk about this.
Thank you, I hope that I will get some feedback.
poster:bpdzone2000
thread:35845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030120/msgs/35845.html