![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
Well, I was feeling really proud of myself. After coming off Effexor in August, I gradually cut down my drinking to normal levels, started St John's Wort/Vitamin B, and thought that I'd had my anxiety problem licked. In fact, I was doing even better than I was while on ADs!
The problem was that I wasn't in full-time employment at the time. I had Xanax to tide me over during brief temp assignments with an employer who was already very familiar to me. The rest of the time I lived a hermit-like existence, only occasionally seeing my boyfriend. I was happy on my own with my hobbies and my cat and even enjoyed the odd brief social interaction. For the first time in years, I was capable of feeling like a normal person without ADs or alcohol. I had a strong inner conviction that if I continued to ease rehabilitate myself, I'd be able to live a normal life.
On Friday I was thrust back into the world of full-time permanent employment for the first time in 3 years. I am freaking out. After breaking up with my boyfriend last week, I am feeling very unattractive and am also facing a couple of old unresolved conflicts concerning my sexuality and other things. I feel as though these conflicts are obvious because I am very shy and have this body dysmorphic/awkward body language thing. This makes me CONSTANTLY uptight about what others are thinking and saying about me..I know that other people probably have better things to do than to talk and laugh about me, but every time I hear someone talk or laugh around me, I do an incredible amount of self-referencing. (It's all that I can do to disguise my paranoia by not turning around every time somebody laughs.)
I also have trouble coping with all the noise around me in the office and can't concentrate on the work that I'm supposed to be doing. Since starting this job, I've had to go home for lunch every day and take half a Xanax to stop all the insecure thoughts in my head!)
At the core I am just extremely sensitive. I know that people probably do think that I'm extremely odd as I am highly unusual. (I relate totally to the recent social anxiety thread in this forum.) The core of my paranoia is that I feel so uncomfortable about myself that it is showing in my body language and that is making other people feel uncomfortable around me. (That is probably the main reason why I never fit in.)
My biggest fear is that I have paranoid schizophrenia. Can a person really be a paranoid if they are totally aware that they are paranoid, or is this social anxiety? I had 4 years of therapy and have been told that I cannot be psychotic as I have very good self-insight, but those feelings of paranoia are torturing me at the moment.
I don't want to sell my soul and my physical health to antipsychotics or even antidepressants. My mother cried after I came of Effexor and told me how glad she was to have her daughter back. I'm hoping that I'm just going through an adjustment period. (Imagine going from having almost NO interaction with anyone to suddenly having a full time job and breaking up with your boyfriend in one week!) My boyfriend also really hurt me, leaving me with very poor self-esteem regarding my social skills and physical appearance. I can't afford a psychiatrist but have seen a GP, who says that my problem is anxiety.
I was doing so well before this and probably would have been OK if I had eased myself back into the workforce via part time work. I just want to feel like a normal human being for once. Instead I feel like a paranoid freak.
I just feel like bursting into tears at the moment but I know that I'll be exhausted at work tomorrow if I let myself cry tonight. Will have a good cry on the weekend. I know that I am basically a very strong person but right now I feel like a twig that is about to snap.
Please, I don't want a lecture on my need to see a psychiatrist or to try this drug or that. I will take care of that when my financial situation improves. However, I would appreciate any insight to the possible nature of my condition (anxiety vs paranoia). Nobody ever seems to talk about feelings of paranoia and right now I feel really alone.
Am I really the only person in the world who suffers from this kind of paranoia? I have never met anyone like me.
Posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 4:37:54
In reply to Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
I need to take another (whole Xanax) to get to sleep or I can't function the next day. Every time the alarm goes off, I've been dreaming about my boyfriend rejecting me all over again. I can't stop crying in the dream and arrive at work exhausted. He was never in love with me. I was just a friend and a sexual convenience. He can take me or leave me.
Posted by bluedog on December 18, 2002, at 7:03:57
In reply to Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
Alara
I can empathise completely with you! What you are describing definitely sounds like social anxiety to me.
I returned to full time work myself on Monday this week (I am having Wednesdays off initially on the recommendation of my psychiatrist).
Well today was my day off and I am now SEVERELY depressed again. Today and and with each passing day since my return to work I am becoming more and more anxious and my depression is building up again to previous lows (and I'm still on AD meds and taking Valium to help me through the day). All this after I've only been back at work 2 days after a four month break.
==================================================================================================
> The rest of the time I lived a hermit-like existence, only occasionally seeing my boyfriend. I was happy on my own with my hobbies and my cat and even enjoyed the odd brief social interaction. For the first time in years, I was capable of feeling like a normal person without ADs or alcohol. I had a strong inner conviction that if I continued to ease rehabilitate myself, I'd be able to live a normal life.This describes me down to the last detail but because of my social anxiety I can't even get a girlfriend let alone break up with one. You can also substitute the word dogs for cat in your above description. Just last Friday I thought that I had actually thought I had my condition under control but 2 days back at work has shattered this illusion completely!
==================================================================================================> I am feeling very unattractive....I feel as though these conflicts are obvious because I am very shy and have this body dysmorphic/awkward body language thing. This makes me CONSTANTLY uptight about what others are thinking and saying about me..I know that other people probably have better things to do than to talk and laugh about me, but every time I hear someone talk or laugh around me, I do an incredible amount of self-referencing. (It's all that I can do to disguise my paranoia by not turning around every time somebody laughs.)
I consider myself completely UGLY. I know it's my social anxiety talking but I simply can not talk to let alone attract any female that I find attractive. I am also COMPLETELY paranoid (especially when I hear laughter). It's so bad that when my neighbours next door are having a party and I hear laughter or mirth I become CONVINCED that they are having some joke about that ugly loser neighbour of theirs (in other words ME!!!!). I lock myself indoors when this happens and will not go into my back yard when my neighbours are having a party for fear that they will see me and laugh at me. (It's really bizarre because my neighbours are actually very nice people but SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL)
==================================================================================================
> At the core I am just extremely sensitive. I know that people probably do think that I'm extremely odd as I am highly unusual. (I relate totally to the recent social anxiety thread in this forum.) The core of my paranoia is that I feel so uncomfortable about myself that it is showing in my body language and that is making other people feel uncomfortable around me. (That is probably the main reason why I never fit in.)This is me again. Sounds like social anxiety to me!!!!!
==================================================================================================> My biggest fear is that I have paranoid schizophrenia. Can a person really be a paranoid if they are totally aware that they are paranoid, or is this social anxiety? I had 4 years of therapy and have been told that I cannot be psychotic as I have very good self-insight, but those feelings of paranoia are torturing me at the moment.
My paranoia tortures me too. Again I'm certain it's my social anxiety and from what you describe you also sound like you have social anxiety NOT paranoid schizophrenia (of course I'm NOT a psychiatrist but I am speaking from personal experience. I have had much personal contact with paranoid schizophrenics and have seen many letters written by paranoid schizophrenics and I believe that your insight and the coherence of your posts doesn't even come close to your fears that you have this condition).
When I walk out the front door of my house I'm certain that the neighbours are all laughing at me. When I leave a shop after having made a purchase I am convinced that the sales staff are having a good joke at my expense.
==================================================================================================
> I don't want to sell my soul and my physical health to antipsychotics or even antidepressants. My mother cried after I came of Effexor and told me how glad she was to have her daughter back.Don't believe for a minute that taking meds is selling your soul. THis is NOT true!!!!!
==================================================================================================
>I'm hoping that I'm just going through an adjustment period.Me too!!
==================================================================================================> I just feel like bursting into tears at the moment but I know that I'll be exhausted at work tomorrow if I let myself cry tonight. Will have a good cry on the weekend. I know that I am basically a very strong person but right now I feel like a twig that is about to snap.
Like you I am on constantly on the verge of tears (not a real good look for an Aussie male) and I don't know if I'm going to cope with the next two days before the weekend. I am doomed to simply being too sensitive to exist normally in this world!!!
==================================================================================================> Please, I don't want a lecture on my need to see a psychiatrist or to try this drug or that. I will take care of that when my financial situation improves. However, I would appreciate any insight to the possible nature of my condition (anxiety vs paranoia). Nobody ever seems to talk about feelings of paranoia and right now I feel really alone.
>
> Am I really the only person in the world who suffers from this kind of paranoia? I have never met anyone like me.NO, NO, NO you definiteley are not the only person in the world with this kind of paranoia. I am extremely paranoid and since my return to work am beginning to relapse into very severe depression again. What you have sounds all too familiar to a long term social phobia sufferer like myself!!
warm regards and my thoughts are with you
bluedog
Posted by ROO on December 18, 2002, at 9:18:52
In reply to Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
Honey, give yourself a break...you are going through
ALOT....new job after a long time of not working, break up
with a boyfriend that was somewhat damaging to your self esteem...trying
to be off meds too....that's ALOT.No, you are NOT a freak, I have felt that same way at work and
other situations....hear people laughing and think they are laughing
and gossiping about me, etc, to the point where I'll make myself miserable
over it. Yes, I've done that. It's also hard when you first start working
someplace and you don't know anyone...that's enough to make anyone feel insecure
and awkward.Sounds like you need to take a big breath, give yourself a break, realize you
are going through an awful lot and try and say as nice as things as possible to
yourself. Sometimes a mantra helps me...I'll say I'm the opposite of what I'm
feeling I am. If I feel like a big ogre that nobody could love, I repeat over
and over to myself "I am loving, I am healing, I am joyful" over and over again to
counteract the negative voices in my head. It sounds corny and Stewart Smalley, but
it works for me, so who cares?Meds have helped me alot with that sort of paranoia, but I know it's not the answer for
everyone. Maybe they could just help you through the transition, until you've adjusted to
your new situation. Changes always cause big time stress and then stress triggers "shit", I believe
is the technical term, in our heads.....Be nice to you--No more calling yourself a Freak!
As my friend used to say, that's "bad word magic"...practice
good word magic instead..."I am loving, I am graceful, I am peaceful".....
Posted by Mikhail99 on December 18, 2002, at 9:19:29
In reply to Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Alara on December 18, 2002, at 2:33:27
> Well, I was feeling really proud of myself. After coming off Effexor in August, I gradually cut down my drinking to normal levels, started St John's Wort/Vitamin B, and thought that I'd had my anxiety problem licked. In fact, I was doing even better than I was while on ADs!
>
> The problem was that I wasn't in full-time employment at the time. I had Xanax to tide me over during brief temp assignments with an employer who was already very familiar to me. The rest of the time I lived a hermit-like existence, only occasionally seeing my boyfriend. I was happy on my own with my hobbies and my cat and even enjoyed the odd brief social interaction. For the first time in years, I was capable of feeling like a normal person without ADs or alcohol. I had a strong inner conviction that if I continued to ease rehabilitate myself, I'd be able to live a normal life.
>
> On Friday I was thrust back into the world of full-time permanent employment for the first time in 3 years. I am freaking out. After breaking up with my boyfriend last week, I am feeling very unattractive and am also facing a couple of old unresolved conflicts concerning my sexuality and other things. I feel as though these conflicts are obvious because I am very shy and have this body dysmorphic/awkward body language thing. This makes me CONSTANTLY uptight about what others are thinking and saying about me..I know that other people probably have better things to do than to talk and laugh about me, but every time I hear someone talk or laugh around me, I do an incredible amount of self-referencing. (It's all that I can do to disguise my paranoia by not turning around every time somebody laughs.)
>
> I also have trouble coping with all the noise around me in the office and can't concentrate on the work that I'm supposed to be doing. Since starting this job, I've had to go home for lunch every day and take half a Xanax to stop all the insecure thoughts in my head!)
>
> At the core I am just extremely sensitive. I know that people probably do think that I'm extremely odd as I am highly unusual. (I relate totally to the recent social anxiety thread in this forum.) The core of my paranoia is that I feel so uncomfortable about myself that it is showing in my body language and that is making other people feel uncomfortable around me. (That is probably the main reason why I never fit in.)
>
> My biggest fear is that I have paranoid schizophrenia. Can a person really be a paranoid if they are totally aware that they are paranoid, or is this social anxiety? I had 4 years of therapy and have been told that I cannot be psychotic as I have very good self-insight, but those feelings of paranoia are torturing me at the moment.
>
> I don't want to sell my soul and my physical health to antipsychotics or even antidepressants. My mother cried after I came of Effexor and told me how glad she was to have her daughter back. I'm hoping that I'm just going through an adjustment period. (Imagine going from having almost NO interaction with anyone to suddenly having a full time job and breaking up with your boyfriend in one week!) My boyfriend also really hurt me, leaving me with very poor self-esteem regarding my social skills and physical appearance. I can't afford a psychiatrist but have seen a GP, who says that my problem is anxiety.
>
> I was doing so well before this and probably would have been OK if I had eased myself back into the workforce via part time work. I just want to feel like a normal human being for once. Instead I feel like a paranoid freak.
>
> I just feel like bursting into tears at the moment but I know that I'll be exhausted at work tomorrow if I let myself cry tonight. Will have a good cry on the weekend. I know that I am basically a very strong person but right now I feel like a twig that is about to snap.
>
> Please, I don't want a lecture on my need to see a psychiatrist or to try this drug or that. I will take care of that when my financial situation improves. However, I would appreciate any insight to the possible nature of my condition (anxiety vs paranoia). Nobody ever seems to talk about feelings of paranoia and right now I feel really alone.
>
> Am I really the only person in the world who suffers from this kind of paranoia? I have never met anyone like me.No, you're not the only one who feels this way, social anxiety just SUCKS! I'm always convinvced that people want nothing to do with me or they think I'm weird whenever I open my mouth. So I tend to avoid social situations because it's not worth the worry and anxiety they bring on. It makes my husband nuts that I never want to do anything with our friends but I'm only comfortable with him and even that's getting to be aggravating.
No lecture but there are meds that can help. I took paxil for awhile and found it a tremendous help BUT I had a lot of problems stopping it. I don't really recommend it but maybe another SSRI?Have you heard of "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"? It has a lot of information about GAD and social anxiety and ways to cope.
You may feel like a paranoid freak but you're not! I think one of the worst things about anxiety is how it feeds on itself and grows. Something I've learned in therapy is positive self-talk during some of these bad moments. It doesn't always work but sometimes I can stop my anxieties from spiraling out of control by reminding myself that I am anxious and that my perceptions of others may not be accurate at that moment. It's hard to remember but I find the more I do it, the easier it gets.
I hope in all my blathering here, I've said something helpful for you. Just please know that all of us with anxiety disorders feel like you do and you're not a freak.
Take care!
Posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 1:54:33
In reply to Social Anxiety and Paranoia go hand in hand!! » Alara, posted by bluedog on December 18, 2002, at 7:03:57
> Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bluedog. When I got home and saw your post I was so relieved that I burst into tears! On the one hand I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time, but I am also so glad to meet somebody else who understands exactly what I'm going through.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you said could have come straight from my own mouth..You talked about sinking into a severe depression in a matter of two days...Well, on Friday I felt like a normal person...My mood was normal and it looked as though I could have a normal life. Five days into the job and I've sunk so far into a depression that I can't even comprehend what is going on around me!
I'm sure that my new colleagues must be stumped at my inability to understand the work processes that I have been shown. All my energy has been taken up with coping with the office noise and with the reactions and conversations of people around me! It is all so overwhelming that I have now gone into a kind of dissasociation/depersonalisation mode to protect myself. Once this starts to happen, the depression comes on very rapidly. My brain slows down and I probably start giving off my `psychiatric patient' aura...I wouldn't be surprised if they think I'm completely stupid and crazy..I am terrified that I am about to lose my job. When a process is explained to me, I go completely blank and can't comprehend or remember a thing..They are probably wondering what the hell is going on as I tested as highly intelligent in the aptitude tests - conducted in calm, quiet conditions after a good night's sleep! Quite frankly, I'm doing no better right now than a person with a mild intellectual disability. I am terrified that I am about to be fired. This afternoon I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer, completely unable to make any progress. If I had been taught in a quiet, private environment, I would have been flying!
It is becoming impossible to conceal my condition, so now people really are starting to feel uncomfortable with me...The friendly, confident girl who started her job on Friday is now a mentally ill person who isn't even comfortable with making eye contact anymore. How can you hide a condition like that? That's the worst thing about this kind of paranoia: It is impossible to hide it from other people, so then they really DO start talking about you, which fuels even worse feelings of paranoia. I was in the same situation in a previous job and was eventually pulled into an office with my manager to discuss my `paranoia', which, apparently, was concerning a lot of people. How embarrassing!
When I leave the office each afternoon, my head is full of the noise in the office; it feels as though it is about to explode. The Xanax calms me a little but now that the depression is kicking in, my life is a living hell, 24X7.
> >
> "You can also substitute the word dogs for cat in your above description." lol, Bluedog. What would we do without our animals? We don't have to worry about what they think of our appearance or social skills. They love us unconditionally. ==================================================================================================
>
>
> "It's so bad that when my neighbours next door are having a party and I hear laughter or mirth I become CONVINCED that they are having some joke about that ugly loser neighbour of theirs (in other words ME!!!!). I lock myself indoors when this happens and will not go into my back yard when my neighbours are having a party for fear that they will see me and laugh at me. (It's really bizarre because my neighbours are actually very nice people but SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL)...> When I walk out the front door of my house I'm certain that the neighbours are all laughing at me. When I leave a shop after having made a purchase I am convinced that the sales staff are having a good joke at my expense."
HEY, BLUEDOG, ARE YOU MY LONG LOST TWIN BY ANY CHANCE?? :-) I wasn't aware that there was anyone else in the world who was going through this sort of stuff - let alone anyone else in Australia!
> ==================================================================================================
>
> "Don't believe for a minute that taking meds is selling your soul. THis is NOT true!!!!!"I can't help feeling this way about antidepressants at the moment. After I came off Effexor (an unplanned event), I was shocked to discover that I had been a totally different person for the whole time that I was on the drug. I lost my emotional core...After coming off Effexor I felt that I had reconnected with my soul. Even my mother remarked that she had `lost her daughter' for the four years that I was on the medication..I promised her that I'd try my best to stay healthy the natural way and have worked so hard during the last few months in order to achieve that..I am an only child and my parents (particlularly my father) can't accept anything being `wrong' with their 32 y-o daughter. I was so determined to avoid disappointing them, but I am also under an incredible amount of pressure to keep this job (because my father won't continue to give me handouts) and realise that I am going to need to make a decision either way. I already pay a big chunk of my salary just to rent a little flat in Sydney, so part-time work will not even come near to covering my expenses. The core hours for this job are from 8am to 5pm and I need to stay back when required..All this makes for a very long day and adds to the pressure.
> >
>" Like you I am on constantly on the verge of tears (not a real good look for an Aussie male) and I don't know if I'm going to cope with the next two days before the weekend. I am doomed to simply being too sensitive to exist normally in this world!!!">I am really sorry to hear this, Bluedog. It is hard enough for a woman to be seen crying at work. The pressure on you to stay in control as an Aussie male is incredible. ==================================================================================================
>
>
>" NO, NO, NO you definiteley are not the only person in the world with this kind of paranoia. I am extremely paranoid and since my return to work am beginning to relapse into very severe depression again. What you have sounds all too familiar to a long term social phobia sufferer like myself!!
>
> warm regards and my thoughts are with you
> bluedog"Thanks again, Bluedog. My warm regards and thoughts are with you too. :-)
Alara
>
>
>
>
Posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 1:58:59
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by ROO on December 18, 2002, at 9:18:52
Thank you for putting it into perspective for me, Roo. You are right: I have been through a rough week and I need to be a little kinder to myself. Am pulling out David Burns' "Feeling Good" again to try to remind myself not to put labels on myself like "freak". Will try those mantras. Thanks again.
Alara
Posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 2:04:10
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out, posted by Mikhail99 on December 18, 2002, at 9:19:29
> >>
> Have you heard of "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"? It has a lot of information about GAD and social anxiety and ways to cope.
>
> You may feel like a paranoid freak but you're not! I think one of the worst things about anxiety is how it feeds on itself and grows. Something I've learned in therapy is positive self-talk during some of these bad moments. It doesn't always work but sometimes I can stop my anxieties from spiraling out of control by reminding myself that I am anxious and that my perceptions of others may not be accurate at that moment. It's hard to remember but I find the more I do it, the easier it gets.
>
> I hope in all my blathering here, I've said something helpful for you. Just please know that all of us with anxiety disorders feel like you do and you're not a freak.
> Take care!
>You haven't blathered at all, Mikhail! I will look for the book you suggested. Thank you for sharing that with me. You people make me feel so much less alone.
Posted by ROO on December 19, 2002, at 8:35:34
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety or Paranoia? Help, I'm freaking out » Mikhail99, posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 2:04:10
Keep us updated, Alara...after writing my upbeat
positive post to you, (was feeling quite "normal"
that day, having a good day), I ended up having a meltdown
day, feeling like a screw up, that I would be forever, etc. etc.
It's so hard to even think straight or function when you start
to downspiral like that. I felt really defeated b/c I had been feeling
so good.Anyway....I hope this job works out......and I hope you start
feeling a little more peace...depression/anxiety/paranoia sure makes
the head a hellish place, I know.
Posted by Mikhail99 on December 19, 2002, at 8:42:52
In reply to Re: Alara, posted by ROO on December 19, 2002, at 8:35:34
> Keep us updated, Alara...after writing my upbeat
> positive post to you, (was feeling quite "normal"
> that day, having a good day), I ended up having a meltdown
> day, feeling like a screw up, that I would be forever, etc. etc.
> It's so hard to even think straight or function when you start
> to downspiral like that. I felt really defeated b/c I had been feeling
> so good.
>
> Anyway....I hope this job works out......and I hope you start
> feeling a little more peace...depression/anxiety/paranoia sure makes
> the head a hellish place, I know.
Roo~I just wanted you to know that I had a very similar day yesterday, I was feeling pretty good and competent and then last night, cried myself to sleep and feeling very lonely and loser-like. What you said is so true, the head is a hellish place!
Take care and I hope you're feeling better today!
Posted by bluedog on December 19, 2002, at 11:30:31
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety and Paranoia go hand in hand!! » bluedog, posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 1:54:33
> > Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bluedog. When I got home and saw your post I was so relieved that I burst into tears! On the one hand I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time, but I am also so glad to meet somebody else who understands exactly what I'm going through.
Hi Alara, weird as this may sound I actually felt uplifted by your above statement. It made me feel good to help you feel that you are not alone in your feelings
==================================================================================================
> I'm sure that my new colleagues must be stumped at my inability to understand the work processes that I have been shown. All my energy has been taken up with coping with the office noise and with the reactions and conversations of people around me! It is all so overwhelming that I have now gone into a kind of dissasociation/depersonalisation mode to protect myself. Once this starts to happen, the depression comes on very rapidly. My brain slows down and I probably start giving off my `psychiatric patient' aura...I wouldn't be surprised if they think I'm completely stupid and crazy..I am terrified that I am about to lose my job. When a process is explained to me, I go completely blank and can't comprehend or remember a thing..They are probably wondering what the hell is going on as I tested as highly intelligent in the aptitude tests - conducted in calm, quiet conditions after a good night's sleep! Quite frankly, I'm doing no better right now than a person with a mild intellectual disability. I am terrified that I am about to be fired. This afternoon I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer, completely unable to make any progress. If I had been taught in a quiet, private environment, I would have been flying!Yes, I have been at work for 3 days now and guess what?... I have achieved absolutely nothing. Yes I have been able to give the illusion that I'm working but I have not produced any work and this frightens me greatly! I simply go into a trance at my computer screen and keep making promises I can't keep that I will get that report or whatever done ASAP. Yet my brain doesn't seem to function properly... a HUGE difference to my intellectual capacity since only last Friday.
==================================================================================================
> It is becoming impossible to conceal my condition, so now people really are starting to feel uncomfortable with me...The friendly, confident girl who started her job on Friday is now a mentally ill person who isn't even comfortable with making eye contact anymore. How can you hide a condition like that? That's the worst thing about this kind of paranoia: It is impossible to hide it from other people, so then they really DO start talking about you, which fuels even worse feelings of paranoia. I was in the same situation in a previous job and was eventually pulled into an office with my manager to discuss my `paranoia', which, apparently, was concerning a lot of people. How embarrassing!One symptom of social anxiety is that you genuinely believe that you present to others in a much worse light than is actually the case. I am certain that your colleagues at this very early stage im your new job merely think you are a little shy and quiet and are not at all thinking badly of you but that you are merely going through a settling in period. It's a symptom of that horrible paranoia that us social phobics experience.
I guess I am a little luckier than you because I returned to my previous job and I actually know the people there. Try and hook up with some genuine caring people in your office. Hang in there.... because of my social anxiety it took me a while before I could have some meaningful relationships with some caring colleagues. In general these caring colleagues were people slightly older than me (I'm 33) and with plenty of life experience and troubles of their own that they have experienced. Believe it or not my most trusted and caring friend at work is a 40 year old lesbian who came out of an abusive marriage and had a son who died of cancer not so long ago. I had an immediate connection with this person. She sensed immediately that I was a sensitive individual (too sensitive for my own good because this makes me an easy target for bullies) and she practically took me under her wing. I hope you have someone who can be as supportive for you in your office.
==================================================================================================
> When I leave the office each afternoon, my head is full of the noise in the office; it feels as though it is about to explode. The Xanax calms me a little but now that the depression is kicking in, my life is a living hell, 24X7.I'm sure you'll get used to the noise. People who live near airports can sleep through all the aircraft noise and don't even notice it after a while
==================================================================================================> "You can also substitute the word dogs for cat in your above description." lol, Bluedog. What would we do without our animals? We don't have to worry about what they think of our appearance or social skills. They love us unconditionally.
I am one of the biggest animal lovers alive. My dogs sleep with me in my bed and it is a joy to see their tails wag and their absolute joy when I wake up in the morning and give them their good morning hugs and kisses.
==================================================================================================> > "It's so bad that when my neighbours next door are having a party and I hear laughter or mirth I become CONVINCED that they are having some joke about that ugly loser neighbour of theirs (in other words ME!!!!). I lock myself indoors when this happens and will not go into my back yard when my neighbours are having a party for fear that they will see me and laugh at me. (It's really bizarre because my neighbours are actually very nice people but SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL)...
>
> > When I walk out the front door of my house I'm certain that the neighbours are all laughing at me. When I leave a shop after having made a purchase I am convinced that the sales staff are having a good joke at my expense."
>
> HEY, BLUEDOG, ARE YOU MY LONG LOST TWIN BY ANY CHANCE?? :-) I wasn't aware that there was anyone else in the world who was going through this sort of stuff - let alone anyone else in Australia!I repeat my above statement - SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL. Get a proper diagnosis and then the appropriate drugs to help (NOT alcohol though...this substance hits the pleasure centres of my brain so hard that I have trouble knowing when to stop) Valium has been helpful to control my social anxiety to a degree.
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> > "Don't believe for a minute that taking meds is selling your soul. THis is NOT true!!!!!"
>
> I can't help feeling this way about antidepressants at the moment. After I came off Effexor (an unplanned event), I was shocked to discover that I had been a totally different person for the whole time that I was on the drug. I lost my emotional core...After coming off Effexor I felt that I had reconnected with my soul. Even my mother remarked that she had `lost her daughter' for the four years that I was on the medication..I promised her that I'd try my best to stay healthy the natural way and have worked so hard during the last few months in order to achieve that..I am an only child and my parents (particlularly my father) can't accept anything being `wrong' with their 32 y-o daughter. I was so determined to avoid disappointing them, but I am also under an incredible amount of pressure to keep this job (because my father won't continue to give me handouts) and realise that I am going to need to make a decision either way. I already pay a big chunk of my salary just to rent a little flat in Sydney, so part-time work will not even come near to covering my expenses. The core hours for this job are from 8am to 5pm and I need to stay back when required..All this makes for a very long day and adds to the pressure.My meds have the opposite effect on me. If you find the right meds for your "proper" diagnosis they should actually make you feel normal again.
I HATED Effexor and I would be EXTREMELY careful about taking this substance if you have any tendency to drink a "little" too much through self medication. Effexor competes for the same enzyme pathways in your liver as alcohol and wins this battle hands down causing amazing spikes in your blood alcohol content. I blame effexor for turning me from a social phobic self-medicator into a full blown alcoholic (another common symptom of social anxiety sufferers) I am currently very pleased with my 20mg LOVAN (basically generic Prozac) with my 5mg of valium 3x per day. Because of my sudden drop in mood I'm considering doubling my Lovan dose to 40mg per day but I just have to make it through one more day and I'd like to see if the weekend will give me the rest I need before I consider trialing a higher AD dose. When and if my mood stabilises I am also seriously considering speaking to my PDoc about trialing Aurorix (Moclobemide) because I've taken this drug before with success and no side effects.
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Just think just one more day and it will be weekend and your brain will get a chance to rest and recuperate AND to process all that that you are experiencing at the moment. In this respect the brain is an amazing and very adaptive organ. It sometimes takes some of us a bit longer to adap to new situations than others, but I'm convinced that you will adapt BUT you will need to get through that tough but pesky initial period.Oh by the way try to savour those good moments you have in your life like when you cuddle your cat or you look up at the sky and realise that the universe is much larger and infinitely more significant than the place where you work and that nature can be very beautiful despite all of the ugliness that you may experience in your life. Simple moments like this give me very brief yet healing respites from the pain that I suffer each day. I find that the more often I do this that it is actually starting to become a habit and I can do it more often now than I used to. For instance when I wake up in the morning I immediately go outside (now that it's summer) and lie down in the sun next to my dogs and admire the beauty of the clouds and the sky and listen to the wind rustle thriugh the gum leaves. This is also very useful to kick start your metabolism in the morning and to reset your circadian rythms that are dictated by the melatonin production in your brain. Again I'm merely hoping that my depression relapse is a temporary adjustment that my body is making to it's new routine.
I grant you much strength in your quest for inner peace and again my warmest regards and thoughts are with you
bluedog
Posted by Alara on December 20, 2002, at 4:56:46
In reply to Re: Alara, posted by ROO on December 19, 2002, at 8:35:34
> Keep us updated, Alara...after writing my upbeat
> positive post to you, (was feeling quite "normal"
> that day, having a good day), I ended up having a meltdown
> day, feeling like a screw up, that I would be forever, etc. etc.
> It's so hard to even think straight or function when you start
> to downspiral like that. I felt really defeated b/c I had been feeling
> so good.
>
> Anyway....I hope this job works out......and I hope you start
> feeling a little more peace...depression/anxiety/paranoia sure makes
> the head a hellish place, I know.
Hi Roo,It seems that you and I traded places today. Sorry to hear that you day turned into such a nightmare...With this kind of illness our days are always so unpredictable. My day actually improved this afternoon. Firstly, it was Friday, meaning that I had almost made it through my first full week in the new job! I also ducked out of the office at around 2pm to call my old pdoc (who knows me very well) for her suggestions on a suitable AD. Knowing that I had an appointment with my GP after work, I was able to relax a little and focus on my work. (It was such a tremendous relief to finally be able to tell another human being about what I have been going through. I have been bottling this up all week. You friends here were my only support until this afternoon. Thanks again!)
My pdoc actually recommended that I start on Cipramil (Celexa). I have done a lot of soul searching to arrive at the final decision to take ADs again..As you know, I am terrified of being alienated from the sensitive person who I really am again. (Sensitivity is a curse but it's also a strength. That's the paradox for many of us.) But at the moment I don't have the luxury to choose between getting meaning out of life and earning a living. The truth is that this probably won't even bother me once the ADs kick in. :-)
When I saw my GP this afternoon, he seemed a little alarmed at the anxious state that I was in. (I broke down into tears because I was so relieved to be telling all this to an understanding person face-to-face. When I cry, it's often very cathartic for me, but I think it scares even the medical professionals, because I really appear to be losing it.) Anyway, he wrote the script for the Cipramil/Celexa and gave me a repeat for the Xanax. He said that I could call him after hours at home if I ever needed help. (I would never dream of imposing on his time, but I was really touched by his generosity.)
I am crying right now as I am sitting in front of the computer, but my tears are more a sign of relief than of despair. TGIF! Thank God I'm not the only person who is going through this kind of thing. And yes, thank God for doctors and (if somewhat begrudgingly)for drugs...
Keep your chin up, Roo. Keep saying those mantras. I firmly believe that every little thing that we do helps.
This is the end of the thread.
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