Posted by bluedog on December 19, 2002, at 11:30:31
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety and Paranoia go hand in hand!! » bluedog, posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 1:54:33
> > Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bluedog. When I got home and saw your post I was so relieved that I burst into tears! On the one hand I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time, but I am also so glad to meet somebody else who understands exactly what I'm going through.
Hi Alara, weird as this may sound I actually felt uplifted by your above statement. It made me feel good to help you feel that you are not alone in your feelings
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> I'm sure that my new colleagues must be stumped at my inability to understand the work processes that I have been shown. All my energy has been taken up with coping with the office noise and with the reactions and conversations of people around me! It is all so overwhelming that I have now gone into a kind of dissasociation/depersonalisation mode to protect myself. Once this starts to happen, the depression comes on very rapidly. My brain slows down and I probably start giving off my `psychiatric patient' aura...I wouldn't be surprised if they think I'm completely stupid and crazy..I am terrified that I am about to lose my job. When a process is explained to me, I go completely blank and can't comprehend or remember a thing..They are probably wondering what the hell is going on as I tested as highly intelligent in the aptitude tests - conducted in calm, quiet conditions after a good night's sleep! Quite frankly, I'm doing no better right now than a person with a mild intellectual disability. I am terrified that I am about to be fired. This afternoon I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer, completely unable to make any progress. If I had been taught in a quiet, private environment, I would have been flying!Yes, I have been at work for 3 days now and guess what?... I have achieved absolutely nothing. Yes I have been able to give the illusion that I'm working but I have not produced any work and this frightens me greatly! I simply go into a trance at my computer screen and keep making promises I can't keep that I will get that report or whatever done ASAP. Yet my brain doesn't seem to function properly... a HUGE difference to my intellectual capacity since only last Friday.
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> It is becoming impossible to conceal my condition, so now people really are starting to feel uncomfortable with me...The friendly, confident girl who started her job on Friday is now a mentally ill person who isn't even comfortable with making eye contact anymore. How can you hide a condition like that? That's the worst thing about this kind of paranoia: It is impossible to hide it from other people, so then they really DO start talking about you, which fuels even worse feelings of paranoia. I was in the same situation in a previous job and was eventually pulled into an office with my manager to discuss my `paranoia', which, apparently, was concerning a lot of people. How embarrassing!One symptom of social anxiety is that you genuinely believe that you present to others in a much worse light than is actually the case. I am certain that your colleagues at this very early stage im your new job merely think you are a little shy and quiet and are not at all thinking badly of you but that you are merely going through a settling in period. It's a symptom of that horrible paranoia that us social phobics experience.
I guess I am a little luckier than you because I returned to my previous job and I actually know the people there. Try and hook up with some genuine caring people in your office. Hang in there.... because of my social anxiety it took me a while before I could have some meaningful relationships with some caring colleagues. In general these caring colleagues were people slightly older than me (I'm 33) and with plenty of life experience and troubles of their own that they have experienced. Believe it or not my most trusted and caring friend at work is a 40 year old lesbian who came out of an abusive marriage and had a son who died of cancer not so long ago. I had an immediate connection with this person. She sensed immediately that I was a sensitive individual (too sensitive for my own good because this makes me an easy target for bullies) and she practically took me under her wing. I hope you have someone who can be as supportive for you in your office.
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> When I leave the office each afternoon, my head is full of the noise in the office; it feels as though it is about to explode. The Xanax calms me a little but now that the depression is kicking in, my life is a living hell, 24X7.I'm sure you'll get used to the noise. People who live near airports can sleep through all the aircraft noise and don't even notice it after a while
==================================================================================================> "You can also substitute the word dogs for cat in your above description." lol, Bluedog. What would we do without our animals? We don't have to worry about what they think of our appearance or social skills. They love us unconditionally.
I am one of the biggest animal lovers alive. My dogs sleep with me in my bed and it is a joy to see their tails wag and their absolute joy when I wake up in the morning and give them their good morning hugs and kisses.
==================================================================================================> > "It's so bad that when my neighbours next door are having a party and I hear laughter or mirth I become CONVINCED that they are having some joke about that ugly loser neighbour of theirs (in other words ME!!!!). I lock myself indoors when this happens and will not go into my back yard when my neighbours are having a party for fear that they will see me and laugh at me. (It's really bizarre because my neighbours are actually very nice people but SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL)...
>
> > When I walk out the front door of my house I'm certain that the neighbours are all laughing at me. When I leave a shop after having made a purchase I am convinced that the sales staff are having a good joke at my expense."
>
> HEY, BLUEDOG, ARE YOU MY LONG LOST TWIN BY ANY CHANCE?? :-) I wasn't aware that there was anyone else in the world who was going through this sort of stuff - let alone anyone else in Australia!I repeat my above statement - SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL. Get a proper diagnosis and then the appropriate drugs to help (NOT alcohol though...this substance hits the pleasure centres of my brain so hard that I have trouble knowing when to stop) Valium has been helpful to control my social anxiety to a degree.
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> > "Don't believe for a minute that taking meds is selling your soul. THis is NOT true!!!!!"
>
> I can't help feeling this way about antidepressants at the moment. After I came off Effexor (an unplanned event), I was shocked to discover that I had been a totally different person for the whole time that I was on the drug. I lost my emotional core...After coming off Effexor I felt that I had reconnected with my soul. Even my mother remarked that she had `lost her daughter' for the four years that I was on the medication..I promised her that I'd try my best to stay healthy the natural way and have worked so hard during the last few months in order to achieve that..I am an only child and my parents (particlularly my father) can't accept anything being `wrong' with their 32 y-o daughter. I was so determined to avoid disappointing them, but I am also under an incredible amount of pressure to keep this job (because my father won't continue to give me handouts) and realise that I am going to need to make a decision either way. I already pay a big chunk of my salary just to rent a little flat in Sydney, so part-time work will not even come near to covering my expenses. The core hours for this job are from 8am to 5pm and I need to stay back when required..All this makes for a very long day and adds to the pressure.My meds have the opposite effect on me. If you find the right meds for your "proper" diagnosis they should actually make you feel normal again.
I HATED Effexor and I would be EXTREMELY careful about taking this substance if you have any tendency to drink a "little" too much through self medication. Effexor competes for the same enzyme pathways in your liver as alcohol and wins this battle hands down causing amazing spikes in your blood alcohol content. I blame effexor for turning me from a social phobic self-medicator into a full blown alcoholic (another common symptom of social anxiety sufferers) I am currently very pleased with my 20mg LOVAN (basically generic Prozac) with my 5mg of valium 3x per day. Because of my sudden drop in mood I'm considering doubling my Lovan dose to 40mg per day but I just have to make it through one more day and I'd like to see if the weekend will give me the rest I need before I consider trialing a higher AD dose. When and if my mood stabilises I am also seriously considering speaking to my PDoc about trialing Aurorix (Moclobemide) because I've taken this drug before with success and no side effects.
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Just think just one more day and it will be weekend and your brain will get a chance to rest and recuperate AND to process all that that you are experiencing at the moment. In this respect the brain is an amazing and very adaptive organ. It sometimes takes some of us a bit longer to adap to new situations than others, but I'm convinced that you will adapt BUT you will need to get through that tough but pesky initial period.Oh by the way try to savour those good moments you have in your life like when you cuddle your cat or you look up at the sky and realise that the universe is much larger and infinitely more significant than the place where you work and that nature can be very beautiful despite all of the ugliness that you may experience in your life. Simple moments like this give me very brief yet healing respites from the pain that I suffer each day. I find that the more often I do this that it is actually starting to become a habit and I can do it more often now than I used to. For instance when I wake up in the morning I immediately go outside (now that it's summer) and lie down in the sun next to my dogs and admire the beauty of the clouds and the sky and listen to the wind rustle thriugh the gum leaves. This is also very useful to kick start your metabolism in the morning and to reset your circadian rythms that are dictated by the melatonin production in your brain. Again I'm merely hoping that my depression relapse is a temporary adjustment that my body is making to it's new routine.
I grant you much strength in your quest for inner peace and again my warmest regards and thoughts are with you
bluedog
poster:bluedog
thread:33537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33639.html