Posted by Alara on December 19, 2002, at 1:54:33
In reply to Social Anxiety and Paranoia go hand in hand!! » Alara, posted by bluedog on December 18, 2002, at 7:03:57
> Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bluedog. When I got home and saw your post I was so relieved that I burst into tears! On the one hand I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time, but I am also so glad to meet somebody else who understands exactly what I'm going through.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you said could have come straight from my own mouth..You talked about sinking into a severe depression in a matter of two days...Well, on Friday I felt like a normal person...My mood was normal and it looked as though I could have a normal life. Five days into the job and I've sunk so far into a depression that I can't even comprehend what is going on around me!
I'm sure that my new colleagues must be stumped at my inability to understand the work processes that I have been shown. All my energy has been taken up with coping with the office noise and with the reactions and conversations of people around me! It is all so overwhelming that I have now gone into a kind of dissasociation/depersonalisation mode to protect myself. Once this starts to happen, the depression comes on very rapidly. My brain slows down and I probably start giving off my `psychiatric patient' aura...I wouldn't be surprised if they think I'm completely stupid and crazy..I am terrified that I am about to lose my job. When a process is explained to me, I go completely blank and can't comprehend or remember a thing..They are probably wondering what the hell is going on as I tested as highly intelligent in the aptitude tests - conducted in calm, quiet conditions after a good night's sleep! Quite frankly, I'm doing no better right now than a person with a mild intellectual disability. I am terrified that I am about to be fired. This afternoon I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer, completely unable to make any progress. If I had been taught in a quiet, private environment, I would have been flying!
It is becoming impossible to conceal my condition, so now people really are starting to feel uncomfortable with me...The friendly, confident girl who started her job on Friday is now a mentally ill person who isn't even comfortable with making eye contact anymore. How can you hide a condition like that? That's the worst thing about this kind of paranoia: It is impossible to hide it from other people, so then they really DO start talking about you, which fuels even worse feelings of paranoia. I was in the same situation in a previous job and was eventually pulled into an office with my manager to discuss my `paranoia', which, apparently, was concerning a lot of people. How embarrassing!
When I leave the office each afternoon, my head is full of the noise in the office; it feels as though it is about to explode. The Xanax calms me a little but now that the depression is kicking in, my life is a living hell, 24X7.
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> "You can also substitute the word dogs for cat in your above description." lol, Bluedog. What would we do without our animals? We don't have to worry about what they think of our appearance or social skills. They love us unconditionally. ==================================================================================================
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> "It's so bad that when my neighbours next door are having a party and I hear laughter or mirth I become CONVINCED that they are having some joke about that ugly loser neighbour of theirs (in other words ME!!!!). I lock myself indoors when this happens and will not go into my back yard when my neighbours are having a party for fear that they will see me and laugh at me. (It's really bizarre because my neighbours are actually very nice people but SOCIAL ANXIETY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL)...> When I walk out the front door of my house I'm certain that the neighbours are all laughing at me. When I leave a shop after having made a purchase I am convinced that the sales staff are having a good joke at my expense."
HEY, BLUEDOG, ARE YOU MY LONG LOST TWIN BY ANY CHANCE?? :-) I wasn't aware that there was anyone else in the world who was going through this sort of stuff - let alone anyone else in Australia!
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> "Don't believe for a minute that taking meds is selling your soul. THis is NOT true!!!!!"I can't help feeling this way about antidepressants at the moment. After I came off Effexor (an unplanned event), I was shocked to discover that I had been a totally different person for the whole time that I was on the drug. I lost my emotional core...After coming off Effexor I felt that I had reconnected with my soul. Even my mother remarked that she had `lost her daughter' for the four years that I was on the medication..I promised her that I'd try my best to stay healthy the natural way and have worked so hard during the last few months in order to achieve that..I am an only child and my parents (particlularly my father) can't accept anything being `wrong' with their 32 y-o daughter. I was so determined to avoid disappointing them, but I am also under an incredible amount of pressure to keep this job (because my father won't continue to give me handouts) and realise that I am going to need to make a decision either way. I already pay a big chunk of my salary just to rent a little flat in Sydney, so part-time work will not even come near to covering my expenses. The core hours for this job are from 8am to 5pm and I need to stay back when required..All this makes for a very long day and adds to the pressure.
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>" Like you I am on constantly on the verge of tears (not a real good look for an Aussie male) and I don't know if I'm going to cope with the next two days before the weekend. I am doomed to simply being too sensitive to exist normally in this world!!!">I am really sorry to hear this, Bluedog. It is hard enough for a woman to be seen crying at work. The pressure on you to stay in control as an Aussie male is incredible. ==================================================================================================
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>" NO, NO, NO you definiteley are not the only person in the world with this kind of paranoia. I am extremely paranoid and since my return to work am beginning to relapse into very severe depression again. What you have sounds all too familiar to a long term social phobia sufferer like myself!!
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> warm regards and my thoughts are with you
> bluedog"Thanks again, Bluedog. My warm regards and thoughts are with you too. :-)
Alara
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poster:Alara
thread:33537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33614.html