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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
There is talk of my brother being called up for active duty again, and this time I told my parents they couldn't count on me to do what he does for them. He still lives at home and helps out a bit around the house, mowing the lawn, etc. Both of them have physical limitations and my father is in a wheelchair.
When this came up last summer, I went back on a short lived trial of Effexor because I didn't know that I could handle being around my parents on a daily basis. Since then, my stress level has gone up and my ability to cope with my own daily life has gone down. I can't help them when I can barely keep myself afloat.
I feel badly about it. They did their best raising me, and always made sure I had what I needed. But I just can't do it. My father is even more angry now than he was when I was young. I can't spend 15 minutes with him without feeling suicidal or self injury urges, unless he's in one of his rare good moods.
I'm barely keeping up with my work, and my own house and yard could use some attention. I just can't take on more.
But I feel really bad about it. These people don't like outside help, even if I offer to pay for it. I don't think my mother has ever taken a taxi. She always calls me if the car breaks down or something. And they're both enormously difficult to deal with. I can't even imagine how much someone will charge to do the yardwork the way my mother insists it be done.
Sigh.
Sorry for venting. This may not even happen. It's all still at the rumor stage. But I've already told them I can't help, and telling them was the thing that is making me feel guilty. Geez, these people changed my diapers, and paid for my college education.
My husband tells me that the way I should pay them back is to be the best mom I can be to my son, and to do the things for him that they did for me. But I don't know....
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 10, 2002, at 22:41:24
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
Dinah, this is just my opinion, but I really don't think you have anything to feel bad about. You're doing what's best for you now. As you said, your own house work is almost too much for you and you're falling behind.You said that you don't feel good around your parents...
"I can't spend 15 minutes with him without feeling suicidal or self injury urges"
So you're obviously looking after your mental health, which is a good thing.
You've offered them an alternative...
"These people don't like outside help, even if I offer to pay for it."
So it's not like you've totally backed out on them.
Sure, they have limitations; they're old, your Father is in a wheelchair, etc. But they're not the only one with limitations now. You also have limitations in what you can or can't do. What will keep you stable, and what will push you over the edge.
If you can't come to a compromise with them, such as paying somebody else to do their yardwork and not having them be so fussy about it so that the hired help doesn't decide to quit every week, then there's not much else you can do.
Besides that, in my opinion, your husband is right.
Posted by Rach on December 10, 2002, at 23:08:24
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
Your husband is a very smart man, and not just for marrying Dinah!
One of my new mottos that I cling to whenever I feel like I'm being selfish is
'If I don't put myself first, nobody else will.'
I can guarantee that you will be of no further assistance to your parents if being around them causes you to become suicidal. How could you help anyone in that state?
Besides, we are all involved in personal, selfish battles. It is a fact of this disease that we need to think of our selves first. If we don't, we risk losing the battle, and thus losing our ability to function in the world. We need to choose the right situations to place ourselves in. We need to ensure that our own safety and comfort is met at all times. Of course, we need to push those boundaries to help our recovery, but, Dinah, placing yourself in a situation that brings up suicidal/self harm urges is ridiculous.
Your parents may be upset, and may not like outside help, but that is their problem. There are other ways you can help them (as you mentioned), like with money, interviewing people to work for them, and organising schedules. But don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. You've made the right decision.
Posted by Tabitha on December 11, 2002, at 0:52:19
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
Good for you, Dinah. I know it's difficult to say no to guilt-inducing obligations, but IMO you've absolutely made the right decision. Your parents will find another way to cope.
Posted by Robin David John on December 11, 2002, at 2:02:27
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
My heart goes out to you hon...im just waiting for the call that mom needs me .shit ..where has she been when i needed help...its not a hard decision when it comes to life and death ...what ever you do or say will always be respected here...I pray that things will be good for you in this difficult matter..love always
Robin
Posted by Medusa on December 11, 2002, at 4:07:03
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
I know this is hard. Taking care of yourself, that's the hardest task of all.
I admire your courage.
Posted by Dinah on December 11, 2002, at 8:35:06
In reply to go Dinah, posted by Medusa on December 11, 2002, at 4:07:03
It's not easy for me. I lived at home till I married, and did a lot of the housecleaning/yardwork since I was ten. Even after I married, I helped out as much as I could till my brother moved back home. Mind you, it was reciprocal and they helped me as well. There was never even a question in my mind last summer that I would help if my brother got called up, although I knew it would be difficult for me.
But my schedule changed this fall, and with just that change of schedule, my ability to cope was stretched too thin. My son's new school is only about 10 miles away, but involves an hour and a half of driving a day. Traffic. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep juggling things as it is.
I really don't have a choice about helping them directly. Doing so would mean abdicating my responsibilities to my own family, and that I can't do. And that decision is without taking my own psychological needs in mind. If I add that, it becomes even more impossible. I'd have to go on Luvox to able to tolerate my father's anger without self harm, which would further eat into my ability to get things done.
Thanks for validating my decision.
Dinah
Posted by WorryGirl on December 11, 2002, at 15:20:55
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
Dinah,
I hope your situation doesn't materialize, but don't feel guilty for admitting what you don't feel you are capable of. That took guts.
At least they now know that you aren't ready to take care of them the same way your brother has. If your parents end up having to depend on you, then you will have to somehow let them know what you are not capable of doing without hurting their feelings. Maybe you could present it as "Because I love you so much I don't want to have to give you anything that is less than 1st rate; that's why I'm hiring "such and such" to do "such and such". Just a thought. I know it's not easy.Our parents have done a lot for us, but there is a difference between an adult taking care of children and an adult taking care of adults. Adults have more opinions and are more set in their ways. You can't parent them the way you do with your own children; you have to respect them, too. God knows, it's hard. I wonder how I'm going to handle those kinds of situations when my parents become more dependent on me. Good luck.
Posted by Ginjoint on December 11, 2002, at 20:08:44
In reply to Well, I did it, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2002, at 20:33:04
Sweet Dinah, Smart Dinah....
God, I admire your guts. You know, our society makes such a THING out of family "ties." As if we're supposed to be bound to them no matter how unhealthy it may be, just because they're FAMILY, for God's sake! After having been the victim (or survivor, pick your favorite psychobabble) of a very toxic brother (as well as a few other darling relatives), I've learned that "family" is a relative term (pun intended). I believe we CAN choose our families.
Anyway, just because these people raised you and cared for you, well, that just means they were responsible enough to do what's expected when you bring another life into this world. It does NOT indebt you forever to them as they choose to make life miserable for you and everyone around them.
They don't like outside help? Well, that's the bed they're making, and they'll have to live with the consequences of their crabass behavior. All of us here on this board accept outside help in order to be better human beings for ourselves AND the rest of the world. No one should be exempt from that human responsibility, no matter how old they may be.
I'm glad you're looking out for yourself, Dinah. This isn't selfish behavior on your part, sweetie. Think of it as avoiding a huge pothole so you don't drop your transmission and can't go anywhere. :)
Your friend,
Ginjoint
Posted by namesake on December 11, 2002, at 22:23:46
In reply to Re: Well, I did it » Dinah, posted by Ginjoint on December 11, 2002, at 20:08:44
> Sweet Dinah, Smart Dinah....
>
> God, I admire your guts. You know, our society makes such a THING out of family "ties." As if we're supposed to be bound to them no matter how unhealthy it may be, just because they're FAMILY, for God's sake! After having been the victim (or survivor, pick your favorite psychobabble) of a very toxic brother (as well as a few other darling relatives), I've learned that "family" is a relative term (pun intended). I believe we CAN choose our families.
>
> Anyway, just because these people raised you and cared for you, well, that just means they were responsible enough to do what's expected when you bring another life into this world. It does NOT indebt you forever to them as they choose to make life miserable for you and everyone around them.
>
> They don't like outside help? Well, that's the bed they're making, and they'll have to live with the consequences of their crabass behavior. All of us here on this board accept outside help in order to be better human beings for ourselves AND the rest of the world. No one should be exempt from that human responsibility, no matter how old they may be.
>
> I'm glad you're looking out for yourself, Dinah. This isn't selfish behavior on your part, sweetie. Think of it as avoiding a huge pothole so you don't drop your transmission and can't go anywhere. :)
>
> Your friend,
> GinjointDear Ginjoint and Dinah and Goldfish and Eddie,etc,etc. I am so sorry to interupt this, but I am trying to understand how this entire Dr.Bob website works. I was looking forward to reading more posts on subject "Crush on Therapist". Am I being impatient, or is it boring, or is everyone doing Christmas stuff? Sorry, but I need to talk to someone and get an answer, because I am confused. Thank you for your reply.I am hopeful to understand.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2002, at 8:24:48
In reply to Re: Well, I did it » Dinah, posted by Ginjoint on December 11, 2002, at 20:08:44
I told my family and they are taking it quite well. Although the reason they are taking it well isn't too good. They think that my brother does nothing around the house and that if he leaves it won't be a big deal. I guess they'll have to learn the hard way. Sigh.
My poor brother.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2002, at 8:35:44
In reply to Re: Well, I did it, posted by namesake on December 11, 2002, at 22:23:46
Threads usually have a life cycle, I think. Someone posts a question, anyone who feels they have anything to contribute does so, there may be some discussion, then a thread kind of dies down.
If you have more you want to talk about, you could add a new post to the thread with the areas you don't think you have worked out yet. Or if you want to explore a different aspect of the problem you might start a new thread.
Your last post on the thread seemed to be a reflective one on the answers you received. If you want to talk more, why don't you add an additional post saying what you'd like to talk about. I know that for me, there is only so much I know about crushes on therapists (or anyone else really). I've never had a crush on my therapist. So I may have used up my thin store of wisdom (? :) ), on my first response. But I'll reread your last post and see if anything else comes to mind.
Best wishes,
Dinah
Posted by syringachalet on December 14, 2002, at 0:04:23
In reply to Re: Threads » namesake, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2002, at 8:35:44
Dinah,
You do not indicate that you live in the USA.
Here most every state has home care agencys that work through either Medicare or Medicaid to help people stay in their own homes as long as medically safe.
Some of the things these people do are assistance with bathing, cooking and shopping, taking the person to the doctor, and light house keeping/laundary.
Most are based on income and are sliding scale. As for the personal care part(bathing & dressing), Medicare can cover a lot of these costs with an active diagnosis from MD and a recommend for rehab(PT/OT) or teaching of self care.I have had experience with this and if you
are intersted, let me know...
Sounds like a tough situation to be in...syringachalet
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2002, at 3:47:22
In reply to Re: Threads, posted by syringachalet on December 14, 2002, at 0:04:23
I really do appreciate it. It's not really to that point yet, but I'll keep it in mind. And I'm still hoping my brother won't be called up, too. If he is, I think the biggest thing st this point will be the yard work, and occasionally transportation. So if necessary, I'll offer to help them with that financially, although I'm not sure that it's really a financial issue for them.
This is the end of the thread.
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