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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 2 to 26 of 42. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phil on October 20, 2000, at 21:14:10
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
> You start.
> >I may need a little time.
Posted by Snowie on October 20, 2000, at 21:33:25
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
This may sound silly, but I want to find out what's waiting for me around the corner. It gives me hope. I want to know the complete story of my life, and how it was really supposed to end.
Snowie
> You start.
Posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 22:28:56
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Snowie on October 20, 2000, at 21:33:25
testimony from others who were in your exact mental state who have "seen the light"
Seeing the light:
the glow of leaves changing color after rain
crisp air in the morning
thunderstorms
the immensity of the ocean
72 degrees in some old town in Mexico with bouganvilla and a beer con limon
a bath and candles and wine and maybe a cigarrette
not needing beer or wine or cigarrettes
snuggling with yer SO
feeling A-OK without an SO
well-being--relatedness, autonamy, (something else)
dogs--St. Bernards named Sophie especially
: )funny funny people
Space Ghost, Simpsons, Conan, Red Dwarf
neat little pretty things
doing things for old people and handicapped and homeless and everybody else
cut little kids
eating your mamas pizza
given a bad family life, developing extended family but knowing your not alone, even if that's this site
"crushing your enemies" my boyfriend adds ; )
Note: all these things i couldn't appreciate in a bad state of mind but now that i can i realize that i'm so happy those who cared, including some sleeping form of myself, didn't let me die.
Posted by Greg on October 20, 2000, at 22:58:43
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
Because I have three gloriously beautiful children that I want to see grow up into gloriously beautiful adults. One already has. I want to see them be the people, have the things and live the lives that I never can. To one day hold my first grandchild, to look into that perfect little face and know that I had part in that creation.
Because there are so many things I haven't seen, places I've never been. The perfect sunset. Italy in springtime. The changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. The Great Wall of China. Coffee at an outdoor cafe in Paris. A safari in Africa.
Because I now have more friends (all of you) than I ever thought possible. Because I've known the kind of unconditional love and support I get here. I'm not ready to give that up.
And because this is one battle I refuse to lose.
Greg
> You start.
Posted by Rzip on October 20, 2000, at 23:06:06
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
> The subject of this thread is "reasons to live". My answer is that I have an obligation to honor my spirit and my wish to live.
When I was in college almost two years ago, I had planned to commit suicide by OD. But the strangest phenomenon happened when I was heading back from the store, with the box of pills in my pocket. Back then, my place of residence and the convience store were aligned along the same side of a single street. The depressed part of me was planning to simply buy the pills, head straight back to my place and carry it out. However, that is not what I happened.
Instead, for some strange and "divine" reason, I went across the street after exiting the store, went through the park, and into the Admistration building to sought out my adviser and my dean.
This above narrative happened at a point in my life when I had no clues about mental illnesses nor that there is such a thing as professional help. I was just miserable and wanted to take the easy way out. So the reality that I actually sought help when I thought there were none proved to myself that I want to live.
Whenever I get depressed nowdays, and the dark contemplation start to envelope over my synapases again...I force myself to recall that historical life-changing moment when my spirit guided me to seek help.In my darkest hour, my spirit spoke to me and guided me to professionals. Looking back, I still feel so utterly amaze at the human mind. How can the same organism that drives me to take my own life, also guide me to seek help? Above and beyond all else, I put my trust in my autonomy. Deep down (when I am feeling CNPish), I fully trust my inert capabilities to think my way out of tough dilemmas. Thus, the process of coninual life energizes me to feel driven to take whatever means of opportunities to find my true being. I owe it to my spirit (my buddy) to continue to live knowing that I want to be alive. Ultimately, I want to be faithful to MYSELF. My faith therefore is my ultimate reason to live.
- Rzip
Posted by Jena Lyn on October 20, 2000, at 23:21:10
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
~a smile
autumn leaves piled high in the yard just waiting for you to jump in them ... come on, we are never too old to play in leaves ... just like you can never be to old to make a SNOW ANGEL!
the laughter and company of good friends
a good cry ... it cleanses the soul
dancing ... the exhilaration!!
walking on the beach ... something about the ocean has always mystified me
falling in love
a cozy fire, a mug of hot cocoa with extra whipped cream, and a good book at christmas
homeade chocolate chip cookies
fresh flowers ... it just makes me happy to have fresh flowers in my room, I smile when I look at them =)
candles ... they are my absolute most favorite thing
a hot bath
Christmas morning
talking to your best friend
long walks
a waterfall ... I could just sit and look at one all day long, I think they are so beautiful
the beach during a thunderstorm, I just sit there and watch the lighting over the water, its best at night ... it just draws me in
there are so many more ... life can be rough, but it can also be so good ... Im finally seeing that, and I hope you all find that for yourself too ...
SUNSHINE
Jena Lyn
> You start.
Posted by laural on October 21, 2000, at 8:59:01
In reply to Re: Reasons to live » Cass, posted by Rzip on October 20, 2000, at 23:06:06
Rzip!
I know exactly what you mean, i had a similar experience--
It must’ve been right after the bleeding stopped that somewhere in my brain a seed germinated, but it wasn’t for another two years that the idea came to fruition. The idea being that it is right to honor my body as a temple for life and creation. Lying in the bathtub that night, the water cooled to temperate and rusty with blood, all I could do after I found that I hadn’t hit the vein after all, was get out and towel off. I thought I was the ultimate loser, not even being able to kill myself properly and giving up, I crawled into bed, hoping to die somehow in my sleep. I don’t think I even cried. Out of the numbness of realization that I would live, I remember a scene. There was red in it and the linoleum floor was out of focus. Out of the material world came the spark. It was so subtle, like a whisper, like if I had inhaled wrongly I wouldn’t have caught it, but after that it smouldered, weak and dim. It connected me back to the living by a strand of spider web. It was an utterly physical sensation that slowly, over the subsequent months, I felt grow stronger. I cut my wrists again a year later but somehow my heart wasn’t in it. I think it was more for me to say "this has got to stop" than "I don’t want to exist anymore". Every time I get suicidal now I think back to that night I first felt the spark and an invisible hand made me put down the razor. And if I can’t reach the spark I make my own. I picture living in a house on the beach with my dog and someone I love very much. I try hard to find something to place value on. I will probably always live in pain but I know that I am supposed to live. One can attribute my pilot light to either the existance of god or simply survival instinct pulling through but whatever the reason I am supposed to be alive. It’s been two years since my first suicide attempt. I have overcome my cocaine addiction and am attempting to quit cigarrettes. I rarely drink and hardly ever get drunk anymore. I no longer feel strung out and the medication I am taking usually allows me peace of mind. Sometimes I just find myself going through the motions of life but every now and then I look around me and a pang hits me where my spark lives and tears fall and I feel like I’m being held the arms of something so forgiving and ancient. And so I live.
I love that rare feeling that life couldn't be more perfect, sure there are goals to be gotten, but you feel like you might have a chance at that. I realize now that i'll probably never be anything anyone would call *great* but i know i do have an impact on the world around me and i think that is enough, i don't think i'm settling for less, i hope not. laural
Posted by Christina on October 21, 2000, at 11:23:05
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
> You start.
looking at the adorable face of my little boy, and watching my beautiful daughter become a young woman
flashes of inspiration that make me think I am whole again
wathcing my husband play with our kids and listening to their unrestrained laughter
Finding my big warm furry dog asleep on my sons bed in the path of a ray of sunshine.... then kissing the top of her head.
crisp evening air that invigorates the soul
finding beauty in everday living
Posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 11:36:08
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
> You start.
Well, I counted 69 wild pure white whistling swans (as opposed to mute swans) Thursday on the bay near where I live on the great lakes. They are migrating from the Arctic tundra to Maryland and south as far as Texas. Watching them take off, and fly in formation is the most beautiful and graceful sight. Their wingspan is HUGE. It's hard to explain. Last year I counted 61 at one time. Since bad life-changing events of the last 3 years, I don't make big plans anymore -- I'm not sure I have any plans at all, really -- but I would like to count the swans when they come back next year.
Allison
Posted by Noa on October 21, 2000, at 15:01:39
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 11:36:08
Funny you should ask, because just yesterday, I had this thought about "things to be happy about or take pleasure in", and perhaps this isn't a reason to live, but it struck me as pretty amazing at the moment I was experiencing it, and no, it wasn't sex:
a good, crisp, juicy, just-sweet-enough, just-tart-enough, fresh, cool apple
Posted by Greg on October 21, 2000, at 16:29:04
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Noa on October 21, 2000, at 15:01:39
I received an e-mail from one of our former members here boBB, AKA Mr B4. He rebuted all of my reasons for living. I was wondering if anyone other than me received one as well?
If you read this boBB, I take no offense to your e-mail and it did not in any way change the way I feel. I see a tortured soul in you and it saddens me. I'm sorry for all the pain you've had to endure. While you don't share my beliefs or opinions, know that I will pray for you to find peace, and that you find your own reasons for living, whatever they may be, very soon.
Greg
Posted by Lexie on October 21, 2000, at 16:41:20
In reply to Re: A question for everyone on this post, posted by Greg on October 21, 2000, at 16:29:04
Thank you all. You will never know how much I needed this right now. Lexie
Posted by Cass on October 21, 2000, at 16:44:52
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Noa on October 21, 2000, at 15:01:39
The problem is this. So many of life's little pleasures are fleeting. What I need is God (not Religion). But there is so little evidence of God(God = Goodness) in this world. Yes, I feel a sense of spirituality within myself, but I want that sense to be the overriding presense in my life. Don't say pray. I don't believe in a personal God. The appeal of death is that it unites one with God. It's not so much wanting death as wanting God.
Posted by Rzip on October 21, 2000, at 17:34:32
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 21, 2000, at 16:44:52
Cass,
I believe that there is a spirit within me that has an overbearing force over my actions and thoughts. In the general public, this spirit is acknowledged as our autonomy. I hold the belief that deep down, every mature adult has the capacity to be autonomous individuals.
I think that everyone can get in touch with their true autonomous side, if one is willing to feel pain in order to face reality. So Noa, the spirit, the answers you are searching for are all within you.
On the flip side of that, I rarely listen and feel my spirit because it just takes too much out of me to face it. When I am feeling CPNish, I do try and grab onto that window of opportunity. However, half of the time, I am just struggling to climb out of depression and distress. In those times, I am really resistent toward my spiritual side. Most of the time, I live by my defense mechanisms (fantasies and such) to get me through my days. But, my spiritual side is also a part of me and it has a tendency to hammer me in one big rush. Sometimes when that happens, it gets me out of depression. Other times, it pushes me down a dark tunnel of guilt and despair. So you see Noa, it would be mean of me to tell you to get in touch with your spiritual side. Perhaps, knowing that your spirit is within you will give you the comfort that you have been searching for.
-Rzip
Posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 19:35:05
In reply to Re: A question for everyone on this post, posted by Greg on October 21, 2000, at 16:29:04
Greg,
No, I haven't. You must be one of the "lucky" ones...
;-)allison
Posted by Racer on October 21, 2000, at 20:36:06
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
> You start.
My big cat is about 23 pounds, very furry, and a great cuddler. He also purrs. In fact, he sometimes treats me as his kitten: when I get upset, he'll heave a big sigh, come over and cuddle up to me, then start the purrbox going until I'm asleep. If I wake up, he'll sigh again, as if I'm just too much trouble, and start purring again.
He's a reason to live. So there's my vote: fat furry critters who purr.
Posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 20:47:22
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 21, 2000, at 16:44:52
Cass,
Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. If so, you may box my ears.
I agree: Little pleasures are fleeting. I try to collect them and together -- when I take the time to really, really look at them -- they usually can outweigh the bad. Most of the time this means living in the present, which I find hard to do and something that I have to put my mind to to achieve and maintain. It's also something my doctor often suggests that I do, along with giving the good things more weight and the bad things less weight in my thoughts and life.
My disclaimer: That said, I'm feeling OK tonight. Tomorrow I might feel altogether differently. If I sound too chirpy, just ignore me. I understand how you feel.
When I am feeling well and even when I am not, I find that making "goodness" myself is the only way to have it with any regularity. The world is too big and too screwed up to expect "goodness" from it in any quantity, although sometimes I am surprised. But if I make it myself (there are myriad ways to do this if you put your mind to it) it always comes back to me -- in the most unexpected ways and often at times when it is most needed. I just have to keep my faculties about me, which can be very hard to do, especially when plagued with depression.
I make an effort to really observe those swans I was talking about. Many times I go by and see they're out there, like so many bobbing white fluffy pillows (albeit with very long necks). I'm too wrapped up in what happened at work, whether my job is in peril, what a hurtful jerk my dad is, what came in the mail, how much I miss my mom, how it might be nice to be in a relationship with someone but I don't trust anybody, or what a complete mess my house is. But then I make myself go outside specifically to look at the swans and then I try to count them. I remind myself how far they have come and how far they have to go and I marvel. But all of this is work. Some days, everything is work -- including counting swans. But sometimes I can turn it around and make goodness from it. If I'm lucky I'm not feeling so bad that I can't do it.
I wish for death when I am at the end of my rope. I have no hope in any state of mind, dead or alive, for a reunion with a larger goodness. Death simply is nothingness to me... I'm not going anywhere but in the ground or the sea, which sometimes has felt like an extraordinarily fine idea. But not right now.
Is there something in particular that has happened that is bothering you?
Take care.
Allison
Posted by Phil on October 21, 2000, at 22:57:05
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 20:47:22
Watching this World Series!!!
Posted by Racer on October 22, 2000, at 0:08:32
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Phil on October 21, 2000, at 22:57:05
The SF Giants are not playing, right?
And yet, somehow, you have a reason to live?
What a confused boy you must be...
(Not like I've got an opinion, right?)
And always remember:
PITCHERS GOTTA HIT!!!!!!!!!!
(National League all the way!)
Posted by pullmarine on October 22, 2000, at 0:15:59
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Phil on October 21, 2000, at 22:57:05
1. driving my shrink up the wall
2. shocking the hell out of puritans
3. feeding pork to muslims, jews and vegetarians.
4. exposing yourself in a school for the blind
5. shouting obsceneties in a school for the deaf
6. where there's pill there's a waybut now, on a more serious note,
1. Music.
2. people need me.
3. skiing
4. more music
5. people need me
6. still more music
7. the world needs psychos like me
8. if i die, there will be one less vote for the democrats.
9. spain.
10 france
11. french wine and smelly cheese
12. norwegian smoked salmon, sushi
13. music
14. people need me
15. if i die there will be one less vote for the democrats
16. puppies and kittens
17. rain drops on roses
18. brown paper packeges tied up with strings.
19 skiing.
20 driving my shring nuts.
21 giving support from u guys.
22. getting support from you guys.
23. if i die there will be one less vote for the democrats
24, sharing
25. warm milk and fresh cookies
26. champagne
27. practical jokes
28. pulling people's legs (specially my little nephew)
29. playng guitar on the treets of spain.
30 getting arrested for playing the guitar on the streets of spain.
31. giving presents.
32. learning new languages.
33. puppies and kittens.
34. music
35. meeting people.
36. discovering an unknown medieval city in europe while hitchhiking accros the old continent.
37. making love in the park
38. opium (always wanted to try it, and one day, I will.)
39. psycho babble
40. sticking flowers in my hairy chest and going for a walk.
41. wearing a skirt and combat boots and going for a walk.
42. walking aroung in a european country dressed like a soldier and playing with traffic.
43. getting drunk or stoned.
44. seducing young men.
45. being seduced
46. tiramissu
47. belgian chocolate.
48. writing songs, poems, stories.
49. making people laugh.
50 shaving my head.
51. swiming in the north sea on christmas eve.
52. almodocar
53. hal hartley
54. jean cocteau
55. barbar and serge gainsbourg and brassens
56 the beatles, the stones, the velvet.
57. satie, bach, vivaldi
58. billie holiday, chet baket, miles davis.
59. taking nude b/w pictures
60. printing pictures.
61. making real hot chocolate with real belgian chocolate.
62. eating a real dame blanche with a real italian expresso.
63. cafe con leche and tortilla de patatas
64. doing the pilgrimage to santiago de compostelle.
66. jj cale, bowie, edith piaf
67. playing chess or scrabble.
68. playing truth or dare or 'I have never___'
69. remembering good times.
70. getting laid
71. making love in a park
72. getting arrested for making love in a park
73. diving in a pile od dead leaves.
74. the smell of his/her cologne mixed with the smell of his/her sweat
75. shaving her legs
76. having her shave my face.
77. giving a massage after a J.
78. getting a massage after a j.
79. sitting by a fire
80 waking up alone miles from nowhere by a small river in the french drome.
81. meeting people on the streets of spain or the south of france.
82. being invited for thanksgiving.
83. getting phone calls.
84. giving phone calls.
85. getting intouch with long lost friends.
86. sexually harrassing your own cousin at a family wedding by pulling up her dress in public.
87. opening her bra while slow-dancing at the same wedding.
88. going to a demonstration for something you believe in.
89. dressing in drag.
90. racing downhill on a bike.
91. holding someone you love on a motorbike.
92. scooters in the winding roads of italy.
93. discovering new music, new sounds.
94. making passes
95. confusing people by making up weird stories.
96. acting strange on purpose
97. kissing che guevara
98. good tea
99. maurice ravel
100. driving my shrink up the wall
Posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 0:39:41
In reply to Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 20, 2000, at 20:24:09
You know. I just realized that Psycho-babble does give me one more concrete reason to live. You guys are in my thoughts constantly (which is good and bad). But, at least it is more appropriate to communicate through this service than... The first couple of days after I registered, I think I was desperate and obsessed with expressing myself and be accepted into this family. Now, I have calmed down a great deal.
To know that some of you regulars will always be there is a great comfort and support system for me.
Thanks,
Rzip
Posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 3:10:46
In reply to Re: 100 Reasons to live, posted by pullmarine on October 22, 2000, at 0:15:59
1. because i like the wway youre doing when yoiur doing when your doing whaat your doing
2. pj harvey pj harvey pj harvey
3. so that if you find yourself in space in the near future you can hum "major tom" under your breath and make everyone uncomfortable
4. because you need to figure out what 637 * 58 is
5. so you can live to see genetically engineered plants make us their slaves
6. so that you can overcome your irrational panick at seeing spiders--ew!
7. so that you can dance on the grave of everyone who ever looked at you cross-eyed
8. so that you can learn to juggle knives and kittens while riding a unicycle blindfolded after drinking drano in the desert surrounded by scorpions
9. chorizo
10. so that you can interrupt *deep* conversations about tabula rosa with "but what *is* tabula rosa--I mean *really*?"
11. so that you can dress up like the sex kitten you are and then give a "youre such a loser" look at the guy who comes up and starts grinding on you at the dance club
12. so you can spray paint a big orange X on all the cars in the strip club parking lot and watch the divorce rate go up after the 10:00 news
13. so that you can live to become a heroin addict and die of an overdose--i know thats not funny, but it was my goal at one point and i really do have to laugh
14.so that you can finally make that sculpure out of all the cigarrette butts youve been collecting out on the back porch
15. youve got to find out if those bruises you wake up with on your arms in the morning are the result of alien abduction
17. because you have to find out if the baby is really dereks--man those soaps go on forever!
18. because the afterlife might really suck--like washington DC (i've never been there : ) )
19. because those beets won't pickle themselves
20. because scrubbing potatos might be really fun, c'mon
21. because you might come back as yourself
22. so that you can find out what happened to #16
23. oh, i give up, i'm starting to sound like those forward emails--just one thing though--
PJ HARVEY--havn't heard all of her new album but have all her others and can testify
Posted by allisonm on October 22, 2000, at 8:05:30
In reply to Re: 100 Reasons to live, posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 3:10:46
101. pj harvey, pj harvey, pj harvey and John Parish
102. Radiohead
103. Neil Young
104. turning 39 next month and being able to hold an in-depth conversation on pj harvey with the 22-year-old intern in our office.
105. Listening to the new Radiohead CD ad nauseam at home, in the car, and at work and not having a husband around to bitch about it
106. The Meat Puppets and R.E.M.
107. Trent Reznor, Bob Mould, Brian Eno, Robert Fripp, Tom Waits, Gustav Mahler, Johannes Brahms, Frank Sinatra, Steve Reich, Benjamin Britten, Joseph Schwantner, Augusta Read Thomas, Courtney Love, Joni Mitchell, Dimitri Shostakovich, and Steve Earle
108. playing reyong in a Balinese gamelan ensemble
109. painting
110. flowers
111. my cats
Posted by Phil on October 22, 2000, at 9:08:08
In reply to Only one thing to say to you » Phil , posted by Racer on October 22, 2000, at 0:08:32
Racer, I'm not a big sports fan but I occasionally get caught up in the baseball playoffs.
Baseball, little league esp., was the best time of my life.
Racer, I just love your spunk; almost as much as I love to hear you talk horses.
Hell, there's a ton of reasons to live.
Phil
Posted by Greg on October 22, 2000, at 10:58:31
In reply to Re: Only one thing to say to you-Racer , posted by Phil on October 22, 2000, at 9:08:08
Phil,
After a 4 hour 51 minute contest fron boredom hell do you still feel the same? Should've been the Giants and my A's (and it will be next year). When our two teams get together we really "shake things up".
Have a peaceful day,
Greg> Racer, I'm not a big sports fan but I occasionally get caught up in the baseball playoffs.
> Baseball, little league esp., was the best time of my life.
> Racer, I just love your spunk; almost as much as I love to hear you talk horses.
> Hell, there's a ton of reasons to live.
> Phil
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