Posted by laural on October 21, 2000, at 8:59:01
In reply to Re: Reasons to live » Cass, posted by Rzip on October 20, 2000, at 23:06:06
Rzip!
I know exactly what you mean, i had a similar experience--
It must’ve been right after the bleeding stopped that somewhere in my brain a seed germinated, but it wasn’t for another two years that the idea came to fruition. The idea being that it is right to honor my body as a temple for life and creation. Lying in the bathtub that night, the water cooled to temperate and rusty with blood, all I could do after I found that I hadn’t hit the vein after all, was get out and towel off. I thought I was the ultimate loser, not even being able to kill myself properly and giving up, I crawled into bed, hoping to die somehow in my sleep. I don’t think I even cried. Out of the numbness of realization that I would live, I remember a scene. There was red in it and the linoleum floor was out of focus. Out of the material world came the spark. It was so subtle, like a whisper, like if I had inhaled wrongly I wouldn’t have caught it, but after that it smouldered, weak and dim. It connected me back to the living by a strand of spider web. It was an utterly physical sensation that slowly, over the subsequent months, I felt grow stronger. I cut my wrists again a year later but somehow my heart wasn’t in it. I think it was more for me to say "this has got to stop" than "I don’t want to exist anymore". Every time I get suicidal now I think back to that night I first felt the spark and an invisible hand made me put down the razor. And if I can’t reach the spark I make my own. I picture living in a house on the beach with my dog and someone I love very much. I try hard to find something to place value on. I will probably always live in pain but I know that I am supposed to live. One can attribute my pilot light to either the existance of god or simply survival instinct pulling through but whatever the reason I am supposed to be alive. It’s been two years since my first suicide attempt. I have overcome my cocaine addiction and am attempting to quit cigarrettes. I rarely drink and hardly ever get drunk anymore. I no longer feel strung out and the medication I am taking usually allows me peace of mind. Sometimes I just find myself going through the motions of life but every now and then I look around me and a pang hits me where my spark lives and tears fall and I feel like I’m being held the arms of something so forgiving and ancient. And so I live.
I love that rare feeling that life couldn't be more perfect, sure there are goals to be gotten, but you feel like you might have a chance at that. I realize now that i'll probably never be anything anyone would call *great* but i know i do have an impact on the world around me and i think that is enough, i don't think i'm settling for less, i hope not. laural
poster:laural
thread:1383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1395.html