Posted by allisonm on October 21, 2000, at 20:47:22
In reply to Re: Reasons to live, posted by Cass on October 21, 2000, at 16:44:52
Cass,
Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. If so, you may box my ears.
I agree: Little pleasures are fleeting. I try to collect them and together -- when I take the time to really, really look at them -- they usually can outweigh the bad. Most of the time this means living in the present, which I find hard to do and something that I have to put my mind to to achieve and maintain. It's also something my doctor often suggests that I do, along with giving the good things more weight and the bad things less weight in my thoughts and life.
My disclaimer: That said, I'm feeling OK tonight. Tomorrow I might feel altogether differently. If I sound too chirpy, just ignore me. I understand how you feel.
When I am feeling well and even when I am not, I find that making "goodness" myself is the only way to have it with any regularity. The world is too big and too screwed up to expect "goodness" from it in any quantity, although sometimes I am surprised. But if I make it myself (there are myriad ways to do this if you put your mind to it) it always comes back to me -- in the most unexpected ways and often at times when it is most needed. I just have to keep my faculties about me, which can be very hard to do, especially when plagued with depression.
I make an effort to really observe those swans I was talking about. Many times I go by and see they're out there, like so many bobbing white fluffy pillows (albeit with very long necks). I'm too wrapped up in what happened at work, whether my job is in peril, what a hurtful jerk my dad is, what came in the mail, how much I miss my mom, how it might be nice to be in a relationship with someone but I don't trust anybody, or what a complete mess my house is. But then I make myself go outside specifically to look at the swans and then I try to count them. I remind myself how far they have come and how far they have to go and I marvel. But all of this is work. Some days, everything is work -- including counting swans. But sometimes I can turn it around and make goodness from it. If I'm lucky I'm not feeling so bad that I can't do it.
I wish for death when I am at the end of my rope. I have no hope in any state of mind, dead or alive, for a reunion with a larger goodness. Death simply is nothingness to me... I'm not going anywhere but in the ground or the sea, which sometimes has felt like an extraordinarily fine idea. But not right now.
Is there something in particular that has happened that is bothering you?
Take care.
Allison
poster:allisonm
thread:1383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1420.html