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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2013, at 19:33:42
so i got a letter that she discharged me from the service - which is the best she could do since they don't really have a transfer option. so that was nice. she tried. i feel a little bad. i'll send her a nice letter / card. I think it was a miscommunication thing. she thought the strategy was going to be that i was going to wait for a semi-crisis before going to them. i guess that was something we talked about. but then i decided to go about things 'properly' (try and retain some self respect) and... see how far that got me. see whether they were going to make me be borderline...
called back in to the new place today. they saw me after not a lot of waiting. big f*ck*ng saga (again) about how they don't really do emails and how i don't really do phone. but i got an appointment time for before christmas. not entirely sure who with... but someone to see about longer term. no promises. i thanked them for not making things such that i needed to have a crisis to get to see them. they seemed to appreciate it, for whatever that is worth.
still unwinding from where i was...
visited a couple friends in wellington over the weekend. nice to visit back there. they made the weekend pleasant for me, which was nice. sometimes they make it very uncomfortable since they earn considerably more and tend to either forget (and want to do things i can't afford to do) or lord it over me (which makes me feel angry / resentful). lots of... nice, interesting people. i'm starting to feel friendlier and more relaxed. starting to unwind...
i...
don't really want to work on my thesis. i have been working on stuff for next year. i mean, really working. there is a bunch of stuff up... because i think a few people do what i'm doing... as in... decide they want to go for medicine a bit later in life and don't have the science or social science background. there are study guides up for the science subjects for people who want to get started over summer... and there are examples of essays for the social science pathway (easy for me - basically the heavily referenced paraphrased writing that is standard for science / social science).
i keep going back through chemistry... that seems to be the thing... read, reread, rereread... drawing structures... isomers... i think i'm about ready to rote learn the functional groups. cell biology, too. structure of dna... amino acids...
it is f*ck*ng cool.
but mostly... because i've had enough of my thesis.
sigh. it is due next friday. and conference starts on sunday. i... well, that means i need to apply for an extension. only... well... i'm tempted to ask if i can go on leave until next summer. so i can get properly started on this. i mean... i have several years of physics to catch up on too... and i haven't gotten started on anything requiring math as yet... and i want to see about volunteer work...
i...
i do want my phd. it seems important. without it... i guess the last 6 years of my life don't count for anything. with a phd from the institution i went to... people know i've interacted with heavyweights and can hold my own anywhere... without it... nothing. something i've learned since returning to nz is the danger of... nothing. and how many people with not much talk themselves up a great deal (which is not at all my thing). but it means that with my humility and no phd... i am likely to be kicked around like sh*t at the sh*tty place a was before...
i need to finish this. i...
i need help. i need somebody to help me please. i don't know where to ask for help. because i'm not actually enrolled here yet and the place i'm enrolled is all the way over there so i don't see what they can do. i'm scared :(
Posted by Twinleaf on December 2, 2013, at 22:24:29
In reply to done, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2013, at 19:33:42
It sounds as though pre-med studies, living quarters, friendships and the possibility of a therapist are all going pretty well, but that you can't get your thesis done. If that's the issue, what do you think might help you get enough motivation to do it? Is there anyone from the uni where you did the work who can e-mail with you so as to help you through any concerns you might have about particular aspects of the thesis? It would be so great to get a PhD, which you have earned, before you start on your new career ( whatever the course of study turns out to be). It seems like a friend/mentor in philosophy might help right now. I don't think anyone here has nearly enough knowledge to be helpful, although you never know!
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:20:56
In reply to Re: done » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on December 2, 2013, at 22:24:29
you know I wouldn't care so much if it hadn't been for my previous treatment in NZ (since returning). people seem... basically... to f*ck*ng stupid to assess things on their merits. and so... for those kinds of people... the qualification i might earn really is the only difference between me and someone who has been on welfare all their life but who is 'full of plans'.
even where i am at now... the supposedly 'elite' university of this country... i have all kinds of humility and insecurities about how well i'll do in science (including areas of excellence that they have). but with respect to the field i'm trained in... outclassed by several orders of magnitude (no joke).
in terms of finishing...
i have been accepted as a 'visiting student' here. but what they need to do to finish and what i need to do... it is different. i'm not sure that people here are in much of a position to advise me. though advise me most of them will happily... i need to... stick close to my supervisor. his opinion is: only opinion that matters.
it just involves me sending him stuff that is... wasting his time. because i'm ignorant of the field. it is related to stuff i'm going to learn... but i haven't learned it yet. but i... need to finish. yeah. because my motivation to continue with my current field is likely to... take a side-line. untill... i've finished my next phd. or something. lmfao. i really could be dr dr... dr ahahaha.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:24:52
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:20:56
or of course i could be nothing at all. if i don't finish. and i bomb at science (e.g., because of the math)
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:34:33
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:24:52
which makes my living circumstance before...
appropriate?
justified?
and makes any thought / talk of my being / deserving 'better than'...'
inappropriate?
unwarranted?
just a lot of hot air. just like them.
i visited my civil servant friends in the capital this weekend. working for government departments. one as a policy adviser. she was bitching about (though not directly to me admittedly) about how her $14,000 per year bonus had stopped (around $5,000 short of what I earn in a year). another as a 'independent consultent'. another as a person who is part of the team who gets to decide who gets government funded research grants - and is part of getting to check up on them. they are all earning like... 3x as much. 4x as much. 5x as much as me. for doing... well... work admittedly. but it often seems to involve half the stress...
they always make it sound easy. to get a job like theirs. like i am... giving up prematurely in thinking that i can't do it. that it didn't work for me. i...
i...
am ambivalent.
on the one hand... if someone offered me one of those jobs on one of those pay scales i don't think i would resist. on the other hand... i sort of do see it as a selling out. but then... i went to a party... and met a bunch of cool people. people who are part of the process for deciding who gets governemnt research grants. who work for WEKA (film industry nz e.g., lord of the rings etc). who work for government departments. who work for government agencies (e.g., as restoration on paintings - new arrivals for exhibitions and old stuff etc)... and i... still don't have a 'grown up job'. i'm ... thinking of starting over. and i barely have tidy jeans.... and i have no financial security at all and... grey hairs coming through... and i... still don't know why they consider me a 'cool friend' but i realize that position is tenuous and i... what the f*ck am i doing? and what am i up to? and i get very scared...
:(
Posted by Twinleaf on December 3, 2013, at 0:46:43
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:24:52
It would really be a great feeling to get that first PhD! I hope you find a way - sounds like you're close.
I think there's always a way. My son could never learn arithmetic, and barely got C's with much tutoring. But when he made it to calculus, he found it so easy and natural - he's just gotten his PhD in experimental physics ( and never has to do any arithmetic!). In medicine, you do the math to gain entrance, but, unless you do research, there's very little in the medical school curriculum. If you need to, you could maybe trade tutoring with something you are strong in.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 1:34:01
In reply to Re: done » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on December 3, 2013, at 0:46:43
I'm kinda close, yeah. I have a draft of the first 1/3 - which is no mean feat. I've come to learn... That it isn't at all about doing a *good* thesis. Given the people I've got to get it through... Scraping the bare bones is far more than most people ever manage...
But...
On the other hand...
I have this sense of 'intellectual honesty'. And, er, if they can give me another summer or two in order to make Things Better... I'd... Uh... Rather take things. But I'd rather take things then. And pay things back later. Because. Ur. I actually have a chance of contributing to a group that is best in the world in my current field. Only... As everybody says... I'm doing things backwards in going from them to do science rather than having done science and then found my way to them. So, ur, I feel like they need to let me go. Because, ur, I found my way to them to early to know what I'd found. If that makes sense. And I know I'll appreciate them one day... But for now... I need them to let me go. And I'll work my f*ck*ng *ss off at math and physics and chemistry. And, ur. I'm a f*ck*ng academic because I just f*ck*ng well am. But I need to learn... That stuff right now. And of course I will come back. Because that is the nature of philosophy. But that... Well... Given the nature of philosophy... My thesis isn't f*ck*ng well done as yet. For, ur, for obvious reasons. So, ur. Time out. Please.
But please. I have worked hard. I'm not like them. I'm not like them. Please oh please oh please don't make me live like them.
I hate peoplel. What did you do????????????????
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 17:52:46
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 1:34:01
apparently the problem is supervision. or lack of it. and i just kind of fell through the cracks. should have been made to hand over little bits frequently. instead of getting myself into this hole of going round and round in circles on things. eventually... developing an aversion to writing.
i have an aversion to writing now. i can spend all week getting something 'good' (ish). only to discover that the whole idea was misguided and into the trash heap it goes. i don't know how many times over i've written a thesis already. and into the trash heap it went. trying to write a thesis that... my supervisor would write. were he to think on it. without him basically. since i'm too demoralized? scared? reluctant? sad? to waste his time giving him anything very much.
i don't know what to say. its my own hole. i dug it. he was really good (really good feedback) on the last third. but this next third... much closer to his stuff. i just... cringe a little inside when i think of giving it to him. 'well done dear, you have managed to independently reinvent first year textbook biology'. what a boring waste of time.
i'd rather... stare out my window today. tears.
Posted by baseball55 on December 3, 2013, at 19:47:43
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 17:52:46
I don't know if this is helpful, Alex. It sounds like you are really down on yourself right now.
When I wrote my thesis, I worked for six hours, four days a week (I had a three year old then and couldn't afford much child care). Every session, my goal was to write 1200 words. First, I would go back and revise what I had written the previous day, then I would add 1200 words. Good, bad or ugly - I didn't stop until I had added 1200 new words. i did word counts all the time.
And that way, I got it done. I also had misgivings about my topic, my competence. But ultimately, a thesis is just a beginning. Your first effort at doing original research. The expectation is that you will keep doing it and keep getting better.
Which makes me wonder -- why do a thesis in philosophy when you have no plans to continue working in philosophy? Why not spend the time learning math?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 14:53:28
In reply to Re: done, posted by baseball55 on December 3, 2013, at 19:47:43
thanks for responding. it does help to know that it is hard... but that people get through it, yeah.
i didn't think it was affecting me, but i had a lot of nightmares last night. today is moving day. it is meant to be an upgrade... into a bigger room... cook top, finally. i just feel a lot of dread... there are certain things about this room that i like very much. the view. the new tv. the rack for stuff in the shower. the water pressure. i just keep dreaming that i hate the new room but everyone thinks i'm supposed to be happier for it.
dreaming about medicine, too. a couple years in. i keep dreaming that i hate it but everyone thinks i'm supposed to be happier for it.
this awful dis-ease.
i think it is mostly that this new room symbolizes a lot. when i first started in Aussie I was determined to think of my life there as being transitional and purposely didn't get lots of stuff. even little things... little things that would have made my life more pleasant. something nice for the walls... a rug, perhaps. stuff like that. even though my time here is shorter... i'm determined to think of it as my home. the little things. i got a nice rubbish bin. a clothes drying rack (just hung things about the place before). trying to reassure myself 'it's okay, alex. you are here now. it is safe now. it is okay'.
the weather these last couple days has been crap. that helps a lot. it isn't too pleasant in my current room when it is rainy outside. i don't sleep all that well in this room because of the road noise. when it is windy the wind fairly whistles into the building. i... i'm fairly over the view, now. it was nice to have it for the novelty before. now... i'm thinking i'll happily trade it for peace and quiet of looking out into an empty courtyard and someplace that is basically warm and cosy to hunker down for the winter. someplace where i can spend much of the day tending a pot of food... pottering away on study... someplace where i feel safely secluded away from it all. this current building will get much noisier... with the shared flats at each end. think it is only as quiet as it is currently in the hallways because it is half empty and currently full of internationals doing short summer courses in how to speak English...
> Which makes me wonder -- why do a thesis in philosophy when you have no plans to continue working in philosophy? Why not spend the time learning math?
Philosophy is perhaps a little bit different from most other fields. We don't have an industry. The idea of a PhD isn't really about getting a ticket to research / work in a university (with little other use). It is more... An induction. That is what you do to get to be a baby philosopher. It feels... A little indulgent that I get to start over again. Okay... A lot indulgent. I need a couple publications or a book for a post-doc now... And, ur... I don't know that I really want one. It is about... Okay, f*ck it... It is about induction into the university. Because in the beginning... There was philosophy. Well, actually, in the beginning there was religion. And then people started to question religion. Some of them. Started to ask *and why should I believe that*? And turning their attention to other things... The natural world. The nature of substance / the building blocks of the natural world. What lay beyond the natural world. Reason itself. Math. Then over time methods were worked out. Ways of inquiring. Ways of knowing. And when enough of that gets up of the ground you have... The birth of a field. And different fields get born / carved off from philosophy. Which is, ur, why chapter 1 of any textbook is the very best part. Because it says 'if we assume this and that and the next thing and then go about things like so then....' (and now we have the rest of the textbook) 'just look what we can do!'
I... Part of me always will be a philosopher. I suspect the more I stray from philosophy the more I'll come to see that that is there at base. Deep down. I know I'll be too busy wrote learning lists of stuff... Or even stuck figuring out conceptual stuff (still re-re-re-re-reading stuff on electron shells / about negative regions / about strength of bonds to benefit)... Too busy caught up in that kind of thing to think philosophically. But one day... I shall return. I know it. One day I'll have something to say.
Everyone says I'm going about things backwards. Do science first. Learn content. Then do philosophy. Learn methodology. Have something to think philosophically ABOUT. But, ur... I'd hazard a guess that scientific findings move faster than philosophical methodology. So, ur... Wouldn't it be better to go about things this way? I'll have the distinct advantage of not making standard first year philosophy student errors that plague many scientists (not naming names). Perhaps...
I think it is more about finishing what I started and also about doing what I owe. Because they gave me quite a lot of funding to do it. Also sending me off to this and that all around the world. I think that is important. Also... This will come up in my med school interview (and in life more generally). Why didn't I finish (if I didn't). I think it... Makes it look like I'm not capable of finishing the things I start. I mean I finished my degree... My independent research projects... My masters... My publication... But all of that pales into nothing without this.
The new room will give me a fresh start.
What is odd... If medicine does work out (and i'm in two minds about it, really) then I'm going to end up back in the town I grew up in. Because we have to spend one year outside Auckland city. Can go up north (ugh, small communities) to Manakau (over-crowded Maaori and Pacific Island communities -- still far too traumatized about that) or... To where I grew up. Which has the (only) benefit of having the largest hospital (largest population service coverage area) in... Australasia, apparently. Hur.
I don't know what to say. Apparently the cleaner has the key so I need to wait... Hopefully I can move early afternoon. Hopefully... I can make a stew today...
Which means... I'll write this evening.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 15:11:03
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 14:53:28
because living off junk food is making me ill. or maybe it is the toxins leeching out of the plastic i've been putting in the microwave :-/
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 15:40:51
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 15:11:03
I asked one of my friends here why she had decided that she doesn't want a career in philosophy.
she said it was because she was tired of feeling like a lazy slacker all the time. she said she spent much of her life feeling like that. feeling guilty that she wasn't producing more work. feeling guilty that she wasn't producing better work.
i think that is it, at the end of the day. why most PhD students (or sometimes people get this at Masters level, even) choose to opt out.
most of them go on to productive careers. highly valued in the civil service, for example. able to produce work of the required standard to deadline. no problems. constant promotions etc.
i am... tired of feeling guilty all the time. tired of feeling like a lazy slacker.
i think maybe your kids helped you. someone here (who is good moral support for me) said she probably wouldn't have finished if it wasn't for get getting pregnant. she realized it was now or never. sometimes things like that. put the deadline on you. so you just rise to the occasion and get it done. i am trying to work myself up to my study next year (starting March 3) being a deadline for me. now or never. need to get it done by then.
(this strategy is sort of working... my starting to study for next year, already is PROCRASTINATION. the things is... grades-wise... i don't actually have to do all that great for medicine. not compared to how well i have to do to do a research career in bio-medical science, for instance. i needn't stress so about the grades. it is just... procrastination).
because i'm so tired of feeling like a lazy slacker all the time. of working hard and getting nowhere. of... the hours spent on mindless little computer games because i simply can't face it...
i'm not half as incompetent as i feel most of the time. i hear. but... philosophy is not for me. that drive... that having something to say... or that thick-skinned thing that some people have where they either don't much notice that they don't or they don't much care... i don't seem able to muster that.
i thought i might do better with... something to *do*. petrie dishes to fill. instructions to follow. patients to see / get through. something... i don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2013, at 0:13:10
In reply to Re: the truth of it, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2013, at 15:40:51
i'll feel a lot better after conference next week. will start to realize that i do have something to say. something i can contribute. it motivated me a lot last year. i will use it to motivate me this year, too.
the room turned out to be... i panicked a little. texted a friend and he was like... 'move yourself back, then'. and so... i did.
i suppose it was a little bit bigger. not much, though. longer. narrower. the bed was too soft. it smelt... musty. but then this one smells a bit like boy urine, sometimes. so that is fixable... older. there was a wall at right angles to me. another side to my building. so... no privacy, really. i feel more private up here. so here... i think i'll stay.
i don't know about next year. see what the building manager says...
i'm okay. i have everything i need.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2013, at 20:00:13
In reply to Re: the truth of it, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2013, at 0:13:10
and my supervisor is notorious for being hands off and leaving people to fend for themselves. and sometimes they finish... if they have lots of internal motivation / focus. if they are able to muster up other supports (i see now that he is keen to fill up people's panels with more junior staff who theoretically have more time to spend / more patience with people just learning). and i kind of fell through...
only, i won't.
i'll get it done. i see... i could have finished last year if i'd have pushed a bit harder to. but that wasn't my aim. my aim was for a big f*ck*ng draft so i'd get further extension. and i surely did that.
and then... once i had the opportunity... i threw most of it away and began again. sort of. so the stuff... is kinda like the post-doc that wasn't. with respect to development, i mean. and... that is just the way things are right now. with the job market being the way that it is.
and in one way mine doesn't have to be as good (because i'm not asking him to write me further references / to further endorse me. which is just as well... because... he won't. but... i do need him to okay me to submit.
fortunately he is giving a talk on something related. with a junior colleague. and so... this is my ticket, really. pick up on aspects of that. dialogue with. hopefully get to send my stuff to the junior colleague.. good for everyone. socialized... i am not. hur. finish by march next year. i f*ck*ng well will.
This is the end of the thread.
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