Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:34:33
In reply to Re: done, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 0:24:52
which makes my living circumstance before...
appropriate?
justified?
and makes any thought / talk of my being / deserving 'better than'...'
inappropriate?
unwarranted?
just a lot of hot air. just like them.
i visited my civil servant friends in the capital this weekend. working for government departments. one as a policy adviser. she was bitching about (though not directly to me admittedly) about how her $14,000 per year bonus had stopped (around $5,000 short of what I earn in a year). another as a 'independent consultent'. another as a person who is part of the team who gets to decide who gets government funded research grants - and is part of getting to check up on them. they are all earning like... 3x as much. 4x as much. 5x as much as me. for doing... well... work admittedly. but it often seems to involve half the stress...
they always make it sound easy. to get a job like theirs. like i am... giving up prematurely in thinking that i can't do it. that it didn't work for me. i...
i...
am ambivalent.
on the one hand... if someone offered me one of those jobs on one of those pay scales i don't think i would resist. on the other hand... i sort of do see it as a selling out. but then... i went to a party... and met a bunch of cool people. people who are part of the process for deciding who gets governemnt research grants. who work for WEKA (film industry nz e.g., lord of the rings etc). who work for government departments. who work for government agencies (e.g., as restoration on paintings - new arrivals for exhibitions and old stuff etc)... and i... still don't have a 'grown up job'. i'm ... thinking of starting over. and i barely have tidy jeans.... and i have no financial security at all and... grey hairs coming through... and i... still don't know why they consider me a 'cool friend' but i realize that position is tenuous and i... what the f*ck am i doing? and what am i up to? and i get very scared...
:(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1055254
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130930/msgs/1055285.html