Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2013, at 19:33:42
so i got a letter that she discharged me from the service - which is the best she could do since they don't really have a transfer option. so that was nice. she tried. i feel a little bad. i'll send her a nice letter / card. I think it was a miscommunication thing. she thought the strategy was going to be that i was going to wait for a semi-crisis before going to them. i guess that was something we talked about. but then i decided to go about things 'properly' (try and retain some self respect) and... see how far that got me. see whether they were going to make me be borderline...
called back in to the new place today. they saw me after not a lot of waiting. big f*ck*ng saga (again) about how they don't really do emails and how i don't really do phone. but i got an appointment time for before christmas. not entirely sure who with... but someone to see about longer term. no promises. i thanked them for not making things such that i needed to have a crisis to get to see them. they seemed to appreciate it, for whatever that is worth.
still unwinding from where i was...
visited a couple friends in wellington over the weekend. nice to visit back there. they made the weekend pleasant for me, which was nice. sometimes they make it very uncomfortable since they earn considerably more and tend to either forget (and want to do things i can't afford to do) or lord it over me (which makes me feel angry / resentful). lots of... nice, interesting people. i'm starting to feel friendlier and more relaxed. starting to unwind...
i...
don't really want to work on my thesis. i have been working on stuff for next year. i mean, really working. there is a bunch of stuff up... because i think a few people do what i'm doing... as in... decide they want to go for medicine a bit later in life and don't have the science or social science background. there are study guides up for the science subjects for people who want to get started over summer... and there are examples of essays for the social science pathway (easy for me - basically the heavily referenced paraphrased writing that is standard for science / social science).
i keep going back through chemistry... that seems to be the thing... read, reread, rereread... drawing structures... isomers... i think i'm about ready to rote learn the functional groups. cell biology, too. structure of dna... amino acids...
it is f*ck*ng cool.
but mostly... because i've had enough of my thesis.
sigh. it is due next friday. and conference starts on sunday. i... well, that means i need to apply for an extension. only... well... i'm tempted to ask if i can go on leave until next summer. so i can get properly started on this. i mean... i have several years of physics to catch up on too... and i haven't gotten started on anything requiring math as yet... and i want to see about volunteer work...
i...
i do want my phd. it seems important. without it... i guess the last 6 years of my life don't count for anything. with a phd from the institution i went to... people know i've interacted with heavyweights and can hold my own anywhere... without it... nothing. something i've learned since returning to nz is the danger of... nothing. and how many people with not much talk themselves up a great deal (which is not at all my thing). but it means that with my humility and no phd... i am likely to be kicked around like sh*t at the sh*tty place a was before...
i need to finish this. i...
i need help. i need somebody to help me please. i don't know where to ask for help. because i'm not actually enrolled here yet and the place i'm enrolled is all the way over there so i don't see what they can do. i'm scared :(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1055254
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130930/msgs/1055254.html