![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 27. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:45:18
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:34:00
and so that is me, really.
three hours a day of focused writing.
that is what careers are based on.
apparently.
that is what i've been told now by a number of academics...
and they have (from my perspective) incredibly successful careers, so i guess they'd know.
(of course there is more to it than that. there is the making progress on it rather than going round in circles on it. there is the timing of knowing when to keep working on it vs sending it off. there is the nous in figuring out where to send it. there is (probably) other stuff to be doing, too. reading. figuring out what to write about next. teaching etc. before you know it philosophy consumes you... that is what academic is, really... a snowball in your life... but really... is it such a bad life? the answer to that is: no. it is not a bad life.
so
uh
why does it feel like such a bad life sometimes? like i can't possibly bear to participate in it?)
i think it might be self doubt
i don't deserve it
i'm not good enough
there isn't anything to distinguish me from the puppies
there shouldn't be anything to distinguish me from the puppies
i can't do itbut then reading what other stuff gets published...
and i KNOW that i can.
it is just doing it is all.
i think it is about reminding myself daily:
what is my other option?
not fitting in with the puppies, that is what.
a life of distraction... computer games...
posts like this (perhaps)
getting nowhere fast?
i don't know...i miss my therapist.
he was always trying to help me be productive
and i was being belligerent, i think...
hmm.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:51:06
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:34:00
and now bob should really come and block me for 4 posts in a row.
test.
ahem.
TESTING!!!
take care y'all
Posted by annierose on January 1, 2013, at 21:51:49
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:51:06
I remember you Alexander K. Hope you are doing okay. I think it's been a few years since you posted. Seems like so much has changed, and then again, so much stays the same. Are you still studying in school? I think I remember you were living in one country but from another ... something like that. Glad you checked in and nice seeing names from the past.
Posted by tetrix on January 4, 2013, at 1:19:55
In reply to test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:18:08
What a nice post.
Made me smile in an understanding way.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 9, 2013, at 15:26:53
In reply to Re: test, posted by annierose on January 1, 2013, at 21:51:49
> I remember you Alexander K. Hope you are doing okay. I think it's been a few years since you posted. Seems like so much has changed, and then again, so much stays the same. Are you still studying in school? I think I remember you were living in one country but from another ... something like that. Glad you checked in and nice seeing names from the past.
thank you annierose. i remember you, too. i am doing okay, i hope you are well. i've nearly got spit out the other end of being a student which is why i'm trying to find a new area to study. oh yes indeed so much stays the same :-)
my life feels a whole lot less painful than it used to. for which i am grateful. if i spend a lot of time by myself and i limit contact with others (aka accept my introversion) then things go best for me. the gym has helped me immensely, i think. a reliable outlet for nervous energy that could escalate into something more sinister otherwise. a regular shot of endorphin.
yours is one of those deeply familiar names to me... one who preceded me. like maxime. names that made me feel like i'd come home when i visited the site. though i associate yours with this board, and maxime with meds...
> What a nice post.
> Made me smile in an understanding way.
thanks tetrix. your name is familiar to me too. but from a bit later, i think? i hope things are well for you.
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2013, at 2:03:53
In reply to test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:18:08
You passed!
It's good to see your name. I miss you often.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 14, 2013, at 22:04:11
In reply to test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:18:08
Good to see you here.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:07:41
In reply to Re: test » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2013, at 2:03:53
> You passed!
>
> It's good to see your name. I miss you often.Thank you. It means a lot to me that you said that. I miss you often, too.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:09:32
In reply to Hi alex » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on January 14, 2013, at 22:04:11
and good to see YOU here. from memory... you were the first person i saw here, actually. you were a huge part of the reason why i joined...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:31:12
In reply to Re: Hi alex, posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:09:32
here i am
i am afraid
i am not very good at math
i tell myself
honestly, i think
descriptively, i think
prescriptively, i fear
i am not very good at mathi enlisted the help of somebody, once
a professor of psychology
a dean of arts and social sciences
a former teacher of high school mathematics
who believed it would be trivial to tutor me for GRE math
who tutored me for GRE math
who took several weeks to learn of the difficulty i was having
to memorize my three times table
who played heroes of might and magic with me
until i broached with him the observation that i wasn't really progressing towards GRE math
and he concurred
that i probably would not be capable of having a competitive score in GRE math within three months
and i realized...
what i'd suspected all along...
that i was borderline retarded (or at least not GRE competitive) in mathematics.
and there it was.but i picked up psychology, okay.
with it's 'you need an A- average in the stats component to pass the course' criterion.
i mean, i worked hard whereas other students found it easy...
and i understand that statistics for psychology is to mathematicians
as health ethics is to ethicists
or as critical thinking is to logicians
but, still...maybe i have an ability in math.
insofar as advanced mathematics is more about concepts than it is about arithmetic.
i know i struggle with arighmetic. with errors of transcription... of transposition...
though i can get it right if i can count of my fingers or check my answers three times...
if i don't need to calculate many such things for an answer arrived at in under 30 seconds
(for GRE math)
then i'm okay at math.
sorta somewhat
maybe.i've applied for two programs (actually many besides, but it comes down to a choice of two:)
physiotherapy (fingers crossed)
but also...
i've applied to do a bachelors of science degree.
at a good institution.
with the possibility of transfering into biomedical science
(I could work on cancer research or neurophysiology)
or even medicine
but it requires first year chemistry and physics
(as it should)
and...well...
i'm scared.
i remember what it was like my first year at university.
even if you are the best at your high school what makes you think you will pass at university? do you know how many people in your class right now were the best at their university? do you think they are all going to pass this course? do you think they are all going to be the best here?
and i feel a little bit ill...
science is different from arts and social science.
i'm used to minimal structure. minimal prerequisites.
in a way: i'm happy. I worked my god damned *ss off to do well in my courses and it angered me a great deal that other students who didn't work very hard at all were granted entry into higher level courses.
in a way: i'm scared. what if i work my god damned *ss off and i don't do well in my courses. what if i can't pass them because i don't understand the math / can't do the calculations. what if i can't pass them.
physiotherapy... looking at an intake of more than 120...
i remember psychology used to be like this. lecture theatre only seated 200 students. so they ran two streams: 10-2 T, T. also 5-7 T, T. around 120 students per stream. this is going to be like that. (so worst case i can attend a repeat sssssssh don't you dare tell anyone i plan on gatecrashing)
i know
in my heart
i'll do okay because i know to ask for help (to attend office hours) where most will not
i'll do okay because i know to work hard (to put in the time trying) where most will notand so on.
but for now: i'm scared.
because i'm starting all over again. like i proved myself before i need to prove myself again. and such things take time. i won't be number one for any such thing... but my name repeatedly coming up in the A+ bracket... eventually... that's how you get noticed as a consistently reliably high achieving student.
god dammit.
dr dr i will be.
because... the joke that turned out not to be.
which is precisely what i amthat was meant to be
was me
and there it is.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 18, 2013, at 9:38:50
In reply to Re: Hi alex, posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:09:32
> and good to see YOU here. from memory... you were the first person i saw here, actually. you were a huge part of the reason why i joined...
Wow, thanks. That's an unexpected smile for me today. :)
Posted by gardenergirl on January 18, 2013, at 9:41:46
In reply to Re: Hi alex, posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2013, at 5:31:12
Scared, but with a plan to cope. That sounds darned healthy and a recipe for success. I'm cheering for you from miles away in distance if not thought.
gg
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 29, 2013, at 22:45:44
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:51:06
> and now bob should really come and block me for 4 posts in a row.
Your math is fine. :-)
> test.
>
> ahem.
>
> TESTING!!!Sorry, I was dozing. Please share this site with others by not starting more than 3 consecutive threads on the same board or posting more than 3 consecutive follow-ups in the same thread. More than that may discourage less confident posters from joining in.
Miss you, too, sometimes,
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on April 9, 2013, at 2:09:41
In reply to Re: tested, posted by Dr. Bob on January 29, 2013, at 22:45:44
:-)
thank you
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:25:28
In reply to Re: tested, posted by alexandra_k on April 9, 2013, at 2:09:41
testing p-word
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:33:47
In reply to Re: tested, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:25:28
i really am an introvert.
extroverts will say they understand
mostly because language serves an affiliative function for them,
more than a literal truth-tracking one
(which is why they are so hopeless at non face-to-face correspondance)i can tell people that in terms of a flat...
i'm looking for a place where people have their own life
to be getting on with
so i can do my own thing
and of course people say they understand
but they inevitably rely on me for social contact
and in time...
it wears me out.i can be good at social contact.
like how grandparents can be good at babysitting.when you only have to do it for a couple hours
and you are refreshed and prepared when you start
it is easy to pay attention to respond rather than react to be on form
it is the constant demands that impinge on your own needs that drag you down in time, though
that is what makes it hard.i'd like to help people. for reals.
i believe i could be good at it too
if i limit the contact time.one of the best things about uni: 50 minute block classes.
50 minutes on. then 3 hours to decompress. that's about me.and now i'm finding i'm expected to meander around for 2 hours...
not really expected to pay totally much focused attention
just kind of enjoying the hanging out as wellonly i'm not and i don't
because its not me.
i'm a philosopher for reals.
you don't know who / what you are until you try something else...
you assume everyone is just like you till it really hits you in the face they are not.i need to get out of here.
people are incapable of leaving me alone.
and if i'm not mostly alone i can't function.i see now why it was the academic board for medical admissions that didn't like me. at least htey had the good grace to decline me for the obvious poorness of fit.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:43:06
In reply to introversion..., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:33:47
an ideal life for me...
would be to have my own apartment. something fairly soundproofed. you need to have visited australasia to get that one... experienced the sh*tty construction. the point being that i don't want to hear when my neighbours take a dump or talk to their cat and i want to be able to talk to myself and not feel like other people are listening.
my very own space. so i can do my thing. a nice work space. i see a plant. i've learned that i'm very fond of green. i find green living things to be relaxing. i could potentially have a little patch of native bush / forest out my window and the odd birdcall insofar as i can't hear people noises at all. not-voice people noises i am more tolerant of. but i don't want to hear anybody speaking in words. not at all.
sunlight is important though i guess i can make do with lighting... warmth is important. again, you need to have visited australasia in the winter to understand...
i'd like a few cafes in the vicinity. so i'm thinking city, yeah. i would like to be able to put myself somewhere where there are busy people... and where there are enough of them so that i'm not salient. so that people just get on with doing their own thing and don't pay any particular attention to me. i need few cafes because the inevitable will happen... someone will try and talk to me / get to know me. which will ruin the situation for me (since i'm trying to write) so i need to find someplace else.
why is it that most people are incapable of backing off? why is it that if i resolutely look away when i see people looking at me they don't take the message that i don't want to talk to them? why do they have to shuffle closer. make noise and movement to try and get my attention. can't they see that it irritates me. that it actually hurts?
and the crazy thing... is that as soon as someone responsively backs off...
my mood lifts.
it transforms the world.
you wouldn't believe how rare that is...
how much it hurts.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:57:27
In reply to an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:43:06
i think it is a herd thing.
some people panic at the thought that they will be separated from the herd and a predator will pick them off. they can only relax when they are part of a group because they figure if there is danger then the herd will alert them and they can just kind of blend and they will be okay. safety in numbers.i think the biggest threat comes from other people. other people are likely to stamp on me in an irrational panic or noisily blunder into the sights of predators alerting them to all of our presence.
when people see me alone they somehow get confused and think they are me and they are alone and they panic and they are simply incapable of letting me alone. they need to capture my attention. it starts politely enough. a cough. a smallish wave. when i respond by blocking them (avert eyes, pull up hood, turn up personal stereo, angle computer screen so i can't see them, turn away) they escalate. why is that? it is like they start to panic. they need to get my attention. it is a deep psychological need for them. the insistance... why? why can't they just go find OTHER people who are responsive to them? why do they need to persist in annoying me when I'm sending out signals as obvious as can be that I'M NOT INTERESTED - LEAVE ME ALONE.
you see, they can find OTHER people and most of those people are stoked to see them but i can't find other places to be alone. no matter where i put myself some individual will find me and annoy me.
why?
genuinely... why? i don't understand.
i'm getting to the point... where i feel like injuring them. it is like 'what do i have to do to get you to leave me alone'? maybe a sharp sudden pain will result in their developing an aversion. i feel rage. why can't people back off?
i mean, really, what are they thinking? they must be able to tell that i'm getting annoyed. in fact... mostly they seem to find it amusing. other people watch... then they tag team to try and annoy me.
i'm serious.
i'm not imaginging it. that happens.
is this what leads some people to get a f*ck*ng gun?
(i'm not actually going to hurt anybody. or if i do i assure you it will be more along the lines of an ineffectual flailing of limbs.)
i don't understand.
i don't like most people. very much. at all.
Posted by Twinleaf on April 28, 2013, at 21:47:23
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:57:27
I respect that your strongest need is for solitude -at least, as you are feeling now. I do remember that you had a meaningful relationship with a therapist a while ago, and, I am not sure, but I think with someone you were dating. Do you think finding another therapist would help bring a bit more balance between the need for time alone and some need for having loving other people as a part of your life?
I'm responding to the painfully lonely part of your thread, but I may well be completely off here.
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2013, at 20:12:16
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2013, at 3:57:27
I understand. There are times when, as an introvert, I just want to be left alone to recharge. How about earphones? Noise cancelling earphones even? I sometimes use them to shut the world out. Too much really. I'm probably enormously impolite.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 23, 2013, at 16:47:49
In reply to Re: an ideal life... » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2013, at 20:12:16
i think...
i'm too old and set in my ways to change now.
ahahaha.
i'm going to be 35 soon.
i... value my independence a great deal.
i like people okay, but hell is indeed other people at breakfast.
i think people should diffuse into environments rather than clumping.actually...
i do feel differently about some people.
but *some* people is right...
not many.
not many at all.since moving back to nz...
things have felt very different for me.partly it is about my not being so associated with graduates at a good uni.
it is hard for me to know just how much it is about this.
i think mostly. mostly it is that.
but that is everything.
i mean... basically everyone... basically everyone i associated with was a graduate or a former graduate.
other people...
are very different.
i... uh... don't have much of a desire to spend a great deal of time with them.
i just... don't.
too much like hard work.
may as well speak another language.
i guess i do speak another language, really.and partly... maybe partly it is cultural, too.
i just don't see...
how communal everything is conducive to literacy or higher learning.
i just don't see...
how group work everything is conducive to creativity or innovation.meh.
i think it really does come back to where one thinks the worst of the danger is.
in solitude or in the herd.i look after me better than most other people i know.
most other people who screw me over (mess up my plans) because they don't even credit me as having plans
i've learned the hard way (over and over and over) to not trust most others with my welfare.honestly...
that is why medicine is so important to me.because without your health.... one really has nothing.
and i don't trust another bastard to look after mine...
and along the way...
i expect i'll learn Quite A Few things which will be of use to others...
and most others won't give a rats *ss (i hear doctors get in trouble for stating the freaking obvious sometimes)...
and i expect there are trade-offs...
but it would be nice to help people who are genuine in looking for it.
and even those who aren't.
my dad smoked himself to death and, well,
i respect that.
i mean i quit because i chose life...
but it was a freaking close call.
and i chose death (but found it to be elusive) for a good 15 years or so...
so... really... who's to judge
(i actually condemn his not just coming out and saying he chose death more than i condemn his choosing death)i think i get choosing death.
at least one has some kind of control.
unlike putting oneself in the hands of other bastards.
most of whom are too stupid to f*ck*ng google the answer appropriately...
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2013, at 0:56:17
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on June 23, 2013, at 16:47:49
> i do feel differently about some people.
> but *some* people is right...
> not many.
> not many at all.
>
> i've learned the hard way (over and over and over) to not trust most others with my welfare.
>
> without your health.... one really has nothing.
> and i don't trust another bastard to look after mine...
>
> i think i get choosing death.
> at least one has some kind of control.
> unlike putting oneself in the hands of other bastards.
> most of whom are too stupid to f*ck*ng google the answer appropriately...How do you feel about the people here?
I understand the appeal of self-reliance. Anybody else?
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2013, at 19:40:46
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2013, at 0:56:17
> How do you feel about the people here?
I think that the time / place a-synchronicity helps me feel connected to others in positive ways. I suppose because distance is already built in.
Unless we particularly learn otherwise I guess it is reasonable to assume that others are fairly much like oneself. I've come to realize that not everyone is a verbal communicator, like me, however.
In sport I met a lot of people who seemed incapable of listening / hearing / understanding / remembering / acting in accordance with a verbal message. Emails confused them. But they were able to successfully produce highly coordinated and organized group behavior on the playing field... Very quickly. With a new bunch of players... With a new game... communicating through gaze direction and nods and eyebrow raises. And f*ck*ng clicks for all I know.
I've met people in health who seem to do nothing aside from actively seek contact with each and every person, and emotionally resonate with all of them. I mean the actual words are besides the point. I learned. After much confusion when I'd been interacting with such people for concrete advise as to things like course selection... These people all know (osmosis?) when I get up in the morning, when I'm making my breakfast. They pretty much all know everything I do all the time... And... Of all the people in the world... They are pretty f*ck*ng good at steering clear of me until I've finished my breakfast. And then their initial interaction is sheepish and I feel bad for them that I'm such a f*ck*ng monster which makes me feel well disposed... Then we have a mutual smile and everyone can go about their day.
Which sort of works, actually.
I'm not entirely sure how such skills should be credited academically. I sort of think that such skills shouldn't be any more than my verbal skills should be credited for real time interaction on the sports field (for example) where they are entirely f*ck*ng useless.
But anyway...
People on these boards are verbal. Because it is a verbal mode of communication.
I am most used to people who are verbal. I feel... Effective in such an environment. I feel... Retarded around people who are differently social. Like an alien freak.
The social people are helping me somewhat. But it is hard for me.
I guess... It is good for me.
I've moved in with the Maaori's, you see. After my experience with Maaori foster carers from 14-16 (just before I was allowed to live independently) I've moved into accommodation which initially looked like student accommodation but now over time I am coming to see is more of a Marae with a few more walls about the place.
It is a sort of super-social environment. Poverty. But nobody drinks here (against the rules) and it is mostly people who are studying (at tech or a Wananga) and typically things like -- communication, counselling, film and tv / music, and of course sports sports sports sports sports.
They... Do look after me. By leaving me be. Ahaha.
Anyway... Communication skills. This is sort of about that, I guess. And... It is important to me. Once my thesis is done (particularly) it is important for the kind of life I want to lead who I want to be... The kind of well rounded I would like to embrace... The potential to genuinely help people... (To genuinely be helped by people). For it to be mutual in some way... Reciprocity is hard (for everyone, I'm learning - which helps me a great deal).
(There are indeed genuine issues around how you balance / integrate independence / dependence. team work, individual work. interpersonal communication, intrapersonal communication. everybody has the same, some people are deserving of / have earned more. sameness, difference.)
Here... It is the opposite of keeping up appearances. The kiwi way. Perhaps not so much anymore (but a little). Even more so with the Maaori aspect. The idea is that true worth is hidden away a bit. How come? Well, because you appreciate the value of it which is why you take care to protect it. So... Some of these people living in almost squalor (and genuine squalor in some instances) are actually fairly wealthy (in the cash flow in the old bank account) sense... It is that... Different things are important / valued. ANd mostly.. Everybody (appears to) have the same. WHich is about... Nothing. It is hard to explain... Sometimes I see a sense. A logic which isn't exactly logical ahaha. Othertimes. I don't see a sense. And it strikes me as... Tall poppy syndrome. Fear of acknowledging ones strengths / developing ones strengths / taking appropriate pride in ones accomplishments.
Hmm.
And now I think some more on the way of life... And people travel around a bit... Different communities (Maraes) set up round different parts of the country. And one might have a private house (or 2 or 3) by the beach or a lake or the woods or whatever for when one does want some solitude (or one might rock up and find so and so's second cousins unkle and his 14 kids sprawled about the place). It makes for an interesting life. With a lot of diversity. In a way.
Humility.
Pride.
There is a lot of both. I think... I like their blend, actually. Or more... It is me. I've incorporated it. And... I read something the other day about how Maaori are 'culturally advantaged'. And... I think... I think... I have a tendency to agree. That they should see it that way. And... I'm not genetically Maaori... But that doesn't seem to matter to them. Which is the way it has always been. ANd one can say 'they should have bloody learned'. But on the other hand... The treaty and all... Getting back the land (more Marae's about the country in beautiful parts of it). Can't all be bad...
It is important for me to broaden out and do things that are uncomfortable for me... But it is also important for me to spend time with people who are more like me. To help me feel that I am okay, I guess. It is funny, isn't it.. that need to be like others. To feel accepted by others (on some level).
I guess that is what makes us human.
I should probably stay here.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2013, at 19:41:29
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2013, at 19:40:46
instead of moving into a hall of residence, i mean. in the flashy part of the city.
i should probably stay here.
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 28, 2013, at 0:27:46
In reply to Re: an ideal life..., posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2013, at 19:41:29
> instead of moving into a hall of residence, i mean. in the flashy part of the city.
>
> i should probably stay here.Of course I thought you meant here here. :-)
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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