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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:33:02
I just poured my heart out and it didn't post.
I lost my post.
I feel fat. I have gained weight. Food is all I think about, as it is the only way to get through the day now.
I miss my therapist. He is gone on vacation. Probably to France or Europe or NYC or God knows where. But I am jealous and hurt. I feel so empty. I won't have a vacation this year. I need one so badly, and am so exhausted.
He won't be back until over a week. This is really tough.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:36:26
In reply to Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:33:02
:'(
I just want to lay down in bed and never move again.
Dear God,
How can it hurt this badly?
Will you never have mercy?
Where the f*ck did you go?Please, please, I beg you please, have mercy and help me.
Posted by sigismund on July 11, 2011, at 15:17:33
In reply to Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:33:02
I had been in 5 days a week therapy for a few years and my T went away for 9 months, which wasn't good.
It was like being sent away to boarding school again, without being allowed to go home for the holidays.
Nothing could have helped, and nothing did.I suppose it almost killed me.
Posted by Anemone on July 11, 2011, at 19:04:14
In reply to Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:33:02
Hi Annabelle,
I can feel the pain the comes through your post. Not seeing your therapist for such a long time and using food to get through the day... such a painful combination. It can be so hard to feel tired, jealous and hurt and not have your T here. I hope your week will pass quickly and things will improve for you.
Posted by emmanuel98 on July 11, 2011, at 21:09:30
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 11, 2011, at 11:36:26
He will be back soon. Hang in. Can you replay visits with him in your head? Listen to his outgoing voicemail message to hear his voice?
Whenever my p-doc went on vacation, I always asked him where he was going and he always told me except once when he got angry, then he apologized and said he wasn't going away, just had personal issues to attend to.
I liked knowing where he was off to, so I could feel more secure about the whole thing.
Does your T have someone covering while he is away? (He should) Can you call the covering T and make an appointment. That helped me the first time my T went away for two weeks. The covering doc knew my p-doc well and reassured me that he would be back and I would be okay.
Posted by emmanuel98 on July 11, 2011, at 22:04:54
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by emmanuel98 on July 11, 2011, at 21:09:30
I tried posting this earlier, but must have forgotten to post it correctly.
Anyway. In an earlier post, you said you don't have drug and alcohol problems that would allow you to make use of AA. But if you eat for solace and worry about getting fat, you might want to try Overeaters Anonymous They have a ton of meetings and it's a great way to meet people with whom you can be honest and intimate without fearing negative judgement.
I could not have done therapy without AA. It was too intense, too much like unrequited love. I needed to find a way to change my relationships, to develop warm and intimate friendships outside of therapy. I would have committed suicide had I felt so dependent on my p-doc with no way to change the basic solitariness of my life.
My sister was bulemic and goes to OA meetings regularly.
You might also want to get involved with some spiritual practice -- a religious affiliation or meditation group. These are also ways people form honest, warm and intimate relationships. Therapy is a lot easier when you are able to make positive changes in the rest of your life.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 13, 2011, at 22:42:24
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation » Annabelle Smith, posted by Anemone on July 11, 2011, at 19:04:14
Thanks, Anemone, for hearing me. I appreciate your care.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 13, 2011, at 22:55:20
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by emmanuel98 on July 11, 2011, at 21:09:30
Thank you, Emmanuel, for your post and helpful suggestions.
I have been replaying our sessions in my head. Over and over again. I do this even when he is not out of town. It is like any way that I have to hold on to him-- no matter how tiny-- every fragment, I grasp onto desperately. Sometimes when I replay our sessions, I get a warm feeling all over-- a feeling of genunine connection and being able to feel and take in his care and concern. I also have his many saved voicemail messages that I sometimes listen to-- I have been doing this for over a year now. I don't do it everyday, but during times like this, it increases. I have listened to them the last few nights and just hearing his voice and soothes me and helps me go to sleep.
Also, thank you for mentioning the OA meetings. I have looked into this today. My city has a presence of OA in the community. I contacted them today and will try again to get more info. I think being part of group like that might help.
But I do feel so fragile, almost like I don't know who to share what with for fear of shattering. It is constantly fighting the unreality, the false splinters of myself, the fragmentation that is always lingering over the edge.
I also feel exhausted. I am currently working two jobs-- from 7am-5pm every weekday. I feel so exhausted, even to the point that I feel like I am losing touch with a part of myself that through this all, I have still had-- a creative center of some sort. It is like that is dying too. I was supposed to write an article for my job and have been trying, but it sucks. I feel so dry, like I have to force all of the words. I sent it to my dad to proof-- my dad is a writer and an editor. He constructively criticized me-- all deserved and done in a loving manner. But I just don't know what has made me feel so dead. I feel so empty.
Sometimes I feel scared too. I just moved into a house in a spotty part of town. I am living with four guys and four dogs. We had an attempted break-in during the night about 3 weeks ago. The outside door was taken off the hinges and one of the guy's car alarms went off, as they must have tried to break into his car too. I have been waking up in the middle of the night now in a panic. Sometimes I hear footsteps in the hall and then imagine that someone is walking in the hall with a gun. I start to feel prickly all over and feel like they are going to come into my room. It is so scary. I have had bad dreams about these kind of things for a long time.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 11:09:38
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation » emmanuel98, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 13, 2011, at 22:55:20
I feel like I can hardly make it. My therapist has been out of town for a week now-- another 5 days to go and we won't meet until next Tuesday-- that is 2 weeks from when we last met.
I am struggling and need support. But I am working my *ss of now and feel like I am always at work, never having time to attend any sort of support meetings or even to try to find someone to talk to. Working from 7am-5pm everyday and having to cook dinner for my house tonight literally leaves me no time.
And I am financially struggling. I work all the time and yet have no money. It seems like 30% or more is taken out for taxes, and I don't expect to even make more than $7000 this year. I feel like all that I have is being taken away. I have had no summer, no vacation, and am exhausted.
Hanging over the edge.
I woke up at 5:15 this morning, right before my alarm went of at 5:50 in a panic. Prickly. Thinking of someone with a gun. I am so afraid of dying before I see my therapist again. This may be psychotic, but I keep thinking someone with a gun is in the hallway at night. I think I heard gunshots -- like 10 in a row-- the other evening in the kitchen around 11pm. My housemate downstairs also thought so. They were in the distance, and in the end, we couldn't tell if they were fireworks or gunshots. They may have been fireworks. But one of the guys said that it is not uncommon to hear gunshots in the summer, but usually they are followed by sirens. My only hope is that if someone tries to break in, the dogs might hear. I feel scared.
I am trying to make it through the day. I had a good day on Wed, but now can hardly make it. Back to obsessions about food. I contacted OA and asked them to call me back. No response. I will try again. I can't keep going like this. So tired.
So many emotions towards my absent therapist. Longing, love, resentment, jealously, sadness, missing him, wanting him to be here and to help me, angry, tired.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 15:11:19
In reply to Struggling, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 11:09:38
I just need someone to respond to make me feel real. Maybe I am provoking others. Sometimes I do this, maybe even to my therapist. Though it is not always conscious, I sometimes want to get a response and reaction out of others, so I will feel real. I have been sitting alone in this room at the office for 5 hours today. 2 hours to go. The walls start making me feel crazy after 3 hours. I am supposed to be writing an article that I tried to squeeze out, but it sucks. All I can think about is trying to survive until my therapist is back on Tuesday.
Does anyone blame me for having trouble focusing at work? I wonder if I am just an awful writer and an incompetent worker. My thoughts are just jumping-- like they do everyday. Trapped. Panic. Suicidal thoughts. Re-grounding and re-gathering of the fragments. Tug of war with suicidal thoughts. Back and forth. Food. Food. Food. Lunch. Hours. Dinner. My therapist. My attachment to him. Bad or good. Will it lessen one day. how. should I be in this town or in Boston. money. how am I ever going to make it. go or stay. trapped. suicidal thoughts. need to work on the article. why is my mind blank. why are the words forced. I can't write. I am never going to make it. trapped. suicidal thoughts. need to go home. feel sick and exhausted. hungry. food. money. I miss my therapist. I wonder where he is. how can I make it until Tuesday. What will I do to get through the day, the night, the weekend. food. suicidal thoughts. would I do it or not. are these just thoughts, trying to get a reaction out of others. yes. no. I think I could do it. would I do it. I don't know. trapped. food. I miss my therapist. trapped. alone. hell.
hell.
Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2011, at 15:45:14
In reply to Need someone to respond to make me feel real, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 15:11:19
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. If I understand, you're over halfway through your therapist's vacation. Each hour is an hour closer.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 15:50:05
In reply to Re: Need someone to respond to make me feel real » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on July 14, 2011, at 15:45:14
Thank you, Dinah. yeah, each hour is an hour closer.
Posted by emmanuel98 on July 15, 2011, at 19:54:14
In reply to Need someone to respond to make me feel real, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 15:11:19
Annabelle - During my first year of therapy, I was working in the writing/research position -- alone a lot, having to be self-motivated. I had to fight this desire to daydream about my p-doc and relive our sessions. I think I got through it mostly because I started imagining my p-doc being in the next room, aware of me and proud of me for getting things done. But it was hard. I don't know how I managed not to get fired.
This living situation you're in sounds awful. Keep trying OA. They are not as well organized as AA with tons of volunteers to answer phones and all. Do they have a website with meeting lists? You can hang on. It's not that much longer.
This is the end of the thread.
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