Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 13, 2011, at 22:55:20
In reply to Re: Crappy Week: Fat and Therapist on Vacation, posted by emmanuel98 on July 11, 2011, at 21:09:30
Thank you, Emmanuel, for your post and helpful suggestions.
I have been replaying our sessions in my head. Over and over again. I do this even when he is not out of town. It is like any way that I have to hold on to him-- no matter how tiny-- every fragment, I grasp onto desperately. Sometimes when I replay our sessions, I get a warm feeling all over-- a feeling of genunine connection and being able to feel and take in his care and concern. I also have his many saved voicemail messages that I sometimes listen to-- I have been doing this for over a year now. I don't do it everyday, but during times like this, it increases. I have listened to them the last few nights and just hearing his voice and soothes me and helps me go to sleep.
Also, thank you for mentioning the OA meetings. I have looked into this today. My city has a presence of OA in the community. I contacted them today and will try again to get more info. I think being part of group like that might help.
But I do feel so fragile, almost like I don't know who to share what with for fear of shattering. It is constantly fighting the unreality, the false splinters of myself, the fragmentation that is always lingering over the edge.
I also feel exhausted. I am currently working two jobs-- from 7am-5pm every weekday. I feel so exhausted, even to the point that I feel like I am losing touch with a part of myself that through this all, I have still had-- a creative center of some sort. It is like that is dying too. I was supposed to write an article for my job and have been trying, but it sucks. I feel so dry, like I have to force all of the words. I sent it to my dad to proof-- my dad is a writer and an editor. He constructively criticized me-- all deserved and done in a loving manner. But I just don't know what has made me feel so dead. I feel so empty.
Sometimes I feel scared too. I just moved into a house in a spotty part of town. I am living with four guys and four dogs. We had an attempted break-in during the night about 3 weeks ago. The outside door was taken off the hinges and one of the guy's car alarms went off, as they must have tried to break into his car too. I have been waking up in the middle of the night now in a panic. Sometimes I hear footsteps in the hall and then imagine that someone is walking in the hall with a gun. I start to feel prickly all over and feel like they are going to come into my room. It is so scary. I have had bad dreams about these kind of things for a long time.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:990749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/990988.html