Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 15:11:19
In reply to Struggling, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 14, 2011, at 11:09:38
I just need someone to respond to make me feel real. Maybe I am provoking others. Sometimes I do this, maybe even to my therapist. Though it is not always conscious, I sometimes want to get a response and reaction out of others, so I will feel real. I have been sitting alone in this room at the office for 5 hours today. 2 hours to go. The walls start making me feel crazy after 3 hours. I am supposed to be writing an article that I tried to squeeze out, but it sucks. All I can think about is trying to survive until my therapist is back on Tuesday.
Does anyone blame me for having trouble focusing at work? I wonder if I am just an awful writer and an incompetent worker. My thoughts are just jumping-- like they do everyday. Trapped. Panic. Suicidal thoughts. Re-grounding and re-gathering of the fragments. Tug of war with suicidal thoughts. Back and forth. Food. Food. Food. Lunch. Hours. Dinner. My therapist. My attachment to him. Bad or good. Will it lessen one day. how. should I be in this town or in Boston. money. how am I ever going to make it. go or stay. trapped. suicidal thoughts. need to work on the article. why is my mind blank. why are the words forced. I can't write. I am never going to make it. trapped. suicidal thoughts. need to go home. feel sick and exhausted. hungry. food. money. I miss my therapist. I wonder where he is. how can I make it until Tuesday. What will I do to get through the day, the night, the weekend. food. suicidal thoughts. would I do it or not. are these just thoughts, trying to get a reaction out of others. yes. no. I think I could do it. would I do it. I don't know. trapped. food. I miss my therapist. trapped. alone. hell.
hell.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:990749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/991024.html