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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:08:38
My therapist and I have identified a theme running throughout-- do I stay? do I go?
This is the trap i feel stuck within. going. staying. life. death. stuck somewhere in the middle, but able to embrace neither.
Leaving my sessions and the pain of waiting in between, preparing intensely, freezing in a session and not being able to share what i prepared. Leaving feeling like i wasted time. Being overwhelmed by the safety of his presence and devastated by the moment of departure of his absence. These things make me feel what I told him today-- sometimes i feel like therapy is just too much for me; sometimes i feel like i can't handle it anymore; but leaving is not an option for me. I need to be there.
i can't stay; i can't go.
i am stuck in obsession; i feel crazy.
For the first couple of months that we worked together, it was me who did all of the research adn insisted to him that i have borderline personality disorder. at first, he didn't seem to agree-- but that was before i shared anything of real substance with him-- that was when i literally did just sit there in silence and broken speech. now i have shared more with him via these posts and we have just worked together longer.
today, as we discussed the label that he gave to me on a receipt for the insurance co. of Depressive Disorder NOS, I brought up the borderline label. He thinks it is my label too, but said that because of the stigma attached to it, he wouldn't use it on this form. I know that i have wanted him to confirm this label to me for so long, but now that he officially talks about it with regards to me, i feel stuck. i feel like i am crazy or wrong. my personality is disordered. he is reluctant to use labels and i think is probably using official labels in my presence because i brought it up. he prefers to speak of my situation as a feeling of "not-ok" and of "discomfort"
but we have discussed the truth. it all makes so much sense to me now. this is my label, apparently among many other things. sometimes i wonder what else he has diagnosed me as having officially but has maybe not shared.
then i wonder how i can ever get better.
but this push-pull is so hard. i am trapped in between a rock and a hard place, in between life and death, in between going and staying.
this hurts so much.
Posted by emmanuel98 on February 16, 2011, at 22:30:51
In reply to do i stay, do i go? (label?), posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:08:38
I wonder how good this therapy is for you. I too had an intense reaction to therapy at the beginning but stayed on because I always felt better after a session and felt I had accomplshed something important or worthwhile. It seems like you are stuck. therapy isn't really helpful or worthwhile, yet you obsess over it and obsess over your therapist. maybe you need to take a break from therapy and try to figure out why this is so intense for you.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:42:56
In reply to Re: do i stay, do i go? (label?), posted by emmanuel98 on February 16, 2011, at 22:30:51
I appreciate your response,
but actually, the very idea here makes me extremely upset. I can't take a break from therapy, because this therapist is so important for my healing, I know. I feel like, as painful as this is, the intensity is an indication of problems that are becoming more clear. it is hard to stay...but I *can't go. I think I feel the same way about life.I feel like he is a gift from God, he is the one who is sitting with me in this chaos-- the only one in my life who is doing this-- and is guiding me through the darkness in which there is no light. The distress comes from feeling like i don't have enough time, and i need all the seconds i can get.
he is trying to help me let go, to embrace a new way of thinking and being in the world.
Sometimes I have thought about it like a doctor who finds a cancer in a patient, and has to open up the wound very deep in order to help heal.
It is very intense. But without seeing him, there would be no one with whom i could share any of this. we have talked about in my session today, how therapy is like a "microcosm" (his word) or "meta-situation" (my word) of my life in all other areas. the problems in all other areas play themselves out here.
I should report one area in which i do see progress in my life: sometimes I feel more confident and sometimes even more real in my day-to-day interactions with people. i noticed as early as last year that interpersonal interactions that would normally cause me great anxiety had more or less left these situations and just centered themselves completely and totally in the therapeutic relation.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:45:51
In reply to Re: do i stay, do i go? (label?), posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:42:56
I think the bottom-line is that I am trying too hard. I am so obsessed with getting this figured out and fixed, that I am driving myself insane.
I am stuck in an infinite maze and the harder i try to get out, the deeper in I go.
We talked about that today, and he said that i have to let go.
letting go. let go. let go.
letting go
Posted by pegasus on February 17, 2011, at 14:28:09
In reply to bottom line, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:45:51
Easier said than done, huh?
You're doing DBT, right? Are you practicing your distress tolerance and mindfulness skills around this? Does it feel like that's not nearly enough? That's what it felt like to me at first, but then later as I got more practiced it did help. Does help.
- P
Posted by sigismund on February 17, 2011, at 22:44:54
In reply to bottom line, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:45:51
Maybe you still have hopes that you can figure it out?
It's a disease of youth.My attempts to figure it out would embarrass me now, and I think why bother.
I don't get too many consolations from the human world.
Anyway the domination culture of the human world with its winners and losers, what hope can you expect from that?
How can a culture like we have help you learn how to let go?I actually like colours (for consololation).....blue from the sky and green from plants.
This is the end of the thread.
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