Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 22:08:38
My therapist and I have identified a theme running throughout-- do I stay? do I go?
This is the trap i feel stuck within. going. staying. life. death. stuck somewhere in the middle, but able to embrace neither.
Leaving my sessions and the pain of waiting in between, preparing intensely, freezing in a session and not being able to share what i prepared. Leaving feeling like i wasted time. Being overwhelmed by the safety of his presence and devastated by the moment of departure of his absence. These things make me feel what I told him today-- sometimes i feel like therapy is just too much for me; sometimes i feel like i can't handle it anymore; but leaving is not an option for me. I need to be there.
i can't stay; i can't go.
i am stuck in obsession; i feel crazy.
For the first couple of months that we worked together, it was me who did all of the research adn insisted to him that i have borderline personality disorder. at first, he didn't seem to agree-- but that was before i shared anything of real substance with him-- that was when i literally did just sit there in silence and broken speech. now i have shared more with him via these posts and we have just worked together longer.
today, as we discussed the label that he gave to me on a receipt for the insurance co. of Depressive Disorder NOS, I brought up the borderline label. He thinks it is my label too, but said that because of the stigma attached to it, he wouldn't use it on this form. I know that i have wanted him to confirm this label to me for so long, but now that he officially talks about it with regards to me, i feel stuck. i feel like i am crazy or wrong. my personality is disordered. he is reluctant to use labels and i think is probably using official labels in my presence because i brought it up. he prefers to speak of my situation as a feeling of "not-ok" and of "discomfort"
but we have discussed the truth. it all makes so much sense to me now. this is my label, apparently among many other things. sometimes i wonder what else he has diagnosed me as having officially but has maybe not shared.
then i wonder how i can ever get better.
but this push-pull is so hard. i am trapped in between a rock and a hard place, in between life and death, in between going and staying.
this hurts so much.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:979444
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979444.html