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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
So on Wednesday my T (of 3 yrs) informed me that she is going to reduce the frequency of my sessions to once per month. Previously I had been seeing her 2x/week. She says this is because I am "not ready to change." This is mostly with regard to my unhealthy relationship with my mother.
I am soooo hurt. I mean what kind of loser am I that I can't even pay someone to listen to my problems? I feel like I have burned her out. And I feel like w/o her I have so little support and things are never going to change.
And I feel ashamed. Like I am a worthless failure. Part of me never wants to face her again. We are supposed to go to the 1x/month plan gradually over the next few months, so I am going to see her again on Monday. I want to cancel, but I know I really should process things. But I feel like I can't (or don't want to) trust her.
Anyone have words of wisdom? I feel hopeless.
Best,
EE
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2010, at 17:32:44
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
I have no words of wisdom.
But I don't think you are a loser. This seems like your therapist's issue, not yours. She not only needs you to change, she needs you to change on *her* time table.
Reducing to once a month from twice a week really seems like an attempt to either punish you or pressure you. In what world do you go from twice a week to once a month?
It's not your fault. At *best* it's a poor fit of goals/styles of therapy.
Posted by obsidian on November 6, 2010, at 17:36:40
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
> So on Wednesday my T (of 3 yrs) informed me that she is going to reduce the frequency of my sessions to once per month. Previously I had been seeing her 2x/week. She says this is because I am "not ready to change." This is mostly with regard to my unhealthy relationship with my mother.
>
> I am soooo hurt. I mean what kind of loser am I that I can't even pay someone to listen to my problems? I feel like I have burned her out. And I feel like w/o her I have so little support and things are never going to change.
>
> And I feel ashamed. Like I am a worthless failure. Part of me never wants to face her again. We are supposed to go to the 1x/month plan gradually over the next few months, so I am going to see her again on Monday. I want to cancel, but I know I really should process things. But I feel like I can't (or don't want to) trust her.
>
> Anyone have words of wisdom? I feel hopeless.
>
> Best,
> EEwell I can understand feeling like you don't want to trust her, and feeling hurt and feeling angry
I'm sorry EE
((((you)))))I'm not sure I can offer any words of wisdom...because my initial reaction is to be angry at your t.
2x a week to one time a month??
perhaps a solution will come
in the mean time you are NOT a "loser" and you are NOT a "failure"
I would guess that that one issue has not been the only thing you've been working on in therapy.
Your mother doesn't physically come to therapy with you, because she's not the one who should be center stage. Taking care of yourself however, is one of most important things.
Posted by Solstice on November 6, 2010, at 19:27:08
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
EE -
Ditto here on Dinah's thoughts.
An idea I have is that if you feel safe enough in the relationship to do it, mimaybe ask her directly (and non-accusatorily) about the reasons behind it. Dinah's point about the "her timetable" thing is a big deal. My therapist and I wrestled with having different timetables.
HT got very frustrated because I was taking sooooo long to work through the excruciatingly painful trauma of therapy-gone-bad with my prior therapist. Week after week after week, month in and month out I agonized over it. I think it really pained my T to watch me do that to myself. When HT's impatience started leaking out, I would feel hurt about it after I left. I was scared to death to say "Stop pushing! I need to stay stuck right where I am!" But we'd made this pact, you see, where I promised that if there was anything about our relationship that was becoming a problem for me, HT was trusting me to bring it up. So eventually, I did. In a really small tiny way. HT 'caught' the little thing I threw out about it, and opened the discussion. Somehow I managed to say that I didn't quite understand why, but that I could not move from where I was. HT had misgivings about it, but eventually said, 'okay, then we'll wait until you're ready.'
So if you feel safe enough to do it, it might be a good idea to just ask. Worst thing she can say is that she's irritated that you won't do whatever it is she wants you to do with your mother, and is punishing you for it. And if that's what is behind it, then you probably need to know that. Another possibility is that in hearing your query, she might realize that she's maybe inadvertently put her agenda in first place, and she might re-evaluate whether that's who she wants to be as a therapist. I know that my HT and I have shared wry smiles and warm memories of HT 'pushing' me with the best of intentions, and me 'diggin in my heels' - which ultimately proved to be the best thing for me to do at the time. Because when I was ready, I was able to move withOUT being pushed. If I'd moved too soon, I don't think my progress would have as sturdy of a foundation. Might be the same for you. Maybe if you bring it up, your T will adjust her agenda to better fit your needs?
Solstice
Posted by jane d on November 6, 2010, at 19:28:36
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
No wisdom here either I'm afraid. That stinks! I'd be tempted to cancel too but I probably wouldn't. I'm sorry she's doing this.
Jane
Posted by Willful on November 6, 2010, at 23:06:48
In reply to Re: need support » Emily Elizabeth, posted by jane d on November 6, 2010, at 19:28:36
I was wondering if there was any hint or discussion of this before your T made this rather abrupt and I would expect shocking announcement. I can't imagine a T doing that to someone-- unless there had been a lot of friciion and some warning or indication that cutting down needed to be considered.
In fact, I think presenting it as a fait accompli, rather than an issue to be discussed and resolved before any final decision is made is just wrong. I've got to wonder, as others have, about countertransference-- and I would question the judgment and commitment of any T who would arbitrarily impose that sort of reduction-- or really any significant long=term reworking of the relationship.
I totally understand your not wanting to go to your appointment. I'm sorry-- I haven't followed anything about your relationship with her-- but I personally would find that tantamount to putting me in an impossible situation. I believe that the relationship is mutual, with a lot of responsibility for the T, once the relationship has progressed, to handle negative or discouraged feelings, Of course, that's me-- I don't mean to substitute my reaction for yours.
But I wanted to ask, if there was a lot of friction and the common sense that the relationship was breaking down, for a while. Otherwise I can't imagine a T acting so radically and without your being part of the process prior to the decision.
I also am very sorry that happened-- and of course am a bit taken aback that a T would do that-- I hope you can resolve it with her or with another T in a way that is constructive for you.
Willful
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 23:12:57
In reply to Re: need support, posted by Willful on November 6, 2010, at 23:06:48
Don't worry, Willful, I haven't really posted much abt my T previously. There was absolutely no friction that I was aware of. I am a very compliant client, always trying to please her. She was always kind and supportive, so this feels like i was blind-sided.
Thanks for the reply.
Best,
EE
Posted by annierose on November 7, 2010, at 9:04:13
In reply to Re: need support » Willful, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 23:12:57
Wow ... that does sound like she blind-sided you. Perhaps in a not-so-healthy approach, she is trying to motivate you to "change" ... or shake up your therapy process in what seems to be a bold move at your expense.
I would be angry and scared and demand answers, "Why now?"
And then alone I would be worried that she was sick and needed to speed up the therapy process ... or that she sought supervision and this was his/her new idea.
Years and years ago, (like 30 years) I was in therapy and suddenly my t was approaching everything completely differently ... what she said and how she said things ... questions that were asked ... I was so confused. At the next session I asked, "where's my t? can you bring her back?" and she confessed that she was in supervision and apologized for the change-up [she was a young t].
Often there is something going on for our therapist that changes their work with us.
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2010, at 10:46:52
In reply to Re: need support » Willful, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 23:12:57
Emily Elizabeth, it's clear that the consensus is that your therapist is wrong in doing that. Granted, the posters who responded are people comfortable with long term relationship based therapy. As I don't need to tell you, solution focused therapists and clients may feel differently. Does she hold that point of view?
I know it's not particularly comforting to hear that your therapist is wrong. And if she has a different view of therapy, she isn't *precisely* wrong.
I just never think it's right for a therapist's goals and needs to supersede a client's goals and needs. It would appear that that's what's happening. Would you feel comfortable talking about it with her in those terms? It might at least give you an understanding of why she's thinking what she's thinking.
I wish Poet were around to give her a cyber-forehead flick.
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2010, at 10:50:34
In reply to Re: need support » Emily Elizabeth, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2010, at 10:46:52
I should add that my therapist was at one time more solution oriented, although he didn't make any decisions about my cutting back. He just made some noises of wondering if he was the right therapist to help me.
I had precisely that conversation with him. About whether *his* need for me to change in a certain way and on a certain timetable was pushing aside my own needs.
To his credit, he responded very well, and recognized that his own needs and beliefs about therapy were driving him to push me.
Posted by tetrix on November 7, 2010, at 19:40:01
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
I wish you wouldn't put the blame on yourself. You are not a loser. Therapy is a very delicate procedure and it takes a lot to make it work properly. When patients fail to get better for a long period of time, the therapist for most of the part, is the responsible party.
All I can offer you is my support and I feel your pain. Sending you best wishes and take care of yourself.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 8, 2010, at 21:26:08
In reply to need support, posted by Emily Elizabeth on November 6, 2010, at 16:12:39
First of all, thank you all for you thoughtful and kind posts. It really helped.
Today I had a session (because she wants to implement the 1x/mo thing gradually). It actually went okay. I was able to express my sadness, hurt, and anger (which is a hard thing for me!) I even called her on the fact that she waited until the last 10 minutes to drop the bomb on me. She appologized profusely, which felt good.
Interestingly, when I was freaking about the 1x/mo thing, she said that we shouldn't focus on that right now, nothing was "set in stone." On one hand, I was sooo relieved to think she might be talked out of this. On the other, it made me even more angry that she put me through this for something she wasn't absolutely sure about. I didn't bring that up though because I didn't want her to change her mind about the not set in stone thing.
So, for the immediate future, we are just going to cut back to 1x/wk and we'll see from there... I'm still anxious about what the future holds, but I'm generally feeling less stressed and depressed than last week.
Thanks, gang!!
Best,
EE
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