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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on December 9, 2009, at 17:19:06
i was talking about how much ive been acting out to my T. she said it had something to do with wanting to own her because i made a comment about never being able to really have her. and i said that i get so anxious when i cant get access to her between sessions that maybe it would be better to stop going for a while to see how i handle myself. this is what i wrote to her. thoughts are welcomed.
So I think you might be right about owning you. But its not about owningits about what I get when I am here. So much comes up for me between sessions. And I grow to depend on coming here. Yet, there are times, like these past few weeks, where I realize that 3 sessions is not enough. Youve heard me the last few sessions. I tried and tried to process some of this stuff, with some success. And it starts to get overwhelming. I cant process it all. And when that starts to happen, I become enraged and want to attack you. I think thats why I started coming after you so to speak in the last session and on the phone. So in some ways, I do want to own you. I do want you to be there whenever I need it, no matter what. But you cant and you wont and thats reality. My concern is weather or not I would be better off trying to find a way to manage these feelings without coming here. I honestly dont know. I sometimes think coming once a week would be better. Something about coming here leaves with with a feeling like, thats where I go to process.so I do not go to the gym, I do not meditate as often as I normally would. You become my outlet. And I dont need an outlet for 50 minutes three times a week, I need one at any given moment in the day. It helps me to come herebut there is a bit of a backlash because when things build and 3 times a week does not address it, I start to lose it. Because in some ways, I have grown to depend on you and when you dont help me resolve itI come apart. That seems unhealthy.
So my thinking is maybe if I take a break for a while.i will find that I can manage my feelings on my own. Ill work out more, ill meditate moreill manage my time better. Thats my wish. But who knows. Maybe ill go right down the toilet and smoke pot, drink, f*ck. Maybe I will get much worse. But I cant know unless I try. So I think taking a break would be helpful because we cant know, if I do will do better without this. Coming less seems like a bad idea. It will be so easy to want to come more often. I feel like ill want more of it if we cut back. So im going to not come for the next couple weeks and see what happens.
now that i reread this...i have a feeling she will convince me to stay. but i so want to leave....ARGH.
Posted by lingonberry on December 10, 2009, at 5:44:44
In reply to a letter to my therapist...., posted by deerock on December 9, 2009, at 17:19:06
Hi, deerock,
I understand that your dependency is a big problem for you, and from my perspective you might also have some kind of resistance right now. Why do I sense this? Because it seems to me that you are thinking in terms of black and white and therefore you are not able to come up with any solutions, its either or
Regarding your own solution, I think there is no conflict in doing both continue your therapy AND start to look out for yourself between the sessions. Im sure you have a lot of reasons for being angry, but your T is probably not the source, even if it feels like that. I know its tough, but at some point, you have to try to link your feelings against your T to your past, even if you cant remember anything yet.
Try to stay with your feelings between the sessions, observe them and listen to the thoughts that follows. What do you say to yourself and how does it make you feel? Do I recognize this thoughts and feelings? Have I felt this way before? And then share this with your T. Try to talk to your T about your feelings towards her instead of acting them out. Its nothing wrong in doing that, dont put more guilt on yourself, thats the way we communicate with our T before we remember our past, thats the way we let our T know what has happened to us.
Regarding your dependency in many cases, therapy works this way. But I think for various reasons some people develop more dependency than others and therefore, cutting down on therapy to twice a week can be beneficial. But I dont know. Only you can decide whats best for you. But my experience is that we are supposed to live with our T 24/7 - for a period of time. Thats quite normal if weare in a long-term therapy.
I used to communicate A LOT with my T for about 2 years, at least. I thought about him when I woke up, and then on and off (most on) during the whole day, and the last thought on my mind before I was going to sleep was directed to him. Everything was about my T and therapy. Under this period I often thought that I REALLY NEED to talk to a second T about my feelings towards my first T. (LOL) I know you are hurting and I wish the best for you.
Lingonberry
Posted by pegasus on December 10, 2009, at 8:45:31
In reply to a letter to my therapist...., posted by deerock on December 9, 2009, at 17:19:06
Hi deerock,
When I read your letter, I wonder how you handled your feelings before you started with your T. It seems like you must already know how it goes without her, because that's what was happening before you started therapy, right? Was it workable?
I hear your pain in your attachment to your T. And I know from my own experience how painful that attachment can be. I also know that if you can stand the pain of it, the attachment can be a really powerful force for positive change. Without it, you might be able to manage better than you feel you are managing now, in the short term at least. But will you get the same long term healing that you would get if you stuck it out with your T through this?
Keep in mind that a lot of people believe therapy works through the strength of that attachment. We are so focused on our T that we end up eventually internalizing what they say to us, which can then help us get through life much more smoothly. So, after long enough (which varies from therapy to therapy) you *do* have your T with you all the time. Or at least, the parts that help you process things in a healthy way. Honestly, that is the way I feel now, after many years of therapy. I hope that you can get there too.
peg
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