Posted by deerock on December 9, 2009, at 17:19:06
i was talking about how much ive been acting out to my T. she said it had something to do with wanting to own her because i made a comment about never being able to really have her. and i said that i get so anxious when i cant get access to her between sessions that maybe it would be better to stop going for a while to see how i handle myself. this is what i wrote to her. thoughts are welcomed.
So I think you might be right about owning you. But its not about owningits about what I get when I am here. So much comes up for me between sessions. And I grow to depend on coming here. Yet, there are times, like these past few weeks, where I realize that 3 sessions is not enough. Youve heard me the last few sessions. I tried and tried to process some of this stuff, with some success. And it starts to get overwhelming. I cant process it all. And when that starts to happen, I become enraged and want to attack you. I think thats why I started coming after you so to speak in the last session and on the phone. So in some ways, I do want to own you. I do want you to be there whenever I need it, no matter what. But you cant and you wont and thats reality. My concern is weather or not I would be better off trying to find a way to manage these feelings without coming here. I honestly dont know. I sometimes think coming once a week would be better. Something about coming here leaves with with a feeling like, thats where I go to process.so I do not go to the gym, I do not meditate as often as I normally would. You become my outlet. And I dont need an outlet for 50 minutes three times a week, I need one at any given moment in the day. It helps me to come herebut there is a bit of a backlash because when things build and 3 times a week does not address it, I start to lose it. Because in some ways, I have grown to depend on you and when you dont help me resolve itI come apart. That seems unhealthy.
So my thinking is maybe if I take a break for a while.i will find that I can manage my feelings on my own. Ill work out more, ill meditate moreill manage my time better. Thats my wish. But who knows. Maybe ill go right down the toilet and smoke pot, drink, f*ck. Maybe I will get much worse. But I cant know unless I try. So I think taking a break would be helpful because we cant know, if I do will do better without this. Coming less seems like a bad idea. It will be so easy to want to come more often. I feel like ill want more of it if we cut back. So im going to not come for the next couple weeks and see what happens.
now that i reread this...i have a feeling she will convince me to stay. but i so want to leave....ARGH.
poster:deerock
thread:928664
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091022/msgs/928664.html