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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
I hope some of you will remember me, it's been awhile since I've posted. I always feel like I never make much of an impact whether it's on the net or IRL.
Anyway... I'm reaching out tonight. I don't know how much I'll get into right now since I am just completely overwhelmed by everything, but things are bad. I wish I had written sooner.
I have been seeing my therapist for just about 6 years. She has been great. Of course everyone thinks theirs is the best I'm sure, but I really did think mine was right up there with the ones on this board that I sometimes look up to, but won't name.
However, we have been stuck at an impasse for several months now; basically since January. Back in January, she abruptly changed a "rule", and things have not been the same since. (Seriously, how do you go and change a rule 5 years down the road?!) She admitted she was wrong and has apologized. She said if she could go back she would do it differently. Fine. But since then, the whole dynamic of the relationship has changed, in addition to me left feeling extremely hurt. I'm not even comfortable talking anymore.
In a nutshell, I can't move past this. I haven't talked about anything much since this happened. She's getting frustrated with me, but I just feel stuck. I want to talk about ways of getting through this together, but she seems to think we have, or at least she thinks I have talked about how upset I am about this change. The truth is, I haven't. I need to talk to someone about it! I just don't feel like she wants to hear it.
She says I make it seem as though our 2 sessions per week don't count for anything. As bad as it sounds, maybe they don't in a way because I can't figure out what's going on with me when I leave. Since this has happened, I have no connection anymore between sessions, and therefore no memory (hardly, not literally) of being there, so no sense of continuity from one session to the next. It's almost like I'm waiting for the next change.
I'm so sad though, not depressed, just really sad. I miss the way things were, I miss the way she was, and I miss the way we were together. It feels like so much has changed. Did she never know how important she was to me? Of course I would be sad, it does feel like a death, of sorts. The relationship as I knew it has died. (And that practically made me sick to say.) Can't this be a form of grief? Is it possible that I'm just grieving and that's part of why I feel stuck? I saw her tonight and she's making me go for a psych eval! This is ridiculous!
I'm just so sad.
lgl
Posted by Maxime on July 28, 2009, at 20:34:23
In reply to A serious impasse, posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
Can I ask which rule she changed? I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I don't really know what to say.
Posted by Daisym on July 28, 2009, at 21:06:54
In reply to A serious impasse, posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
You don't really sound stuck - you sound more like you've lost trust in your therapist and lost a safe place to discuss things. If something like this had happened with anyone else, she would be the person you'd be talking to about it. Since the issue is with her, it leaves you at a loss.
I think it is a developmental stage in therapy and in life. Something BIG happens and we realize that our parents, and our therapists are humans. And as humans, they let us down. They make mistakes and they aren't always capable of being as steady and consistent as we need them to be.
I asked my therapist recently about counseling a couple where one person had an affair and the other person can't get over it. So every session is an expression of the hurt and anger. How, I asked, do you help that person move past it and how do you help the other one tolerate all the guilt and shame that comes up everytime they talk about the mistake? He said that you have to let the angry person keep expressing their anger and their grief, and the one who made the mistake has to listen. And then they get a turn to say, "I'm sorry, I screwed up" again and again. But it can take months, until the anger runs its course and much, much longer for trust to be rebuilt.
I think you are going to have to be honest about how upset you still are about her change. Of course she is entitled to make a change but it may or may not work for her clients. Some will work through it and some will leave. Because changes also point up the power differential in the relationship and the real precarious nature of investing so much emotionally in a person who has no reciprocal "need" for you. It is a painful, awful truth. And it hurts so, so much.
Keeping it all inside to spare her feelings will not help you. But if you can really speak your truth about it, you will probably find this a growth opportunity. That doesn't mean it will ever be the same - and in the end, you may reach the conclusion that it is time to move to a new therapist. But hopefully, you can find a new depth to your relationship - not just her understanding you, but you understanding her too.
All that said, I'm sorry for where you are. It really and truly is such a painful place. I'm hope you feel the support I'm sending out to you.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 22:14:10
In reply to Re: A serious impasse » littlegirllost, posted by Daisym on July 28, 2009, at 21:06:54
Oh Daisy. Thank you. Thank you for hearing me. I'm going to respond better tomorrow (I'll try to from work), but I read this now as I am on my way to bed soon and had to say something. You totally hit the nail on the head in the first paragraph. Maybe I'm not really stuck, more like stuck between a rock and a hard place. Having to admit that I'm not happy with the way things are, and feeling like I did lose some trust and my safe place. And as much as I recognize these things and stay stuck (in the sense of not making any progress, etc.), I also don't want to leave her; I don't want to lose her. So I don't know what to do, where to turn, and end up feeling alone when I should be turning to her. I just can't believe we got to this place when things were going so SO well up until this point. This came out of nowhere.
lgl
>>> You don't really sound stuck - you sound more like you've lost trust in your therapist and lost a safe place to discuss things. If something like this had happened with anyone else, she would be the person you'd be talking to about it. Since the issue is with her, it leaves you at a loss.
Posted by moonshadow on July 29, 2009, at 7:32:09
In reply to Re: A serious impasse » Daisym, posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 22:14:10
Daisy said it really well. You have a right to be heard by your t, over and over, as long as it takes. Your t sounds awesome, and she may really just not know how much this hurts you. Sometimes t's can be.... dense. And it's our job to enlighten them, because they can't read minds. Oh, how I wish they could!
Posted by annierose on July 29, 2009, at 17:38:53
In reply to A serious impasse, posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
I don't have much else to add to the discussion except that in the impasse, there is often great work to be done --- because she did change the a rule and it has affected your feelings --- there is something "there" in your reaction emotionally that needs understanding .. if that makes sense. I'm not saying someone is right or wrong --- it's not about that at this point. Your therapist has already admitted she would have done things differently now in retrospect. But for you, something isn't resolved. You can't move on. She needs to help you figure out why ... what is keeping you in the hurt?
Often when I feel like this in therapy, at an impasses (for other reasons) as much as I hate talking and talking and talking about why I'm so angry, or explain why it's feels so big to me, overtime, and it can take a long time, I do have that light bulb moment or even a flicker moment of why my reaction is so BIG to the impasse (or for you -- the change in rules).
Do you feel like sharing what rule she changed? Was it contact in-between sessions?
A few years ago when I felt in a similar place, I did talk to another therapist about the hurt. My daughter was in therapy at that time, so it was a therapist that knew me. Anyway, I felt it was extremely helpful to get another person's perspective and she helped me put the matter to rest.
Posted by littlegirllost on August 4, 2009, at 21:39:47
In reply to A serious impasse, posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I haven't been, and am not able to write more (and sooner), just having a really rough time. I do appreciate your support and feedback though.
I saw my therapist last Thursday and after a rocky start, I actually thought it went okay for a change; I left feeling hopeful. Then I went tonight and found that I basically mislead myself for feeling that way. How can that be? I thought it was actually a productive session. This is so incredibly painful. I see her again on Thursday, then she'll be on vacation next week. I want things to be "ok" (or as ok as they can be given the circumstances) before she goes away; I don't like leaving this way. :(
I'm just so worried.lgl
This is the end of the thread.
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