Posted by littlegirllost on July 28, 2009, at 19:48:39
I hope some of you will remember me, it's been awhile since I've posted. I always feel like I never make much of an impact whether it's on the net or IRL.
Anyway... I'm reaching out tonight. I don't know how much I'll get into right now since I am just completely overwhelmed by everything, but things are bad. I wish I had written sooner.
I have been seeing my therapist for just about 6 years. She has been great. Of course everyone thinks theirs is the best I'm sure, but I really did think mine was right up there with the ones on this board that I sometimes look up to, but won't name.
However, we have been stuck at an impasse for several months now; basically since January. Back in January, she abruptly changed a "rule", and things have not been the same since. (Seriously, how do you go and change a rule 5 years down the road?!) She admitted she was wrong and has apologized. She said if she could go back she would do it differently. Fine. But since then, the whole dynamic of the relationship has changed, in addition to me left feeling extremely hurt. I'm not even comfortable talking anymore.
In a nutshell, I can't move past this. I haven't talked about anything much since this happened. She's getting frustrated with me, but I just feel stuck. I want to talk about ways of getting through this together, but she seems to think we have, or at least she thinks I have talked about how upset I am about this change. The truth is, I haven't. I need to talk to someone about it! I just don't feel like she wants to hear it.
She says I make it seem as though our 2 sessions per week don't count for anything. As bad as it sounds, maybe they don't in a way because I can't figure out what's going on with me when I leave. Since this has happened, I have no connection anymore between sessions, and therefore no memory (hardly, not literally) of being there, so no sense of continuity from one session to the next. It's almost like I'm waiting for the next change.
I'm so sad though, not depressed, just really sad. I miss the way things were, I miss the way she was, and I miss the way we were together. It feels like so much has changed. Did she never know how important she was to me? Of course I would be sad, it does feel like a death, of sorts. The relationship as I knew it has died. (And that practically made me sick to say.) Can't this be a form of grief? Is it possible that I'm just grieving and that's part of why I feel stuck? I saw her tonight and she's making me go for a psych eval! This is ridiculous!
I'm just so sad.
lgl
poster:littlegirllost
thread:909059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/909059.html