![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by friesandcoke on July 13, 2009, at 22:52:03
My beloved therapist retired a year ago and I am still grieving the loss of her. She referred me to a colleague and little did she know the colleague was going through a crisis and I have had to quit therapy with the colleague because she is crossing all sorts of boundaries discussing her crisis with me, taking off tons of time due to her crisis and other things such as discussing my case with someone who called there when I didn't sign a release of information for either of them!! My old therapist was truly the one I went running to. I was so lucky to have her. I was so blessed. I stayed with her colleague for a year but could not take the colleague and her crisis interfering. One time her cell phone rang 3x during a session. She kept looking to see who it was. I finally asked "are you expecting an important call"? And she said no, she was just looking to see if it was anyone calling about her mother. Her mother is the crisis. For a year now she has been saying her mother is dying and dragging me into it. I have had to tell her flat out " I don't want to talk about this". And had to tell her to put away the cell phone it was interfering with my session..if you want to call it that. The irony is that my own mother is in a nursing home with alot of illnesses not far from the office. But I am not going there anymore and don't have a therapist now. Wow, what trauma! Thanks for listening guys. XO
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 14, 2009, at 7:22:17
In reply to Therapist retired a year ago and still grieving, posted by friesandcoke on July 13, 2009, at 22:52:03
Nice to hear from you again, Fries, but I'm really sorry things aren't going better. My T is retiring in December and so far the "transition" is going really, really badly.
I'm sorry you're still grieving for your T. Any contact at all?
I'm thinking about you.
Posted by pegasus on July 15, 2009, at 11:06:34
In reply to Therapist retired a year ago and still grieving, posted by friesandcoke on July 13, 2009, at 22:52:03
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Of course you're still grieving a year later. It was a big relationship in your life.
I lost my T to a move around 5 years ago, and I still miss him quite poignantly at times. I grieved deeply for . . . oh, I'd say around three years or so. It does get easier to go through life without them. But it's always going to be a loss. Especially when you have not been able to complete the work you were doing.
I also tried to work with a T that my old T recommended. Even without the boundary crossing that you report, I had trouble with it. I found myself just being generally pissed off at her all the time for not being him. She wanted to talk about my relationship with her, which infuriated me. I wanted to talk about my relationship with *him*. I didn't want to even have a relationship with *her*. So, the whole thing was probably doomed from the beginning.
I think it can take some time to be ready to really work with someone else again. And that's OK. The one thing that she did help me with was just having some place to express my grief. No one in the rest of my life understood or accepted it. It's especially hard to grieve when you can't share your grief with anyone, which pretty much describes most lost-of-T grief.
But this is a good place for it. People here understand. Thank goodness for babble.
peg
Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 20:43:59
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago and still grieving » friesandcoke, posted by TherapyGirl on July 14, 2009, at 7:22:17
Thanks..
What is going on with your transition? You say it isn't going well? What are you doing to transition? Thanks. ps- no contact at all with my "old" therapist. my life stinks without her. i have gone on two interviews with two other therapists since the one I was assigned to by my old therapist and i would rather not be in therapy than be in therapy with one of them. there was zero connection.
> Nice to hear from you again, Fries, but I'm really sorry things aren't going better. My T is retiring in December and so far the "transition" is going really, really badly.
>
> I'm sorry you're still grieving for your T. Any contact at all?
>
> I'm thinking about you.
Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 20:46:36
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago and still grieving, posted by pegasus on July 15, 2009, at 11:06:34
oh my gosh, i can relate so much to what you said. the therapist was assigned to by my retiring therapist had such boundary issues it was impossible to work with her but she did listn to me talk about how i missed my old therapist. but even then, she didn't give the impression she understood what i was going through. and that stunk. my old therapist understood me really well. i hate therapists now and am furious with my old therapist for retiring. i was missing her tons today though. the longer i am away from her the more i miss her. thanks for listening and for sharing too.right now i don't even want a therapist because NONE measure up. i hate all of them and leave disgusted and messed up.
> I'm so sorry you're going through this. Of course you're still grieving a year later. It was a big relationship in your life.
>
> I lost my T to a move around 5 years ago, and I still miss him quite poignantly at times. I grieved deeply for . . . oh, I'd say around three years or so. It does get easier to go through life without them. But it's always going to be a loss. Especially when you have not been able to complete the work you were doing.
>
> I also tried to work with a T that my old T recommended. Even without the boundary crossing that you report, I had trouble with it. I found myself just being generally pissed off at her all the time for not being him. She wanted to talk about my relationship with her, which infuriated me. I wanted to talk about my relationship with *him*. I didn't want to even have a relationship with *her*. So, the whole thing was probably doomed from the beginning.
>
> I think it can take some time to be ready to really work with someone else again. And that's OK. The one thing that she did help me with was just having some place to express my grief. No one in the rest of my life understood or accepted it. It's especially hard to grieve when you can't share your grief with anyone, which pretty much describes most lost-of-T grief.
>
> But this is a good place for it. People here understand. Thank goodness for babble.
>
> peg
>
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 18, 2009, at 20:53:30
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago (Therapy girl), posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 20:43:59
Right now what we're doing is not meeting. I may go next week -- haven't decided for sure yet. We can't seem to agree on what I need to get through this time. My T lost her husband last fall, which I think is making it harder for her to deal with this effectively.
And it's just hard, as I know you know. I'm sorry as I can be that you have had to go through it, too.
Posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 21:11:19
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago (Therapy girl) » friesandcoke, posted by TherapyGirl on July 18, 2009, at 20:53:30
Oh wow, sounds familiar. When i found out my t was retiring and so forth i wanted to stop therapy right there and then. she suggested we stay in it together up until the end. and we did. the sessions at the end were not good though. she was very preoccupied with retiring. unless you have a darn good reason or reasons not to see her, i would say see her as often as you can. the fact her husband died does play a role as to how available she is to you during sessions. the therapist my "old" therapist referred me to was going through the same family crisis the whole year i was with her. it was to the point she was talking about it during session and i had to tell her i wasn't interested. outside traumas for a therapist do play a role in what happens in session but some are able to contain themselves and offer up an actual therapy session. something my "replacement therapist" was not able to do in my opinion. a lousy therapy session is a waste of time and then they are more and more frequent..well you get the point. you can terminate therapy with your therapist any time you want, even if she is retiring in Dec. i am not suggesting you do so, just noting that. i am on the fence. i want a therapist but i am feeling good getting by without one. but there are things i used to talk to my old T about and not having anyone to confide in is not good. have you and your T been doing alot of talking about the fact she is retiring? or has the loss of her husband really effected her ability in the sessions?
> Right now what we're doing is not meeting. I may go next week -- haven't decided for sure yet. We can't seem to agree on what I need to get through this time. My T lost her husband last fall, which I think is making it harder for her to deal with this effectively.
>
> And it's just hard, as I know you know. I'm sorry as I can be that you have had to go through it, too.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 19, 2009, at 19:47:15
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago (Therapy girl), posted by friesandcoke on July 18, 2009, at 21:11:19
Thanks, Fries. It helps to have your perspective. It is hard to imagine not having someone to check in with, particularly if the anxiety and depression come roaring back. But I'm afraid to even think about the process of trying to find a new T. It really terrifies me.
T has been good at other things this year -- I had a severe breakdown-type thing in January and she was my same old T. At the same time, anytime we talk about her retiring, she seems to have already left. And the closer we get to it, the worse that gets.
I think I'm going to try again next week, but it's hard to continually be frustrated about her responses. And yes, we've been trying to talk about it a lot. To no avail so far.
Posted by peddidle on July 20, 2009, at 17:02:28
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago (Therapy girl) » friesandcoke, posted by TherapyGirl on July 19, 2009, at 19:47:15
> Thanks, Fries. It helps to have your perspective. It is hard to imagine not having someone to check in with, particularly if the anxiety and depression come roaring back. But I'm afraid to even think about the process of trying to find a new T. It really terrifies me.
>
> T has been good at other things this year -- I had a severe breakdown-type thing in January and she was my same old T. At the same time, anytime we talk about her retiring, she seems to have already left. And the closer we get to it, the worse that gets.
**OMG I know how that feels-- like, just talking, or even thinking, about it makes you feel like you are already miles apart, even though you are sitting in the same room. Sorry, no tips on how to make that feeling go away-- just letting you know I understand.>
> I think I'm going to try again next week, but it's hard to continually be frustrated about her responses. And yes, we've been trying to talk about it a lot. To no avail so far.**If I can give you one piece of advice-- do as I say, and not as I do-- no matter how difficult it is, try as hard as you possibly can to talk about it. As you saw a few posts above, I refused to go there with my T, and as I do with everything that causes me anxiety/fear/discomfort, I did my best to avoid talking about it, despite the fact that she gave me more than enough opportunities to do so. Now I am living with the consequences, and regretting (as usual) not talking about it. I know that it still would have been painful to leave (what I don't understand is, I lost my best friend and, of course, no one expected me to just be OK with it, so why should I just "be OK" with losing another person who was a HUGE part of my life?), but as difficult as it may have been, I think it could have only helped to have talked about it more-- or at least, it certainly couldn't have hurt.
Sorry for the ramble, but PLEASE try to talk to her about it. You can try doing what I did-- I express myself a lot better in writing, so I got into the habit of keeping a journal along with my mood trackers, and I would email the entries to her before each session. Maybe it would be easier for you to write some things down and give them to her to read. Just a thought.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 20, 2009, at 17:51:46
In reply to Re: Therapist retired a year ago (Therapy girl) » TherapyGirl, posted by peddidle on July 20, 2009, at 17:02:28
Thanks, Pediddle. It is usually easier for me to write things down and I'll do it if this week doesn't work. For some reason, it seems really important to me to try to use my words now. Maybe just because it took so long for me to speak to her at all. But I will definitely keep trying -- I appreciate you sharing your experience with me and giving me advice from the other side.
((((((((Pediddle)))))))))
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.