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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 38. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
Disclaimer, this is not quite a health post or an eating post. I truly believe it is a /psycho/ post.
Before the holiday, T and I had been starting to do some work on body image, feeling safe, and feeling threatened. Self-esteem. He even had the nerve to say "One of the sexiest things a woman can do is to have self-confidence". This was in response to my telling him that I wanted to feel confident AND safe. Anyhoo... T has been sensitive about this stuff, and I *know* that I have a long ways to go concerning developing a healthier, more forgiving and kinder attitude towards my body-temple. This a.m. I worshiped at the temple with Ghiradelli brownies and Kenyan coffee. Feeling guilty, I made a cup of herbal tea to hydrate. now I feel yucky. I digress.
Synchronicity
I discovered a podcast by Renee Stephens called Inside Out Weight Loss. It's got a lot of good ideas on self-help tips (think CBT without the boring-ness) to help me understand my relationship with food, attitudes towards eating, and my ambivalence towards taking care of my external physical self.
I had a revelation before Xmas- why do I need to wait until I have a body that is some number of pounds before I start dressing "cute". So, I went on a miniskirt, tights and legwarmer shopping spree with my Xmas money (that would be buddhist Xmas, mind you *wink!)
So, I dressed cute, felt confident, etc. It was good. My family commented a tiny bit on it. Surpisingly, my mother declined to say anything pejorative. Previous comments have included "Are you sure you want to wear a skirt so short? What kind of message are you sending?" etc.
more synchronicity.
My mom told me last week that the lumps they removed from her thyroid a few weeks ago are malignant. She's got cancer. Her treatment involves radioactive iodine, and she has to be iodine-starved before she can begin treatment. That means special salt, no preserved foods, and many other restrictions. I noticed her SNEAKING food during the holidays. She'd wait until the kitchen was empty, and then go in, and come out licking a spoon or something. My mom is a true food addict. She watched us eat our holiday meals like an addict, despite having 80% of the exact same food on her own plate. Desserts were very difficult for her.
I'm pissed at her for not following her iodine diet strictly. This is her friggin' life.
I don't want to end up this way, but I have a lot of ambivalence about my body. Do you guys have any ideas about "foundational work" I can do with T? Ways I can bring this stuff up in therapy without wishing I was wearing a down coat and a sloppy sweatsuit. I HATE to talk about my body wearing a skirt, or even fitted clothing. So uncomfortable. My T is fit, and I know that he is very conscious to take care of his health. He is fit and trim, but in his late 60's (70?) etc. We do not share a gender or a generation. Can we possibly understand one another?
Scared for my mama
-Ll
Posted by Partlycloudy on December 31, 2008, at 9:10:22
In reply to Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
So sorry to hear of your mum's health problems. From what I've been experiencing with my own immediate family and my in-laws (I call them the out-laws), it's really hard to fight their battles for them. In every shape and form, from being compliant to, well.... being compliant. It's something they just have to do for themselves. Fine for us to express concern that they do just that, not fine to do anything beyond it, unless mental competence is an issue, and then you can probably talk to the doctors too.
Sorry that's not too encouraging. I see a lot of this behavior in my mother, and I just have to turn away. She knows exactly what she's doing in being non-compliant; she's a retired geriatric nurse.
***********
As to the body and esteem issues, wouldn't it be great if we were to be able to be happy with the bodies we had at any given moment? Wouldn't that just be *heaven*? I can't really imagine it. You could tell your T that you have a hard time relating to him on this issue because of his own fitness and perhaps age - this is something you might actually want to work with separately, with a woman, on. Like a workshop type thing. (My T and former T run such things several times a year and that's what has got me back to yoga before, which is really the ultimate in self-acceptance, also that running around the room Nia class, which was a hoot.)
I'm thinking a female-nurturing-tending and mending kind of environment might feel less threatening than the one on one therapeutic session. I've found them very enriching and good for my head as far as my body image is concerned.
pc
Posted by raisinb on December 31, 2008, at 10:04:33
In reply to Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
Llurpsie,
This is a hard issue. It sounds as if healthy, self-accepting urges are getting mixed up with more rigid, "this is bad" self-punishing type thoughts.It's completely possible to get through all this. About ten years ago, I'd probably have qualified for an anorexia diagnosis. I did not allow myself to weigh more than 90 lb and didn't menstruate for 2 years. Ran obsessively, etc. And now I'm about 90% (really!) free of those issues. Probably it wouldn't be helpful to take three webpages to describe everything that happened in between, but some bits of things I learned were (many apologies for the cliches btw)--
-it really isn't about your body or food--really. It's about the relationship you have with yourself. Try not to worry about what you eat, wear, don't, etc., as you piece through this stuff.
--body issues serve an emotional purpose (at least, they sure did for me). So unfortunately usually when we explore them, they get a lot more complicated than we thought (guess that's a corollary to #1) once we realize all the things we're packing into thinking about weight, etc.I truly think you should try to talk about it with your therapist, because it sounds like what he looks like sets off some bells in your head/emotions. His body symbolizes something to you. Not that this talk will be any fun at all.
Oh and btw, I (purely on a personal level--you may feel differently) would not find a male therapist's comments about what makes a woman sexy helpful at all. In these moments--brief though they may be--he is not acting like a therapist. If they bother you, you could consider asking him to can them.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 17:44:29
In reply to Re: Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer. » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on December 31, 2008, at 9:10:22
This is bothering me a lot. I feel like curling up in a little ball. Don't care so much about my eating or that stuff.
My mom has cancer.
what happens now?
Posted by seldomseen on December 31, 2008, at 18:17:12
In reply to cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 17:44:29
I'm sorry that your mom is ill llurpsie.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, if your gonna get a cancer, thyroid cancer is one of the better ones to get.
But the word cancer is out there, and there's no getting it back.
Distilling my experience with cancer, people (including those with the diagnosis) handle that word and its reprocussions in one of two ways.
There are those who take it all in at once. The enormity of it hits them and they just shut down. They may go through the motions, or they may leave entirely. It's a lot to digest and some people can't, don't or won't.
There are also those who take it day by day and don't look at the big picture. They approach treatment stepwise, from doctor visit to doctor visit almost. Their eye is only on the next step.
Neither is better, it just seems to partition out that way in my experience.
Most likely when your mom has her treatment, she will be admitted, receive her iodine 131, be radioactive for a couple of days, and come home. She will be slightly radioactive for up to 3 months. The response rate is very very high, the side effects are surprisingly minimal.
Cancer is a big deal, mom cancer is a really big deal.
We'll be here.
Seldom.
Posted by DAisym on December 31, 2008, at 18:34:21
In reply to cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 17:44:29
I'm sorry Lurpsie. I'd be terrified too. It is a role reversal no one should have to handle - moms are who we go to when bad things happen. I think you have to allow yourself to grieve some, and to cry some. And then you have to ask yourself, "what can I do that will help?" Help her, help yourself, help your family. And ask yourself honestly, what are you afraid of? I'd be afraid of having to take care of my dad - something I could not do. But you might be afraid of something else. Whatever your fears are, try not to judge them. Acknowledge them - don't beat yourself up.
It won't be easy. Have faith though. And I agree, we are here.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 18:38:30
In reply to Re: cancer. » llurpsienoodle, posted by DAisym on December 31, 2008, at 18:34:21
> I'm sorry Lurpsie. I'd be terrified too. It is a role reversal no one should have to handle - moms are who we go to when bad things happen. I think you have to allow yourself to grieve some, and to cry some. And then you have to ask yourself, "what can I do that will help?" Help her, help yourself, help your family. And ask yourself honestly, what are you afraid of? I'd be afraid of having to take care of my dad - something I could not do.
Yep. you got it exactly right. My senile, demented Aspergerish, aggressive, insulting, vulgar, crude, nasty dad, with his various bodily infirmities requires near constant care.
Shudder. I'm not even gonna go there.
>But you might be afraid of something else. Whatever your fears are, try not to judge them. Acknowledge them - don't beat yourself up.
>
> It won't be easy. Have faith though. And I agree, we are here.((((((DaisyM & babblers)))))))
crap, now I got some tears. Damn saline secretions. At least I'm not wearing eye makeup, well, none from today anyways.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 18:47:04
In reply to Re: cancer., posted by seldomseen on December 31, 2008, at 18:17:12
Thanks for your post, Seldom-- as usual, you manage to reassure me. I'm kinda skittish and panicky. Been *off* for a while now, but figured that it was the holidays. Now it catches up to me.
>
I'm sorry that your mom is ill llurpsie.
>
> I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, if your gonna get a cancer, thyroid cancer is one of the better ones to get.yes. It's not a surprise. Her thyroid hasn't been working since she was 18.
>
> But the word cancer is out there, and there's no getting it back.
>
> Distilling my experience with cancer, people (including those with the diagnosis) handle that word and its reprocussions in one of two ways.
>
> There are those who take it all in at once. The enormity of it hits them and they just shut down. They may go through the motions, or they may leave entirely. It's a lot to digest and some people can't, don't or won't.She's been through enough stuff with my dad that this seems to be rolling right off her back *seems* . yes. seems.
>
> There are also those who take it day by day and don't look at the big picture. They approach treatment stepwise, from doctor visit to doctor visit almost. Their eye is only on the next step.
>Yes, this seems more likely. She was this way when my dad was critically ill, and she continues to think of the next step. yes.
> Neither is better, it just seems to partition out that way in my experience.
>
> Most likely when your mom has her treatment, she will be admitted, receive her iodine 131, be radioactive for a couple of days, and come home. She will be slightly radioactive for up to 3 months. The response rate is very very high, the side effects are surprisingly minimal.
>Yes, she has already had the complete thyroidectomy (is that the right word?). Her tumor was well-encapsulated, but it's a mix of two forms of cancer. one of which is slightly more aggressive.
She *would* be getting her iodine today, except that she screwed up her diet and will be screened for TSH levels next week (they have to be through the roof) to see if she's iodine-absorbant enough. My mom, the sponge for radiation. She has a great endocrinologist, but some complications (a hematoma) from her surgery 2 mos ago. Her neck is healing well now, however.
Without thyroid hormone, she feels like CRAP and sounds like crap. my mom... poor mom.
> Cancer is a big deal, mom cancer is a really big deal.
>
> We'll be here.
>
> Seldom.Thanks seldom, you help me make some sense here. really
-Ll
Posted by seldomseen on December 31, 2008, at 19:22:36
In reply to Re: cancer. » seldomseen, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 18:47:04
You always make sense here llurps.
I'm confident that your mom will receive the best care and will come out of this okay.
Everyone is always concerned for the patient, but cancer is a *family* diagnosis with all the trimmings.
Frankly, I'm concerned for you. Use all of your support systems and take care of yourself. It's perfectly alright, IMO, to engage as much or as little as you feel comfortable.
It's all okay, and I've got a feeling it will end up really really well.
Seldom.
Posted by jammerlich on December 31, 2008, at 19:33:36
In reply to Re: cancer. » seldomseen, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 18:47:04
Llurpsie, I don't even know what to say. This is big, big stuff. Just know I'm thinking about you and sending warm hugs if you want them.
(((((Llurpsie)))))
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 19:43:28
In reply to Re: cancer., posted by jammerlich on December 31, 2008, at 19:33:36
I like jammer hugs, thank you
It's okay not to know what to say. I don't even know what to FEEL.
(((((((jammer))))))))
It's okay if I hug you back?
Posted by Nadezda on December 31, 2008, at 20:32:30
In reply to Re: cancer. » jammerlich, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 19:43:28
Gosh Llurps. I'm so sorry. This is tough. How mind-bendingly more tough it is to watch while someone you care about isn't doing all they can-- when it's so important-- and when you know what they need to do, but can only sit there and watch while they just won't do it for themselves.
It's terrifying and disempowering-- especially when you're already afraid and there's so much at stake.
I guess maybe you have to accept that your mother can't be the perfect patient-- but I hope you do know that she'll get through this -okay --fortunately--. Even though it's awful to have to contemplate all the things that can run through your mind-- she will do enough of what she has to-- maybe not as soon as might be hoped, or as fully-- but you know, maddening as this is-- we're all this way, in our own, ill-chosen moments.
Just try to hang in there-- and take care of yourself!!
And you know: Why not just wear one of those jumbo-tire parkas to your appointment? Maybe it will break the ice.... or, well, maybe not: maybe it's too silly. But I think your T would get a laugh out of it. Or just some subtly loose-fitting clothes-- not a bathrobe or anything, but just something you can hide in a bit, at least for a while? Why not--if you're more comfortable? I say do it however you can. (Okay-- maybe not a bathrobe, but you know, within reason...)
(((Llurps)))
Nadezda
Posted by jammerlich on December 31, 2008, at 20:41:08
In reply to Re: cancer. » jammerlich, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 19:43:28
Of course. A LlurpsieHug would be especially nice.
Posted by Phillipa on December 31, 2008, at 21:41:18
In reply to Re: cancer. » llurpsienoodle, posted by jammerlich on December 31, 2008, at 20:41:08
I agree with seldomseen since have thyroid problems there are various support websites that explain all the different types of cancer. And do know how it feels when thyroid meds aren't correct as one year later mine still not right. So they removed thyroid and their was other tissue surrounding involved or is it precautionary? Did she have Graves first? Some Throid stuff not to scare you is hereditary as if it's hasimotos thyroiditis to start then it's autoimmun did she have TPO antibodies? Personal experiences nurse worked with had thyroid cancer did fine and neighbors friend in Florida just had the same thing. I'd seriously put your mind at rest and google thyroid cancer. Seriously. Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 22:41:00
In reply to Re: cancer., posted by Phillipa on December 31, 2008, at 21:41:18
Hi Phillipa,
Mom's thyroid has always been broken, for about 40 years now. Hypothyroid all the way.She has a small encapsulated tumor, <1cm diameter, with no apparent lymph node involvement (apparent...)
Whatever she's got has been stable since she was 18, until this past 6 mos when her she developed rapidly growing nodules. ))))nodules((((
-Ll
my thyroid always checks out fine 4 times now.
Posted by Phillipa on December 31, 2008, at 23:32:49
In reply to Re: cancer. » Phillipa, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 22:41:00
Great as I always tell all my kids watch theirs as neice, her brother, me all have it. Yes the nodules they ultrasound and keep an eye on them. I've not been ultrasound but they the endo feels none neice does have nodule and diabeties when she gets pregnant. I seriously think your Mom will be fine. I won't tell you not to worry as that is something a lot of people would do I feel. Happy New Year Lurpsie!!!!!!
Posted by muffled on January 1, 2009, at 0:20:51
In reply to Re: cancer. » Phillipa, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 22:41:00
Llurpy, this is scarey, but it sounds like they on top of it and all.
Sorry you having this bad time.
((((((((((((((safe hugs)))))))))))))
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2009, at 8:27:25
In reply to Re: cancer. » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on January 1, 2009, at 0:20:51
You guys are wonderful. I wept real salty salty tears when I read your caring posts. Thank you.
I will keep you posted how I'm doing.
a panic attack a day means probably klonopinning
and I'll call my T tomorrow first thing. I value his rare holidays.
-Ll
Posted by antigua3 on January 1, 2009, at 9:24:55
In reply to to all, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2009, at 8:27:25
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2009, at 17:12:25
In reply to Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
I took 1mg of klonopin while at the mall, feeling very very conspicuous and ugly and bad all over. this is a frequent aura for a panic attack. So, perhaps I've mitigated it?
Who knows. I'm tired, but calm for now. I'm calling T tomorrow. I wonder if he's working...?
-Ll
Posted by fayeroe on January 1, 2009, at 20:36:39
In reply to cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 17:44:29
Your mom wants you to take care of yourself.
No one knows what will happen now and you've got my love and support.....we'll hope for the best and if you wanna talk, you know where I'm at. xoxoxo Pat
Posted by Sigismund on January 2, 2009, at 0:38:27
In reply to Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
I had a lovely old friend, now dead, who was given radioactive iodine for an overactive thyroid.
She threw it up in the gutter, and when she told them they were really concerned for the whereabouts of the vomit.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 2, 2009, at 8:18:31
In reply to to all, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2009, at 8:27:25
Well, this is crappy, very crappy.
I even feel pangs of depression, and certainly anxiety. I don't feel comfortable driving while klonopinned, so that pretty much eliminates THAT option.
I feel that horrible combo of jittery, agitated and drowsy.
I put in a call to my T. left a message. basically said "hope your holidays were nice. Mine weren't so good. My mom has cancer. I was hoping you could call me back."
so now the waiting game. ugh. And I know that my T is inconsistent on the phone. Sometimes he sounds quite awkward, and other times he is very acute. I hope he's on his game this time.
(((((T)))))
I'm knitting the 2nd sock. I cannot find my tapestry needle to do the kitchener grafting on my first sock (that's what you do to close the end of the toe off.
so far so good. The self-patterning yarn color stripes are lining up from one pair to another.
Anything to get the fidgeties out, right?
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 2, 2009, at 8:57:24
In reply to Eating issues and Therapy. Iodine. cancer., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 31, 2008, at 7:25:59
one thing about having 90% remission of anxiety over the past 8mos or so is that I have forgotten how to implement strategies that will lessen my distress.
So far this stuff hasn't affected my functioning at work, but my hands are shaking so badly, I'm not sure anymore :(
-Ll
Posted by fayeroe on January 2, 2009, at 8:59:31
In reply to Re: to all, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 2, 2009, at 8:18:31
This, too, will pass in time. You will find the needle and finish the wonderful socks. I wish I could knit or crochet.
I won't drive when I take Xanax. I know that feeling......I almost T-boned a car full of people New Year's Eve. He was in the left lane and suddenly pulled over in front of me across my lane. I stopped 6 inches from their car. All I saw in my headlights were little baby's faces. I followed them for 18 miles and when he finally stopped, there were 11 people in the little car! I was furious and very scared. Glad I wasn't on Xanax.
Your T better call you back! That's what Ts are for. Sending you love this a.m., xoxox pat
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