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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on December 30, 2008, at 20:07:10
In my thread above, I was adamant about going in and facing my anger with my pdoc. To a certaint extent, it was helpful.
I did go in and say, "I'm angry and upset but I'm not going to run away; now what do we do" and then acknowledged that this has been my pattern in the past when I've felt like a T was getting too close, or I was letting them get too close. (This isn't my regular T; it was two others for adjunct therapy. I ditched them both when it became too uncomfortable.)
My pdoc wasn't surprised at all, and he tried to help me bring the anger out. But I couldn't do it. He asked me to try and verbalize what I'd say to my father if he were still alive, or even now that he's dead, but that stopped me completely. I said I couldn't do it and we talked about why, etc.
Toward the end, he said, "I thought this time you were really going to do it," and then commented on how strong my defenses really were.
In any case, it was probably our best session ever. I didn't walk out mad; I felt much better than I did going on. But I stil couldn't do it. It would have been inappropriate to aim it at him for no reason, knowing that it's not him I'm really mad at.
I said it's like an abscess, it has to come out. He agreed with that analogy and said it couldn't be fixed w/meds etc., it had to be excised out and then healed. I agree.
He asked what would be the worst that could happen, and I couldn't come up w/an answer until the end: I would feel ashamed, and afraid of what he would think of me.
There's so much more, but I'm exhausted. And then the kicker--which I thought would have sent me running away--he said to call him when I felt it was coming out and he would fit me in as soon as possible instead of waiting for my next appt in two weeks time.
That totally unnerved me, but he knew why: that meant I would have to trust him to be there and reasonably available, but harder still, to ask him for help.
I told him this was totally out of character and could ruin everything. How can I hate someone like that?
I don't know. I keep hearing, "I really thought you were going to do it this time by the way you came in, but your defenses protected you." Ha, he was impressed by my defenses. And we talked about all this anxiety and agitation I'm feeling, and he said it's coming out, and he would be there for me. Yuck!!!
antigua
Posted by Dinah on December 30, 2008, at 22:18:01
In reply to Well, I tried w/my pdoc, posted by antigua3 on December 30, 2008, at 20:07:10
I'm not really an expert on anger, so I can't really comment on that part.
But I did want to say that I'm really glad that the relationship between the two of you has developed to this point. It warms my heart.
Posted by raisinb on December 31, 2008, at 9:43:26
In reply to Well, I tried w/my pdoc, posted by antigua3 on December 30, 2008, at 20:07:10
I agree with Dinah--the progress you two have made is impressive and wonderful.
I *think* I've experienced the disconnect you're talking about--intense anger (partly transference-based) but being unable to express it to such a reasonable professional once inside the walls. I wish sometimes that my therapist would just be the complete a****le that I often perceive her to be, just so things would be clear and I could let out all my emotions inside the sessions.
I'm amazed at how hard you have worked with him, despite the struggle. And I can see how unnerving it must be to have him express caring and availability. So often it's much easier for me *not* to hear things like that. Congratulations on your progress.
Posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 11:07:16
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » antigua3, posted by Dinah on December 30, 2008, at 22:18:01
Thanks so much, Dinah. I know many people have been skeptical of my relationship w/him (not saying you!) and wondered why I kept going. I've realized now that I missed a lot along the way, or at least I wasn't ready to "see" him. He has been pretty rotten at times, but he seems to understand better now.
That said, I'm terrified that the other shoe is going to drop. Getting connected and caring means I risk abandonment and loss. And that is what will happen after I get through this w/him. He will abandon me and I will feel the loss. All I have to go on is that if we work hard enought at it, it won't feel the same.
thanks again, and Happy New Year!
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 11:15:21
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » antigua3, posted by raisinb on December 31, 2008, at 9:43:26
It is hugely unnerving. I much prefer the more stand-offish, critical pdoc. I'm still angry at myself for caring, and petrified for his caring in return, but I can't turn back. Well, I could, and have thought about it in spades since I saw him last night (see what great defenses I have!).
I think, maybe he is going to have to provoke me. It won't be too difficult. Or I could bring up that ever present argument that we "don't" have a relationship. That really gets me going.
I want to crawl under a rock for a while. I've been so productive, cheery, whatever for the holidays and I don't want to be that way anymore. I want some peace!
I don't want this type of relationship. It feels entirely too unsafe, not to mention extremely one-sided. It's always been "my way" or the highway w/him, and to a certain extent that's still true, but the boundaries have been broadened just a bit. But there's such a risk there; I'm not sure I want to take it on.
As you can tell, things look a little differently to me this morning. I'm not sure it's worth it. I don't want to lance that abscess because it will hurt too much. Yes, I know it will be better in the long run, but oh, the price I will pay.
Sorry to be blue when you said such nice things to say. I appreciate it.
Happy New Year to you, too.
antigua
Posted by raisinb on December 31, 2008, at 16:21:35
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » raisinb, posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 11:15:21
Don't apologize! You have every right to feel distrustful of him. Shoot, I'd have left with a parting "f**ck you!" ages ago :)
Happy New Year. I hope you can let this go and enjoy the holiday for awhile.
Posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 17:35:29
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » antigua3, posted by raisinb on December 31, 2008, at 16:21:35
Thank you. IMO, this couldn't have come at a worst time, during this holiday, but maybe my feeling that is important, too.
I have left him w/that attitude many times, and that's the way I feel today. Back to being consumed by the thoughts of all this. Do I dare say I prefer the agitation over the depression? Denial is kicking in big time.
antigua
Posted by DAisym on December 31, 2008, at 18:04:06
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » raisinb, posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 17:35:29
I actually prefer the depression over the aggitation - I don't feel like I have to *do* anything. Whan I'm anxious, I want to smack something.
I think you did a great job with your anger. You opened the door to being able to express it when you feel it. Like many things, it won't be there when you want it to be - but now you can (better) allow it when it peaks out. I often want my therapist to provoke me, or to fight back so I can come out swinging. Instead, he so reasonable accepts it that I find I'm arguing with myself! That said, there have been more storms in recent months, they sometimes come out of nowhere.
Try not to feel pressured by his "I thought you were really going to do it." I see it as another way he wants to help you.
And yes, caring is scary. I'm currently working at showing my therapist all the reasons he shouldn't care about me and shouldn't show it. Imagine how I will feel if he agrees! :(
Sounds like you need to take the next few days and just pull in a bit. Find a quiet spot and read or clean out your closet. I'm planning on doing this also.
Happy New Year.
Posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2008, at 21:11:05
In reply to Re: Well, I tried w/my pdoc » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 31, 2008, at 18:04:06
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your support.
I can't crawl into a cave because my son is coming home on Friday and of all things, we're going to have out-of-town company at the same time. So, I have to be perky.
I will probably feel better tomorrow. Saw my T today and had those reminders again that she's not quite as with it as she used to be, or maybe just not for now. She spent 90 minutes with me, trying to help sort out my feelings about my pdoc, but I really feel like I'm caught in a mother/father dynamic of my own making. Brings back too much.
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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