Posted by antigua3 on December 30, 2008, at 20:07:10
In my thread above, I was adamant about going in and facing my anger with my pdoc. To a certaint extent, it was helpful.
I did go in and say, "I'm angry and upset but I'm not going to run away; now what do we do" and then acknowledged that this has been my pattern in the past when I've felt like a T was getting too close, or I was letting them get too close. (This isn't my regular T; it was two others for adjunct therapy. I ditched them both when it became too uncomfortable.)
My pdoc wasn't surprised at all, and he tried to help me bring the anger out. But I couldn't do it. He asked me to try and verbalize what I'd say to my father if he were still alive, or even now that he's dead, but that stopped me completely. I said I couldn't do it and we talked about why, etc.
Toward the end, he said, "I thought this time you were really going to do it," and then commented on how strong my defenses really were.
In any case, it was probably our best session ever. I didn't walk out mad; I felt much better than I did going on. But I stil couldn't do it. It would have been inappropriate to aim it at him for no reason, knowing that it's not him I'm really mad at.
I said it's like an abscess, it has to come out. He agreed with that analogy and said it couldn't be fixed w/meds etc., it had to be excised out and then healed. I agree.
He asked what would be the worst that could happen, and I couldn't come up w/an answer until the end: I would feel ashamed, and afraid of what he would think of me.
There's so much more, but I'm exhausted. And then the kicker--which I thought would have sent me running away--he said to call him when I felt it was coming out and he would fit me in as soon as possible instead of waiting for my next appt in two weeks time.
That totally unnerved me, but he knew why: that meant I would have to trust him to be there and reasonably available, but harder still, to ask him for help.
I told him this was totally out of character and could ruin everything. How can I hate someone like that?
I don't know. I keep hearing, "I really thought you were going to do it this time by the way you came in, but your defenses protected you." Ha, he was impressed by my defenses. And we talked about all this anxiety and agitation I'm feeling, and he said it's coming out, and he would be there for me. Yuck!!!
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:871497
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871497.html