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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 12:08:58
do you all ever go to session with SO much that you need to discuss that you feel like you can't talk at all?
i'm like that today. i'm actually quite irritable i think because of it.
i have several things going on in day to day that i really need to talk to her about, but there are 'lingering' issues that i need to discuss also.
i also feel, that, well....'parts' of me feel neglected and like if they dont get to come out and talk that i will explode!so do i manage myself and let my parts talk, or do i discuss the immediate things that are going on in my life.
...and speaking of that..why do i seem to make an emergency out of certain things? things that maybe important but not urgent feel urgent to me. like i don't have enough time to say what i need to say.i keep thinking...part of me feels...well,
that i'm running out of time. i feel like i've only got so much time left and i need to do certain things.
now, i'm not depressed and i'm not WANTING to die, but somehow i keep getting these recurring 'feelings', or thoughts that "I'm running out of time".********************
so anyway. i'm not even sure what i'm asking.
just need to vent i guess.
sorry.b2c.
Posted by rskontos on December 18, 2008, at 12:43:37
In reply to SO much to talk about, not enough..., posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 12:08:58
Yep to all the above.
I told my t once I had too much to discuss and one hour wasn't enough so why get into any of it. He had to pry it out of me.
I think my sadness sometimes comes from those neglected parts.
My best advice is either write it all down. Or just let come what may and see who thinks they are the most important.
I don't know i am not good at this priority thing.
rsk
you know if T is good let her do the prying like my t did. We did have a good session that time. Just a thought
Posted by Phillipa on December 18, 2008, at 13:25:46
In reply to Re: SO much to talk about, not enough... » B2chica, posted by rskontos on December 18, 2008, at 12:43:37
You know I feel appointments maybe for two hours less often would be better more time to discuss of course still need a new one. But what are your thoughts on this? Love Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 15:57:58
In reply to SO much to talk about, not enough..., posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 12:08:58
i feel like a pile of mush. please i need you all so much right now.
i need the only 'real' family i have (you babblers) to circle around me and stand guard. i feel very open and unsafe right now.i just got out of session and barely made it here to the library to get online. i started VERY slowly, told her it was hard to talk, she tried to find out why...hard to start, not sure what to say, too much...."YES" i said. to all.
i started talking about some of the little things, then we got moved onto 'family' and whats going on right now.
i'm HIGHLY vulnerable to depression and suicide attempts this time of year.
but i was able to make it through thanksgiving with sanity relatively intact, i guess it's just all hitting the fan now.
i have my dads' extended family this sat. (of which i'll probably have to miss a graduation get together for my 'best' friend)
then DH side for x-mas eve and my immediate side for xmas day.then i started stressing about WHY i didn't want to get together with them and Yep, littleone barreled out. Then to h@ll with the subject of Christmas stress she decided to blurt out another abuse episode(s) regarding a childhood game.
Then after she was done telling and heard some things that helped her (h@ll if i know what that was) i switched back to freaky me, but she was just at the surface...i couldn't hold her back she kept barrelling out! i tried SOOOO HARD to keep her in.
T was telling me she can talk next time but that wasn't good enough. so out she came again and started crying...finally T came close and talks like she does to her and told her that she wants to hear from her but it needs to continue next time. not right now. that she cares what she says (or something or rather...not really sure what she said) anyway i never really switched back. middleone came out ducked her head down and would NOT look at T. made T leave out the door first.
we snuck out the back door and i went down the back exit, but stopped on the stairs to just 'get my barrings'.(to allow myself to switch as necessary...usually when i relax a little i can come back to me).
Still fuzzy i got in the car and drove straight here.ALL i could think about was the image of all you forming a circle around me. protecting me.
you...my REAL familly. ones that know my secrets, know my struggles and accept me anyway. Dont ridicule me, don't disbelieve me, dont call me a liar. and dont form judgements!!!i desperately need to be here right now. i'm sorry its so long but i'm trying to 'get back' so that i can drive to the daycare to pick up my IRL little one.
i just want to cower under a desk right now. curl up inside myself, chin to knees and stay that way all night.
maybe IRL little one will go to bed a little early tonight and i can have some 'down time' and watch an old movie or something...**********
littleone's pounding messages into my head right now. she wants to tell you: i just want help right now. will you help me? T left me. i'm scared. i'm sad. i'm alone...
i love you.
Posted by muffled on December 18, 2008, at 21:08:21
In reply to omg, i exploded...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 15:57:58
B2, its really hard with sessions and sharing and stuff.
Its really hard to feel the intensity of the others.
Its really hard jsut that they even THERE.
Its hard when you got 2 track(or more) thinking.
Its just hard.
BUT its not like this all the time. You need to remember that. The kid needs to know that too, that she has to take turns or it just gets noisy and then nobody gets heard. If she waits her turn, she will be heard.
Can you make a nice place where she might be willing to go to when its someone elses turn? Maybe you and her could make a picture of it, and you could lv it at T and she can see it when its time for her to go play elsewhere.
Its also hard when we have no time to kinda process after session. I really hate that.
I ahope you can get some time to sit down and figger out whats comming from where. I dunno why, but I find it really helps quieten my head when I figger out who is expressing what, and possibly why. It seems like once they know they have been heard it helps. Its not so easy to figger out though lotsa times.
Will your T take email? That has been useful to me in a number of ways. But there needs to be clear rules and expectations around it.
Its stressful with all this family stuff for sure. Try and get out of what you can. If your feeling real bad, just leave, you just say your sick. I done that before. One year O just holed up in a room and wouldn't come out. Everybody was mad at me, but I couldn't explain. Thats why its best to just say you have a migrain or sick or something cuz THAT people seem to understand.
I have in the past allowed my little one to listen to T's message, T would send one on VM. Sometimes they were not so good. Sometimes they were perfect! Then we would listen many many many times.
Anyhow, glad you got a good T.
Take good care,
M
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 7:51:04
In reply to Re: omg, i exploded...**Trigger**, posted by muffled on December 18, 2008, at 21:08:21
thank you muffled.
i'm glad someone responded. i'm feeling a little abandoned right now.
the hard thing for me is i'll be off work for two weeks with the holidays and such, so i wont have internet access. i'm scared to be without babble right now. i might go to the library monday but we're leavng out of town tuesday and wont be back till after xmas. so maybe this monday and the next i can sneak into the library? and talk to you guys.i really need support right now, i feel like i have none.
**************************
last night after session when i went home i was so still 'out of it', you know kind of lingering between worlds and even DH knew i must have had a bad session, so i just curled up on our big chair and stayed there. DH went in the other room to start some laundry and my DD saw me curled up on the chair, came up to me and full handed slapped me, i couldn't even look at her i immediately 'switched' to littleone and started crying, FULL crying like she does, so i put my head down even further (burried in chair). then DD must have been upset that i was crying because she started to hit my head and wouldn't stop. i couldn't switch back to stop her...i was getting flashbacks visual and emotional.
i think that's what 'froze me'.
DD finally stopped and DH came in to see what was going on. me (as littleone) bawled to DH and told him what she did. luckily then he kind of took over, he disciplined her (timeout till she said sorry to me)part of me thinks she knew i wasnt myself, that's why she came after me.
write me off the rest of the night. i was a lump the rest of the night. i was able to get up and put her to bed, but that's about all i did.
i stayed curled up on that chair and didn't move.*******************
today i'm feeling sad, lonely, still somewhat dissociated...and just sad.
i'm just sad.
i'm sad.
i feel bad, icky inside.i hate this, its stupid.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:05:01
In reply to SO much to talk about, not enough..., posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 12:08:58
This feeling of urgency - of running out of time - has it anything to do with an impending break in therapy? I saw my T today and now have a 2 week break - actually a 3 week break because I'll see him once again in the new year then he's away again for another week. Or is the feeling something you've had for a while? Do you feel in control of yourself - is there any risk something might happen to endanger your life, some part of you that you sense but don't quite grasp? I feel worried for you - I hope you can at least tell your T about this bit.
I suppose the obvious thing to suggest is to arrange a longer appointment or an extra one to give you time to get it all out. I don't know if this is feasible but you shouldn't be afraid to ask if it is.
Witti
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 9:20:01
In reply to Re: SO much to talk about, not enough... » B2chica, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:05:01
its not me. i in no way want to injure myself (for once).
its this 'paranoid' feeling i get. i've had it pretty much as long as i can remember. it comes and goes. it can leave for as long as about 9-10months, then bam, there it is again.
i even remember being a young girl 10 or so and have feelings like this.
it just seems to be a little worse these last few years because it kicks up anxiety.BELIVE me i wanted to tell my T, but session took another direction.
there were several more issues i felt pressing but just couldn't fit them all in. other parts kinda kicked in and i lost the rest of the session and didn't cover 'my issues', but hers.but dont worry, i'm a little better from those impending doom feelings today. the feelings, when they come, are just very frightening and can be overwhelming.
now i think i'm just so drained from yesterday that i cant feel much of anything.However, you may be right. it could have to do with our break. and also i wont have daily internet access like i do at work. since i'll be away for the next two weeks.so i feel away from babble too.
Thank you witty.
i'm not sure how my thoughts are coming out, sorry if muttled. i'm still feeling a little 'out of sorts' since yesterday.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:22:01
In reply to omg, i exploded...**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 15:57:58
(Ok, I replied to your first post and will reply to the other 2 separately, otherwise there's too much to respond to in one go - hope it makes some sense)
(((((B2chica)))))) - I'm sorry you don't feel supported. That's a very difficult feeling to have especially when you feel so vulnerable.
It's horrible when you desperately need to talk but can't and feel like bursting. I'm sorry your session didn't go better than it did. Will you have the chance to see her again before the holiday break?
Please keep safe over Xmas - please try to force yourself into situations where you can't act on those suicidal impulses - I know it's hard but please try to protect yourself. Life really is too precious to lose it.
I'm trying my best to understand how frustrating and disparaging it must be to feel out of control while in session as different parts emerge - I don't experience this so can only stand from the side and try and show my empathy for what you are going through. I'm really sorry - it sucks :( - but clearly littleone needed to speak, even if it didn't suit the timing.
I like the image of a circle of babblers (the family) forming a protective circle around you. Cradling you. I think for many of us, this is our last week of work/study before the Christmas break and so we aren't as attentive as normal (probably that doesn't offer much comfort but we are still here).
Can I write a message to littleone? I'd love to give you a big hug and let you stay some time here , where it's safe. I'm going to decorate my Christmas tree tonight and you're welcome to join in, or just hide under the branches among the presents, wrapped in a warm blanket. I've also got a big friendly puppy who loves to give kisses or bring a ball that you can throw and he'll retrieve 100 times! He'll happily keep watch over you, keep you safe.
Witti
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:29:22
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger** » muffled, posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 7:51:04
The story of what happened to you last night with your DD and being so helpless and defenseless made me feel very sad. You do sound so alone right now :(
I think it's a great idea to take some time out for yourself - to town or to the library so you can keep in touch with your on-line family.
I'm glad your DH did come and rescue the situation, albeit a little too late :(
I think you're right - children are very sensitive to these things - I expect she was reacting to you and that's what triggered this behaviour. Perhaps there is a place you can set-aside for yourself in the house where you can go and hide without this happening. Does your DH understand what's going on - I don't know to what extent he knows about all this, but if he does, is there some kind of sign you can make to indicate that you are inside yourself and need a time-out?
Be safe, be kind to yourself.
I'm holding you in my thoughts.
Witti
Posted by rskontos on December 19, 2008, at 9:43:29
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:29:22
B2C
Sorry I wasn't around. I was feeling really bad and went to bed very early last night. My bad.
I know about the others taking over. My t said it is on purpose because they don't feel comfortable sometimes with what you are going to say. I think that is so true. I often think of what I am going to say on the way or in the shower and it is right on target and get to therapy and my brain is so muddled with just junk. I told him and he said of course they are getting in the way. They don't trust me to understand and don't feel safe.
I am so glad this t understands and handles it like she does.
I am sorry that you left like you did. But I do know feeling like that. I have sat in my car and cried like a baby for the longest time. I know it was the youngest one letting go of hurts I just don't have the memories for and maybe I don't want them.
I know how you feel about being around family. If I had to be around my father. Well I just dont go visit him right now. I can't.
I wish you did not have to do that.
and my son is like your daughter. Although he is 16 so he would not react like your little girl, he will say things like I hate it when you act this way.
The other day he started asking me about multiple personality disorders. I explained in third person. I just could not go there.
I think like Witti, going to the library to get away from family is a good idea too.
If you can go to your room or get away is good idea.
Or tell them you have diarrhea no one will get near you then. Nor will they offer to help.
take sweetie, and if i can help in anyway, let me know.
oh yeah, tell littleone I love her too, and the field with the ponies is a good place to go when it isn't her time to talk.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 11:10:13
In reply to Re: omg, i exploded...**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 19, 2008, at 9:22:01
> Can I write a message to littleone? I'd love to give you a big hug and let you stay some time here , where it's safe. I'm going to decorate my Christmas tree tonight and you're welcome to join in, or just hide under the branches among the presents, wrapped in a warm blanket. I've also got a big friendly puppy who loves to give kisses or bring a ball that you can throw and he'll retrieve 100 times! He'll happily keep watch over you, keep you safe.
you have no idea what that does for me.(us)
you made me cry. those thoughts and images are just what i think i needed.
thnk u so much w
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 11:20:17
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger**B2C, posted by rskontos on December 19, 2008, at 9:43:29
sorry you werent feeling good last night. hpe things are better now.
and i think littleone has been wanting to come out and talk for the last couple weeks and i just had other things so she hasn't. i think part of her got mad. because she felt ignored.
but also uncomfortable about all i was going to talk about.im glad you dont have to be around your father rsk. and luckily i do have buffers now when i see my brother, 1)usually those get-togethers never last long a few hours maybe. 2)his wife and kid are there and i can focus on them 3)my IRL littleone is there and i can just focus on her.
ya, i think kids get it. i was just so surprised at her actions. i mean she really looked at me and acted out to me like she didn't know me. or she was angry.
part of it was hard too because some of the topic in session was not letting DH know about my CSA. he knows about my assaults in HS but nothing about when i was a kid. and he sees my 'parts' but doesn't know anything other than i'm being moody. (ha)
and wow, i'd be taken so off guard if my kid asked me about DID. does he KNOW?
and your comment about the diarrhea make me laugh. but it is a good one!
***************
i love the ponies idea but i can never seem to remember when i need it.
ill try.
thank you so much.
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 11:23:08
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger**B2C, posted by rskontos on December 19, 2008, at 9:43:29
i just heard back from my T. i wasn't sure she'd see my email today as i know she's swamped. but she did reply. i told her about what transpired yesterday after the session.
she did say that she too was uncomfortable with the way i left. and told me she's leaving out of town tomorrow till wed. but that i can feel free to call or email her. (although her response may not be that quick)
so i feel better about being able to do that.thank you all so much.
i still need that babble circle though. i'm still feeling really vulnerable.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on December 19, 2008, at 13:47:17
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger** » muffled, posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 7:51:04
arrrggh lost my reply, it was long and goto go now.
Just quickly I say to take care.
DD is HARD complex CONFUSING.
BUT it IS workable.
The very fact you have DD is a sign of your ability to cope.
I found is hugely useful to do the mapping and to figger who does what etc. Then we can work together better.
SH*T damn, goto go,
just trust that you CAN take care.
You got a hard road, but you CAN do it.
I got lots more to say but I really goto go.
Just wanted you to know I here w/you.
((((B2)))
M
Posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 15:21:38
In reply to Re: i got slapped...**Trigger**, posted by muffled on December 19, 2008, at 13:47:17
Posted by lucie lu on December 19, 2008, at 19:28:31
In reply to Re: i got slapped...T emailed, posted by B2chica on December 19, 2008, at 11:23:08
b2c - dammit! Wish I'd logged on earlier, now you won't be on again until monday at the earliest. I've been struggling a bit myself lately, and I know the holidays can just amplify whatever stresses you're already feeling plus add a few. It is also hard when RL plans, e.g. with family, make it hard to feel connected to those who we may feel really safe with and comforted by.I wish you were not feeling so vulnerable right now but know at least that you really do have people here (including me!) who care about you and are thinking about you and wishing you loving thoughts. Maybe you can make a bracelet and on each bead, put one of our names? Then we can be with you even when you are not internet accessible. And then we really can encircle you.
(((((((((((b2c))))))))))))))))
Feliz navidad, amiga.
Love, Lucie
Posted by B2chica on December 22, 2008, at 11:00:40
In reply to Re: i got slapped...T emailed » B2chica, posted by lucie lu on December 19, 2008, at 19:28:31
This is the end of the thread.
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