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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
I hesitate to write this because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my T. But... I'm concerned.
The last couple of weeks my T has been really scatterbrained. She has called me up to 3 times the day before my appt to verify the appt time, and she seems to have forgotten that we've already verified it. We do usually speak the day before to verify the time because it tends to vary, but this is worrying me. Last night, on the second phone call, after which we had already confirmed, she said something like, "You're coming here, right?" I was taken aback, and worried, because we never meet anywhere else.
I mentioned somewhere else that her beloved dog died, so that could account for some of this. But after last night, my alarm has gone off. I am going to assume it's grief and try to talk to her today, but she didn't act this way when something much more major occurred in her life earlier in our "career" together.
It's fearful to think that my rock isn't as stable as she used to be, or as much as I need her. I do tend to feel like I'm taking care of her, which is a pattern w/my mother.
In contrast, my pdoc has made great strides recently in solidifying our relationship. He has now made it very clear that he is there if I need him, even if it's on the weekend, etc. This is a big move for us and I appreciate his support. I'm going through some med changes that are much more difficult than I expected (or he expected either--where's Poet? He needs a cyberslap for saying there would be "no" withdrawal)
So, while I'm glad about my pdoc, I'm really worried about my T. Anyone ever had something like this happen to them?
antigua
Posted by FindingMyDesire on December 3, 2008, at 11:25:36
In reply to T Crisis, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
Antigua,
Whoa, does seem natural to be concerned. Especially if you already have feelings like you do some care taking with her. Could definitely be the grief. But there has to be a way to bring this up with her and get some straight answers about her unusual/changed behavior.I hear that you need your rock!
FMD
Posted by Phillipa on December 3, 2008, at 13:07:50
In reply to Re: T Crisis, posted by FindingMyDesire on December 3, 2008, at 11:25:36
Well I can't add much as haven't had long lasting therapists. but if had one yes I'd be a bit concerned. May I ask her age? Love Phillipa
Posted by frida on December 3, 2008, at 13:22:36
In reply to T Crisis, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
Hi,
I understand why you feel concerned...
It seems unlike her and unusual behaviour..Maybe she's just feeling a little distracted and forgetful? I'd try to gently ask her if she's ok..that you are feeling a little worried.I have experienced some concerns about my own T , on similar issues..and what has helped me and our relationship was to ask her...(I asked her if everything was ok, because I was a little worried...(i didn't say that I was *really* worried) It helps to ask and feel close and know what's going on...
I hope you can talk to her today.
let us know how it goes
Love,
Frida
Posted by DAisym on December 3, 2008, at 14:00:18
In reply to T Crisis, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
Antigua,
I don't know how old your therapist is, but sometimes there is just too much going on and the older we get, the easier to begin to forget things. Especially in the wake of grief.
Even if she is forgetting little things, it doesn't mean she isn't solid with who she is and who she can be for you. Sometimes I get all the babies names wrong but I'm still good at what I'm doing for them.
I hope today goes well.
Daisy
Posted by frida on December 3, 2008, at 14:13:08
In reply to Re: T Crisis » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 3, 2008, at 14:00:18
I agree with what Daisy has shared...
My T is 66 years old. I don't consider her to be old at that age, and she's wonderful , but I can see that she has become a little bit forgetful sometimes about little things ..she even jokes about it. This worried me at the beginning when I first started noticing, but then I realized that she's so good to me , and still the same wonderful therapist that helped me so much...and she still helps me so much.
As Daisy said, it doesn't mean she can't be solid for you...love ,
Frida
Posted by jouezmoi on December 3, 2008, at 17:33:17
In reply to Re: T Crisis, posted by frida on December 3, 2008, at 14:13:08
Wow antigua ... it almost seems like you are talking about my T (the retiring one) and my pdoc. How old is your T?
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 3, 2008, at 18:41:00
In reply to T Crisis, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
Are you sure we don't have the same T, Antigua? I understand the worry very well. My T's memory started going several years ago. It was scary for me because she's always kept up with my details so well. A little over a year ago, she missed a HUGE trigger for me and we both ended up getting mad. I think I was completely in the right about it, but she wouldn't back down, I think because she felt defensive about the memory thing. But mostly I've adjusted (and so has she). I expect your T will, too. But I do understand how anxiety-provoking it is.
Keep us posted.
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:28:41
In reply to Re: T Crisis » antigua3, posted by TherapyGirl on December 3, 2008, at 18:41:00
thank you all for helping me quell my panic, because that's what it was, pure panic at the thought that something had changed to make her less connected to me and that scared the dickens out of me. It has totally reminded me of how much I still need her.
thanksgiving is always hard for me because I see my mother then. We had a wonderful visit, but it still really, really hurts. It didn't help that our group went away this year instead of them coming to my house, and we ended up being in the same area my family lived in when I was born. It was very hard, knowing that just over the mountain was where my family lived in my earliest days. It just hurt, and I don't know why. I understand a little better how my mother's life was then--five young children, pretty much living in the woods, my father traveling all the time and she didn't know how to drive. My heart aches for her for that difficult life. But she always had her piano, I think, and she played it so very, very well. Maybe she didn't have one then; maybe it was later, when we moved closer to the city, and someone loaned her a grand piano. During the summer months, she'd send us outside for the day, and what fun we had exploring our world of woods and streams, and the sound of her playing would float out the window as she tried to master a piece by Schumann.
She was a beautiful young woman and still is beautiful. She had two daughters. My sister was beautiful, she says. She never says what I was, as if I didn't exist in this realm. I never did. My sister was smart too. But she hated me all my life until the last few years. She was cruel to me; everyone in my family will attest to that. I know now that she hated me because my father turned his attention to me, and away from her. She doesn't know this yet, and she's not mentally well enough to have this conversation, but I know why this happened.
But I had brothers, and we were good to each other. But they have their own "brother bond" that I can't breach, so I don't try anymore.
My T was OK today, and I told her I was worried about her and she explained the chaos of her life right now, which is fine, which is what distracts her so at times.
She is in her 60s, but you'd never know it.
I'm sorry, this is just rambling. I keep telling myself that it's just the change in meds, or getting off from them really, but I'm so afriad that this is who I really am. I'm a very different person than I was before I started meds, mentally I mean, so much healthier, but I don't know who I am w/o those meds. Will it be a good thing to be off of them? I know if it's not, my pdoc will be there.
I don't even want to think of Christmas, and I love Christmas. My son won't be home for Christmas; first time ever.
My pdoc asked me the other day about my childhood memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas and I pretty much came up blank. How can I not remember?
Sound depressed, don't I? It's just the withdrawal, I hope.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:53:23
In reply to To all, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:28:41
Strangely enough, I've always remembered one Christmas. Not the day, but the experience. When I was two, one of my brothers and I were sent to my grandparents while my mother waited for one of my younger brothers to be born. He was a stubborn one, and we were gone for a month, missing the holiday w/our family. My grandfather molested me during this visit; I have a clear memory of that, not only visually, but viscerally as well.
Kind of makes me wonder why I love Christmas.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:30:03
In reply to To all, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:28:41
My therapist has referred to the chaos of his life a couple of times. I hate it when he's in chaos. He's a lousy therapist then.
I guess her being involved in her own chaos wasn't really unlike your mom being involved in her own pain and escaping into the world of music? I can see why it would be extra hard at this time of year.
I'm glad she was at least able to explain it to you. No matter how much I hated what my therapist explained it was so much better than having him not explain, and just not be present.
Posted by rskontos on December 3, 2008, at 23:03:21
In reply to To all, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:28:41
Antigua,
I just really hurt for you reading this post and the first one. And I want to really shake your mom. It is so upsetting for children to be compared to each other, I try so hard not to do that to mine.
I know I am compared to my other sisters, come up lacking and it hurts.
I really hear the hurt and pain in being separated from the siblings that should have been your companions growing up. And the separation from the mom you should have had.
And the pain from the abuse from the men in your life that should have been love.
It is so sad to me.
And for it to continue today. To make you feel separate and alone.
I wish that I had a time machine to go back and erase all the bad we have all experienced so that today would be better.
I am so sorry
(((((((((Antigua)))))))))
Here's to the end of the Holidays.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:05:18
In reply to Re: To all, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:30:03
My mother has always hidden behind her books or her music, to the point where she clearly ignored and neglected us by shutting us out at times. I guess it was the only way she knew how to cope so I understand better, but it doesn't mean I accept it, or maybe forgive her. I don't know.
Thank you Dinah for making me feel not so alone. You are so important here and have been so wonderful to anyone in need.
My T said she would rather be back at work than living in the "chaos," so I'm going to believe that. It didn't seem to throw her off in session at all today, and she was quite loving about me calling her or coming back another day this week if I continue to feel this way.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:13:36
In reply to Re: To all » antigua3, posted by rskontos on December 3, 2008, at 23:03:21
You don't know how much of what you said in your post is true for many other years of my life--separation, loss, abuse, etc. How did you know this?
You are very kind.
I can't write anymore. I'm going to go lie down and try to find some peace.
But thank you very much.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:17:51
In reply to Re: To all, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:13:36
Posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:41:58
In reply to above for rskontos (nm), posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:17:51
Posted by Dinah on December 4, 2008, at 9:01:12
In reply to Sorry for the pity party (nm), posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:41:58
Even by my affectionate definition of the term, I don't see this as one.
No need to apologize. Holidays are hard for lots of people.
((( Antigua )))
Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 15:04:57
In reply to Sorry for the pity party (nm), posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:41:58
Antigua,
Thank you for sharing with us such very important parts of your family life. It is very brave of you to make the decision to share these intimate details. Although these are obviously not happy memories, I feel I am continuing to get to know more about you from what you've written. I like that part, but am sorry that they make things so painful and difficult for you right now.
You really had a perfect storm converge upon you last week. There was Thanksgiving, the unofficial beginning of the holiday season. The holidays always seem to provoke seismic tremors that resonate, with unerring accuracy, with unhappy memories of family dysfunction and personal loss. That this aspect of the holidays is widespread doesn't invalidate its power in the least; a tsunami can strike a very crowded beach without attenuating the height of the wave or the depth of human tragedy that follows. Simply, the holidays can be a very sad time of year that can invoke unresolved losses.
You describe, very bravely and eloquently, what it was like for you and your family when you were growing up. From your description, it reminds me of a solar system gone amuck: the sun (your mom), not secured within her own well-balanced orbit, topples erratically along its own unpredictable path. The smaller bodies orbit around anything they can find or simply cease orbiting and allow themselves to be ejected into space (maybe to find a better star system?). And the holidays just bring all of these celestial wonders into close focus for you. Is it any surprise how shaky you might feel right now and how much you need your T to keep her orderly orbit? But then she starts forgetting, which shakes your connection somewhat, and you begin to worry, will she too become dysfunctional, and what would happen to this new solar system that you now both part of?
No, this is no pity party. It is just life being challenging again, as it is wont to be, which is why we all need each other to get through. I'm glad that you have us at Babble, and that we have you.
Hugs and peace, antigua...
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 15:13:14
In reply to T Crisis, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 6:51:20
Med changes can really produce tsunamis of their own! And fie on all pdocs and drug companies who are either ignorant or fail to mention this.I'm very glad to hear your relationship with your pdoc has been growing stronger and feeling more productive for you than it did before. That must help. :)
Posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 15:51:46
In reply to Re: Sorry for the pity party » antigua3, posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 15:04:57
What an absolutely beautifully written post. I'm in awe of the metaphor you chose to use. It is just fantastic, and such a helpful way for me to think of my life.
Thank you for making me to be mindful that I'm the sun for my own children, and how important it is to try and keep my center steady and bright so they can feel safe.
Thank you so much,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 15:59:24
In reply to p.s., posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 15:13:14
Yes, my pdoc deserves a cyberslap for saying there would be "no" withdrawal, but he was wonderful in answering my distress call when I felt I had totally lost it because of the withdrawal. He slowed the process down first, but now I'm totally off the med, so I'm expecting that by Saturday I'll either be mostly OK or putting in an SOS call.
Yes, our relationship is much stronger now. I don't know what happened to change it really, but I'm less wary of him right now. Maybe because I need him, and he has come through.
But then again, w/my male issues, I'm somewhat uncomfortable with him really being there for me; I'm not used to that and I'm not quite sure how to react. And I'm afraid of what will happen. Are we finished w/our work? or just beginning? It's a lot to consider, but I can't deal with that now.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 16:45:25
In reply to Re: Sorry for the pity party » lucie lu, posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 15:51:46
> Thank you for making me to be mindful that I'm the sun for my own children, and how important it is to try and keep my center steady and bright so they can feel safe.
Antigua, thank you for reminding me of the same! You put it so well. We should make a sampler to hang on the wall :)
Lucie
Posted by rskontos on December 4, 2008, at 19:13:20
In reply to Sorry for the pity party (nm), posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:41:58
how you feel and it is real. No apology necessary. Although,
I do understand that you think you are a. either feeling sorry for yourself ie. pity party or b. whining and in either case you are not doing either.What you feel is real. Don't explain or defend or try to minimize it.
I again wish I could take it all away. I think the Holidays intensifies the feelings. Mainly because often we are forced to spend time with those that are the source of our pain.just take care of you. And remember here at Babble we are shoulders to lean on.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 4, 2008, at 19:14:24
In reply to Re: To all, posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 23:13:36
This is the end of the thread.
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