Posted by antigua3 on December 3, 2008, at 20:28:41
In reply to Re: T Crisis » antigua3, posted by TherapyGirl on December 3, 2008, at 18:41:00
thank you all for helping me quell my panic, because that's what it was, pure panic at the thought that something had changed to make her less connected to me and that scared the dickens out of me. It has totally reminded me of how much I still need her.
thanksgiving is always hard for me because I see my mother then. We had a wonderful visit, but it still really, really hurts. It didn't help that our group went away this year instead of them coming to my house, and we ended up being in the same area my family lived in when I was born. It was very hard, knowing that just over the mountain was where my family lived in my earliest days. It just hurt, and I don't know why. I understand a little better how my mother's life was then--five young children, pretty much living in the woods, my father traveling all the time and she didn't know how to drive. My heart aches for her for that difficult life. But she always had her piano, I think, and she played it so very, very well. Maybe she didn't have one then; maybe it was later, when we moved closer to the city, and someone loaned her a grand piano. During the summer months, she'd send us outside for the day, and what fun we had exploring our world of woods and streams, and the sound of her playing would float out the window as she tried to master a piece by Schumann.
She was a beautiful young woman and still is beautiful. She had two daughters. My sister was beautiful, she says. She never says what I was, as if I didn't exist in this realm. I never did. My sister was smart too. But she hated me all my life until the last few years. She was cruel to me; everyone in my family will attest to that. I know now that she hated me because my father turned his attention to me, and away from her. She doesn't know this yet, and she's not mentally well enough to have this conversation, but I know why this happened.
But I had brothers, and we were good to each other. But they have their own "brother bond" that I can't breach, so I don't try anymore.
My T was OK today, and I told her I was worried about her and she explained the chaos of her life right now, which is fine, which is what distracts her so at times.
She is in her 60s, but you'd never know it.
I'm sorry, this is just rambling. I keep telling myself that it's just the change in meds, or getting off from them really, but I'm so afriad that this is who I really am. I'm a very different person than I was before I started meds, mentally I mean, so much healthier, but I don't know who I am w/o those meds. Will it be a good thing to be off of them? I know if it's not, my pdoc will be there.
I don't even want to think of Christmas, and I love Christmas. My son won't be home for Christmas; first time ever.
My pdoc asked me the other day about my childhood memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas and I pretty much came up blank. How can I not remember?
Sound depressed, don't I? It's just the withdrawal, I hope.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:866408
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866528.html