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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 5:13:56
I've been in therapy now for close to eight years. I'm surprised that after all this time I can still feel such strong longings for my therapist, parental, sexual and as a "saviour". Granted they aren't as acute as they once were, but that old push/pull feeling hasn't yet completely subsided.
Of course this dovetails with a recent episode in therapy in which my therapist responded quite sexually to a therapy topic. (I was being quite sexual myself to be honest, but I certainly didn't expect him to just jump right in - figuratively of course and not literally).
I then had a dream that very transparently reflected my childhood CSA in which he was the obvious protagonist. We talked about that dream yesterday.
I also discussed how confusing it was for me when he interjected himself into sexual things that I was talking about. How frightful those sexual longings can be. I mean, if we did act on those sexual feelings, then that would mean that he had given up trying to help me and had decided instead to just use me for what he could get out of me. I think he was surprised at how I worried about that.
The longings are basically benign, but why would I even WANT for him to abandon me like that.
Frankly, it's one of my deepest fears and it's like I WANT it to come true.
He assumed his therapeutic best (which is phenomenal when he gets going) and reassured me that he would never, ever, ever quit trying to help me. He also explained the theory behind his interjections and how that theory was absolutely failing me, so it was out the window. The boundaries are safe, I was safe and that never, ever would they fail. Ever.
I was still very strongly triggered and came home and had one of those shaking attacks in response to the trauma. The rest of the night was very foggy. But I was glad we talked about it.
I think I'll call him today and just reiterate what we talked about yesterday.
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2008, at 8:20:13
In reply to Longings in therapy. CSA tigger, posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 5:13:56
I think that's fabulous, and a real mark of the trust that's been built in your relationship as well as your ability to do what's right for you.
I'm very impressed.
I'm generally pretty good at doing the same, but I confess that there are times when I might choose to be silent about the things he does that aren't really in my best interests. Or if I bring them up at all, it's in context of therapists in general so that he might not get the connection. I'm really glad you were able to be direct, and even gladder that he responded so well.
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 10:41:15
In reply to Re: Longings in therapy. CSA tigger » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2008, at 8:20:13
Sounds like a good session hope you're feeling less shaken now. And got ahold of him. Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 15:53:49
In reply to Longings in therapy. CSA tigger, posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 5:13:56
I think I know what you mean by "responded sexually" but I still want to ask for clarification. What did he do or say - you obviously don't have to tell the details but it helps to get a sense of what was triggering - the topic, the ideas or the words chosen.
I read your post thinking "I could have written a lot of this today." Those longings that come up are strong and I'm still surprised at how incredibly painful it can be. I know for myself, it happens when either the world is too hard and I don't feel safe in it, or when I feel particularly close to him and being apart is filled with loneliness and fear. The fear is that I feel too close to him and he will sense it, step back or shut me out all together. As much as I know these are old fears, they still exist and flare up at times.
I've had many conversations with my therapist in which I've admitted to being afraid of him. The power he has "over" me is enormous and I sometimes don't trust myself to say "no" were he to demand something inappropriate in return for his time and caring. He always wants to know when these feelings are high and where (which part) they are coming from. It is interesting that we've identified that sometimes the body memories, which can be very strong, set up these fears - almost like I'm afraid he'll be turned on because I feel those feelings in my own body. Talk about transference!
I'm glad your therapist responded well and wasn't insulted. Of course we know they won't hurt us. But sometimes we still need to be reminded.
I hope you are feeling less shaky today.
Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 16:34:24
In reply to Re: Longings in therapy. CSA tigger » seldomseen, posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 15:53:49
Well, when my therapist thinks I'm sexy - he'll tell me - always has, always will I think. It's almost like he gets caught up in the way I am in that moment(Yeah-talk about transference!!). Anyway, we were discussing an aspect of my work that I find particularly enjoyable and he asked if he could participate.
I was a little shocked that he would try to put himself in that. He does that with sexual dreams -he'll cast himself as the male etc...
I've been with him long enough that I tell myself all is fair all long as we both stay in our seats, but these recent events popped up as bothering me, so we talked about it.
The CSA dream dredged up a host of badness I guess.
I'm terrified of my therapist as well. He is so valuable to me at the same time. So there is this absolute fear of abandonment coupled with terror at what he could be capable of.
Oh lord! It is such mess sometimes, but these are fears that I manage, but am still working on overcoming. I can not accept that I can never fully trust someone. I will beat this yet.
Gosh, but it's a long road.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 16:47:29
In reply to Re: Longings in therapy. CSA tigger » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2008, at 8:20:13
My poor T. He really does understand the confusion I feel (well, now that I told him).
He also understands the longings and the hurt and how important therapy and getting well is to me.
He's a wonderful therapist and clinician.
Sometimes I think I am a crappy client, but other times I think I'm good, because I am certainly willing to talk about anything (I think that is my ultimate job in therapy, no matter what just keep talking). I just wish I weren't bothered so much by some of the stuff he does.
But, then again, if it didn't mean so much to me, then it wouldn't bother me right?
He's helped me a lot and I feel a lot of tenderness in my heart for him and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.
Ah therapy!
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 16:48:29
In reply to Re: Longings in therapy. CSA tigger, posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 10:41:15
I did talk to him, and I'm on much firmer ground today.
I've been weepy though - an aftershock of the trauma I'm sure.
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2008, at 19:14:10
In reply to Re: Longings in therapy. CSA tigger » Phillipa, posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 16:48:29
Seldomseen glad things are improving. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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