Posted by seldomseen on November 6, 2008, at 5:13:56
I've been in therapy now for close to eight years. I'm surprised that after all this time I can still feel such strong longings for my therapist, parental, sexual and as a "saviour". Granted they aren't as acute as they once were, but that old push/pull feeling hasn't yet completely subsided.
Of course this dovetails with a recent episode in therapy in which my therapist responded quite sexually to a therapy topic. (I was being quite sexual myself to be honest, but I certainly didn't expect him to just jump right in - figuratively of course and not literally).
I then had a dream that very transparently reflected my childhood CSA in which he was the obvious protagonist. We talked about that dream yesterday.
I also discussed how confusing it was for me when he interjected himself into sexual things that I was talking about. How frightful those sexual longings can be. I mean, if we did act on those sexual feelings, then that would mean that he had given up trying to help me and had decided instead to just use me for what he could get out of me. I think he was surprised at how I worried about that.
The longings are basically benign, but why would I even WANT for him to abandon me like that.
Frankly, it's one of my deepest fears and it's like I WANT it to come true.
He assumed his therapeutic best (which is phenomenal when he gets going) and reassured me that he would never, ever, ever quit trying to help me. He also explained the theory behind his interjections and how that theory was absolutely failing me, so it was out the window. The boundaries are safe, I was safe and that never, ever would they fail. Ever.
I was still very strongly triggered and came home and had one of those shaking attacks in response to the trauma. The rest of the night was very foggy. But I was glad we talked about it.
I think I'll call him today and just reiterate what we talked about yesterday.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:861075
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861075.html