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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 16:27:25
I'm sad. I feel hopeless about my life, like I'll never accomplish the little things I want to accomplish. I just want friends. But I can't even make friends because I'm scared to go to this one place. I'm almost crying right now. I avoid all the time. And for no good reason. I'm not even anxious and I avoid. And because of this, I don't have a rich and meaningful life. My life is dull and full of mostly nobody except for me. I don't trust myself anymore to get myself help or to make myself happy, because I always avoid and bail out on healthy risks (things I want to do). I hate myself and my life. I'm so sad. And then there's the question of Why. Why do I do it. I don't know. I'm just so used to it I'm not really sure. My t would ask me "why" and I just don't know what to tell her. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. What should I do?
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 30, 2008, at 17:37:30
In reply to I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 16:27:25
Maybe the avoiding has become a habit, even though you feel that you're ready to take on more challenges? It's so hard to break out from what's familiar, even when we know it would be "better" for us to do so.
I hate to see you being so hard on yourself, Angela. You're a sweet person who has made a lot of progress, but still wants a lot more. I don't think that any of us celebrate the good things we've been able to accomplish if we could only put them in perspective. What was your life like a year ago, 6 months ago? Have you seen progress since then?Maybe cut yourself some slack? (And if I could do the same for myself, I would do it, too!)
((((((Angela))))) Hang in there during this rough patch.
pc
Posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 18:27:18
In reply to Re: I feel sad » Angela2, posted by Partlycloudy on September 30, 2008, at 17:37:30
Thank you so much for the support PartlyCloudy. I really think that it is a habit. And I've been reinforcing avloidance for so long it's just weird to break out of it. But I will.
6 months ago...I wasn't driving as far...I dunno. I think I'm on the right path, tho I don't know if the past is worse than the present. I'm on the right path and feel good about that..even though it's really hard sometimes (like today). I see what you are saying though PC. Maybe I am better than 6 months ago. I am definitely better than a year ago.
Thank you again for the words of encouragement PC.
Angela2
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 30, 2008, at 18:52:03
In reply to Re: I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 18:27:18
Hi Angela,
I think that most of us (all of us?) have the sense that we are not making the most out of our lives. Surely there are moments when we look back and think "what was the POINT of the last 6 months???!!!"I know I have, at any rate.
It's GREAT to have goals, to see the big picture, but also set yourself little things to do, and REWARD yourself for doing them. So, you drove a little further for the last month than you were doing in August-- what will you do to treat yourself?
As far as making friends goes... You mentioned that you have some friends in the area, but you're not super-close to them (or am I totally making this up?!?). I think it's time to invite them out for ice cream, or to pick out a pumpkin.
Or make new friends. I know that you're crafty (like arts & crafts). If you look online, there are a LOT of folks who are making cool little projects, some are enthusiastic beginners, and others, like my Grandmom just do (in her case quilting) as an excuse to get together with some ladies from church (I was surprised- most are in their 30's) to drink a glass of wine and gossip about politics.
I think volunteering is a great thing too. It fulfills several purposes
1) makes you feel proud that you are helping others
2) gets you out of the house
3) helps you meet fellow volunteers.It doesn't have to be a major commitment-- there are ALL levels of volunteering. Even reading a story to some kids, or a chapter of a novel to a person in a nursing home can make a difference in your self-esteem.
Remember also, that progress is not linear. It comes in little spurts, and droughts, and takes little crooked turns right and left. Thank goodness life is a mystery!
-Ll
Posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 18:56:00
In reply to I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 16:27:25
Found this online, I think it will help me (and others who are going through a similar situation):
http://www.stephanieburns.com/articles/article06_habit.asp
Posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 19:09:08
In reply to Re: I feel sad » Angela2, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 30, 2008, at 18:52:03
Hi Llurpsie :)
Thank you for responding, I was hoping you would!!! :p
I have one friend in the area..we are supposed to do something this weekend but she's been busy lately so I'm not sure she'll follow through. I'll have to see..
There are SOME things that are going well...I have been volunteering a little, and I'm going to do more this week. I am signed up to take a craft class starting in october.
I was really upset today though, because I was supposed to go do something..but I ended up not going because I was having a lot of anxiety. It was pretty important. Then I started thinking about how my life has no meaning and I wish I had more friends.
I think avoidance has become a habit for me, something I am going to change.
Thank you for responding Llurpsie, picking out a pumpkin sounds good.
Btw, sorry my response is kinda short, I am tired, but will write more later.
Angela2
ps - I'm printing out your and PC's responses. woot! :)
Posted by Angela2 on October 1, 2008, at 12:15:07
In reply to Re: I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 18:56:00
Does anyone have any ideas on how to break a habit and create new better ones? Like how do you stay motivated, how do you not avoid, etc. The article I posted is pretty good. Just wondering if anyone has any ideas. Thanks.
Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 14:03:59
In reply to I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 16:27:25
Hi Angela,
I'm sorry that you feel so bad and can certainly relate, having felt that way many, many times. My tendency when I feel down on myself also is to avoid people. Other people seem so together compared with how I feel at those times and making friends seems so intimidating. Even seeing old friends can seem daunting, especially if you're expecting more from them than you're likely to get from another person. Much of this is depression talking but since you brought up habits, it is my belief that there are good people-habits, just like good exercise, sleep, eating or other self-care habits. I completely agree with Llurpsie and PC in everything they said in their posts.
I used to think, when I was feeling like you are now, that my "mental-health improvement plan" was to find one "good friends." I imagined that my search was for a person I could really bare my soul to, and we could sit and have coffee and talk about everything for hours, and so on. It doesn't seem to work that way, at least not very often. Connections, like many things, take time to take root and grow. Although I opened myself up to some new experiences (e.g. night class) no one fit the bill and I just felt lonelier. Then, after a lot of work in therapy, I started feeling a little better about myself, a little more adventurous. I was still uncertain about looking for friends, but I made it my goal to find limited but genuine contacts maybe be open to a person who I liked and shared maybe one thing in common, an interest or activity, even if it didn't seem we'd have much in common beyond that. Maybe just someone I enjoyed talking with at a parent's meeting, or at the gym, or a class or whatever. The only stipulation I gave myself was that I had to be genuine and not put on a front in these encounters. I also practiced really listening to them, to what they were saying, instead of thinking about myself and how awkward and uncomfortable I was feeling. Somewhat to my surprise, I found that people actually seemed to like me. That gave me courage to try a bit more.
It's still very much a work in progress, but I have become more sociable and am less afraid of people now and enjoy them more.The long and the short of it is, that I discovered (what may have been obvious to other people but not to me) that you could have your real self recognized and validated in bits at a time, with a breadth of people and in different situations. Then you increasingly gain confidence in acceptance of your real self by other people. Eventually you gain enough confidence in yourself and others that you can be open to new friendships, feel good about yourself, have at least some of your social needs met, and not be so lonely and isolated.
I hope this advice doesn't sound too vacuous but it is based on my experience with feelings like yours. You are already doing good things that put you "out there" instead of staying inside and alone. That's a great start. So taking it from there, I guess my advice is also to take baby steps, keep reasonable expectations (high ones unnecessarily put such a burden on you and your new connections), and try to branch out into new areas to see if you can to broaden your contacts. Make your goal simple and attainable, like maybe just to connect a little with a new person but trying to be genuinely you. After a while, you'll get better and better at it and the connections will get stronger. The you'll feel better about yourself and you're into an upward spiral.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling - I'm on a break at work and have to get back, but I wanted to reply to you.
Angela, you do sound like a sweet person, someone worth knowing and enjoyable to be with. So keep up the good efforts!
Good luck and wishing you all the best,
Lucie
Posted by Angela2 on October 1, 2008, at 15:18:02
In reply to Re: I feel sad, posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 14:03:59
Lucie, oh my goodness, thank you so much. For someone on their lunch break, you write very well! no rambling at all. And helpful. Thank you for taking the time to write a post to me.
It's like, I want to be more social and make more friends but I avoid because I used to feel intimidated. Now I'm not really that nervous but I avoid anyway. I think it's an automatic habit. Although, with some situations I am still quite intimidated.
One thought I am challenging right now is, how would talking tocertain people in real life be different from babble? Or be different from the people I feel comfortable around?
I'm going to print out your post too Lucie Lu. Thank you again Lucie Lu, for telling me your story and reaching out.
Angela2
Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 20:24:27
In reply to Re: I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on October 1, 2008, at 15:18:02
> Lucie, oh my goodness, thank you so much. For someone on their lunch break, you write very well! no rambling at all. And helpful. Thank you for taking the time to write a post to me.
:)
> It's like, I want to be more social and make more friends but I avoid because I used to feel intimidated. Now I'm not really that nervous but I avoid anyway. I think it's an automatic habit. Although, with some situations I am still quite intimidated.
I think you're probably right in identifying it as a habit. Me too. It wasn't that people were not friendly to me, it was more like I developed a habit of dodging their friendly overtures. So it was a challenge to me to try to stop my evasion tactics, and to just stand still in front of someone and be open. Still working on that ;)
> One thought I am challenging right now is, how would talking tocertain people in real life be different from babble? Or be different from the people I feel comfortable around?There is one thing that is very different, and that's that this is a mental health site - everyone here is interested in discussing things that are for the most part not usual social discourse. It's very easy to lose sight of that, and assume that talking about these very personal and sensitive things is a way to be authentic. There are other, better ways to be authentic in a social context, and talking about very personal things makes most people uncomfortable. (Don't ask me how I learned this.) Unless of course you met in a support group... and even then it might be good to talk about something else for a change. So babble is a great place to explore those areas with mutually interested people. I think it is because we are anonymous that we can be so candid and open with each other here. But, what we do have in common with people you may come into contact with is: common interests and being interested in other people make friends and forge bonds.
> I'm going to print out your post too Lucie Lu. Thank you again Lucie Lu, for telling me your story and reaching out.
Looking forward to hearing about your experiences and progress with your social life - I'm sure I will learn something new from your efforts too :)
Lucie
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