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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 4:22:00
My partner started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. He went to see her to help deal with the loss of his father and to help him deal with me in my depression (or perhaps that's how I see it - I feel like I"m the sick half, and he's the healthy half).
He sees his therapist once every two weeks and will see her for a short course of therapy.
So my question - for those with a partner also in therapy, how do you feel about it? Do they share their therapy with you? Have you attended any of the sessions? I'm apprehensive about going along for a session. I feel like a lot of the time is spent talking about how ill and dysfunctional I am - how bad my upbringing was. My partner has shared various things about the sessions - he likes to - and it always leaves me feeling inadequate and awkward. I don't like it that he and her discuss my bad upbringing and pass judgment on it - or rather that I have to hear his insights when he gets back - I'd rather he kept it to himself :(
I have the feeling he sees himself as the healthy strong one of the two of us (well he is) but that brings me so much guilt and sadness. I'm glad he's getting help to deal with the loss of his father - I'm just scared his main aim is to go and vent about how difficult/sick I am :(
Witti
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:32:37
In reply to Your feelings about your partner's T, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 4:22:00
A long time ago my husband saw a therapist short term for anxiety. I think it was CBT. She gave him a guided relaxation tape and taught him mindfulness techniques. I can't say it stuck.
But I do remember being worried what he says about me. My husband isn't as accepting of the flaws of others as I am, and while I might gripe about him in therapy, I think the tone would be different if he complained about me.
I might have mentioned my fears to him, and he probably said something sharp in reply, and I let it drop.
Unfortunately I know what my husband thinks of me. I guess it would only really matter if he said so to someone I know, like my therapist maybe.
I would have gone to a joint session if I needed to. Head down and shoulders braced. But a joint session at my therapist was bad enough. I don't think I'd have been happy about going to his therapist.
Fortunately, it didn't come up.
Sometimes I wish my husband went to therapy or took meds for anxiety instead of getting all tense and angry at home in response to stress. Venting to a stranger would beat venting to me. As long as he saw someone committed to maintaining a marriage, I'd be ok with that. In the early years of my therapy my therapist often suggested divorce as a viable alternative. I wasn't open to that possibility. But I wouldn't want to test my husband if someone kept telling him it was the "right" decision for him and/or our son.
It's a mixed bag, isn't it? We'd like them to be thoroughly therapized, but it's scary to think about.
Posted by Nadezda on September 20, 2008, at 11:34:34
In reply to Your feelings about your partner's T, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 4:22:00
I'm sure that my bf went to a therapist to get help in dealing with my being so depressed and semi-suicidal. It used to worry me a lot that he was angry about how irritable and self-absorbed I was and how much I depended on him for support and help in just getting through the day.
I wasn't sure if he was sick of me, or just needed to vent-- but in retrospect, I think he was really worried and upset and didn't know how to respond and how to protect himself (I guess I can really understand that he needed to). Maybe he found it hard to stay in the relationship with me, but I don't think he was considering leaving it, except when we both were. (I went through a period of thinking I couldn't stay in it too.)
So I was often afraid or paranoid about what he was saying about me. But I now think he was doing it with good, caring intentions.
It's hard to think about, really, because it was such a difficult time for me, and I don't like remembering how I felt or how I was.
But I can understand your concerns. At the same time, what's more important is whether your bf cares about you and is going to get help with his own issues, and, if with yours, from the point of view of doing his best.
It's always been true that I"ve been the "problem" or "sick" person in the relationship. But if it's true that you have the internal conflicts-- I guess there's something about that that he finds internally meaningful too. I think you have to accept that your bf loves you and finds many qualities that make it worth being with you and enrich his life. At least, in my good moments, that's what I hope. So no matter what he tells his T, I don't think anything will change that-- if anything maybe it will help you both cope better.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on September 20, 2008, at 12:52:01
In reply to Re: Your feelings about your partner's T » Wittgensteinz, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:32:37
Dinah so your husband vents at you also. Same here only it's constant he refuses theraphy or meds oh men are the strong ones. Never see docs either. Sorry it's kind of on topic I think? Love Phillipa
Posted by fleeting flutterby on September 21, 2008, at 16:18:51
In reply to Your feelings about your partner's T, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 4:22:00
> My partner started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. He went to see her to help deal with the loss of his father and to help him deal with me in my depression (or perhaps that's how I see it - I feel like I"m the sick half, and he's the healthy half).
>
> He sees his therapist once every two weeks and will see her for a short course of therapy.
>
> So my question - for those with a partner also in therapy, how do you feel about it? Do they share their therapy with you? Have you attended any of the sessions? I'm apprehensive about going along for a session. I feel like a lot of the time is spent talking about how ill and dysfunctional I am - how bad my upbringing was. My partner has shared various things about the sessions - he likes to - and it always leaves me feeling inadequate and awkward. I don't like it that he and her discuss my bad upbringing and pass judgment on it - or rather that I have to hear his insights when he gets back - I'd rather he kept it to himself :(
>
> I have the feeling he sees himself as the healthy strong one of the two of us (well he is) but that brings me so much guilt and sadness. I'm glad he's getting help to deal with the loss of his father - I'm just scared his main aim is to go and vent about how difficult/sick I am :(
>
> Witti----I don't know what is better-- a partner that goes and talks/complains about you or one like mine, that went and ONLY talked about his work and those relationships.....?? ..... In the meantime things were going on with me that resulted in a major depressive episode which resulted in my husband calling his T. to see me. My first visit-- as I sat there unkempt, in total deep depression... shocked Dr. T... he couldn't understand how my husband didn't say a thing to him about me--- T. had no idea that our relationship and my inner self were in such peril. Which only made me feel worse with the realization that husband seemed to feel it didn't need talking about..... :o(
maybe if he would have at least talked about us, even in a negative light, it would have felt like I existed.... you know?.....
I can see where it would feel uncomfortable having your partner and a T. talk about you when you aren't around... however-- at least he cares enough to bring you up. You ARE affecting his life-- you exist. I think maybe once you go and the T. gets to know you then maybe you won't feel as uncomfortable about it all-- maybe... hopefully... *hearts*, *hearts* to you!
flutterby-mandy
Posted by fleeting flutterby on September 21, 2008, at 16:29:59
In reply to Re: Your feelings about your partner's T, posted by fleeting flutterby on September 21, 2008, at 16:18:51
Oh gee, I hope I didn't sound hateful in my last post......... *sigh*..... I sure didn't mean to.
I was trying to present a positive view(to help you to feel better) to one talking about their partner in therapy. That if one is taking time to talk about you then that might mean you matter to them.
I hope I didn't offend you........ my current T. thinks it might be better if I lay off this type of site for a bit.... she thinks it triggers the "protector" too much in me..... *shrugs*.... I try so hard and want others to not be sad or upset.... yet my words get misunderstood often which then leads to another trigger and thus my circle of being triggered by people takes off....... well anyway-- I hope I didn't offend you.
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 22, 2008, at 9:01:27
In reply to Re: Your feelings about your partner's T, posted by fleeting flutterby on September 21, 2008, at 16:29:59
Hi Mandy,
No, you don't sound hateful - not at all. I think what you had to say was very important - I think I take a lot for granted actually and should count my blessings. I'm a person who finds it very hard to trust - I assume my partner talks negative about me when he shares about 'us' with his T - but maybe that's just me. I do think the healthy-sick dynamic is at play and that makes me feel very guilty, but it often is true - when I'm unwell, I really need a lot of support and can't take on too much for myself... but when I'm healthy I try to make up for those other times.
I'm sorry you experienced such a revelation with your partner's T - it all sounds very sad and upsetting.
I will say it again, I'm not at all offended, I was busy this weekend so didn't reply, but I've found each of the replies useful and thought-provoking.
Take care, and sorry to have worried you. I think what you have to say here is important and supportive - I don't feel a hint of hate or unkindness from you (or toward you for that matter).
Witti
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