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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
I'm reading a book right now that has a chapter about "overfunctioning" in relationships. It was sort of a lightbulb for me - I'm an "overfunctioner" if ever there was one.
My question/thought is.... at what point do you think it crosses the line in a relationship... the line between being a helpful, concerned, involved friend/partner/etc on one side, and losing yourself, being harmful to yourself, overextending yourself to the degree that it's harmful, on the other side? Where's the line? How do you know if you've crossed it?
I've been in a romantic relationship with a man for about a year and a half now. We've been friends for 5-6 years. He's 15 years older than me but that hasnt been a problem. The problem has been that he hasnt really been emotionally engaged from the beginning. In the last two weeks, he has realized that due in large part to his traumatic childhood that he never dealt with, he is really blunting all his emotions in all parts of his life and has for a long time. He admitted that he doesnt feel differently towards me than he does towards his mother, brother, or a close coworker. I dont think this is personal (it's not that he's not attracted to me personally).. he's just incapable right now of engaging in a relationship in any real emotional way. Realizing this explains SO much. He desperately wants to change this and is beginning counseling tomorrow. We saw a couples counselor Monday who basically told him he needs to seek individual therapy and we should come back after he has done some work there. I love him and I dont mind being supportive while he struggles through this... but how can I be with a man who admits he doesnt love me and never has? He's been terribly depressed since this all came to his consciousness... I'd never seen him depressed or terribly upset before. I know this hurts him, as it does me. I hate to abandon the relationship when he so obviously needs the support and caring. At the same time, this has torn my world apart. I worked SO hard for the last 1.5 years on our relationship, thinking the issue was more behavioral than emotional (he didnt get why xyz was important to me etc) but that was wrong. We havent had sex for 3 months or more. When we spend time together, I no longer feel like I can even touch him because I just dont know how to act with a partner who doesnt love me.. even though he wants to. Every day has been different for me in the last 1-2 weeks of this... one day I'm fine (denial/repression, i think), the next day I'm angry, the next day I cry all day. Everyone in my life (including T) is encouraging me to stick with this and complimenting my ability to do so. Some part of me knows this just cant be healthy, but I dont really know. He has some idea how I'm feeling now but I havent talked to him about it much.. how can I? It sounds blaming and would make him feel worse, and that really isnt what I want. I know that if he could change the place we're in, he'd do it in a heartbeat.
I guess I'd just appreciate any thoughts, either on my general question above or on my situation here. I just feel 100% totally lost. Just because I *can* be a good "therapist" and stick this out doesnt mean it's healthy or good for me, right? How do I know when it's part of the normal struggles and pain involved in a close relationship versus when it's no longer healthy for me? Part of me wishes we'd never become romantically involved to begin with. This just hurts.
Posted by Daisym on September 9, 2008, at 23:16:53
In reply to overfunctioning in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
You really can't fix another person - I know you know that. What I didn't hear in your post was what you want to do...you said you love him, but do you want to hold his hand while he finds his feelings? I do not think you can be, nor should you be, his "home" therapist. Remember from your own therapy how much you would have liked to have a therapist waiting at home for you, to put their arms around you and comfort you from all the bad stuff that therapy brought up. And talk and talk and talk about it. As you pointed out, this isn't healthy, for you. Your relationship will turn into something it can't recover from. You will begin to resent him and he will be shocked when you finally demand your turn. I know, I've been there.
Leaving someone when they are already down is very, very hard. But you need to really think about what you want and what your terms are. Is the fact that he cares about you enough? Perhaps you need a break but not forever?
I'm sorry it is so painful. Loving someone is a risk that doesn't always work out. I hope this eventually does for you.
Posted by JoniS on September 9, 2008, at 23:27:11
In reply to overfunctioning in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
Wishy,
Sorry to hear about the painful situation that you are in right now. Could it be possible that after some therapy your relationship might change and there might really be love from him? I'm just thinking about how complicated human emotions are and how unreliable they can be. We can feel love, then not feel it and truly believe we never did (when we really did!) and then we can feel love again and realize it never left... Maybe just a little more time before deciding it's time to end the relationship. Either way, I hope things work out for you and that your pain fades away and life looks good again for you. I personally dont think you should stay in a relationship when you are not receiving love you want / need, just make sure you've waited it out as long as it needs.I feel rotten because my 28 year marriage is ending - because I don't love my husband. It killed me to tell him that and I keep playing over in my mind the look of pain on his face when we talked. I've tried every way I know how, but he had affairs and I lost trust and love for him. So, I'm very sorry for your situation. I think I know a little of what it feels like.
Joni
Posted by Phillipa on September 10, 2008, at 0:04:34
In reply to Re: overfunctioning in relationships, posted by JoniS on September 9, 2008, at 23:27:11
Been there done that too. Now I'm too old to leave the relationship I'm in nor am I capable of working or supporting myself so bluntly I'm stuck. So being young I would move to your own place or him back to his and continue to see each other on a friendly basis and then if he and you decide to fall in love again it can happen for the right reasons when he's healthy. Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on September 10, 2008, at 13:09:50
In reply to overfunctioning in relationships, posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
Hi WS--
I'm so sorry--this sounds so painful. I love the term "overfunctioning." I just learned it a couple of months ago from Harriet Lerner's book--and like you, I got a light bulb moment from it.I was in a miserable relationship several years ago, one in which I was more engaged than him. I had a therapist then who would say (as I agonized over whether to end it or not), "whatever you do will be the right decision." I sure did hate it when she said that. But the fact is, she was right, because the only person who can make a "right" decision is you.
So yes, I think it's important, as Daisy says, to figure out what you can and will do. Barring murder and other horrible things, IMHO, there aren't any shoulds or rights or wrongs in life except those we set for ourselves.
This is a horrible decision to have to make and neither is going to make you happy, it sounds like, at least in the short term. I feel for you.
I also feel like you're taking on a huge amount of resonsibility. FWIW, I ended that former relationship, and I've never regretted it. In hindsight, I can see that so many of my own issues came out in it, especially the tendency to think that it's all on my shoulders to make something work. When I read your post, it seemed like you were feeling as if the whole thing is your responsibility, not a give-and-take. And it sounds like he's letting you--understandable, since he's having such a hard time himself. But ultimately, a healthy relationship, I think (not that I have that many! ;)) is one in which both partners decide what's best, what's working, etc., and both hold responsibility for the couple.
Anyway, whatever you do, I hope you can let go of some of the responsibility, and I hope you can eventually find some peace about this. Best wishes.
Posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 13:55:51
In reply to Re: overfunctioning in relationships » wishingstar, posted by raisinb on September 10, 2008, at 13:09:50
Hi WishingStar,Yours is such a poignant post. It is so hard, so very painful when the road is unclear and the future so uncertain. And there is a lot at stake with someone you care so much about. Untimately, it's true that you must go with your heart. The problem is, for many of us, we don't know how to moderate that, how to balance the needs of others with our own.
I know several people, including myself, who have been in similar relationships in the past. We were all friends, in a support group, and talked about it a lot among ourselves. We believed that it's really important to let your partner go, to work on his own issues if he's ready and willing to do so. Not meaning to cut him loose or ignore his requests for help, but to give him plenty of space and the freedom he needs to grow on his own. At the same time, it is equally important for you to go on, to continue your own growth and enriching your own life as he works on his. Because, honestly? When he's done, there's no guarantee that your paths will converge smoothly again. (Yes, a couple of the men we knew were able to go into committed relationships - with other women.) And in the best case, if he decides that you are the one he wants to be in a committed relationship with, the time you spent growing during that period will benefit you both.
Does this make any sense? Our group was from a number of years ago but I'm not sure things have changed that much.
I hope all turns out well for you.
Best,
Lucie
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