Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 22:09:04
I'm reading a book right now that has a chapter about "overfunctioning" in relationships. It was sort of a lightbulb for me - I'm an "overfunctioner" if ever there was one.
My question/thought is.... at what point do you think it crosses the line in a relationship... the line between being a helpful, concerned, involved friend/partner/etc on one side, and losing yourself, being harmful to yourself, overextending yourself to the degree that it's harmful, on the other side? Where's the line? How do you know if you've crossed it?
I've been in a romantic relationship with a man for about a year and a half now. We've been friends for 5-6 years. He's 15 years older than me but that hasnt been a problem. The problem has been that he hasnt really been emotionally engaged from the beginning. In the last two weeks, he has realized that due in large part to his traumatic childhood that he never dealt with, he is really blunting all his emotions in all parts of his life and has for a long time. He admitted that he doesnt feel differently towards me than he does towards his mother, brother, or a close coworker. I dont think this is personal (it's not that he's not attracted to me personally).. he's just incapable right now of engaging in a relationship in any real emotional way. Realizing this explains SO much. He desperately wants to change this and is beginning counseling tomorrow. We saw a couples counselor Monday who basically told him he needs to seek individual therapy and we should come back after he has done some work there. I love him and I dont mind being supportive while he struggles through this... but how can I be with a man who admits he doesnt love me and never has? He's been terribly depressed since this all came to his consciousness... I'd never seen him depressed or terribly upset before. I know this hurts him, as it does me. I hate to abandon the relationship when he so obviously needs the support and caring. At the same time, this has torn my world apart. I worked SO hard for the last 1.5 years on our relationship, thinking the issue was more behavioral than emotional (he didnt get why xyz was important to me etc) but that was wrong. We havent had sex for 3 months or more. When we spend time together, I no longer feel like I can even touch him because I just dont know how to act with a partner who doesnt love me.. even though he wants to. Every day has been different for me in the last 1-2 weeks of this... one day I'm fine (denial/repression, i think), the next day I'm angry, the next day I cry all day. Everyone in my life (including T) is encouraging me to stick with this and complimenting my ability to do so. Some part of me knows this just cant be healthy, but I dont really know. He has some idea how I'm feeling now but I havent talked to him about it much.. how can I? It sounds blaming and would make him feel worse, and that really isnt what I want. I know that if he could change the place we're in, he'd do it in a heartbeat.
I guess I'd just appreciate any thoughts, either on my general question above or on my situation here. I just feel 100% totally lost. Just because I *can* be a good "therapist" and stick this out doesnt mean it's healthy or good for me, right? How do I know when it's part of the normal struggles and pain involved in a close relationship versus when it's no longer healthy for me? Part of me wishes we'd never become romantically involved to begin with. This just hurts.
poster:wishingstar
thread:851251
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/851251.html