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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
I am really upset right now and I don't know how to handle things so I need some support. I got records from my previous psychiatrist because i needed to get my medication list and while I was at it, I asked for my last 2 sessions. (they terminated me) I got them, and I read them, and well, I agree with a lot of what she said, but she didnt say it all, and I feel at fault for a lot of what was said. What scares me the most is that a lot of what happened between my psychiatrist and psychotherapist is NOW happening with my "new" psychologist.
There were things such as my being dependent on hearing my therapist call me and hearing her voice. My driving by to see if my therapist was actually there...(which I do not do with my pschologist) I found out where my therapist lived..which she did NOT know...and I told my psychologist that that was not going to happen to him..and yet just this past week I found out where he lives. But, I refurse to drive by or around his neighborhood...even though I know people that live on his same street. I used to call my therapist and psychiatrist a lot during the day and whereas I do NOT call my T on his work phone I have called his cell phone a couple of times during the week and he just today questioned it. Also, I email him..the worst it has gotten is 15 emails a day...that is bad. I dont like doing so...I honestly don't.
I am freaked out because part of the reason why my previous doctors let me go was because of severe transference issues, and now..those same behaviors are presenting themselves with my T now.
My T now has asked that I work on not emailing him, and to NOT call his cell phone unless it is a dire emergency..which is hard for me because I called his cell phone bcause I knew he could help me but also because I had to hear his voice. I know that sounds lame. I tend to be dependent on people including him..and so he a asked me to make the decision to not be dependent on people at the age of 29...so I am going to try.
I just need help...I Feel so upset and confused and I want to be accepted ..I dont want to feel sick and I feel sicker than ever.
I dont want to lose the therapist that I have now..he is the best I have ever had, but I dont want him thinking that I am trying to sabatoge our therapeutic relationship and I get this feeling that that is what he thinks.
I told him today that you CAN do therapy wrong. I have heard so many people tell me that you cannot do therapy wrong...well guess what...
THEY ARE WRONG!! :)
I need to pray that I will not do anything to mess up what we have.
I need all the help I can get.A
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2008, at 20:19:18
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
It's ok to be dependent at age 29. But in order to stay dependent on him, you have to show respect to him by being respectful of his boundaries. Just as you wish him to show respect to you.
Linehan refers to behaviors that interfere with therapy, and I guess boundary crossings would fall into that category. In order for therapy to go proceed without interruptions, there are various things you need to do. This is one of them.
It's not a question of doing therapy right or wrong. My therapist was ok with my calling his answering machine as often as I liked, as long as I didn't ask him to call me back each time. He'd likely ask me to stop emailing him if I emailed him fifteen times in a day. In fact, although I know his email address for emergencies, he prefers that I not email him at all. He doesn't like emails. Since different therapists have different rules for out of therapy contact, it's up to them to clarify their boundaries. Once they do, it's up to us to respect them.
For our sakes as much as theirs.
Perhaps he'd be willing to work with you to find other ways to meet your needs for contact? If he doesn't like you to call his cell phone, and you'd like to be able to listen to his voice, would he be willing to record a message for you? My therapist agreed to record a guided relaxation tape for me in his voice. We did it in session, and he recorded it as we did the relaxation. He felt a bit awkward, I think. But he was willing to do it, so that I could feel connected between sessions.
Maybe it would be helpful to look at the behaviors that your therapist has asked you to stop, and figure out what need they meet. Then work on meeting that need in another way?
Posted by Looney Tunes on August 14, 2008, at 20:52:33
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
Hey. Wow. Ok. First, I think Dinah had some really good points about respecting boundaries.
Here are some other things to think about:1) I would NOT drive by your therapist's house. This is a boundary violation that may make many T's upset. Yes, where T's live may be public information, but purposely going by their home is almost a form of stalking. Some therapists with families might get very upset and terminate over this. Is it right? I don't know, but I can understand a T terminating over this.
2) Since you have such strong transferance with him, you need to find something to help you: a tape from him, a letter from him, something that you can feel connected to him, when you are not in session. Ask him.
3) You need to talk about your obsession with him. It is the only way to work through it. It is interesting to me that he is "new" and you have only seen him a few times and you feel this way. You seriously need to tell him. Lay it out there. Because if he can handle it, he will let you know. If he can't, at least you won't waste alot of time with him.
4) Get some activities in your life to get your mind off of therapy. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or a battered women's shelter. Become a Big Sister. These are all volunteer opportunities where the people will really need you and want to connect with you.
5) You are an adult. Yes, it is ok to be dependent, but you must also take responsibility for your behavior. I grew up a foster kid and usually go through a stage of dependency on Ts, but I also completely RESPECT them and their personal lives. I wish T could be my family and I dream of it. I talk with T about it, but truth is he is my T. I would never want to do anything to frighten him. Some T's might find stalking frightening.
You really need to be responsible for your behavior and actions. It is ok to wish and dream, but he is your T.6) I suggest you make a rule for yourself. Something like "I will only email my T 2 times a day and call 2 times a day." This is setting a boundary for yourself. If you succeed, reward yourself with something special...a nice bath, an ice cream, etc.
Your T is setting boundaries. You need to respect them. If you do not, he could terminate you. If you respect him and want him to work with you, you need to take responsibility for your behavior.Good luck.
Posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 20:56:12
In reply to Re: The truth has come out., posted by Looney Tunes on August 14, 2008, at 20:52:33
Thank you for your post. That helps me a lot. My T and I have been "together" for 3 years. So he knows me really well. I do want to respect him and I have been trying it is just that I get on auto piolet and everything goes nuts.
but I dont want to loose him.
Posted by healing928 on August 14, 2008, at 21:15:15
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
Amanda,
Fifteen emails is a bit much for any t. I am allowed to email my t, but it is more venting than anything else. He responds, but it isn't therapy, just encouraging words. There are days I have impulses where I just want to email him 15 times so badly, but I stop myself because I want to respect the relationship that we have. Also i am afraid he would get tired of my emails. I know he reads them because I ask him, and he says YES i read them. I guess my point is pretty much the same as the others, it is about respecting the theraputic relationship.
I know where my t lives, but I would never go by his house. He has made it clear were he lives but I would just feel awkward, and I think that would break a trust violation on my part. He trusts me with personal information, and knows I would never overstep my boundaries as his client.I agree that you need to get your mind off therapy for a while. I was becoming so obsessed with my t i fired him two months ago, but then rehired him a month later. Maybe a break, or if that is too much, maybe just getting some hobbies to take your mind off of things..
Healing
Posted by sunnydays on August 14, 2008, at 21:51:24
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
I have had the emailing discussion with my T - I used to email him a lot too, just to hope for a tiny response. It really helped me when he gave me a number and said, "You can email me twice a week." And it was clear from our discussion that was now all I was allowed. It hurt like hell at the time, and it was quite a painful time in therapy in general, but it also helped me with the transference. It's unrealistic for him to just ask you to work on it - I know from experience that with me, that doesn't work. Can you discuss the issues of boundaries with him and ask him to tell you specifically where his are? If you explain you are worried about being too dependant and about ruining this relationship, I think his perspective would shift dramatically. It's that self-awareness that they look for in deciding if you're 'too' dependant I think. If it's causing you to worry, it sounds like something you need to talk directly about with your T and set up specific 'rules'. I know that it's a terribly hard conversation (and I was lucky not to have to be the one to start it, in some ways), but it was really necessary for me to move forward.
sunnydays
Posted by Tabitha on August 15, 2008, at 0:35:36
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
Hi Amanda,
Wow it sounds really hard to be going through this.I wonder if you know much about love addiction? I've found the addiction model is helpful when dealing with that kind of obsessive need for contact with someone. There are many books and online and in-person resources for love addiction support.
Posted by rskontos on August 15, 2008, at 12:18:46
In reply to The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 14, 2008, at 19:47:28
Amanda, Dinah's suggestion of a recorded message is a good one. My t actually did this on his own. He recorded a message for me to replay over and over for me, in the beginning I did it alot. I still do sometimes when I need to hear it again.
I think my t just knew I needed to hear his voice and his reassurances and just did it. You might suggest that this is something that will help, and you will over time not need it so much.
Good luck, I hear your pain. I understand how hard it is to understand that someone will be there to help and how hard it is too try to do some things on our own. A "voice" to listen to in order to receive support is something that might really help you.
rsk
Posted by Amanda29 on August 15, 2008, at 16:30:06
In reply to Re: The truth has come out. » Amanda29, posted by rskontos on August 15, 2008, at 12:18:46
You know something that bothers me now, is that my T want's me to meet new people and make new friends and I think that is a good idea but I don't make friends easily. The thought of making new friends scares me. I have been put down and shunned as a person, and I don't want to be rejected again.
I am so paranoid of crossing boundaries with people and I have this cousin who used to be a counselor and she wants to hang out with me and I w ant to be able to talk to her and tell her things that have been going on with me but I feel like #1. I am crossing a boundary by calling her and #2. that if I start talking and tell her too much she will get turned off and not want to know any more info. Granted she is my cousin, but she has never known that much about me.
I called my office manager after work and she was still at the office and I was talking to her and asked her if I was crossing a boundary by talking to her...
I said the same thing with another friend. I just feel like I cannot talk to anyone anymore. I feel the same way about my T just ebacause he told me he ingores my drama...and to me, he should help me deal with it. My life is one big drama..and I need help with dealing with it...it was my reason for entering into therapy.
I am just scared that I have done too much damage ...I know I could do worse and He says he isnt going to terminate me, but what I am scared of now...is of not being able to STOP my behaviors that are at this moment messing me up.
Posted by rskontos on August 16, 2008, at 12:54:40
In reply to Re: The truth has come out., posted by Amanda29 on August 15, 2008, at 16:30:06
Amanda,
I understand your reluctance to meet new people. I too am uneasy being with people in general new or old friends. I would, left alone, stay by myself. I hate getting out. My T wants me to go back to school and get a new degree. I would rather stay home alone.
I understand being shunned. I feel if I let out the real me people would not like her they like the other me that usually comes out the one that isn't really me, but can entertain people. Sigh. sometimes it is really hard to be yourself out in front of others isnt it. I guess we have to try to try being ourselves and not care too much about what they think, right? More like my 20 year old daughter. She never cares too much how people take her, and she had loads of friends. But then again, she has had a different childhood too.
I would tell you to just go ahead and spend time with your cousin and it will be ok. But I know how hard that is. So I will tell you to do it when you are ready. I don't think you have drama. I think it is just hard. And sometimes some people can't understand how hard it is too be with others. I do and that is what therapy is to help with. I am lucky in that my t gets it and pushes gently. I tell him I am too far gone but he does not agree.
I hope you get to a place when you feel more comfortable with yourself. Because for me, I think sometimes it is more I am not comfortable with me, so therefore I am not comfortable going out. Is that how you feel sometimes?
rsk
Posted by Amanda29 on August 16, 2008, at 12:59:11
In reply to Re: The truth has come out. » Amanda29, posted by rskontos on August 16, 2008, at 12:54:40
it hurts to much right now for me to explain how I feel.I am so messed up, it is crazy. I just want everything in my world to be OK. But I feel like I am forever going to be messed up, and I cannot stand feeling this way. I have messed things up with my T and I feel like I cannot make things any better. There are days that I feel ok about myself, but the majority of my days is spent being depressed and feeling negative. My moods are so out of control, I never know I how I am going to be from one hour to the next. It is crazy.
Posted by rskontos on August 20, 2008, at 23:45:36
In reply to Re: The truth has come out. » rskontos, posted by Amanda29 on August 16, 2008, at 12:59:11
Amanda,
It isn't crazy to me. I feel like that too most days. I keep telling my t to give up on me I am unfixable. he doesn't agree but then I am not sure which one of us is the most subborn.
I still have a thing about needing therapy too. Anyway, I do understand how you feel. here is too feeling better some day!!!
((((((((Amanda))))))
rsk
Posted by susan47 on August 23, 2008, at 18:57:54
In reply to Re: The truth has come out. » rskontos, posted by Amanda29 on August 16, 2008, at 12:59:11
First of all, know that I am a person who understands how you feel about your therapist. I had a therapist and many people know my story (I think I am known as strange around here, which is actually okay with me, it's my natural self; constantly Changing ... remember that .. and so are you, as well.) What if you found out that Susan47 is really your therapist writing back to you? How would this post suddenly feel, make you change your response?
Loving your therapist (I assume you do love him) is really a response to what you see in him and what you want him to see in you. However, what you have to know is that what you want him to see is Already IN YOU. The fascination you feel with your t is really a fascination with what you see in yourself. And yes, you're lovable and the best way to undo the damage is to Get Well, and maybe you need some medication right now to help you think more clearly, as it sounds like you could be heading into a psychosis if you don't stop obsessing about all this, and soon. Your t may actually not be the things you think he is. If he is, he'll understand your desire to be loved by him, to be valued by him, as a human being, and if he's a good therapist he'll be able to hear what you're saying without running. But he might. And the fear that he might is what keeps you coming back to find him, and you will stop if you get the right help. Your brain might need help too right now, though. I would not hesitate to talk to someone else about this .. addiction.
I did the same thing with my therapist, phoning him endlessly, and although a lot of people would say I am/was crazy (and I am/was, indeed, being a borderline, which is a Good Thing because it's treatable with the Right Therapy!!!)
Good luck,
read Writing if you have any doubts, I'm plastered all over there, sometimes unwisely so.
I still hurt from my ex-T. I've even used his initials posting, given clues about where I live, because I want to be "Found Out" so badly.
But I cannot hate myself, I can only try to Understand.
Circumstances create each of us; we are all different.
But that doesn't mean we can't be Loving, and Kind.
Just don't kill anyone with loving kindness, including your T.
This is the end of the thread.
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