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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by star008 on June 28, 2008, at 19:43:08
This is just too complicated to try and explain all of it. I wanted to answer muffled but also don't want to leave anyone out since the info might be useful to other people and it is not a private conversation.
I have alot of trouble knowing what my ikids are thinking and feeling. I haven't used journaling cuz it tends to make me dissociate or feel bad. It is all confusing and I think there is alot of conflict between the kids but i have trouble communicating with them. I get discouraged cuz it seems like i will never get through it at one hour per week. I mean how much headway can i make by working on it once a week??
Muffled, you have changed so much in such a short period of time. Your DID T must be a good fit for you. I am kind of where you were awhile ago. I don't want to take care of ikids, I don't want ikids, can't connect with them at all. I don't have the hate i used to carry for them though, so i guess it is better that way. But I don't want to take care of them.Kind of like 'gag".. i think u know what i mean.
I haven't been on the other website. It has been too hard to get on and then i forget about it. It is not safe here all the time IMHO. Sometimes it seems to me like others want to pick fights and confront other people. I just keep in mind that it is not safe, (forme) and lately it hasn't bothered me
Posted by rskontos on June 29, 2008, at 11:19:44
In reply to ddnos.. my ikids, posted by star008 on June 28, 2008, at 19:43:08
Star, IMHO it is a struggle that you have to embark on you own with your T's help. Mine has not helped connect to mine it has been me on my own. It is something that is hard, but you have to try and start looking inward and start to try to talk to them. It is hard and I too felt like I could not communicate with mine. But I found when I tried well it opened the lines of communication so much I could not deal and had to stop them. I learned too much too fast. So what I am saying is that you must try to meet them halfway. You may be more resistant than you realize. Do you know where the third eye is inside you mind. What yoga refers to. That is a start. Just closing your eyes and trying to have an inner dialogue. You can say it out loud at first. It won't happen quickly maybe but if you just try a little each day. Use a quiet time. For me, I used just before falling asleep. It was a time I was more relaxed. And don't try when you are frustrated, they will sense that. Just say things like you would say to a small, frightened child. Like, we are just going to have a nice chat. Nothing too heavy, just to get to know each other. no worries. That kind of thing. Little by little things can change. It did for me. But then things got too heavy and I got scared and closed the door. And now, I am starting over with the dialogue. And things are opening up again. Remember, that they are part of you. I think, again MHO, that some of the things are things we know about in our gut, and we are scared of finding out about, at least I am, and so I transverse these waters rather timidly, yet I know I must. It might be the same for you. So go slowly, go honestly, and take your time. It can come if you let it. Remember often times, we ourselves get in our own way most of the time because fear is our biggest factor. But this is a most understandable worry.
I trust you know you can email or babble me anytime. I care.
rsk
Posted by star008 on June 29, 2008, at 15:36:28
In reply to Re: ddnos.. my ikids » star008, posted by rskontos on June 29, 2008, at 11:19:44
thanks rsk,
I agree with the resistance part. I need to communicate but I rally don't want to. Tht is why I don't journal. It made things come to me too quickly and I felt bad.. Actually I feel bad everytime i try it. I think you know what I mean. I end up being the one I am trying to talk to and most of them don't feel so great. I wish your T was better with you. You work so hard and on your own it is so much harder, I think. thanks for caring RSk, I know you will be there for me. Who knows this stuff but those of us who live with it.?
Posted by rskontos on June 29, 2008, at 15:57:32
In reply to Re: ddnos.. my ikids » rskontos, posted by star008 on June 29, 2008, at 15:36:28
Yeah, we do, dont we. But my T is doing better and trying harder and fighting for our therapy to work. He does know DD though. I must say recently he has fought for us to continue working. But I have come to understand a certain amount is necessary to begin to do on our own. I mean, probably, if I could trust more, it would happen in the office with him. But I wanted to see for myself if there was anyone inside my head, so I tried on my own. Do you understand. I was fighting the dd dx. So I did not want him to see my dirty laundry in other words. So I worked on my own in secret I guess. To see if there was anything inside of my head. And through my research and my thoughts and my voices etc I have come to realize that indeed there is. The book I read really brought it home since I had aspects of three of that docs worst cases of neglect. The dissociative parts of the children he treated I had them and I realized I can't fight it any longer no matter how it makes me feel. And so the last time I was there, I said to him, just what the hell happened between my mother and i and my father to induce the extent of my dissociation states. It really makes me wonder why I dissociated so badly for so long and still do. He answered I know I have wondered that too but here are the facts we do know and we have your sisters suspicions. I have made it harder on myself for trying even with a therapist to do it on my own partly to try and deny and partly for being ashamed.
anyway,
we will get through this won't we?
rsk
Posted by muffled on June 29, 2008, at 21:25:56
In reply to Re: ddnos.. my ikids » star008, posted by rskontos on June 29, 2008, at 15:57:32
Yeah Star, I actually figgered alot of stuff on my own. By my own figgering initially, then I did research on the net, and asked questions on the net.
I think T just kinda is a safety thing to have. And can help me learn better I guess. But to date, 90% of what i've learned , I have learned ON MY OWN, with T to support.
It is scarey at first, but you get used to it. Its not like its changed, they allus was there, but now you just noticing them more. My ikids are locked away right now. They was causing some troubles a ways back so they away.
I think I just goto accept that I am the way I am. I told T, I say maybe I making this all up. She say why would you? And she right, I DO NOT want to be this way. But I am so I just goto move on.
Hang in there star.
M
Posted by star008 on June 30, 2008, at 7:16:28
In reply to Re: ddnos.. my ikids, posted by muffled on June 29, 2008, at 21:25:56
I said the same thing to my T. That I must be making it all up and he said the same thing as yours.. Why would I?? And how could I possibly make it up? It is too real and I feel it and I can't make up the way I feel. It is kind of sad that we have to learn so much on oure own. But since all of us are then it must be common to have to search out info.
I have lots of resistance, i know. I am not an easy person to work with and I can't tell T things he wants to know cuz I just don't know the answers. I resist trying to communicate with my ikids cuz i feel bad when i do. I take on their feelings i guess and get even more depressed.
I did get a few answers on a website and I think you should look it up. Google EMRD forum and it comes up first. It is called behavior online. Go to the EMDR forum. I asked questions about stuff that anyone with did, ddnos would like to know. Not many people post there so you will find it in the first couple of posts. There are archives that are helpful but you really have to look through them to finhd what you want. There is a T there there knows alot. I didn't ask about EMDR really but why i feel like it isn't real and how we can interject some personalities that just don't seem to fit.. Like the really mean ones. Hard to explain I think.. You have to read it. She told me alot about how hard it is too for us to learn this stuff on our own. Like parts of us are learning it but not ALL our parts are getting it.
So right now, i guess i learn instead of acting.. thanks for helping me. it helps just to know that there are people out there who know this stuff and know exactly what I am talking about. Like IRL who are you gonna talk to about any of this without having them think you are nuts??
Posted by muffled on June 30, 2008, at 10:38:13
In reply to Re: ddnos.. my ikids muffled rsk, posted by star008 on June 30, 2008, at 7:16:28
> I said the same thing to my T. That I must be making it all up and he said the same thing as yours.. Why would I?? And how could I possibly make it up? It is too real and I feel it and I can't make up the way I feel. It is kind of sad that we have to learn so much on oure own. But since all of us are then it must be common to have to search out info.
*I think the biggest problem is time. We have only 1 hr/wk w/T.
Also, I can be all switchy w/T. Or resistant. At home w/my computer it can be calmer.
FWIW knowledge seems to come in spurts. Not all at once. I can't do it all the time cuz it exhausts me, and I just don't want to.
Its not so sad really to learn on our own. T's can't know whats inside us. So most of the work is up to us.
(Though LOL! lately I been SO resistant in T lately, its a battle. I just sit there and think f it, I NOT doin NUTTIN.
Sigh...
> I have lots of resistance, i know. I am not an easy person to work with and I can't tell T things he wants to know cuz I just don't know the answers. I resist trying to communicate with my ikids cuz i feel bad when i do. I take on their feelings i guess and get even more depressed.* I dunno the answers EITHER. This newT asks me stuff and i just keep saying I dunno, its not that clear.
And I am not communicating w/ikids either. Though I have (3 times I think) had the mom me calm them and say nice mommy type stuff to them, and it WORKED. But it makes me feel weird, and anyhow, they away right now. I say the SAME thing. I don't like how they feel :-(
Maybe you can try to work w/some older ones if you have them first? Just try and sort out the adult you's if you have them? Think about who your protection is, or just journal down random thots. They sometimes coalesce when you do that. Sometimes out of a bunch of random pieces you get what I used to call an epiphany, and some stuff would fall into place.
Ya, this was on my own. T just stood by me and helped me feel safer somehow.
> I did get a few answers on a website and I think you should look it up. Google EMRD forum and it comes up first. It is called behavior online. Go to the EMDR forum. I asked questions about stuff that anyone with did, ddnos would like to know. Not many people post there so you will find it in the first couple of posts. There are archives that are helpful but you really have to look through them to finhd what you want. There is a T there there knows alot. I didn't ask about EMDR really but why i feel like it isn't real and how we can interject some personalities that just don't seem to fit.. Like the really mean ones. Hard to explain I think.. You have to read it. She told me alot about how hard it is too for us to learn this stuff on our own. Like parts of us are learning it but not ALL our parts are getting it.*I just gave it a quick pass thru now, and its interesting, I can say more bout it when I have more time to read and digest, and then there is some terminology I will have to follow up and research to fully undersdtand. I have a part called EP(emotionless protector...)but I have discovered that this part is not necc all bad...
> So right now, i guess i learn instead of acting.. thanks for helping me. it helps just to know that there are people out there who know this stuff and know exactly what I am talking about. Like IRL who are you gonna talk to about any of this without having them think you are nuts??
*Ya, learning, but listening too. Listening and trying to understand what they trying to communicate to you. Being gentle, respectful and kind to ALL of you. Even the seemingly negative parts.
Ya, sometimes i real bothered bout how its such a secret :-(
Thats why I think I hate that oldT ignores me, cuz she knows, she only 1 of two IRL people who know :-(
I agree w/what you said bout there being so little info on DDNOS. Cuz it IS diff than DID. I think everyones experience is diff, but the challenge I see w/DDNOS is that it is NOT so clear, and that makes communication much more work. Lots of confusion cuz of not knowing who is who, or even clearly being able to understand WTF they trying to say.
FRUSTRATING.
Take good care.
I busy, so maybe sometime I post more. Thx for link, this is some new ideas I most definately persue.
Take care.
FWIW, the other forum I go to, its just more support, I can ask "does anybody feel like XXX sometimes" and there usu is someone who does, even many. It makes me feel less alone and weird bout all this.
M
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