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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
Hi, everyone.
I'm coming up on my therapy anniversary. Every year, I've given my T a gift and and each one has had some meaning, and I've been able to write in the card about the good work we've done.
This year, it's five years - a sort of big one. The thing is, we've been really struggling for a couple of months now with a lot of issues in our therapeutic relationship. There are too many to go into, but nearly every session has been about ironing out scheduling or financial differences, my distress at several changes he's made recently, or me just plain b*tching and yelling at him (about him).
For a couple of reasons, I'm going back from three sessions every two weeks to one session a week. And my T told me he has to cancel this coming Saturday's session. So, I'm not going to see him for two weeks. The actual anniversary date is within those two weeks. So, normally, I would arrive at the next session with a gift.
I don't even feel like I can pick something out at this point. And while I know the whole year - or five years - hasn't been like it is now, I think timing wise, it might feel odd to try to pull the good stuff in right now. Does that make sense?
Should I try to get a gift? Just skip this year? I'm leaning toward delaying any gift giving (I don't know that he knows the date...or really cares...anyway), but if I do that, should I mention it at the next session? Or just show up with a gift in July or August or whenever things settle down?
Ugh...as always, I'm sorry to be gone for so long and then pop up with a problem.
Thanks, (((((babblers))))).
Laurie
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2008, at 12:14:49
In reply to It's that time of year, posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
I'm on my way out the door, but I wanted to answer with my kneejerk reaction before I forget it.
I am sorry I celebrated my therapy anniversary this year on the anniversary. The moment wasn't right, and it made the whole thing not right.
He took the gift (a small river rock) graciously, acknowledged the symbolism of it, put it on the bookshelf next to some of his other treasures from nature, and put each one in my hands while gently explaining how he came to have each. It was really nice, and it made me think that he might even remember where he got this rock. Maybe.
But I wasn't feeling the right way to give it, and overall I really wish I had waited. There were times when it would have been right, and it was small enough to tuck in my purse and bring with me, along with the card, until the moment was right.
So I'd say if it's possible, don't force it. The date isn't as important as the feeling.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2008, at 12:15:24
In reply to It's that time of year, posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
And I'm really sorry you're having to spend therapy time on the pain caused by therapy. I hate that.
Posted by Phillipa on June 16, 2008, at 12:21:25
In reply to Re: It's that time of year, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2008, at 12:15:24
Okay maybe this is dumb but if theraphy is causing a lot of people a lot of pain is it worth it in the end. Now please don't take this wrong as searching for my own answer for next week whether to go or not or quit. Now Laurie maybe just say hey we've been seeing each other x amount of years. How do you feel the work has progressed. Just an idea. Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on June 16, 2008, at 13:51:47
In reply to It's that time of year, posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
The greatest gift you could ever give your therapist, is you. Knowing they have helped you and that you feel therapy has helped you.
I think the fact you are questioning the gift this year says something that maybe you should wait until you feel better about giving him something.
Or maybe a funny gift to acknowledge that you are struggling with therapy? You still acknowledge the date, but instead of anything warm and gushy, it could be a laugh to lighten things up. Maybe a stress reliever or a bottle of aspirin for you both?
Posted by Annierose on June 16, 2008, at 18:27:53
In reply to It's that time of year, posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
I agree with Dinah. I wouldn't force a feeling. I also like Happyflowers suggestion of a gift that reflected these turbulent times in your relationship ... something humorous. Whatever you decide, as long as it is your truth, you will feel comfortable giving it.
Waiting until you feel like you have come to the other side of the rough waters may be a more appropriate time to give a gift too.
I'm sorry he is such a poop head right now. Cyber slaps for Alldone's T!
Posted by Daisym on June 17, 2008, at 2:14:44
In reply to It's that time of year, posted by All Done on June 16, 2008, at 12:09:11
I passed the five year mark at the end of May. I still haven't given him the gift I put together. At first I thought it was because we weren't in a good place and then there were these weird breaks. But I've come to know that I'm afraid to point out this milestone - what if 5-years shocks him and he realizes how little progress I've made? Will he then refer me to someone else? Or what if he thinks, "I can't do another five years of this!" and decides to terminate?
*sigh* And the gift I made is pretty cute - we have a long standing joke about him needing his therapy can-opener on Mondays because it is hard for me to start talking again. So I bought a kitchen can opener and painted it gold and made him a certificate that appoints him the winner of this year's golden opener award. :) Silly? I know he will laugh though...
Maybe this is something to actually talk about in a session - how hard it is to celebrate with him right now.
I think anytime you decide to acknowledge the work you've done together is the time to do that. Maybe the session before your vacation? Or maybe you just pick a date and tell him, "on this date I'd like to stop and reflect" so that it is set up ahead of time. Because sometimes the perfect time just never comes.
Good luck on this. It is nice to see you here.
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 13:44:44
In reply to Re: It's that time of year » All Done, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2008, at 12:14:49
> I'm on my way out the door, but I wanted to answer with my kneejerk reaction before I forget it.
>
> I am sorry I celebrated my therapy anniversary this year on the anniversary. The moment wasn't right, and it made the whole thing not right.
>
> He took the gift (a small river rock) graciously, acknowledged the symbolism of it, put it on the bookshelf next to some of his other treasures from nature, and put each one in my hands while gently explaining how he came to have each. It was really nice, and it made me think that he might even remember where he got this rock. Maybe.
>
> But I wasn't feeling the right way to give it, and overall I really wish I had waited. There were times when it would have been right, and it was small enough to tuck in my purse and bring with me, along with the card, until the moment was right.
>
> So I'd say if it's possible, don't force it. The date isn't as important as the feeling.I could see almost the same thing happening to me. I imagine my T will only be gracious about accepting a gift regardless of the timing, but I would still feel like there's something off. And like you, I think I want the overall feeling to be right.
Then again, my T always seems to zero in on things when I say something about one minor (definition debatable) detail or one thing "ruining everything".
I'm glad your T accepted your gift so nicely. It's good that you have that moment to hang on to now.
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 13:47:39
In reply to Re: It's that time of year, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2008, at 12:15:24
> And I'm really sorry you're having to spend therapy time on the pain caused by therapy. I hate that.
I do, too, Dinah. It's been going on for what seems like forever, and I'm at the point where I'm worried because I don't know what's going to hit me when I see him next.
I told him I understand if things can't go back to what they were a year ago or whatever, but I would appreciate some consistency. No more surprises. At least for a little while, you know?
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 13:56:15
In reply to Re: It's that time of year, posted by Phillipa on June 16, 2008, at 12:21:25
> Okay maybe this is dumb but if theraphy is causing a lot of people a lot of pain is it worth it in the end. Now please don't take this wrong as searching for my own answer for next week whether to go or not or quit. Now Laurie maybe just say hey we've been seeing each other x amount of years. How do you feel the work has progressed. Just an idea. Phillipa
Hi, Phillipa.
I can't speak for everyone, but while I don't like struggling through therapy so much, I do agree with my T that a lot can be discovered during times of discord - perhaps even more than when things are calm and easygoing. I don't want the relationship to have to sustain this kind of tension, but I do think I'm learning something about a deeper anger I have and where it comes from. That's not to say I like it or won't complain about it, of course ;).
Overall, I think I've made some progress over the last five years. Well...I don't even necessarily like to use the word progress. We do review my "therapy goals" every once in a while, but mostly I've learned about who I am. And in the end, that's going to bring me closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin, which is my main goal.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 14:01:58
In reply to Re: It's that time of year, posted by Happyflower on June 16, 2008, at 13:51:47
> The greatest gift you could ever give your therapist, is you. Knowing they have helped you and that you feel therapy has helped you.
While I appreciate the sentiment, I really wish I could believe it. That's something I discuss with him on occasion, though. I always wish I felt like I mean more to him.
> I think the fact you are questioning the gift this year says something that maybe you should wait until you feel better about giving him something.I think you're right.
> Or maybe a funny gift to acknowledge that you are struggling with therapy? You still acknowledge the date, but instead of anything warm and gushy, it could be a laugh to lighten things up. Maybe a stress reliever or a bottle of aspirin for you both?Great idea, Happyflower! I'm going to have to think about this. If I do it, should I still search for a more meaningful gift to give him later? I guess there's something about it being a milestone anniversary that leaves me wanting to be a little warm and gushy at some point, I guess.
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 14:05:01
In reply to Re: It's that time of year, posted by Annierose on June 16, 2008, at 18:27:53
> I agree with Dinah. I wouldn't force a feeling. I also like Happyflowers suggestion of a gift that reflected these turbulent times in your relationship ... something humorous. Whatever you decide, as long as it is your truth, you will feel comfortable giving it.
Of course, now I'm going to worry about being funny. What if he's not amused? We don't necessarily have the same sense of humor. I have a hard time getting him to crack a smile and trust me, I've tried.
> Waiting until you feel like you have come to the other side of the rough waters may be a more appropriate time to give a gift too.
>
> I'm sorry he is such a poop head right now. Cyber slaps for Alldone's T!Thanks! I once mentioned to him that a Babbler (Poet, I think?) threw a pillow at her T. He looked a little nervous. ;)
Posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 14:14:44
In reply to Re: It's that time of year » All Done, posted by Daisym on June 17, 2008, at 2:14:44
> I passed the five year mark at the end of May. I still haven't given him the gift I put together. At first I thought it was because we weren't in a good place and then there were these weird breaks. But I've come to know that I'm afraid to point out this milestone - what if 5-years shocks him and he realizes how little progress I've made? Will he then refer me to someone else? Or what if he thinks, "I can't do another five years of this!" and decides to terminate?
There is NO way he's going to think any of those things, Daisy. It's good that you're thinking about talking to him about your concerns. I'm guessing his reflection on your five years together might look very different from what you expect.
> *sigh* And the gift I made is pretty cute - we have a long standing joke about him needing his therapy can-opener on Mondays because it is hard for me to start talking again. So I bought a kitchen can opener and painted it gold and made him a certificate that appoints him the winner of this year's golden opener award. :) Silly? I know he will laugh though...That's very clever! I bet he'll love it. Do you think he'll make an acceptance speech?
> Maybe this is something to actually talk about in a session - how hard it is to celebrate with him right now.
>
> I think anytime you decide to acknowledge the work you've done together is the time to do that. Maybe the session before your vacation? Or maybe you just pick a date and tell him, "on this date I'd like to stop and reflect" so that it is set up ahead of time. Because sometimes the perfect time just never comes.I think everyone's right on this. I'm going to try my hardest not to push anything too soon. It's hard for me, though. I'm usually all about the dates, and I'm afraid if I don't give myself an actual deadline, I'll just drop it and forget about it.
> Good luck on this. It is nice to see you here.Thank you, Daisy. It feels nice to be here. :)
Posted by Happyflower on June 17, 2008, at 17:20:19
In reply to Re: It's that time of year » Annierose, posted by All Done on June 17, 2008, at 14:05:01
Well I could send you my old precipitation of Prozac, sounds like he could use it. No laughs, that would hard for me to take, it would make me feel VERY uncomfortable if he couldn't at least have a sense of humor.
But having a client like me, probably would require a sense of humor because they would have a heart attach if they didn't laugh. lol
(how about one of those dorky "sound or music" cards you can buy.
I think you should give him a gift that you feel, if you don't feel gushy, don't force a gift. Kinda like anniversary gifts, give him a blender if that is what you feel. There is always next year, or you can celebrate 5 1/2 years when things improve.
This is the end of the thread.
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