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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on April 25, 2008, at 20:18:22
My therapist has decided to teach me autonomy ..and being my own person. But, he is doing so by stopping all communication with me via phone and email, and has told me that he cannot show me grace and mercy..that I have to find that elsewhere through other people...the kicker is that I have no one. My family cannot be the ones to show me ...and I dont have many friends. He was being the one to "lift me up" and tell me he was proud of me...but now all of a sudden he is stopping. He told me months ago that one of his goals in our sessions was to show me grace....and now he is dropping everything he said. I am crushed. I feel lost and alone and confused and scared.
Just yesterday we met and we were talking about how I am 29 years old and yet I have the emotional maturity of a 2 to 4 year old. That made me feel great. That is part of the reason why I dont have many friends I guess. But, he cannot just get me started thinking about these things and then leave me and stop all communication.
I have severe issues of abandonment because I was abandoned as a baby and so for him to leave me like this really freaks me out. THEN he compares me to his children a six year old and a nine year old ..and that felt GREAT.
I know that ultimately he is trying to help me but I cannot see the good in this. And I have until next thursday to become overly confused ...but I am pretty much there already.
I dont look at him as my friend, I dont look at him as anything except as my therapist...and he is a fantastic therapist...but I have been with him for going on 4 years now and this is the first time I have felt abandoned.
I dont know what to do..and I have severe depression and I know that I am going to become depressed between now and next week...and I just cannot handle this.
I dont know what to do.
Posted by CareBear04 on April 25, 2008, at 23:12:06
In reply to Therapist is Testing me, posted by Amanda29 on April 25, 2008, at 20:18:22
hi amanda-- sorry to hear about your problems. i know how tough and overwhelming it is when you know what in particular you need and you try to communicate that to your provider, and they just refuse to give you what you need. i've felt really hopeless a couple of times when being discharged from the hospital-- i made clear as well as i could how actively suicidal i was, and i felt like the drs were just giving up on me or telling me my life wasn't worth it. both times, though, it has actually required me to fend for myself. my friend put it well once: "it sounds like it was a good kick in the a** for your psyche, even though it wasn't what the psycho-iatrists intended." i know you don't feel like you have other people you could turn to... is it possible you have it within yourself to deal with these things?
good luck,
cb
Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2008, at 10:31:11
In reply to Therapist is Testing me, posted by Amanda29 on April 25, 2008, at 20:18:22
I wish therapists wouldn't change boundaries abruptly. It seems to me that in four years of therapy he could have steered things in the direction he wished without making a sudden course change.
But I guess I don't know what's in his mind.
Have things changed lately with emails and phone calls that he might have decided a policy change was a good idea? Has he ever indicated that he'd like to put limits on phone calls and emails?
It seems very strange to me. But my therapist is, in that way at least, a very stable presence. I can't imagine any sudden course changes in our relationship. I can imagine sudden course changes in his life that might affect therapy, but I can't imagine his deliberately changing what's going on in the room. He set the boundaries he was comfortable with early on, and has been firm with them consistently. (Plus he's developed the skill of being so very bad on the phone and email that I have no real desire to contact him that often.)
So I tend to be a bit taken aback at therapists who abruptly introduce change in the therapeutic relationship frame.
Do you have any insight into why he may have made this change at this time? Teaching you autonomy is a laudable goal. But has he told you why he has chosen to do this right now? And so abruptly?
Posted by Phillipa on April 26, 2008, at 11:48:16
In reply to Re: Therapist is Testing me » Amanda29, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2008, at 10:31:11
Good question as even Baby Steps are sometimes impossible for me anyway. I hope you will be okay. Love Phillipa
Posted by Amanda29 on April 26, 2008, at 15:07:03
In reply to Re: Therapist is Testing me » Amanda29, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2008, at 10:31:11
My therapist has told me in the past that there is nothing I could do or say that would make him like/love me less...(he only said this because one of the things I lack in my life is love from my parents and so he was trying to show me unconditional love even though he is nothing more than just my psychologist.
He wants to teach me autonomy because I guess because I depend too much on others and he wants me to learn to depend on myself more instead of others. I dont know..that is the only reason I can think of.
My therapist has been going though a bad divorce and so I sometimes think that all of that gets in the way of therapy alhtough he is really good at keeping it from getting in the way.
His daughter however comes every thursday to his office because that is when he gets custody of her for the weekend...and I find myself jealous of that because she gets to talk to him all the time...(she is six)...and also the fact that she is going to grow up with such a better upbringing than what I had...and that makes me sad.
I shouldnt be jealous of anybody..especially a six year old child...but I am. I told him that too over email and yet ofcourse he hasnt responded ...so I dont know what he is thinking about that.
I have noticied that we have these falling outs with one other at least once a year...and after it is over we are fine...so I think this is just one of those times...but it stinks because I really need him in my life this time to help me and he has put up a boundary that prevents him from helping me and I am hurt.
My previous therapist had limits on the amount of time that was spent on the phone...she would talk no longer than 2 minutes on the phone. I dont call my therapist now unless it is a dire emergency. He did give me his cell phone and email so I do have ways to get ahold of him..but his preferred way is in his office once a week for an hour. I am scared to think what he would do if I emailed him out of an emergency...(like if one of my family members died or soemthing like that...) would he get the message and if so would he call me or email me back? In the past he would have but now I am not so sure. He never put a block on my emails or told me how many he would accept ...and he still hasnt ..I know he is reading them...Im fine with him not replying...but what I want from him is an explanation for the change that he has created. Even if I dont like the reason for the change...I at least would like to hear one...you know?
Anyway. I could talk for hours about him. I just feel like he is abandoned me and that he doesnt care..and that he hates me...(I always think that when people have wanted to stop talking to me completely...(which unfortunatly has happened more than once)...I cannot have him hating me...or abandoning me...and I just don't know what to think about all of this...I am going to be a wreck come thursday.
This is why I got back on psychobabble because Everytime I am about to loose it...I get on this thing and people are so nice to me...it will keep me from losing my mind completely...btu what I really need is knowing that he is hearing me and that he still cares for me.
Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2008, at 15:40:06
In reply to Re: Therapist is Testing me » Dinah, posted by Amanda29 on April 26, 2008, at 15:07:03
I'd want an explanation too.
If it has something to do with his personal situation, it's understandable that his life may change so that he can no longer do what he used to do. But he should own up that it's his own issue.
And if it's a desire for your wellbeing, I still don't quite understand why he didn't lead you up to this and prepare you for it, rather than just spring it on you. Generally when you try to prepare someone for autonomy, you do it by giving them greater challenges and greater responsibility over a period of time, not suddenly toss them out of the nest and tell them to fly.
It's difficult to understand all the nuances of a situation without actually being there. I might be missing something entirely, and certainly I don't want to question your therapeutic relationship.
It's good that you trust your therapist enough to feel sure that you two will get through this. That goes a long way towards telling me that he is probably doing what he thinks is best, and that he doesn't at all hate you. You should have a good feel for him after four years.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 27, 2008, at 9:36:45
In reply to Re: Therapist is Testing me » Amanda29, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2008, at 15:40:06
I think you can ask him about it. You're entitled to an explanation, and even if he refuses to explain (which is something my T does occasionally), the refusal itself will be full of information that you can use to move forward.
Keep after him! If you can put his feet to the fire while also staying within the therapeutic frame, you will learn a lot about your own power to make your life into what you want it to be.
I learned this myself from my T.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 28, 2008, at 13:00:33
In reply to Re: Therapist is Testing me » Dinah, posted by Amanda29 on April 26, 2008, at 15:07:03
I am so sorry; are you aware that it is UNethical to abandon a client (unless the client is a threat to the t, etc., etc....)
They need a darn good reason, and he obviously has none.
What is up with that word "grace"??!!! Since when is it "grace" to abandon a client?!
I am so sorry; this never should have happened. Without a doubt, I am sure his divorce is causing problems in his being able to do good therapy (how could it not?!)
Obviously, HIS issues are getting in the way. This is simply cruel.
Of course he wants you (and I am sure you do) to be "autonamous"---that is the goal, BUT.....his treatment/abandonment and behavior is doing the exact opposite!!
Parents raise their children to be autonamous, and when they are ready they go out into the world.
In a sense he is parenting YOU, and instead of easing you out into the world, or waiting for YOU to make the decision if and when to leave (the client is the only one who knows when they are ready; a t should NEVER abandon a client);
He pushed you away.
Wrong and UNethical.
I am so sorry, sweetie!
Hugs, Sassy
P.S. He needs to hear exactly what you have said here.
Posted by Amanda29 on April 28, 2008, at 15:50:56
In reply to Re: This is ABANDONMENT!, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 28, 2008, at 13:00:33
Thanks for your post...he didnt fully abandon me though...we are working though it...he emailed me and told me his reasoning for what he said in the previous session that made me THINK he was abandoning me... He told me he still cared about me and that he isnt going anywhere...so of course I accepted that.
What you said about how your parents teach you to be autonomous...mine never did. Honestly...I am a 29 year old going on 12..with an emotional maturity of a 2 to 4 year old....dont I sound fun?! So he is just trying to heal the "younger' me, and work on the autonomy of the older me.. and what I am finding out right from the start is that trying to heal the younger me...is extremely painful.
Anyway. I will survive. Hopefully.
Im so thankful that I can post on this site and get the thoughts and opinions of others...I dont have anyone in my life that I can talk to so this is huge.
Posted by Amanda29 on May 4, 2008, at 18:37:41
In reply to Re: This is ABANDONMENT! » sassyfrancesca, posted by Amanda29 on April 28, 2008, at 15:50:56
So, Follow up from my previous posts...
I met with my T and we cleared the air about my feeling that he was abandoning me...and he said he had no intention of abandoning me and that he was still going to remain being a support for me. That all made me feel much better.
He wanted to know what other people on this website said in regards to the situation and I briefly told him.
Anyway, all is much better. He is starting up a group therapy that is meeting starting on tuesday evening...(I am not a big fan of group therapy) I did group theraoy in Rehab and it was the worst therapy I have ever had. So, I am not too excited. But, he seems to think that it will help me...and I trust him. So I told him I would give it a try. Lord knows I need all the therapy I can get.
I have a new question. I dont know if this happens to anyone else...but I pace a lot. I get this thought in my mind and I pace my house talking over and over out loud about every detail of the thought/situation. I dont find this to be normal behavior because I do it constantly. I joke about the amount of weight I should be losing due to my pacing, but of course it is just a joke.My mind races like crazy and these ideas or thoughts or sitations get into my mind and I have to "act them out". It isnt right. I am just wondering if there is anyone else out there that has similair experiences ...I know it is normal to think outloud or to talk out loud, but the longest my pacing has lasted is 3 hours. Not normal.
If anyone else has had this happen to them...what did you do about it and how can you get it to stop? I might be asking a stupid question..but this is really bothering me.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 5, 2008, at 12:22:02
In reply to Re: This is ABANDONMENT!, posted by Amanda29 on May 4, 2008, at 18:37:41
Re: pacing; it may just be your way of self-soothing......Maybe you could take take up walking?
As far as parents teaching us to be autonamous? I misspoke myself. I only had a mother, and she really didn't teach me anything; except my need to get out (away from her)!!
I joined the army right out of high school and have been going ever since!
Pulled myself up by my bootstraps, as it were; I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, just returned to school (age 61); won a scholarship, written my memoir, been published in a psych. journal; just returned from hawaii from the American Counseling Asssociation Convention (as a student I can be a member), and just keep going!
Driven to make a difference!
Hugs, Sassy
This is the end of the thread.
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