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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
I'm having some trouble understanding what all is going on with me.
Meeting with my therapist more often is really helping to move things along I believe.I have all these feelings (i'll spare you the morbid detail) which are actually getting more and more intrusive by the day, not less.
I also have got to be the only person in their 30's to take up self-injury, or thinking about self-injury or trying not self-injure as a past-time.
Maybe it's because I'm allowing myself to not only feel, but express my feelings about CSA, but DAMN, i feel a little out of control, very wobbly.
I don't completely understand why I feel this way.
Any ideas?
Seldom.
Posted by muffled on April 24, 2008, at 15:31:34
In reply to Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
Hi seldom :-)
Dunno for sure, I have many reason for SI.
One common one is 'overwhelm'.
When I am overwhelmed I want to SI to 'make it stop'.
I am in my 40's and I SI, so don't feel bad. You SI before?
Anyhow, you need maybe for your T to slow down, and also to learn and LIST on paper some coping things that work for you.
So don't try to rush thru this stuff OK?
Its been there alotta years, it can wait a little longer. try and pace yourself as best as you are able.
Stability BEFORE deeper work is important, and it often needs to be reinforced over and over again as you go along.
Best wishes to you on this journey.
M
Posted by widget on April 24, 2008, at 17:42:45
In reply to Re: Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by muffled on April 24, 2008, at 15:31:34
No, you are not the only one to contemplate cutting after 30! My dear daughter did just that years ago and I now think I understand the reason. Or, my reason may be different but I understand the impulse. Try not to act on it because it can make for some scars that I know my daughter wishes she didn't have. However, I think when she did the cutting it was the only way she could cope. Again, can your therapist help? Hope so. Widget
Posted by Happyflower on April 24, 2008, at 18:53:43
In reply to Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
Hi Seldom,
Well I think we can call see why you would want to with all that has been happening lately but please don't start if you can. I heard others try to do other things that don't cause injury or scars like snapping a rubber on your wrist or taking a cold shower or something. Still hurts, but won't be as damaging to you. I think you need to call your T, tell him what is going one. I care about you, and wish the best for you. I am sorry you are hurting.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2008, at 19:15:51
In reply to Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
You wouldn't be the only one to start in her thirties.
For me it's really tied to either anxiety or anger. I imagine you're feeling more than enough of either or both. Medication is what's most helpful to me. But expressing the anger verbally to my therapist is also helpful.
Anything that helps with anxiety might help. Exercise, relaxation. And doing that mindfulness exercise where you watch the urges and thoughts like watching leaves float by on a stream, without judging them or trying to stop having them, that helps me some.
Posted by Phillipa on April 24, 2008, at 23:21:17
In reply to Re: Understanding what is happening to me - SI tri » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2008, at 19:15:51
I use a substitute I cut up my clothes as they are mine paid for by me and I have the right to do what I please with them. So My anger is taken out on clothes. Sometimes banging the floor works too. Childish on my part. But this is when feelings have no place to go except towards me. So I stay safe. Love Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on April 25, 2008, at 5:00:02
In reply to Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
I got a really good night's rest last night and I feel better this morning. Things just get exacerbated when I am tired.
Now that my T has come on board, it has helped as well. He has instructed me to call him when the urge to SI becomes overwhelming because he wants to know what I'm thinking about when it happens. Right now though the thoughts just don't seem to be developing into words. It's more like I just want to be gone you know?
I don't understand where that feeling is coming from.
Work is just unrelenting and I wish I could take a vacation. I definately think it is contributing to that overwhelmed feeling that muffled was talking about.
My T and I also discussed increasing my prozac for a while. I'm conflicted about that. On the one hand, I'm pretty sure a higher dose will help stop the intrusive thoughts. On the other hand, I think those thoughts have meaning - although it hasn't come to me yet - and I don't want to block them. I want to understand where they are coming from.
I wish life were like the movies - where the patient has some breakthrough in therapy and just walks off into the sunset, sure to have a wonderful life now that they know the "truth".
In my experience the breakthough is when the work really starts - and it sucks!Anyway. I'll just muddle through with this somehow, trying not to hurt myself or others too badly in the process. I'm just going to have to re-learn to sit with bad feelings again.
I also have all these bizarre somatic symptoms, back ache, belly ache etc... I wonder if I'm actually sick or just have some bizarre conversion disorder simply underscoring the fact that I have lost my mind.
Seldom
Posted by B2chica on April 25, 2008, at 10:52:56
In reply to Understanding what is happening to me - SI trigger, posted by seldomseen on April 24, 2008, at 15:20:49
you are not the only person in ther 30's.
although i did it in HS. i stopped when i was 19. but then started again when i was 30, i stopped when i turned 33. and have only done a few SI since then. but Thought about it A LOOOOOOOT.you are NOT alone.
Self Injury is a coping skill, granted not a healthy one, but one at that. it's a way to cope with things we don't know otherwise how to deal with. extreme emotions, pain, fear, anger.
you may be SI because you have so many emotions inside that they don't know how to come out, and just sort of explode. it's their way of getting out, just not in a healthy way.
People SI for many reasons, some to feel something, some not to feel anything, some to snap out of dissociation, sometimes i didn't even know i was doing it, others it becomes ritual and an addiction, almost like having a cigarette after you get yelled at by someone. "yell at me well screw you i'm gonna go cut" -not telling them that but you thinking that", it's externalizing the internal pain you feel and instead of taking it out on other people (because you are too sensitive for that) you take it out on yourself.it may help to find another healthy outlet of expression.
sometimes something physical helps, exercise, walking, running, swimming?
sometimes expression in art pottery, drawing, painting?
sometimes in music, listening, dancing, singing?
and sometimes in literature, reading or writing it. maybe journaling would be a great start for you.
go to target or something and pick out a really cool notebook and a nice pen. and start journaling everyday, even if you have nothing to say, get in the habit of journaling for 15min everyday, trust me even if it doesn't come at first it will soon come and before you know it you will fill that notebook. the journal can be tellings of the day, drawings, scribbles, poems, whatever you want in there. it's yours. and you only have to share with your T or whomever IF you choose to.
And one the nurses told me which surprises me cuz its seems kinda like a type of SI but it works is taking an ice cube and holding it tight in your hand for as LONG as you can. yow, let me tell you it's NASTY bad! but won't leave a scar either.you probably feel a little wobbly because even though you may have thought about or had feelings about the CSA for years you probably haven't discussed it much (reprocessed it), it makes it much more real and makes you feel weird almost a little "out of it" because you are putting something that's been secret and locked away inside of you for so Very very long out in the open. and it's scary, maybe there were threats and part of you remembers those threats.
Posted by rskontos on April 25, 2008, at 23:20:15
In reply to To all - thanks., posted by seldomseen on April 25, 2008, at 5:00:02
Seldom, those back aches and belly aches could actually be physical remembrances as I call them. Where the body remembers separately what happened to it. I read all about this type of memory in a book about trauma.
I would say more but really can't. Hope you feel better.
rsk
Posted by seldomseen on April 26, 2008, at 7:10:34
In reply to Re: Understanding what is happening to me - SI tri, posted by B2chica on April 25, 2008, at 10:52:56
"it's externalizing the internal pain you feel and instead of taking it out on other people (because you are too sensitive for that) you take it out on yourself"
I think you are right on with this. I've often commented on how I outwardly look so normal, but on the inside - well, not so much.
Also, right after my head injury, I looked completely fine, no visible signs of trauma at all. I didn't even have a black eye or anything. Just some facial swelling that went away in a few days.
I guess somehow I think those scars should be visible you know?
I'm going to start keeping a journal and try to articulate in it when the feelings of SI are so strong. What I'm thinking about etc... And give that to my therapist so he can help me to identify the acute triggers.
Thank you for your post and your insight.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on April 26, 2008, at 7:11:20
In reply to Re: To all - thanks. » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on April 25, 2008, at 23:20:15
thanks Rsk.
Take care
Seldom.
Posted by Daisym on April 26, 2008, at 16:34:02
In reply to Re: Understanding what is happening to me - SI tri » B2chica, posted by seldomseen on April 26, 2008, at 7:10:34
I'm sorry I've been gone and not around to support you as you enter this very painful part of therapy. You are doing really hard work and it is very painful.
I started a particular form of SI in my 40s...I think it is the internal pain that drives it, not your age. And I completely agree that much of it is about externalizing the pain, having something to focus on when your insides are exploding.
I also think it is about control - regaining control over the pain and the beginning and end of it. And controlling the wound - how big, how deep, how messy, how obvious - do you hide your scars or show them to the world, daring someone to ask about it.
And SI is often a reenactment - the build up of stress, anxiety and pain - then the wounding part (doesn't matter that it is self-inflicted) and then the relief that it is over and the shame of the act. Your psyche is struggling to release profound pain after keeping it crushed for so long. It is hard to find positive ways of coping. This is a major reason I have so many session per week. I just couldn't cope with the flood or contain the feelings alone.
I'm glad your therapist is "on call" for this. I think a journal is a great idea. Know that the ride is rocky but it does smooth out here and there and the moments of healing, when they come, make it worth the difficult journey.
Posted by seldomseen on April 27, 2008, at 9:52:33
In reply to Re: Understanding what is happening to me - SI tri » seldomseen, posted by Daisym on April 26, 2008, at 16:34:02
Daisy!
Welcome back, I hope you had a good trip. No worries at all about you not being here. I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for your insight into my situation. Containing the feelings is a huge issue for me, that is why I went after increased sessions with my T so strongly. It helps to sort of give a place to put them - in his office.
He had been reassuring me that the thoughts I have are a very small part of me, but I don't feel that way at all. It seems as though this part of me is huge and diametrically opposed to the person I thought I was.
Everything is now very conflicted and I just can't integrate it.
I show my cuts. I guess for the first time I want people to know what I am going through.
However, in the past few days the desire to do myself harm is lessening. Knowing that my T is there is helping immensely. This emergent odd fear of him just abandoning me has been somewhat assuaged.
I think we are all very resillient souls who can take pretty much whatever life throws at us. It doesn't always go down easy, but somehow we absorb it and go on.
Seldom.
This is the end of the thread.
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