Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
My T is right, I build my self esteem to what others think and say to me. That is fine when good things are said regularly, but one can't count on that. But how do you change? As a child, it was important for teachers to like me.
Lately some good things are happening to me. I got accepted for an internship that is a good one, working directly with people (not stuffing envelopes). The fact that they thought I am capable of helping others in their life, gives me confidence. But it would be easier if I believed in myself first. Then when I told others of what I was doing, all of sudden I have others who want me to be their intern. I am not sure what to do with that info, it is too much for me to believe.
Then later this month I am getting a reward for academics, it is a big deal to others, there is the professors in their Harry Potter outfits parading about. I am like I don't feel like I fit in. Yes I worked hard, but I don't feel like I am one of them. My T says it is due to my poor self esteem. He wants me to go to this, and be proud of myself. But yet I feel it is silly and I am down playing it like it isn't a big deal.
So I see why having my self esteem wrapped up in what others think is bad, even if it is good stuff, because deep down I don't feel I deserve anything, I am not special, please just smack me instead, it is what I know, what I grew up with.
At least I know I am noticed.But how do you change from what was smacked into your head your whole childhood that you are nothing but sh*t and don't deserve anything? Why can't I believe the good stuff people say about me? How do I change a whole lifetime of thinking? It feels like a handicap in my thinking.
Posted by LadyBug on April 21, 2008, at 21:37:21
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
If I knew how to get it I'd let you know because I suffer from it too. It's always been so important to me to feel like I am ok in my T's eyes. Am I? I've thought so a lot of the time. Now I'm pretty sure I'm that piece of S**t I refer to every now and then. (Like now!)
I think you are pretty amazing, you've accomplished so much the past few years. It's the committee that takes up space in out head that confuses us.
Thanks for being my friend.
LadyBug
Posted by raisinb on April 21, 2008, at 22:22:11
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
Happyflower, I have the same issue. I've struggled all my life with it.
Once I read in some online forum--"If you want self-esteem, do things that are estimable." This is a cliche, but I think it is true. The catch is you have to do things that are important to your true self--not things that you view as important to other people.
I have realized throughout therapy that I know who I want to be, but it might be different than who I think I'm supposed to be (and it's difficult for me to separate the two). For instance, I'd tell you a year ago, "I want to be married!" when in fact I do not know the first thing about marriage and I don't know anyone I want to be married to. But it was drummed into my head by my mother--and our society--that you're not a valuable person if you're not.
I am only starting to realize that "I want to be a loving, caring person" is the real me, for example, and "I want to be married" is just my mother in my head. So if I got married tomorrow, it probably wouldn't mean much to me in the long term. But if I do something loving tomorrow--from my heart--it will probably make me feel better about myself.
I also notice my self-esteem goes up when I do things that are very hard for me (I'm not good with money, so opening and paying a bill does it).
I always think what I want are others' praises, but really what I want is my own, I think. It's just so hard to figure out what your real self wants and how to give that praise to yourself.
Posted by rskontos on April 21, 2008, at 22:35:53
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it? » Happyflower, posted by raisinb on April 21, 2008, at 22:22:11
Happyflower, I think raisinb is on to something. Knowing our real self is hard because we weren't given time to know our selves as a child. IT was taking away. To often we try to be what we see the world as valuing and that in turn does not always make us happy. So we keep trying to get it right and not always succeeding. In order to get self esteem we must try to first know our true selves. And that is so very hard now as an adult with so many roles we took up before we knew ourselves very well.
I realized I went to school and became a teacher out of default not because that was what I wanted. Now I haven't a clue what I the real me really wants. I know if I figure it out I could do a bang up job at it, it is just being able to get to my real self to discover that. I am still peeling back layers looking at what I find and marveling at it. So in time I will find it. I think for right now I have to be satisfied with knowing what I don't want to do and get some small self esteem from that.
After all self esteem is in my own definition knowing your self and holding it in high regard. How many of us were ever given that chance. Second chances are being created by us, and that is hard work, fulfilling I think but really hard.
I think that each of us, and especially you when you think about are working slowly but measurably toward the goal of having self esteem. However, when you try to measure it in huge amounts like you are perhaps it is tougher.
I would say you are growing in it daily, I see it, we all see it here, it is just that HF you must now try to define it for yourself so that you can measure it too.
rsk
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 22, 2008, at 7:41:04
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
I understand that. I never felt adequate or good enough.....however I have worked at it.
Every time someone says something nice about me, or something good happens, I write it down, and read it when not feeling so good.
I think it is a matter of re-writing history; trying hard to ignore the old tapes (what are all lies), and re-write your OWN story and truth.
I know it is hard, because even tho I won a scholarship, have unbelievable endorsements for my memoir (Elie Wiesel being one; survivor of Auschwitz has written to me), have a poetry site with amazing comments (amost 13,000 hits now); been published in a psychiatric journal, published twice in a University journal, am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, etc., etc.....you get the picture; there is still this little voice that says: They aren't really talking about you; you aren't that good/important.
The only thing I can do, is tell those voices to shutup and put positive things in that brain; it is a fight to get self-esteem, but it can be done; write, talk, think, etc....
Technically, you/we know the truth and understand, but it is the emotions (old tapes--lies told to us by people who hated their own selves) that we fight....I wish I had the answer; no one does; we just have to keep reaffirming that we ARE worthy, and we DO count, and we ARE valuable, and look at what we have accomplished.
Love, Ally-gurl/twin
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2008, at 9:21:18
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
I think raisinb is on to something.
Also, we learned as Montessori parents to frame praise very carefully. To make praise specific and realistic. And to put the emphasis on the child's pride in himself.
I don't know though. My son and I both received a similar approach to esteem when we were young. But self esteem was never a problem with me, except in areas where I had no particular reason to esteem myself. In other words, I think my self assessment is relatively accurate. I have no problem in scampering in delight with myself in areas where I excel, or in properly being disgusted with myself. While my son seems to have more global issues with self esteem that may have at least something to do with his strong moral ideals on not evaluating anything at all.
I think it's a far more complex topic than merely how we were raised. I think it might be some alchemy on how we were raised and our innate temperament and maybe our neurochemical state.
And strangely enough, I think it has something to do with self discipline and gaining some detachment. And also in practicing radical acceptance of things in general, which would spill over to acceptance of yourself.
But I'm no huge expert. :)
Ego strength I don't see as being the same as self esteem. Related maybe.
Posted by Racer on April 22, 2008, at 11:06:51
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
Seriously, though, I think what's already been said is right on: self esteem is built on accomplishment.
Studies have shown that academic achievement predicts healthy self-esteem, but good self esteem does not predict academic achievement. The first I read involved testing children several times through their school years. The first test cycle identified high achieving students, and students with good self esteem. The follow up, about three years later, showed that the students with academic achievement the first round had higher self-esteem on the second round, but those who started out with self-esteem had not improved academic performance -- and their self-esteem had slipped a bit, too.
So, if you want self-esteem, look at your achievements, and try to figure out which ones *you* value. Not which ones you've received good feedback from, but which ones *you,* yourself, value. Which ones would be most important to you if you were along in a dark room? Those are the things to pursue, to continue to improve your self-esteem.
Hope that helps.
Posted by raisinb on April 22, 2008, at 11:47:24
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
For me at least, it's been difficult to improve myself without *some* level of self-acceptance. When I valued myself less, I was unable to look at myself realistically because I was so scared of what I'd find and so convinced that I was worthless that I avoided all discussion of possible areas for improvement--both in therapy and real life.
Paradoxically, it seems as though self-acceptance and changing for the better are interdependent.
I'm gonna go to Nordstrom's on my lunch break.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 22, 2008, at 15:27:25
In reply to what's hard is, posted by raisinb on April 22, 2008, at 11:47:24
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:40:42
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it? » Happyflower, posted by LadyBug on April 21, 2008, at 21:37:21
Thanks Ladybug,
I could become a millionaire if I could come up with a pill that will take all the negative stuff from the past and erase it and at the same time put good thoughts in place of bad.
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:41:24
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:40:42
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:47:35
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it? » Happyflower, posted by raisinb on April 21, 2008, at 22:22:11
Very good Rasinb. I think you are right. I remember it was so important for my old if I continued to play the trumpet which I started up in therapy with him. His ego was connected to me playing.
Well with this new T, I have stopped playing, because I realized I was doing it for HIM, and not so much for me. So I started to do something I always wanted to do, but music always came first. So I am writing poetry and it means so much more to me. Plus I feel like I am accomplishing something more than when I was playing the trumpet.
So I need to set myself up with small stuff to accomplish. I think this internship will be a good thing, this summer it is only 3 hrs a week of training. I think I can handle that plus it will feel good helping others I think.
Thanks for your post, it made me think a lot about stuff.
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:53:30
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it?, posted by rskontos on April 21, 2008, at 22:35:53
Wow, Rk,
I guess you are right, I never had a chance to even discover who I am. I joke to my T that I feel like I am a teenager in college trying to discover myself 20 years later than normal, but yet I am doing it now. So good point.
I am slowly even starting to like who I am. When I am being myself I act like a free spirit, I embrace life with gusto. Depression has taken some of that away lately, but once in awhile I will feel like that.
Thanks for your support!
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:55:57
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it?, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 22, 2008, at 7:41:04
; we just have to keep reaffirming that we ARE worthy, and we DO count, and we ARE valuable, and look at what we have accomplished.
This is such a good quote Ally, I like it a lot. Now to only do what it says....
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 19:59:09
In reply to Re: self esteem, how to get it? » Happyflower, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2008, at 9:21:18
Hi Dinah,
I have read your post 3 times and I am still trying to figure it all out. It kinda makes sense but it could be me too, since I think Prozac is making my thinking foggy-like.
I am anxious to start ego strengthening with my T soon, so maybe then I will get it.
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 20:02:11
In reply to I got mine at Nordstrom » Happyflower, posted by Racer on April 22, 2008, at 11:06:51
I think for me, motherhood really has defined me and I value it so much and feel good about how well of a job I have done with it in spite of my past. But I need more because my babies are growing up now, my daughter is a teenager now. Yikes! I can't believe I am almost 40!!!!
Thanks Racer, nice to see you on the boards again.
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 20:05:08
In reply to what's hard is, posted by raisinb on April 22, 2008, at 11:47:24
> For me at least, it's been difficult to improve myself without *some* level of self-acceptance. When I valued myself less, I was unable to look at myself realistically because I was so scared of what I'd find and so convinced that I was worthless that I avoided all discussion of possible areas for improvement--both in therapy and real life.
>
> Paradoxically, it seems as though self-acceptance and changing for the better are interdependent.
>
This is so good Raisin and I can relate to it very much. Thanks
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 22, 2008, at 22:11:54
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
I also think part of it is recognizing when you are doing things that harm your self-esteem. Like do you do a lot of negative self-talk? Like tell yourself, "I'm so stupid" etc.? You can work on this in therapy. Cognitive Behavioral approaches are good with that sort of thing. Or do you hang out with people who put you down? Again, a good topic for therapy.
It's a struggle, no doubt. I'm struggling along with ya!
Best,
EE
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