Posted by raisinb on April 21, 2008, at 22:22:11
In reply to self esteem, how to get it?, posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
Happyflower, I have the same issue. I've struggled all my life with it.
Once I read in some online forum--"If you want self-esteem, do things that are estimable." This is a cliche, but I think it is true. The catch is you have to do things that are important to your true self--not things that you view as important to other people.
I have realized throughout therapy that I know who I want to be, but it might be different than who I think I'm supposed to be (and it's difficult for me to separate the two). For instance, I'd tell you a year ago, "I want to be married!" when in fact I do not know the first thing about marriage and I don't know anyone I want to be married to. But it was drummed into my head by my mother--and our society--that you're not a valuable person if you're not.
I am only starting to realize that "I want to be a loving, caring person" is the real me, for example, and "I want to be married" is just my mother in my head. So if I got married tomorrow, it probably wouldn't mean much to me in the long term. But if I do something loving tomorrow--from my heart--it will probably make me feel better about myself.
I also notice my self-esteem goes up when I do things that are very hard for me (I'm not good with money, so opening and paying a bill does it).
I always think what I want are others' praises, but really what I want is my own, I think. It's just so hard to figure out what your real self wants and how to give that praise to yourself.
poster:raisinb
thread:824665
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/824715.html