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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
I know I dont post much any more, but I've been thinking about something recently and I think some of you might have good opinions to offer. Those who were here 2 years ago, when I used to post much more often, might remember the situation where I was abandoned (in my opinion) by the therapist I'd seen for two years. I was in a rough place and entered a partial day program, and when I did, she terminated me without so much as a phone call and refused a final session. It's in the archives (her name was Anne), if anyone wants to look. I already have significant issues with abandonment and trust and what she did felt like a repeat of a traumatic event from my teenage years. It was very hurtful and took me awhile to get over.
Long story short, I've had the idea of calling her up now, 2 years later, and asking to speak with her in person (I'd be willing to pay) about this and what happened. I'd like to confront her about it, ask some questions, and tell her how it felt to me. It would be done in a respectful, calm way and with the understanding that I might not get what I want from her. I have questions I'd like to ask. I did write her a letter or two right after it happened that were respectful but blunt (I was mad!), and never received a response, but 2 years later, I'm thinking it may be different. My current therapist and I have talked about doing this and she is supportive of it, although we havent really talked in great detail about it yet. She has offered to speak with ex-T also to assure her that my motivation is good, etc and that I'm not just doing it so I can blast her in person.
When I think of ex-T now, I dont have a lot of strong feeling about it. I pass her office almost daily and if I see her car, I sometimes call her a name in my head, but then I let it go. I guess there is some anger and hurt there still, but it doesnt overcome me at all. I think I am in a place where I'm able to handle talking with her. It wouldnt be easy, but I think I could do it.
I had a dream last night about this. I was in her office. I recognized the furniture, the room, etc. I confronted her about what had happened. I dont remember much, but we were arguing back and forth, in a way therapists and clients never would argue. It wasnt real pretty.
I guess I'm looking for opinions on whether you think I should or should not do this, how it should/shouldnt be done, etc. I'd definitely think out what I wanted to say and talk with current T a lot before doing it.. I'm not just going to jump in blind... but any thoughts would be great. I know I have to be ready for the possibility that she wont respond like I want her to. I think I'm at a place where I can handle that if it happened. I just feel the need to get SOMETHING from her, and express to her how bad it felt to me 2 years ago, so I know she hears it from me (whether she validates/agrees with it or not).
Posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2008, at 20:00:22
In reply to confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
Wishingstar that's a tough one. Two years is a long time. And you say your current therapist is behind you? I don't know what to say advise wise. Are you sure you can handle maybe her not remembering you? I say this as they see so many people. Good luck in what you decide to do with help from current therapist. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on April 13, 2008, at 20:55:33
In reply to confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
Hi Wishingstar - nice to see you. Thanks for explaining, as I wasn't reading this board then.
I copied part of your post:
>I know I have to be ready for the possibility that she wont respond like I want her to. I think I'm at a place where I can handle that if it happened. I just feel the need to get SOMETHING from her, and express to her how bad it felt to me 2 years ago, so I know she hears it from me (whether she validates/agrees with it or not).
*******you're saying that you know she might not respond like you'd like her to.
Next you say:
1) you feel the need to get SOMETHING from her &
2) express to her how you felt & know she hears you.Well, as to #1, although you're prepared to not get what you WANT from her, you DO want to get something. I think it'd be important to be prepared to get NOTHING. She might simply not say anything. I mean that would be totally weird, but I think you'd need to be prepared to accept that. For ex, would you be able to handle it if she said, "I see." then silence, silence, silence.
She sounds VERY unprofessional to me, so who knows WHAT she'd do!As to #2, that seems valid & achievable. And I suspect she'd 'hear' your words....whether she'd 'hear' your feelings is another matter. Once again, she might just say "Oh. I see." silence; silence; silence.
I'm glad to hear that you'd discuss it thoroughly with your now-T.
I'm somewhat concerned in case it ends up that you're unknowingly setting yourself up to get hurt. Maybe you & your now-T could do some role-playing & you could 'feel' how it might end up feeling.
Your T sounds great! I'm so glad you have someone who is good. That other experience sounds awful & I applaud you for being brave enough to even GET another T after that experience.
I send hugs, Kath xoxo
Posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 21:25:12
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist » wishingstar, posted by Phillipa on April 13, 2008, at 20:00:22
yes phillia, it is tough. A big risk. But I doubt have any doubts that she'd remember me. She only works part-time so has a smaller than average number of clients, and given our relationship and the way it ended, I'm sure she'd remember me. I doubt she remembers me as well as I remember her, but I cant imagine she'd have forgotten me completely. Especially since I saw her weekly for 2 years. If she really didnt remember me... I guess in a way, that'd be an answer in itself. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 21:41:47
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist » wishingstar, posted by Kath on April 13, 2008, at 20:55:33
Hey Kath. :) I know a lot of people on babble now weren't around when it happened. It was quite a mess and I posted about it a lot. But what I said in this post is all thats really significant now I think.
I guess I feel like even no response would be something, if that makes sense. It wouldnt be an explanation of her thoughts/feelings/etc, but it would tell me a great deal. It certainly isnt what I hope for, but even if it's all I got, at least I'd walk away with a better sense of.. her perspective, I guess. Her caring, or lack thereof. I feel I should add here, since I used the word caring, that regardless of how she would react, I dont expect any warm caring feelings and thats not what I'm searching for. In some way, I think it'd be therapeutic for me to go meet her and if she responded in that way, be able to say "listen, this isnt okay, and I feel xyz". I wasnt able to do that in the past with people who hurt me as a teen, but I can do it with her. I think it would be a big step for me and a statement of self worth and self respect, if that makes sense. Even if I got nothing. Not to say it wouldnt be terribly hurtful...
I guess the only thing that would really hurt would be if she refused my request to meet with her. That could happen. I think the fact that my current T is backing me up, and is willing to explain to her why I want to meet with her etc, would help... but it's not a guarantee she'd agree. An outright refusal would hurt.
And yes, I know what you mean about her hearing but not necessarily "hearing". Of course I want her to hear the feelings, but just knowing that shes heard the words is more than I have right now.
My other concern (and I doubt this would happen) is that she'd completely hear my feelings and be very validating etc and I'd leave with a yearning to reconnect with her. That could be disastrous. But she was never good at validating my feelings so it's probably pretty unlikely.
I havent talked to current T about this in awhile, but I'll probably bring it up again at my next appt on Thurs. Thanks for the things to think about.
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2008, at 23:31:58
In reply to confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
Wishing,
Honestly, I would let it go. Maybe role play it with your current T, but don't call or write the old one.
In the end you WON! You are doing well without her.
MB
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 14, 2008, at 8:43:16
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist » wishingstar, posted by MidnightBlue on April 13, 2008, at 23:31:58
> Wishing,
>
> Honestly, I would let it go. Maybe role play it with your current T, but don't call or write the old one.
>
> In the end you WON! You are doing well without her.
>
> MBI second what MB says. You know in your heart that she did you wrong. Hearing it from her lips won't make much of a difference. If you need to confirm that what she did was unethical, just reread your posts from that time (yes, I remember them).
living well is the best revenge
nice to see you again. stick around?
Ll
Posted by Nadezda on April 14, 2008, at 11:22:15
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist) wishie, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 14, 2008, at 8:43:16
I also remember your posts, wishingstar. (I used to post under another name in the past.)
I also had the reaction that MB and LLurpsieN had. There's always going to be a bad place in your heart because of that relationship. It'll get smaller and smaller over time. As I recall, you did communicate quite clearly, in several ways, your sense of your old Ts having treated you badly, unfeelingly, and inappropriately-- even if you didn't say those words to her directly in a session.
I don't think she can give you what you hope for, sort of closure and some ability to repair of the loss that you experienced. She can't-- but time and life will do that-- they really will. I would work with your new T on letting go-- accepting that you hoped for something from your old T and that you were disappointed and hurt by her-- and on learning that sometimes you just have accept that you're hurt and angry-- but you aren't made less by it-- and finding how to let it rest.
That's extremely hard, I know-- when you drive by her house or see her car. Is there any way, even going a different way, that you could avoid her house? I think not having reminders of the old pain is better right now than bringing the memories up--- in everyday, or in a special session-- or reexperiencing the hurt and anger, disappointment and frustration all again.
My worry is that you'll do more to reopen the wounds than find comfort in having said something to her that she probably won't be any more able to respond to, than she was before.
I hope things are going really well for you,
Nadezda
Posted by raisinb on April 14, 2008, at 11:26:01
In reply to confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
Hi WS--
I remember reading about the Anne incident a couple of years ago (I'd just started lurking then). From my impressions then, I'd agree with the other posters--she probably won't give you what you need if you contact her again. I guess it's possible that she's changed and become a vastly less defensive person and a better therapist (people do)...but...it's a risk.Sometimes when I get urges like this, it helps to analyze what in my life at the moment is bringing them up. In other words, it's been two years since you and Anne parted ways. So...why now?
Just a thought...feel free to disregard. Hope you are doing well :)
Posted by wishingstar on April 14, 2008, at 17:03:20
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist » wishingstar, posted by raisinb on April 14, 2008, at 11:26:01
Thanks everyone for the responses. Since most of you said very similar things, I'll just respond all at once.
First of all, to answer the question of "why now".... a lot of reasons and yet no reason, I guess. I've been thinking about it for a year or so (it actually happened more like 1 1/2 years ago I guess). I had a dream about doing it two nights ago which was interesting as I hadnt even thought of her in some time and it retriggered the idea in my mind. Another reason I dont think I can explain in any concise way. Simply, I started working a new job last November in the social work field that has forced me to face a lot of things for me, step outside of my comfort zone every day, and face a lot of truths about my childhood in very direct ways. I've only been there 6 months, but I have grown a lot personally. I'm suddenly looking at my relationship with my not-so-great parents in a new and empowered way and I think it's bleeding into other areas of my life as well. So long story short, I think some of these feelings might be playing into it as well.
I wouldnt say that I have a lot of painful feelings left over regarding this woman anymore. I suppose if I think enough about it, it is still upsetting.. but mostly in a cognitive way, not a deep emotional way. I dont think of it often.
I think part of this has to do with my wanting to take some control back from someone in my life, after the things I've been experiencing since starting my new job. I wouldnt say this T has control over me now. She doesnt. But it'd feel empowering to confront her. It really feels more about me than her. I know I can (and I think have) let it go, and let her go, even if I never speak to her again.
I think you all are right though that it could open wounds more deeply than I expect it would. It's hard to know.
I'm going to talk to my current T about this on Thursday. I think it'd be very healthy and a positive step for me in some ways.. and about something much bigger than what she personally did. At the same time, it's risky. It could be more painful than I'm expecting and could really shake me up badly. I guess it's partially a question of whether it's worth that risk.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going to think hard about what you've all said.
Posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:48:46
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 14, 2008, at 17:03:20
Hi Wishing star,
I agree with a lot of what has been said. Somehow I don't think she will give you what you need or want, it wasn't capable then, and after all this time, I doubt see will "see the light" of her actions.
I would be interested in what your T thinks you should do. Take care wishing star, you are special.
Posted by caraher on April 14, 2008, at 22:06:07
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 14, 2008, at 17:03:20
It sounds like you're considering all the important factors, and I'm glad that there are ways in which your difficult job are helping you feel in some ways more in control of your life.
> I know I have to be ready for the possibility that she wont respond like I want her to.
My first thought was, "How do you want her to respond?" Do you even know? (Which I ask because it might be that only after meeting with her could you put your finger on just what you wanted.)
It's also good that your current therapist is helping you with this decision and potentially with helping bring about a meeting.
Posted by wishingstar on April 15, 2008, at 6:18:47
In reply to Re: confronting an old therapist, posted by caraher on April 14, 2008, at 22:06:07
Thanks John. You know, that's a very good question and something I need to think about. I guess I have a sense of what I want... I want her to overall allow me to talk without being defensive and to respond in a way that gives me some kind of insight as to what she was thinking or what happened, in her mind.. since we all experience things differently. I dont expect any long drawn out explanation, her feelings, anything like that, I and I dont expect (and really dont want) tons and tons of validation. In an ideal world some validation from her would be nice. I dont expect it. But I'd rather have none than boats of it. I need to think more about this as I think knowing exactly what I hope for, and maybe even being able to ask for it directly, would be very important if I choose to do this.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 15, 2008, at 10:40:08
In reply to confronting an old therapist, posted by wishingstar on April 13, 2008, at 18:47:49
Hi, sweetie: I remember you. I left about 2 years ago (still in love after 5 years with my t; such a long story, LOL)
I call what you want "Restorative Justice" This is what you did. This is how it made me feel.....most important words I ever heard in my life (from my t).
The point is; it doesn't matter what THEY do or say; only what you have to say about how you were hurt. I believe that is validating and important...and for me......is necessary after a lifetime of abuse.
It is excellent that your t is validating you. If you can psych yourself up for disappointment in not getting what you need from the "old" t, then I would go for it. It will still hurt, but perhaps won't be so devastating if you are as prepared as you can be; especially when you are talking about it with your t. Perhaps you could write everything down that you want to discuss with her, so you don't get de-tailed or upset, etc....
It is about YOU and NOT about what she thought or thinks; done in a respectful way, you can walk out with a weight lifted and know you did what you needed to.....for YOU.
Love, Alice (formerly Allison)
This is the end of the thread.
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