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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
This past weekend was a milestone for me - I sent my first email to my therapist and received his first reply. We were testing things - I'm going to be away for an extended period and this will be the best way to communicate - so we wanted to make sure it would work and I had the right name, and all that.
I was really anxious about writing to him. Cyber-space is supposed to be less personal, and less scary. But for me, it is ultra-personal and the written word often reveals truths that my mouth refuses to say. His reply was short and nice and he thought my screen name was "interesting." I didn't think I was anxious about getting a reply but upon reflection, I actually avoided my computer almost all day - which is very unusual for me. And wow - was my heart beating fast when I saw he'd replied. I felt in trouble, and kind of scared and a bunch of other things.
We talked about this today. I can't really explain very well why it was so huge for me to email him and to get a reply. I "write" to him all the time - I journal with him in my head and often take the pages in and read them in therapy. He usually gets a copy to keep, to he sees my words on the page. But it still feels big - like I'm letting him in a very protected space. I was frustrated because I just couldn't explain why this is a big deal. And I can't really get a handle on my feelings around this.
He wanted me to know that email usually feels really impersonal to him and it isn't his style to communicate this way, so his replies will probably be short. He said it doesn't mean he doesn't care. But he also wanted me to know that he did understand that writing was important to me and he was happy to read anything I sent and I could write a bunch if I wanted to. He wants to stay connected - and I loved that he said our connection stretches and holds, whether it is 6 miles or 6,0000.
So I'm wondering about emails now. How intimate do they feel for you? And what kinds of replies do you get? And can you hear "tone" when your therapist replies and is it ever hurtful?
And it is entirely possible that most of my anxiety around the email is really about leaving.
Posted by Dinah on April 8, 2008, at 7:27:51
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
I suppose it's no surprise to anyone that my therapist is even worse at email than he is on the phone. He even signs his full name. And I've never heard him use his full name anywhere else.
He says they seem more formal to him and he feels the need to be very professional.
They upset me so much I begged him not to email me anymore. This was when he was out of the country.
But my therapist is not yours. And my therapist is poor at all forms of communication outside the office. I'm sure yours won't be as bad.
Posted by raisinb on April 8, 2008, at 10:10:13
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
My therapist and I don't email, so I don't have concrete experience to share with you.
I thought about how I'd feel in your situation, though, and I realized I'd hate it. I've never had any communication from my therapist that didn't involve her voice--either in person, or on the phone, or on my voice mail. Like many people, I sometimes save my therapist's voice mails to listen to in case I am in need of comfort. It's less what she says than it is the quality of her voice, which I think takes on a kind of--not quite magical?--somehow powerful, though--effect. I can identify her different "tones," and which ones contain more emotion than others.
Email would upset and scare me, because I couldn't hear her, and thus it would feel so impersonal. I wouldn't be able to judge her tone, so I feel like I'd lose so much of the communication. (This might be important to me because our relationship involves so much miscommunication, of course.)
Since you're going to be away, though, I think it's wonderful that your therapist is willing to do this, especially since it isn't something he'd ordinarily do.
Posted by sunnydays on April 8, 2008, at 12:03:37
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
Emails are a double-edged sword for me. It can freak me out when I don't get a response right away - does he not like me anymore? did i write something wrong? But then other times I just need to get my thoughts out and email is a great way to get them out and send them far, far away.
They can feel intimate. I tend to only get short responses (two sentences at most, usually), but sometimes I can really hear my therapist's voice, especially when he types phrases that he tends to use in conversation as well and that I see as really idiosyncratic to him. And that feels wonderful. Other times I worry about things because I can't hear his inflection or whatever. And sometimes if he doesn't say what I was hoping he'd say it can feel like he's totally abandoned me.
So be prepared for all those feelings, but overall, I'm really glad my therapist lets me email him.
sunnydays
Posted by earthmama on April 8, 2008, at 12:10:25
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
Just testing to see if this works before I type a long reply....this board hasn't been working for me lately...stay tuned!
Posted by earthmama on April 8, 2008, at 12:17:40
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
E-mails have been a big issue for me in my therapy. I really LIKE e-mail in general, but my therapist is just not an e-mail guy. A "rule" we have is that I can send as many e-mails as I like, but he'll only reply if I clearly state "please reply" in the e-mail. The issue is, his replies are SO short and it's really easy for me to read things into them that aren't there. I've finally realized that for me, I do like to e-mail him sometimes to do a "brain dump" and get things out of my head, but I really can't count on him for a reply that will make me feel better. If anything, they make me feel worse - first the anxiety of waiting for the response, and then the disappointly short and cryptic response. Over many months, we've talked about it a lot, and now when I REALLY need a reply (not very often) I'll remind him to please be really clear so I don't freak out, and I know he does make a real effort :) I've learned that if I really need connect with him, though, I need to call and talk on the phone - so I can hear the tone of his voice, and so I can ask questions if I'm not clear about his response. The man is just not a good e-mailer.
I hope that the e-mails will be a good way for you to maintain contact while you're gone. In my experience it took a LOT of months of e-mailing for my T and I to come to an understanding that allows the e-mails to be a positive tool instead of kind of a scary thing for me....but you have known your T for so many years, I bet you'll be able to work out the kinks much more quickly than I did :)
Posted by AbbieNormal on April 8, 2008, at 19:08:37
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
My T's emails stunk. They sounded as if he had a lawyer do the proof-reading. Awful. And I learned that all of my emails to him were printed, and went into my file. So I kept all of my emails as dull as his. Bleah.
Posted by Gee on April 8, 2008, at 20:41:00
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
I use emails to stay connected with my t when I'm away, which is more often than I'm home.
I've found that at times I've written a ton, and she relies with just a short, kinda brunt message, and it can kinda hurt, but I've also found that if I reply in the same manner, her tone often changes.
I understand the nerves part... at first I was very anxious about getting t's replies. So, I created a separate folder for the emails to go to. They didn't come to my inbox, so I didn't have to "deal" with them until I felt I wanted to.
Good luck!
Posted by Daisym on April 9, 2008, at 0:13:45
In reply to Re: Emails » Daisym, posted by Gee on April 8, 2008, at 20:41:00
Thanks all for sharing your experiences. I guess I'll just see how it goes. There is so much anxiety about so many things that I just can't sort out what goes with what. At least he will reply, and that is better than being out of touch for a long time.
Posted by frida on April 9, 2008, at 8:10:15
In reply to Re: Emails, posted by Daisym on April 9, 2008, at 0:13:45
Dear Daisy,
my T and I do share e-mails. She doesn't respond to all of them, but sometimes she does. I know that if i need something urgent i should call her. But email has helped me to share things with her..she doesn't really encourage me to email her now, because she wants me to talk and connect in person, but we do share emails.
When she responds, she does in a short way and it sounds caring. She sends me hugs at the end of her mails. I try not to read too much into them. The important thing for me is knowing she read what i wrote and she always brings it up in session.
I also usually send her pictures that i'd like to share with her and she likes that.
So i think it's a good way to stay connected..i usually read her mails over and over even if they are 5 lines long..and seeing her name appear makes me feel safe. She writes encouraging mails or says things which she often tells me. Having them in writing means a lot to me as well, it gives me something concrete from her when i don't know how to feel her with me.I hope it is a good experience for you. If you've talked about it, then i think it can be very positive...you know he'll read your mails and he'll know how you are feeling, you won't be alone.
All the best,
Frida
Posted by Fallsfall on April 9, 2008, at 22:29:19
In reply to Emails, posted by Daisym on April 8, 2008, at 2:18:21
Maybe it is because you have been more open with us in email than you are with people in real life. So when you email about your true feelings, you are revealing more than you usually are. It took you a long time to be comfortable with us - and he isn't one of "us".
I think it is great that he will let you email when you are away.
Love,
FallsI hope this makes sense. It is late and I need to go to bed...
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