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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
I had a session today or so it would seem. I know I went I had a bill for the month, I had a magazine from the office and a vague sense I had been there and that is mainly all I had. I had no memories of being there. I felt all floaty, my legs were like jelly, I was shaky and I felt just plain weird. I believe I dissociated the whole session. Yet maybe I know a few things but hard as I try I don't. I don't really believe this myself. I want to email him and say what did we talk about? I want to cry and call him. I would have earlier but I had to take my son to the doctor and now the moment has passed. I had to try and pull myself together to go to the school to pick up my son and get him to the doc.
I mean WTF. I remember driving to the office. I remember going to bathroom first. I always go to the bathroom first. I remember walking in to the office. Then I "wake up" about a mile down the road. I am not sure who took over. I really hate this crap. I feel so loose from my body and reality right now. All the way driving to my son's school I had to keep checking to see if my body and I were still connected. It was tough trying to stay in the moment.
There a some things bothering me now about therapy. I think I am pretending to be better. Why. I don't know. I am just not getting it. I don't really feel a connection and maybe I am just pretending. His sleepiness is bothering me. I feel like I am boring him. I don't like how the sessions are going. I think I am switching more but can't be sure. I did today. But am I going to tell him, I am not sure. Why I think.
I don't know if this therapy thing is really working.
I am not depressed or anxious. Actually think I have somewhat a handle on it with the xanax. It i s more than that I think. I think my alters are playing a game with p-doc.
I dont know.
I just dont get this crap.
Anyway, you don't have to answer I needed to vent. I want Daisym's t. She seems to have a good one. Mine is sometimey right now.
I am sad not depressed or anxious. Just sad again.
And in my sessions he brings out chatty girl. And today I left I think while she came out. I think that is what happened and he did not know. I think my fragments are smarter than p-doc.
sorry if this is rambling mess, that is me right now.
if I email though, for those that suggest it, i don't think he will get it. I don't.
I see him again on thurs. i go on vac. on friday. you know the part of therapy I don't like is how much you do on your own. my therapy right now seems one-sided. He is on the side of the room, no couch, and I am doing all the work and I am sucking at it.
Because what other feelings could I have been having on the way home. I was in session, and slapped by amnesia on the way home. WTF is all I can say.
Rant over.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 18:26:33
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
on in administration I think I am leaving babble.
Too many uncertain rules Bob seems to make up as he goes. I don't think anymore of my therapy sessions need to be vented here.Good luck all.
rsk
Posted by star008 on March 31, 2008, at 19:07:27
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
I still think about you.. still care. I am around if you need to vent..
Posted by DAisym on March 31, 2008, at 20:49:39
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
I don't know what is going on over at admin - I find it less stressful to stay here. I admit it bothers me to hear the rumblings of it all - people leaving and so upset, etc. But if "we" hold it together over here, it remains what "we" need it to be. And right now I need my Babble friends. No guilt though - you do need to take care of yourself and do whatever is best for you.
I would like to say that it is pretty common if you have a highly emotional session to not remember much in the short term. It is likely to come back to you in parts and pieces, things said, questions asked. I think it is really, really important to take this post in because you ask some significant questions. If your inners are "playing games" with your therapist, there is a reason. It is a test of some kind and he should be on alert to the possibility that you are sort of out of the room during sessions. I try really hard to tell my therapist if I feel myself going away but it isn't always possible. Sometimes he'll ask "are you still with me?" - sometimes we figure it out together later.
It is scary to lose time. Maybe you can write down what you do know and piece it together over the next few days. I know when I write, I remember.
And I'd share my therapist with you if I could. I'm not very good at sharing though - and you've worked hard to build up trust with yours. Hang on to that, it is worth building on the foundation. It is hugely hard to start over.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Posted by Phillipa on March 31, 2008, at 21:04:23
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong » rskontos, posted by DAisym on March 31, 2008, at 20:49:39
Just wanted to say I try and avoid admin. Was too upset there a few weeks ago. I find I like this board more and more as people are so kind and helpful. Thought I'd let you know. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on March 31, 2008, at 22:42:26
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
Rsk i kinda am like you right now, some playing games w/T, we warned her but she not understand.
I hear splitting/dissociating gets worse at first, then as coconsciousness improves then things improve. Its the road to greater communication.
I dunno.
I dunno nothing.
Mebbe I quit t.
dunno.
Suckws don't it?
mebbe an ikid can bring a squirtgun to t and if T gettin sleepy you squirt him!!!!!!!!
Posted by muffled on March 31, 2008, at 22:50:30
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybel » rskontos, posted by muffled on March 31, 2008, at 22:42:26
Posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 7:34:32
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybel » rskontos, posted by muffled on March 31, 2008, at 22:42:26
Muffled that cracked me up. To think about squirting him..lol
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 7:44:16
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong » rskontos, posted by DAisym on March 31, 2008, at 20:49:39
Daisym, I know I should not go there. I am from some strange reason drawn there like a moth to the light. And Dr. Bob just doesn't get it. I told him how I felt and he did not get it :( why do I try.
Oh well.
The thing is I don't think I had an emotional one. I think the chatty one came out to prevent one. I vaguely remember chatty about pretty much nothing.
Just really bringing him up to date on I am not sure.And when I came back in the car I was scared and I thought WTF happened and I felt so weird, like I was floating, my legs felt like jelly. It was a good thing I was sitting down, i am not sure I could have stood up. It is amazing to me I could drive. I don't remember getting in the car and driving that far. Maybe vaguely like deja vu. Maybe sorta remember but not clearly. Like I should if I was present in reality.
I think they don't like the sleepy part and that is why they took over. Over the weekend one of them kept whispering in my ear how bad it is.
I know he is on medication and maybe that is making him sleepy.
I vaguely remember him bringing up an email I wrote to him about when I leave and I think that might have been when the switch occurred. I don't know this was perhaps the weirdest to date of my experiences.
Do you guys think the dissociative states can evolve into different ones than you experienced before?
I am not sure what happened just that something did. Because I truly felt so weird and it is something I have never experience before. I know this was not an emotional session. It was, I am not sure what it was but not really very anything. I find I am getting jumpy or loose again.
I find I have lows and highs. Sometimes I feel a little blended with my parts and then something like this happens and i feel even more fragmented.
I don't know sometimes I am not sure therapy is helping. I am not sure he gets it.
But thanks for replying.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 7:45:25
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong » rskontos, posted by star008 on March 31, 2008, at 19:07:27
Thank Star, I am not sure what I need to vent about, Dr. Bob, my p-doc or my parts that seem all over the place.
I will let you know if I figure it out.
I am going on vacation on Friday maybe that will help.
rsk
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 1, 2008, at 9:18:23
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybel » rskontos, posted by muffled on March 31, 2008, at 22:42:26
At least you know that you can be completely dissociated and you know that you are sane enough to
1. convince T not to hospitalize you immediately
2. drive back home, without causing accidents.In your shoes (I have been there a couple times, but never for so long?) I would be terrified. I dunno if hugs help, but they are in order. (((((rsk)))))
You do any grounding exercises? things to do when you notice the "aura" that preceded dissociating. Am I the only one with an aura? I like to keep my hands busy. squeezing my fists and stuff.
well, sorry if this is no help at all. I just wanted to post to give you my support, even if I am sounding ignorant and retarded.
-Ll
Posted by raisinb on April 1, 2008, at 9:48:43
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
RSK, I don't know what it is like to have "parts," or to dissociate, but I often withdraw emotionally from therapy or my therapist. It happens because you are scared, and it's hard to be scared inside when you don't feel like your T "gets it." Maybe he doesn't, but I am sure he's there to try to get it, and to work through this with you. It sounds like you are doing really difficult work. I feel for you, and I hope these scary experiences get better soon.
Posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 20:13:47
In reply to if anything..., posted by llurpsienoodle on April 1, 2008, at 9:18:23
Ll, that's the thing, nothing preceded, I just awoke in the car, with no memories of the session and I wracked my brain and then got really scared. I wanted to call him but i had to go let my dogs out and then go pick up my son so I couldnt fall apart.
I then got like some faint images of stuff. Dreamy like. It was like the session was this faint dream I could not really put my finger on and more I pushed to remember, I got faint, sick to my stomach, and my legs felt like jelly. I thought if I had to stand I couldn't. And I marveled I could drive. Yet I did not feel my body. I kept touching my legs to make sure I was attached to them. I hate that feeling. And then later I left again at the doctors office. I awoke after we left. Today I have felt more normal. HaHa me saying I felt normal like I would know normal if it were walk up and smack me on the face. Poet needs to cyber slap me for even saying such a thing. I can't be normal I felt foggy. The rest of the day. And at certain times today even I know I could leave again if I did not concentrate on staying. So yes I do my grounding things but man yesterday nothing work.
But you are right my parts take care of me. LL, I have done this for so long that I no longer get scared. Believe me the first few times I did wig out.
Thanks for the hugs. And you most certainly do not sounds ignorant nor retarded. How could you say such a thing you sound very caring and supportive and I thank you for that!
I take back my second post of leaving Babble because of people who answered this post, like you Ll and the others. You guys showed me caring and that underneath everything if a person has people that care, it is the best no matter if they are on line or IRL.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 20:25:07
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybel » rskontos, posted by raisinb on April 1, 2008, at 9:48:43
Thanks raisinb, yes you are right it is hard work and maybe I am just lazy. It isn't that I like my parts. Do you want a part or two, I would like to give mine away and I am sure Muffled would too. It is troubling to have these dang things. I mean if I had more control but then again if I had control I would not be in therapy and I would not be dissociating all over the place.
I also don't think I am typical. I just don't.(Like there is a typical DID, that just sounds stupid, what I mean is I think I may not be completely DID but he argued with me when I brought this up a time back) Maybe my parts are just sneaking about coming out to him in a way for him to know. Heck if I know. But then if I lose a hour of time, a session plus drive time of about 10 minutes times 2 someone else has got to be in the drivers seat as it is not me, I don't remember, I mean it is a part of me not this me. I sound like a basket case. I better quit while I am ahead. And when he and I try to talk about he does not get it. At least that is how I feel. I don't know how he thinks. So do I talk about this on Thurs. when I am about to leave and not see him for a week and possibly go off by myself and freak or leave it all alone. I don't know. Maybe i will just get it out and say bye for now. I also want to say I think I want to go down to once a week. The great pretender, i have nicknamed the one I think that was present for the last session probably could convince him to do this. If she takes over again, who knows what will happen. The thing is going to therapy I felt fine. No shakiness going which I sometimes have. Uuggg this driving me crazy. Time for xanax.
Thanks for the support.
rsk
Posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2008, at 8:30:50
In reply to Re: if anything...thanks so much » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on April 1, 2008, at 20:13:47
> I take back my second post of leaving Babble because of people who answered this post, like you Ll and the others. You guys showed me caring and that underneath everything if a person has people that care, it is the best no matter if they are on line or IRL.
>
> rskThat's how I feel about Babble, RSK. I derive a lot of comfort and support from my peers here, no matter the gymnastics that go on behind the scenes. Even though that causes me distress of its own, I do believe that the benefits outweigh the detractions for me still, and I'll continue until that changes. I'm glad that you've decided to stay on.
((((RSK))))CS
Posted by rskontos on April 2, 2008, at 12:00:33
In reply to Re: if anything...thanks so much » rskontos, posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2008, at 8:30:50
Posted by B2chica on April 2, 2008, at 12:39:23
In reply to Something weird is going on.....trigger maybelong, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
ooooh ((((((((((RSK)))))))))) i'm so sorry.
i understand a little. i can't tell you how many times i've come to tears (even in the office) when i've snapped to and wanted to ask T what we were talking about...although i'm finally starting to do that a bit (depending who i am at the moment, some of us wont admit it :)
as i don't totally have fugue states, i'm normally 'somewhat aware of things', though don't usually have memory of it...hard to explain. but there are times that i've switched and not been aware and become aware as another 'alter' and that freaks me out inturn freaking them out and that makes them worse and harder to switch back to me.the one thing that really bothers me and i finallly told T this last session is that i saw last T for over a year 2-3times a week and only have a handful of memories of sessions. as for trying to remember what i've told him. i know i told him my 'secrets' but unless i kept a letter that i gave him, or wrote it in my journal i have NO idea what i spent ALL that time and ALL that money on. i think i dissociated most of that year away.
but that was my first step. i told. i got the vile secrets that were slowly killing me from inside and got them out. we never discussed them (that i can remember). and i normally don't think i went into too much detail. but i quickly mumbled them out. hehe normally at the last 10 min of session. (my hit and run technique).
but now i'm on to the second stage i feel and that is what my T call it reprocessing? where i'm sharing (or parts) are sharing specifics and emotions and details. and the strange thing is now mostly i remember what i talk about...although i have a picture journal. i let my littleone draw out about 25 pictures (stick like) to start 'episodes' of 'trauma' that we remember. and when she wants to talk but doesn't know how to get it out she'll open that journal up and point to the picture and we'll talk about the picture.i guess my LONG drawn out point (ha) is this. i got some Great advice once and would Love to pass it along. and maybe i've said this before. but it was SO true and important to me i tell it any time i can.
Therapy goes in stages.
1. you talk about what you want to talk about
2. you talk about what you need to talk about
3. you talk about what you don't want to talk about
4. you talk about what you didn't even know you had insideit's the 3 and 4 that are the toughest. you are there now. my advice. if you trust your T...keep as open with him as possible. if you don't remember tell him. maybe make sure that you have 10 min at the end of session to talk about something really light like movies, or work something to get you to the now. and maybe then you can slip in that you really didn't remember much of 'today's' session. and want to talk about that next time (or that session depending on how much time you have left.
NOW the one thing you said that i really didn't like is that you feel that your thearpy is one-sided...it shoudn't be. you shoudl (especially now) feel supported by your T. right now you are very fragile, getting this crap out is so important and hard and you need support and you need help to get it out and then again keep it in when needed. you need guidance on both. you need him to understand you as a person. have you spent time getting to know eachother..does he seem like the kind of person that does that?
i worry cuz that is EXACTLY how i felt about the very first T i ever had and WOW was he wrong for me. i felt like i just went in there and i was supposed to just talk. and all he did was listen. well i need SO MUCH MORE than that. i need someone who will talk to me, share with me what is going on with me. talk to me, explain to me, guide me. and BU_LEVE ME i searched and searched after him to find the right T but when i found him. he was it...same thing with this T. i searched, luckily i didn't have to too much. and i did spend some time with my guard up with her. but it was well worth it. cuz i know her now. i know. and it works great.also, i don't know about you but for a while i did notice my parts get worse in session before they leveled off a bit. my T explained that they were in a sense 'adjusting'. that they now know that T office is a safe place to come out and that they are always welcome there. This is MUCH better for me cuz now (except for bad session or trigger) i'm better throughout the week and don't have breakthrough teen coming out at work like i used to bunches.
now, my littleone still likes to comeout at work, but it's hard cuz i have a part-time worker that is young and loves kids and my 'littleone' loves her and always wants to be near her....also sometimes when i work with kids it can set her off. but still MUCH better than before.
SO.....
THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
it Does~!and i think one of the hardest things is going from session to pick up our kids. luckily mine isn't old enough to ask why i look/acting funny. but sometimes i feel i know i still shouldn't be driving. thought after session i try to sit in my car for a while if needed.
and RANT RANT RANT ALLLLLLL YOU NEEEEEDD !!!! here dear one.
that's why we're here.REALLY sorry so long.
Posted by rskontos on April 3, 2008, at 7:56:06
In reply to Re: Something weird is going on.....trigger maybel » rskontos, posted by B2chica on April 2, 2008, at 12:39:23
B2C,
I am just so confused right now. I think so many confused thoughts and sometimes I know it is them. Some of them just don't trust no one. And not T yet. I think , the me here, that he is trying hard. I could so relate to your post that i immediately started crying. IT is so helpful to talk with someone who knows and you described it right on. Except this last time I had a fugue. At first I remembered nothing at all. Then after a time I could almost bring back some bits. After all these years, I did not think my dissociative states would surprise me but they have. This was very different.
But I think you are right with stages 3 & 4. I think that is where I am.
I am about to go to t now. I will talk to him and see how he responds. Then I will have a week while on vacation and see how I feel as well.
I will let you know.But again thanks so much. It helps to know I am not alone and that you experience is very much like my own so I am not so off.
I really appreciate your sharing this Bc2. I know it took alot to share.
I think while I am at the beach i will do some drawing. I will take some blank paper and colored pencils since I already have that. I will try to buy some coloring books.
I had some distrubing flashback last night. For the first time they involved my father. Not clear enough though.
anyway, again thanks thanks so much
rsk
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